Chapter 3: A Visit To Uncle Luggs
Rider's Log, our first day on the quest started with a new ally and ended with dispatching a gang of men with unknown intent. The next morning, the maiden we'd rescued from them offered us a sidequest.
Our heroes sat around as the maiden poured them tea.
"So, what's the job?" Rider asked, leaning in.
The maiden sat and sighed, looking at her hands.
"I trust you have noticed my...Appearance" she said finally, "I had to give the hands I was born with in exchange for my father not being taken away. I fled to this hut with my son for about seven years ago when my husband went missing"
"...You wish for us find for your husband's whereabouts?" Mogano asked, taking a sip of his tea.
"I could not ask you to take on such an impossible task" the maiden replied, "No, I simply wish you to return my hands. Long have I desired to know the touch of my own child. Will you please do this?"
"...ALRIGHT, CHECK, PLEASE!" Shrek cried standing up, ready to leave the hut.
"Actually" Mogano started, placing his cup onto his saucer, "Now that you mention it, there IS a special salve that can regrow body parts no matter how long they've been lost. In fact, if I remember this region correctly, there's only one place around here to get some"
"Correct" the maiden said with some joy in her voice, "I would go ask for it myself, but, I dare not leave my son should those scoundrels return"
"Say no more, madam" Rider said standing, heading for the door and pulling a little mirror from his pocket, "Jack Rider and company are on the job! Mirrori, where's the nearest supplier of magical substances?"
"From your current location, he nearest supplier is north, over the river and through the woods" a feminine voice rang out of the mirror, "Be careful, there is some tall grass in sight of your way to your destination"
"Fan-freakin'-tastic" Rider sighed turning the knob, "Well, you wanna live forever?"
"Man, we don't have TIME for this!" Donkey said following Rider out, "Whoever's got my wife could be using her for his dastardly purposes as we speak!"
"I wouldn't worry too much about it, Mr. Donkey" Mogano replied, the others trailing behind him, "It's widely encouraged to take on as many sidequests as you can as they not only financially assist the adventurer, one can also recieve an item otherwise unavailable elsewhere but can be useful to your journey and give you valuable fighting experience!"
"Hmm, things have gotten very complicated since MY days as an adventurer" Puss commented, climbing onto Shrek's shoulder.
"You're telling me" Shrek replied, "And I don't even GO on that many! Not since that time I was sent to an alternate universe where I didn't exist by that curly-toed weasel, Rumplestiltskin"
"The chap who runs the...D-daycare?" Mogano queried, stepping in a mud puddle...At least, he HOPED it was mud.
"No, different guy" Shrek replied, clearing his throat of a stifled laugh, "It's complicated"
"That guy's the worst, isn't he?" Rider asked, gesturing to a direction looking at the map on his mirror, "He sent me on one of those trips when he learned about my curse. I wanted a day of what it'd be like if I were a full-fledged ogre. In order to get out of it, I had to eat the king who turned out to be a Gingerbread Man who terraformed the world in his image thanks to a magical lollipop"
"Oh, and what was THAT candy-coated nightmare like?" Shrek asked, moving a tree branch out of his face.
"For the most part, rather peaceful" Rider answered, "Utopian, almost. You could eat all the confections you wanted without the threat of diabetes. And the ruler was a benevolent ruler for sure, but, the law cracked down pretty hard when that utopia was disturbed in the slightest, such as eating public property. The worst part was, my teeth were made out of candy corn! Bleck!"
"I have been on a similar endeavor myself" Puss added, "In an alternate timeline, I had discovered the hidden town of San Lorenzo. I had unintentionally set off a series of events that resulted in the destruction of the world. It took the Great Mage Sino sending me back to the day I found the town to restore it"
"In other words, it didn't happen!" Donkey retorted, "Now, what's so bad about some tall grass? You get some stuck in your flip-flops one time?"
"...Maybe once or twice" Rider admitted, "But, that's not why I'm concerned about it. See, it's the new layout again. A recent trend among wizards both evil and merry pranksters lead to the creation of some unusual creatures. You touch, hit or even let one hit you, they'll trap you into a pocket-dimension where nobody can hear you. The only way out of this pocket-dimension is to defeat the creature in battle. Sometimes, more creatures then the one you come in contact with will appear in the pocket-dimension. What's worse, the fights are forcibly turn-based, making them longer"
"And, these creatures like to hide in tall grass" Shrek said.
"Right" Rider replied, "Worse, some wizards make them invisible, making it hard to know when you're wading through a whole slew of them. But, luckily, the ones around here aren't so tough, so we should be fine" He stopped the group and pointed to a giant bee with boxing gloves. "See that one? That's a Pummel Bee. Real nasty customers"
"Oh man, as if Murder Hornets weren't enough!" Donkey whined.
We'll save this for the half-chapter (We'll skip all subsequent fights of this type after). For now, let's skip to the part where they make it to a familiar area to Shrek, Donkey and Puss.
