I have one of those plastic clipboards, upon which my drawing sheet may be held in place (I draw from my lap).
But what to draw?
Who should Timmy stand naked in front of this time ...what vintage TV character should I make a fan art of?
Neither seems like a good use of my time (which, I know, grows shorter by the moment).
Still, I like drawing. If nothing else, drawing is an option---it's something I know I can do that might bring joy to someone else.
Even so, I've been there many times. Years ago, I did art trades. Art trading kept me busy and helped me learn the basics of cartooning. I now have the confidence to draw most of my own characters to my satisfaction (mine's a low bar, but I'm happy with it).
Art trading served its purpose and is no more.
My Timmy art helped me understand myself as a sexual being. Through Timmy, I was able to vicariously amend some childhood tragedy and discover that which truly appeals to me.
Having fulfilled this, the Timmy art has become repetitive, and attempts to keep it going have (in a few cases) tainted it with undue sexuality.
Throughout my relationship with my (now) deceased S/O, I made ACEO cards. I discovered ACEO soon after falling in love and thereafter made ACEO my secondary medium of expression (ACEO is the reason I have watchers on FA).
Alas, I find I had been making these (in part) to entertain my S/O ...I don't watch television anymore, and have drawn most of the 'important' TV characters from my childhood. I'm just no longer interested (I derived no pleasure from drawing Periwinkle Bellflower: my latest ACEO subject at the time of this writing).
I'm not going anywhere---I'm still drawing (obv), it's only my enthusiasm that isn't here anymore.
Longtime watchers may recall the stories I used to write about Timmy and his wily animal companions. They weren't abrupt or pointless (like my latest skunk comic), neither were they few or far between.
I quite literally cannot write like that anymore. This isn't coming from a rut or a phase I'm going through---it's been this way around a year now; it's not changing soon.
I don't even want to put effort into my art anymore---sketches and dumps have become the norm ...it's almost as if I want the drawings over-with (and my watchers don't seem to mind ...I have more watchers than ever, in fact).
I find, in general, there isn't anything I want from life anymore. I'm not lacking anything---I have food, money, and a place to live (packed full of things). Even so, though I have so much, I feel there's nothing left to take.
This is depression... the only hope or 'comfort' I have comes from knowing this. I tell myself others don't feel this way---it's chemistry causing this. My thoughts of hopelessness and abandonment have no real foundation---it's just more chemistry talking.
There is a season for everything, they say: a time to laugh; a time to weep; a time to dance; a time to mourn.
That's my comfort: the knowledge nothing lasts forever, be it good or bad.
*puts away clipboard*
Details
Published:
5 years, 9 months ago
21 Apr 2019 23:06 CEST
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