Clearly a vent piece and- I really feel that despite not wanting to have to post shit like this that I-... Like there I not denying that this is what my personal work is gonna be like this. I've been like this for so long of course it's gonna be a manger part of what I'll have to say.
I have had an idea for a story and even with the simple premises of a few dudes playing fighting games together I can't help but wanting to talk about the other side of this otherwise joyful activity. Like- what if people in the group stop caring as the initial interest grows out and now you're the only one how still really cares. Over time you're the only one keeping the group alive because if it weren't for you asking to play others and some polite bitching the group would be dead cold.
But that's calling people out. Am I saying that they don't care? That they don't really like the game? No. They just have better things to do. They are things that are more important than this little club of ours. I only care this much because that's one of the few things I care about.
This might sound like I had that last part in mind but... I just realized that while typing this.
And that's the catch, I can't blame anyone. I can't be mad and can't be sad. I have no reason to be emotional. Because I would come off as mean, that I'm taking them into consideration, that I'm over doing it, that I'm putting there dedicated into questions without wondering what the goals of this group was. Besides aren't you happy when we do play?
So I just have to deal with those emotions on my own and be happy of what I do have. Because it could be worse, because it's something, because it isn't nothing.
Yet I'm not happy, I'm ever kind of sad. Because I thought it would of been better.
And look now. It's me, it really was just me. I had big expectations and since they weren't met I'm sad? How selfie of me. Can't you get by with bread and water. Cursed be me for having greater ambitions.
There you have it though. Now t only this but take this as a meta for other stuff and you can get an idea for a good few things in my life. Between group project to relationship.
...And while I'm being honest I- for a long time- when I was younger I thought that people were wearing a mark of indifference and generally well-being. But it really was just me how what holding back as to not scare them away.
...I- it's a lot. It's too much at once. But I can't keep talking in the wind.
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5 years ago
28 Jan 2020 17:25 CET
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