"THIS place is still running?" Shrek asked before noticing a sign with a picture that resembles Sprinkles the Ogre with a white fedora and black mustache instead of candy corn teeth, "Let's see here, 'Uncle Luggs' Happily Ever After Emporium, Don't tell nobody you found us' This is going to be a fun one, I just know it" he said sarcastically.
Our heroes approached the door. Shrek knocked and the door opened. A gnome is present on the other side.
"...Well? Out with it" the gnome said, "I ain't got all day!"
"We need some hand-growing...Stuff" Shrek replied.
"It's called Salamander Salve" Mogano added.
"...Come with me" the gnome sighed.
Our heroes follow the gnome past the reception desk. They pass the workers making potions and such. Everything looked almost exactly like it did before their rampage, though some of the machines looked newer.
"Something getting your goat?" Rider asked, him and Mogano noticing Shrek's group seeming a little distracted.
"Oh, nothing" Shrek replied, his ears drooping, "Just a mixture of nostalgia and unease is all"
The gnome knocked on the door in front of them.
"C'mon in, I'm decent!" a low, booming voice said.
The gnome gestured Shrek to open the door and enter along with the others. There sat a large-chinned ogre in a white suit and fedora sporting a thick mustache. On each finger was a ring.
"Uh, you looked happier on the sign" Shrek chuckled sheepishly, taking his seat alongside Rider who gave him a "Don't quit your day job" look.
"Relax, slim" the ogre said, "Luggs don't bite. Matter a' fact, you're big 'round here!" he continued. He then stood off his chair, revealing that he was a stout fellow barely taller than Donkey with a bell on the toe of each of his shoes which were black as coal. "Walk with me, boys" He exits the office, our heroes following him.
"I didn't know ogres came in that size" Donkey commented, everyone shushing him.
"See, ever since you rubbed out da Fairy Godmother, da Happily Ever After racket's been freed up and a year ago, I managed to get this place up an' runnin' again like dat. Betcha didn't know it's still a boomin' business, didja?"
"Actually, it was my father-in-law who deflected the finishing blow with his armor"
"Semantics, babe" Luggs replied, "Listen, anything you need, just name it! I got all kinds of stuff!"
"Perfect!" Shrek exclaimed, "Just give us a jar of your best Salamander goop and we'll get out of your soup-strainer"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, tiger!" Luggs said, "Salamander Salve is some high-grade stuff! Dat stuff don't come cheap, capisce?"
"Alirght, I think I see where this is going" Shrek groaned, "What do you want for it?"
"You hear of a broad named Old Mother Hubbard?" Luggs asked, "Well, in dat famous cupboard of hers, there's a-" Suddenly, a loud marching noise was heard.
The group turned their attention towards the factory entrance as a small army of armored white rabbit men lead by a blonde, light brown female one wearing a breastplate and a patchy leather skirt entered.
"My" Mogano said nervously, "I didn't expect we'd encounter her so soon in our journey together"
"HEY!" Luggs shouted, "What business does da Goon Squad have here!? You lookin' for a guy?"
"Ah am so SICK of that!" the leader cried, stomping her bare foot on the floor, causing a sizable fissure, "It's GOOD Squad! GOO-DA! Is nobody hearing the D!?"
The soldiers behind her frantically tried to calm her down.
"...If I wore pants, I would be thiiiis close to moistening them" Puss said bringing the thumb and forefinger on his right paw close together.
"HEY! Bunny Foofu!" Rider called out, getting the army's attention, "You kidnapped my client's wife and I'm here for answers!"
"Wuh? Oh, it's you again" Bunny said, noticing Rider, "Look ah don't know what you heard, but, ah was sent by a prince to retrieve that dragon!"
"Charming!" Shrek cried, facepalming himself, "I should've guessed! Who knows what fate you sent her to!?"
"Frankly, ah don't ask those kind of questions" Bunny replied, "Specially when it comes to the whims of royalty- Hey, weren't you the entertainment on that trip?"
"Madam, I was the bard in that crusade!" Mogano said in an offended tone, "I joined you to chronicle the story of your harrowing quest to capture a dragon for the aforementioned prince!"
"Yeah, you were the entertainment" Bunny replied, pulling out her hammer, "Look ah'll deal with you boys later, the Good Fairy wants this place shut down!"
"...Tell yous guys what, forget da cupboard!" Luggs said, ducking behind a nearby barrel, "You get da crazy broad and her buddies to hit da bricks, da salve's yours!"
"Alright then, round 2 it is!" Shrek proclaimed, cracking his knuckles, "It's time you guys learned some manners...OGRE STYLE!" Bunny pointed her hammer at our heroes, the soldiers advancing past her. "Our group will handle these guys" Shrek told Rider and Mogano jumping off the ledge with Puss and Donkey in his arms, "We'll leave Petra Cottentail over there to you two!"
"Oh mercy..." Mogano whimpered.
"It'll be okay" Rider assured his frightened companion, "Just do what I tell you and we should be fine"
The two shook hands and joined the fray. They cleaved their way through the soldiers and made their way to Bunny.
