Across the centuries, mustelids have proven themselves time after time as some of the fiercest, most dominant creatures on the planet, with an innate inner call to establish themselves as superior among their brethren.
Members of this family have perfected this concept since their beginning of evolution as ferals. Honey badgers can fend off a whole pride of lions. Wolverines can smell their prey from 20 feet under the snow. Weasels can boast the strongest jaws of any predator in North America. Otters can bag foes as big as an alligator for lunch, and so on.
It's only natural that some vestige of that feral heritage keeps persisting nowadays in their anthropomorphic counterpart. Ever since the advent of modern civilization, mustelids have gotten known for bringing that spark of domination in every facet of daily life. Be it physical or mental, athletic or academic, mustelids all around have collectively sought to grasp every chance to raise the bar and show their peers how it should be done.
Now, a whole new experience is about to put that to the test. We searched all across the United States for the toughest, gnarliest everyday mustelids there are, leaving no stone unturned in trying to represent every side and feature of this fierce family. Forty-five of them were chosen and invited to compete in what's about to become the greatest throwdown ever seen on national TV.
A rabbit casting associate lets out a big smile as she looks into the screen of her office PC. "You have been cast on American Mustelid Alpha!"
~Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
A blonde-furred marten stares agape at his laptop, standing from his chair in a jolt of excitement as the realization kicks in. "You gotta be freaking kidding me!" he laughs, jumping in one spot. "Hell no, yes?!"
"You're like, bright red right now!" she smiles.
"I know, shut up!" the blonde marten laughs. "How much time do I get to pack?"
~James Sh., 23, American Badger, Pharmacy Technician
"Oh have I?" A bulky badger wearing a white lab coat raises a brow in surprise, looking intently at the screen of his smartphone as he's clearly been caught in the middle of his duty. "Can do, ma'am!"
~Casey, 45, Northern American River Otter, U.S. Army Sergeant
The grayish, middle-aged lutrine's jaw drops as he shakes his head, visibly speechless. "You're gonna make this old seadog's entire year, you know?" He turns towards the back of his living room, where two teenage otters are doing their homework. "Garry, Thatch, you heard that? I'm in!" he yells.
~Dalton, 22, Zorilla, College Football Player
"What the heck?" A sweaty zorilla wearing a skull cap stares back at the lady, a few teammates huddled around his phone as they come out from practice. "Guys, I'm gonna rep the Yellow Jackets on national TV!" he breaks into laughter, the rest of the team letting out a massive cheer and rah-rahing around the striped mustelid.
~Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
"WAIT WHAT?" The skunk hastily drops the weights and goes back to his phone, now focusing on the video call. "Say that again?" he says, his voice rising up an octave.
"You made it! You're in AMA!"
"Well, you can see I'm coming ready, hah!" the skunk shoots a flex of his bicep at the casting associate.
These guys range in age from 19 to 45, cover pretty much all species and all walks of life, but they all have one major thing in common. They spent most of their life building a reputation as ambitious, leader-like, type A personalities who will stop at nothing in their quest to reach any goal they gave themselves.
Some of them are veterans of the armed forces. Others are amateur sportsmen, fitness enthusiasts, blue-collar workers, even nerds in disguise. They come in with different sets of skills and talent, but they all know their stuff when it comes to dominate whichever competition they got - and they all share the same drive to prove it on the biggest stage there is.
~J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
An otter wearing a triathlon suit hoists himself out of a swimming pool, heavily panting as he drips all over. "Ah shit, my heart's racing out of the blue, I think I'm havin' an infarction..." he jokes as he takes his time. "800 free in 12:15? I broke that record today..." he grins, nodding to the camera.
~Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
A wiry ferret wearing cowboy boots and a wide-brimmed hat pats the flank of a huge, white and brown bull through the fences of its pen. "I've always said that if you're going to be the best, you have to ride the best," he says. "Life just ain't fun without a little risk, and I've chosen to turn that fun into my business."
~Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
A heavily tattooed otter puts both paws on the side of a boxing ring, motioning to two teenagers - a gaur calf and an armadillo - to put on their gloves and jump on. "Kaysone, Ricky, up you go!" he says, before turning towards the camera. "Keeping these kids off the streets is my everyday mission. I want to give 'em something they can commit themselves to as much as I did."
~Travis, 29, American Badger, Truck Driver
A red Peterbilt 579 truck rolls across Interstate 85, a tall, heavily built badger at the driver's seat. "You see, dude, steerin' this beast ain't exactly a piece o' cake..." he tells his interlocutor, his muscular, furry arm flexing its grip on the steering wheel. "I know this ain't exactly glitzy, but y'know... serving America's heartland is what made me an Alpha."
However, American Mustelid Alpha will be unlike anything they have ever seen; true tests of physicality, endurance, and mental fortitude await these hopefuls.
All 45 will be brought here, to a military hangar in Central Florida, where they'll be whittled down to 12 over two days of grueling physical tests. Over the next month, every member of this lucky dozen'll have to go against one another, against teams of each other, against the elements, even against their own limits.
~Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk
A lithe otter with long, sun-bleached hair looks around, the hotel waiting room filled with mustelids of different kinda, most showing very toned physiques. "This is like the freaking Full Metal Jacket barracks in here," the young lutrine laughs.
~Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
A massive giant otter is sitting in front of a doctor in a lab coat about to administer a blood test. He doesn't even flinch as the needle pierces his forearm, him watching intently as his blood pours into a small vial. "You think I'd come all the way here to get spooked by this?" he can't help but chuckle at the camera as he leans back on the seat. "This is routine, baby, come on!"
~Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer
A young weasel lies on a first aid bed, looking over with mild curiosity as a medical assistant latches electrodes to his limbs and over the surface of his chest. "Oi, what's all that for?" he asks in a thick, southern drawl, getting up to his haunches as the assistant keeps fitting him for the conventional ECG test.
~Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
"They ain't ready, yanno..." a hog badger sporting a bright green mohawk chuckles as he looks over the cameraman's shoulder at the mustelids queueing to get their physicals over with. "Really, him? Bye. Him? Bye. And the one ova' there, is he on the wrong show or?" the hog snorts, amused with himself.
As for me? I'm Ludwig Logemann, I spent eleven years as an active duty Navy officer, specializing as a missile technician and combat expert. I'm the one assigned to put these guys through the paces, presiding over each challenge and ultimately discerning who got the ultimate package of factors that tells the world and everyone in it who truly is the Alpha around.
My main duty, though, is to lay down the rule of the land. An Alpha proves his prowess, earns the respect of his peers, and shows everyone how to be a leader. A true Alpha doesn't just boss others around and think he owns the place - whoever thinks they can are in for the rudest of awakenings.
To go far, our contestants will have to show growth, adaptability, and a level of self-awareness that goes past being condescending, or worse, downright arrogant toward their peers. The one who is able to dominate the fight against all his opponents and come out on top will win the coveted title of America's first Mustelid Alpha, and the $250,000 dollar prize that comes with it.
To all of these 45, welcome to the place where you will be tested like never before: Apopka, Florida. The quest to find the American Mustelid Alpha can finally begin.
Who's ready to dominate?
