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Saucy
Saucy's Gallery (1980)

Jealousy and Self Loathing

Messenger bag troubles

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by Saucy
vent art

Keywords
bird 17,498, vent 1,279, jealousy 208, self loathing 4
Details
Type: Picture/Pinup
Published: 1 month, 4 weeks ago
Rating: General

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300 views
22 favorites
22 comments

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jellymouse
1 month, 4 weeks ago
#relatable
Floofy
1 month, 4 weeks ago
I tried drawing.
This.

Also, Envy*
Kagemusha
1 month, 4 weeks ago
Yeah, feeling kind of like this everytime I look at great art °_o
ParaBlack
1 month, 4 weeks ago
think that is moot as well... I bet that is what some think when they look at your art :p

Also it's why I didn't get into art. I know I could have gotten good, but didn't have the passion so I knew those thoughts would plague me
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
:') it's about recognition/fame/etc.. more than it is about actual art
Kittybasket
1 month, 4 weeks ago
Me every time I look at your art lmao
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
I'm not anywhere near succesfull tho
Kittybasket
1 month, 3 weeks ago
It's all relative
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
My viewership/followers/fanbase grows extremely slowly when compared to tons of other artists
I can't even actually make a living out of it anymore because I keep finding myself with more things to pay, but not more income. With the amount of debt I'm in, it's becoming increasingly possible that ill have to give up on art as a carreer, and the only option for me would be something like welfare because I have no other useful skills, I have no social skills, I've got BPD and can't work with people, I don't have a car, I've got no physical strength, I've got ADD and can't concentrate on work that doesn't passionate me....
So maybe it's relative
But what I need I just don't have.
Kittybasket
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Ditto right here too, I've been drawing for 9 years now and I didn't get past the "average" artist's level of audience, I can't make money out of it, and I can't learn something new cause I spent too much time on trying to draw and design stuff for it to be ignored, I'm not trying to out-victim you though, or belittle your suffering, I'm really sorry if it came out that way, you're super likeable, and a great artist, and I hope you succeed
The only advice I can try to give is that sometimes you have to step waaaaay out of your comfort zone, despite the doubts or problems you have, to achieve a small thing, that just might be what you need to snowball it towards success, and when you succeed you wouldn't even realize it until way later, just be patient and tenacious
I love you and I wish I could do more <3
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Ahh no don't worry about that
I'm mostly venting, and didn't mean to put it onto someone.
I'm mostly scared because it's my livelihood, and wondering if I'm losing the one thing I thought I had...
Kittybasket
1 month, 3 weeks ago
That's exactly what I feel
dobermanny
1 month, 4 weeks ago
Considering the level of artistic talent you possess on your own, I can't imagine that feeling stays around for long.  I wish I could draw as well as you.  
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
it's not about art. It's about success.
dobermanny
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Then I feel sorry for you.  Patreon ends up becoming the bane of one's existence when it starts to become the measurement of how well one is at their craft. Your drawing above does not at all reflect this sentiment - that the concern is about "success" versus feeling good about one's skills.

I used to do comic-style coloring and some minimal drawing:

https://www.deviantart.com/jman2004/gallery/

I've gone a different direction in life from those days, though I wasn't too bad at the craft. I'm not saying that I didn't wish for success in some way, but I knew popularity wasn't going to be one of them.  Sure artists seem a dime a dozen, but I look at your stuff and wish I had that level of understanding - at least consistently.  No telling what my skills could be by now.  I'd feel pretty happy about it.  

I know you likely don't care about this response, given your reply, but certainly if you consider success by how many patreon followers you have or how easy you can buy a new 5-bedroom house with the money, yeah, that's gonna be hard.  Too many players in that field - you instead find a niche that you enjoy and work from there to build a reliable following, and play the long game while working to pay the bills.
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Drawing's the only thing I'm able to do, and my only source of income.
I don't really want more than what I already have, though I WOULD like to treat myself once in a while
I mostly just want to not lose what I already have because I can't afford it anymore...
dobermanny
1 month, 3 weeks ago
If drawing is your only source of income, then you'll indeed have to keep working at it.  Mind you, I suggest you discover further skillsets to maintain a living while you build your fanbase.

