``Leo, if you don't get a handle on that damn sword . . . .'' Raph began.
Mikey gasped. ``You said a bad word.''
``No I didn't,'' Raph said, flushing crimson.
``Yes you did,'' Leo said, his grin wide.
``Nope, I did not,'' Raph insisted.
``You heard him, right Donnie?'' Mikey asked, turning to the genius.
Don was seated with his back to his brothers, typing away on his smart phone. Lifting a hand, he waved in their direction without looking at them.
``Not only did I hear it, I recorded it,'' Don said.
``Ha!'' Leo yelped triumphantly. ``Proof!''
``Don't change the subject,'' Raph said with a frown. ``We were talking about you and your portal mistakes.''
``I get it!'' Mikey chirped, jumping up and down in front of his older brother. ``Handle, sword. Good one, Raph!''
``I wasn't making a joke!'' Raph shouted.
``That's good to know,'' Don said as he took a selfie. ``It wasn't very funny.''
Raph shot a dirty look at his brother's soft shell. ``I know how to tell jokes.''
``You are a terrible joke teller,'' Leo said. ``You never remember the punch line.''
``I do too,'' Raph asserted.
``Oh, really?'' Don asked, spinning around to face his brother. Setting an elbow on his knee, he rested his chin on the palm of his hand and said, ``Tell us a joke.''
Raph's eyes darted from left to right, droplets of sweat rolling down his face. ``Um, ah . . . ., I . . . .''
``You don't know any, do you?'' Leo asked with a smirk.
``Just give me a minute,'' Raph said.
``Yeah, give him a minute,'' Mikey said. Glancing at the expression on Raph's face, he added, ``Maybe give him two minutes.''
``I've got one!'' Raph exclaimed triumphantly, snapping his fingers. ``Okay, okay, listen up. So, these three mutants escaped from . . . somewhere see, and they were out in a desert . . . .''
``How did they get to the desert?'' Don asked.
``That wouldn't be where I'd want to escape to,'' Leo said.
``It doesn't matter how they got there,'' Raph said in what he hoped was a firm tone. ``Let me finish.''
``Let him finish,'' Mikey said. ``Go ahead, Raph.''
``Thank you,'' Raph said. He took a deep breath and then released it. ``The three mutants walked across the desert and the first mutant said, `I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat.''
``What kind of bread was it?'' Leo asked. He held his fingers an inch apart. ``If it was one of those tiny rolls he'll still be hungry.''
``I must agree with Leon,'' Don said. ``The small rolls will not sate the appetite . . . .''
``Will you two stop?'' Raph demanded. ``It's not my joke telling that's the problem, it's your joke listening.''
``There's a right and wrong way to listen to a joke?'' Mikey asked, his eyes wide. ``All this time I've been doing it the wrong way!''
``There, there, Michael,'' Don said, using one of his mechanical hands to pat his brother's shell. ``Your listening skills are exceptional.''
``Yeah, it's Raph's joke telling that's the problem,'' Leo said. ``I mean, we've been here for forty-seven minutes and he still hasn't gotten to the point.''
``It has not been forty-seven minutes,'' Raph proclaimed.
Don glanced at his watch. ``It has been twelve point thirteen minutes.''
``Why is it taking you so long to tell this joke?'' Leo asked.
``Because you keep interrupting!'' Raph yelled. To himself he muttered, ``Okay, Raph, calm down, ignore them, tell the joke.''
``Twelve point twenty-five minutes,'' Don said.
Raph glared at him, to which Don merely shrugged. ``The second mutant,'' Raph said, the look on his face defying anyone to interrupt, ``said `I brought a jug of water, so when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink.''
``It has been determined that a person can survive much longer without food than they can without water,'' Don said. ``The mutant with the water will most certainly live longer.''
``Why don't they share?'' Mikey asked. ``I would totally share.''
``Ah, Miguel, you are too kind hearted,'' Leo said.
``The food and water are not the point of this joke,'' Raph snapped.
``What is the point of this joke?'' Don asked.
``If you all would let me finish, you'd find out,'' Raph said.
Leo wiggled his fingers in Raph's face. ``By all means, do finish. I'm growing old.''
Raph growled at him and Leo winked. Running a palm over his face, Raph continued. ``The third mutant puffed out his chest, feeling so much smarter than the other two. There was a smug look on his face . . . .''
``Kinda like the one Donnie always has,'' Leo said. ``Know-it-all.''
``You are confusing smug with contempt,'' Don shot back. ``Didn't this whole conversation start with your inability to control the portal power of your odachi?''
``I thought it started because Raph said a bad word,'' Mikey said, looking confused.
``It started because I can't tell a joke!'' Raph shouted. ``No, wait . . . .''
``I do wish you would tell this one,'' Don said. ``I do have other business to which I must attend.''
Raising his voice, Raph began talking fast. ``The third mutant said, `I brought a car door so that if I get hot, I can roll down the window.''
He stopped and looked expectantly at his brothers. All three of them stared back.
``Oh,'' Don finally said. ``Was that the joke?''
``Yes that was the joke! Don't you get it?'' Raph asked.
``Not really,'' Leo said, scratching his chin.
``Desert . . . heat . . . roll down the window?'' Raph held his hands out. ``Come on guys, it was funny.''
``Ha, ha, ha, ha! I get it now!'' Master Splinter said. He was standing in the doorway. ``Good one, Red.''
Clasping his hands behind his back, he walked away, chuckling to himself.
``I still don't get it,'' Mikey complained. ``I liked the handle and sword joke better.''
``That one wasn't a joke!'' Raph yelled, waving his arms in the air.
``Whatever,'' Leo said, heading for the kitchen. ``I want pizza. Anybody else want pizza?''
``Sounds good,'' Don said, jumping up from the floor to follow his brother.
Shoulders slumped, Raph's arms and head dangling dejectedly. Mikey stopped to pat his shell. ``It's okay, Raphie. We can't all be the funny one. You should stick to the serious stuff, like talking to Leo about his portals.''
Raph scowled as Mikey walked off, humming to himself. ``That's what I was trying to do.''
The younger turtle paused to look back. ``Then maybe skip the handle and sword jokes next time. You totally changed the subject.''
``But I wasn't . . . .'' Raph stopped as Mikey disappeared from sight. ``I give up.''