"We have GOT to stop meeting like this, dude" Bunny with an annoyed tone in her voice.
"If only the wheels of fate would tell us why we do" Rider replied, drawing his sword.
With a light scoff, Bunny leaped to a lampshade on the ceiling and began tossing her hammer like a boomerang. The duo began dodging her attack.
"I have an idea" Mogano said, his arm sprouting a crossbow, "I'll cut her down, you try to disarm her!"
"...You're just a walking Swiss Army Knife of surprises, aren't you?" Rider quipped.
"There's much about myself I've yet to share with you, Mr. Rider" Mogano replied morosely as he began firing at the wire holding the light Bunny was holding on to.
Bunny began falling. Taking advantage of the momentum, Bunny decided to strike the floor with her hammer only to be stopped by Rider. The two clashed as sparks flew from their weapons. Rider finally managed to knock the hammer out of Bunny's paw which landed at his feet. He picked up the hammer and pointed his sword at Bunny.
"Do you submit?" Rider asked, realizing Bunny's look of amazement. "...What?"
"T-that hammer is a distant relative of Mjölnir" Uh-oh, cue the franchise's theme song. "The man who sold it to me said only the true love of whoever wields it after a thousand years may be able to pick it up besides them"
"Why do I get the sense that hammer is going to be the Gun of the Chekhov in a later chapter?" Puss asked himself, sitting on a throne of unconscious soldiers as Rider hands the hammer to Bunny, both looking into each other's eyes.
Bunny shook her head moving to a fighting stance, ready to strike.
"This...This ain't over!" Bunny snapped, putting her hammer away, "Fall back, men, we'll deal with this place another day!"
The Goon Squad fled from the factory.
"Oh, not the narrator too! IT'S GOO-DA!"
Whatever. How bad you guys hit?
"HA! THAT was the infamous Goon Squad!?" Puss chuckled.
"Don't get cocky" Rider replied, "Clearly, those were low-level grunts. She brings them with her outside of the Good Fairy's realm because normally, that's all she would need to get the job done"
"Then, those ones we fought back in Far Far Away must've been the elite" Shrek said, rubbing his wrists, "Makes sense, considering who their target was. Anyway, I think the pieces are starting to fall into place"
"Based on how many we have so far, how do you figure?" Rider asked sheathing his sword.
"Well..." Shrek started. "Based on what I know about the situation, Charming somehow talked the Good Fairy into sending out her muscle so he could have his ultimate revenge for me saving Fiona by staging Dragon to attack a village so he can have a reason to slay her!"
"MY POOR BABY!" Donkey cried.
"See? Right there" Rider said, tapping on Shrek's shoulder, "You see, in the world of adventuring today, 'Based on what I know' is code for 'I have no frickin' idea what's going on'. It helps to gain more info as you go along before you assume. You do know what they say about when people assume, don't you?"
"I get it" Shrek said, "But, past experiences won't prove me wrong, I'll tell you THAT much"
"Duly noted" Rider replied, sniffing the air, "Uh Mogano, I don't think that was mud you stepped in earlier"
"I bloody knew it!" Mogano groaned.
"I THOUGHT I smelled alfalfa" Shrek added, "A certain cow must've landed there last night"
"Wouldja LOOKIT DIS MESS!" Luggs cried looking around the battle-weary area, "Yous guys wrecked so many potions and a light fixture what's gotta be replaced...! But, a deal's a deal" he continues, snapping his fingers for one of his employees to hand Shrek a jar, "Now take your salve and get out of my sight! And, if I catch yous boys and your farm-fresh, over-sized action figure over here on my property again, it'll be too soon!"
Let's check in on Bunny and her guys, shall we? Okay, a bunch of the grunts are in pain, one of them is getting medical attention...Oh, there's Bunny! Sitting on a giant mushroom.
"This can't be right!" Bunny pondered, staring at her hammer, "He ain't a rabbit!"
Suddenly, Bunny jumped, hearing a series of beeps sounding like Little Bunny Foo Foo. She scrambles and pulls out a crystal ball. On the ball appeared a blonde fairy in white.
"Hello, my little Bunny. Did you manage to shut down that nasty factory?"
"A-ah tried, ma'am, but, ah ran into Rider again"
"Ah, yes, the impetuous rascal that quelled three of your latest missions...Well, four. Well, there's always next time to-"
"Oh, not THIS time! It's personal now! Accordin' to mah intel, their route takes them through Meriolde. Ah can stop 'em there! Ah could also hire somebody to get 'em on the path there!"
"...Very well, but, remember, if they make it past Meriolde, they would be going past Carroll Hallow, which I advised you not to visit just yet. And you know what happens after your third chance"
"Don't worry, boss, Ah know a guy on that path an' he'll be MORE than enough of a fight for him, ah guarantee it!"
Our story continues in Chapter 4: The Bandit From The East! Seishuku Ongaeshi Approaches! But, first, how about we see how that Pummel Bee business played out?