Patreon is a godsend to many folks because they (potentially) don't have to work as hard to earn money as an artist.  Straight up commissions, art books or etsy merch to earn a living is a pasttime, at least for as long as Patreon is around. We live in a generation of opportunists that hope to make money on these sites, or YouTube, or Instagram, and it's not hard to see why people feel discouraged when they look at someone who's "doing better" in that.  I support maybe 1-2 folks on Patreon, but if that service wasn't around, would you give up?

Anyway, I'm certainly in no place to criticize. I follow you because I really like your art.  It's cute and detailed, colorful and pleasant to watch. There's a ton of artists out there - some manage to make a business out of their talents, and others do it as a side hustle with patreon as a perk. I hope you find a happy medium in the sea of artists that flood the space every year, possibly thinking the same way you do about your life options, and hoping to make it big on their drawings.  
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
I only use patreon as a tip box with rewards.
All the art I do is available publicly eventually (granted it's not requested to be private by commissioners) and I tried to make the watermark as unintrusive as possible.
I tried making patreon exclusive stuff in the past, but in the end just didn't feel good doing so because I want to share the art I draw. Patreon really doesn't make much of my income, and what I get on there is mostly used to keep my website live, and pay for my picarto premium membership (I wish I felt good enough to stream again).
If anything, I get jealous of other more successful artists because they have more people who can support them financially. Going with percentages, it might be the same, like if it's 10% of followers ready to commission, then it's 10 people when you've got 100 followers, but 100 if you've got 1000, and 1000 if you've got 10,000.
And it just sounds
so much more secure.
And the harder I work without seeing much results, the more I feel like it's not worth it, the more I feel like I'm not worth it.
Some type of impostor syndrome that makes me believe I don't deserve the viewership I already have because there's no way what I do is good enough if I'm in the red when I feel like it's my only option...
And if I'm not good enough at the one single thing I ever felt confident in, then what good am I at all.
dobermanny
1 month, 3 weeks ago
I feel for you.  I don't feel sorry for you, because that's certainly not how I'd want you to feel about yourself.  I once got performance anxiety at a drawing session for beginners workshop, thinking I was supposed to be as good as my artist friends.  It felt horrible, but in the end, feeling that way missed the whole point of the workshop.  

More "successful" artists had to pay their dues to get where they are now. There are no exceptions to this - not for anyone.  I look at TwoKinds - the Tom Fishbach 10 years ago drew anime-style characters like everyone else, and I'm sure he cringed at those rough designs a few years later.  Thankfully what happened to him was Twokinds itself - a comic adventure that encouraged him to continue drawing over time, gain a following that liked the story and characters, and it seems most of all, something he liked doing. Maybe you can create your own ongoing story.

Something I think is lost among all the noise.  While it might seem that artists are everywhere, there are many more that were artists at a younger age but gave up.  Those that continued on - did it because they enjoyed it, or felt confident to keep learning, now have skills that those rest of us wish we had.  We just glare at those folks that wish they were "good enough" to be as popular as the artists they covet.

I'm hardly a psychologist - my father is by profession. All I can say is that you _are_ good enough at the one single thing you ever felt confident in.  To rate that skill by how many followers you have is unrealistic. You want to remember why you kept drawing into adulthood, even when many of us stopped. You'll find your place among those that love your work and will support it financially.
Saucy
1 month, 3 weeks ago
just letting you know I don,t really have time to reply, but I did read this, and will formulate a better response later
thanks for your time btw. I have a tendency to have trouble accepting help, but I am grateful.
dobermanny
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Don't worry about it.  I didn't want to overstep any boundaries, just seeing your post made me think about my own experiences as a budding artist, having anxiety over how I did against my peers, and not enjoying the craft as much as I could have simply recognizing I have to pay my dues to get better, and find ways to relish the process of learning.  An ongoing comic may give you that opportunity so long as you want to tell a story you enjoy.
StrangeBreed
1 month, 4 weeks ago
Know this feel too well
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