Pregnant. He was carrying his late boyfriend's baby. The scans were right, the test were right. It had all been right.
This couldn't be happening to him. It just couldn't. No! He wasn't ready to go through another pregnancy, not yet! He hadn't long lost his second daughter due to Eggman and Infinite! And now, he was going to carry another? When he had just found out his boyfriend had died?
Oh Chaos, why? Why him? What had he done wrong to deserve such a harsh slap in the face like this? Why was fate being so awful to him? Why did it always take away his happiness? He had been doing so good, and now he was back at square one. His heart couldn't take any more heartache. It just couldn't. Starlight had been through enough in his life and how he was going to be facing this alone. As a single parent. A single parent grieving for their partner, for the father of their baby.
He hadn't stopped crying for hours. No, for days, actually. Each passing day felt agonising. It was like he was breathing in sharp glass, causing his chest to hurt from the pain his heart, his head dizzy from the shock. The hedgehog just didn't know what to do any more. He was stuck, begging for life to spare him from this agony. He just wanted it to let him go from it's evil clutches, to let him be free from pain.
It was like no matter what he did, he always had to suffer in the end. He lost his twins shortly after he had given birth to them, then Cerulean, the mother of his twins, left him after having tried to kill him. His second daughter was born on the Death Egg, then she was taken from him and he was made to be separated from her. He didn't even know if she was alive now. He had never stopped believing she was still alive, that she was waiting for him to rescue her. His babies had suffered too no matter the circumstance.
So what the hell was going to be different about this time? Starlight couldn't believe in happiness any more, he was beginning to feel like he didn't deserve it. He had it taken from him time, and time again. Why should he believe any different? He was going to lose this one too, wasn't he? He was going to lose this baby too, just like the others. Just like his siblings, his late boyfriend. His late friends. His late adoptive son.
Starlight was just not meant to have good luck was he? He was so envious of his friends, of how they were able to live almost normal lives and had hardly any bad luck thrown at them. Of course, he was not malicious about it, rather he was glad they were all okay! It was just-- He wished it could happen to him too once in a while. For continuously saving the world, was his his reward? Was this what fate was going to treat him with? A sick game for life to play? For it to laugh at him and remind him of all the things he had lost?
Chaos, life was hell in itself. How he wished he had never become a Freedom Fighter. Perhaps all of this would have never happened, that maybe, just maybe, he'd have led a normal life and he'd never have to deal with the amount of responsibility and sheer pressure he faced nearly every day of his life.
When he met his late partner, a rabbit named Jun, a few years ago, everything had changed for the better. He felt happy and like his life was going in the right direction. He never wanted anything to change. Life had other plans, and it took Jun away from him, leaving him all alone once more and helpless in his own spiral of depression awaiting him.
Another battle with depression. Just another day to him. But now, with him being pregnant, this was going to make it so much worse. It was going to be a constant reminder how Jun died and left him to continue life without him. How their baby was going to grow up without ever knowing of Jun, of how amazing he was and how kind he was. Only Starlight was going to know of him, and Jun's parents.
They were grieving too. Starlight saw their brokenhearted expressions on their faces when the nurse in the hospital told them Jun had died. The hedgehog had to leave because he was worried he was going to make everything worse by crying in front of them when they should be able to grieve without trying to comfort him as well.
He felt sick. He didn't want this. Starlight could not blame the baby for existing but he felt nauseous for even knowing he was carrying Jun's baby, a piece of his existence within his stomach. The hedgehog was twelve weeks gone, almost starting to show though not quite yet. He figured he had enough time to figure out what he truly wanted to do with the baby and himself.
He could go for an abortion. Or not. His heart was telling him one thing while his head was telling him another. It was so difficult for him to decide on what was 'right'. Would Jun have wanted this baby too? Or would he have said it was too soon? Chaos, why did Jun have to go and leave him like this?
The blue hedgehog drew in a shaky breath, hands over the tiny bump he was carrying, eyes wide and full of tears. "I-I-- I'm not sure if you'd be loved." he admits painfully, sobbing afterwards.
He didn't. He wasn't sure he could guarantee the baby of any feelings towards it because of the timing the baby had been revealed to him, but he knew deep down the baby was clueless. Oblivious to the life outside it's father's body. Unaware of it's father's emotional state. Starlight could not blame his baby for that. For any of it.
"B-- But," he says as he gasps, starting to feel breathless from the amount of crying he had done throughout the day. "But, I can try to love you. I know-- I-I know you aren't at fault."
He smiles with tears rolling down his face.
"I know you're just an innocent tiny thing with no knowledge of your origin. And you cannot hear me yet," he very gently rubbed his bump, smiling despite feeling like all hope had been lost for him. "But could I really hate you? N-no, no. You're a tiny baby, an innocent being. I c-can't do it. I can't."
No, Jun wouldn't have wanted him to hate their child, to blame their child for his passing when the baby had absolutely nothing to do with it. The baby was an outcome of their love, a symbol of how much they loved each other and still do in passing. Chaos, how could he even think about abortion when he was literally carrying what was left of Jun?
Idiot. No. He needed to do this for them, for their baby. Make sure they lived. Love them, give them all the love in the world. Hate does nothing, while love does everything. What kind of a father would he be if he hated his own flesh and blood because of his partner's passing?
A bloody bad one.
"S-so, I-- I'm going to keep you. I've decided. I'm going to keep you in my life, protect you and love you. Give you the life you deserve, the life Jun would have wanted for you. I'm so sorry I never noticed you sooner, or thought about giving you up. It won't ever happen again. Not now, not ever."
Starlight had made up his mind. He was going to raise this baby alone, to ensure their baby lived the life they should have. To make sure Jun could see them grow up and become the credit to him. After all, Starlight was sure this was what Jun would have wanted for him and their baby.
"I-I need a bit of time though, okay? Papa's gone through something really awful, he's not been feeling well. Please trust me, I will protect you. P-promise."
It became a silent promise to Jun. Something Starlight was going to intend on keeping.