Someone once asked me what I would do if I could start my life all over again. But I had no honest answer the day that question was asked. I suppose that depends whether or not I can restart my life with all the knowledge I have now. And even though I won't be able to change every aspect of my life and certain things will be inevitable, I can at least be prepared and know what is coming. I would be able to see my future and decide my own fate based on the new decisions I would make. Because if I don't, what's the point of restarting my life if I can't see what lies ahead? Most people wouldn't like to know the things that life has in store for them in the near or distant future and I used to think that way as well for many years. Life was an adventure; no one and nothing could prepare you for it and that's how its supposed to be. If there ever was something that could've predicted my future, I knew I wouldn't want to hear it back then. But now that I've lived my life, I wished I could've seen things long before it took place...
Ever since I was little, I always had a knack for adventure, which also caused me to get into lot of trouble... But when I met my future husband Mazhar back in high school, he had the same thrive for adventure as I did. He was still a young lion who's manes just started to grow but we fell in love during our time in high school. Mazhar and I have been inseperable ever since when life seemed so easy back then in the seventies and eighties. And once we graduated, we both wanted to travel so we saved up to buy a Volkswagen T1 campervan, build somewhere in the late sixties. Like true wannabe hippies, we started to travel around the country, meeting so many people on our journey. We had no care in the world, taking every day we were given as it was. We enjoyed the good days and accepted the bad ones. During our travels, there was always a job available whenever we stayed somewhere for a longer period of time. Basically, we took any temporary job that required simple skills and that was enough for us to get by. I for example worked as a cashier at a store or as a waitress while Mazhar plucked tomatoes at a local farm or did some landscaping. The money we made was saved up and we only used what was nessescary so needless to say, we also managed to save up a bit for rainy days. I can honestly say those nine years of traveling around were the best years of my life... Every day was a new adventure... This is how we lived our lives until Mazhar and I started a whole new adventure together...
It always was my life's wish to become a mother myself. And for that wish to be realized, Mazhar and I knew that our adventure had to come to an end if we wanted to provide a good home for our cubs... So we sold our much beloved camper van, had nine to five jobs and rented a small apartment in Stanford to settle down in nineteen eighty seven. I started a job as an assistant at a day-care and followed courses to become a day-care teacher while Mazhar worked as an accountant, slowly working his way up. A year later, Mazhar and I got married together and tried to fulfill our life's wish to start a family of our own. But to no avail.. We went to see a doctor to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant after numerous failed attempts to conceive... Even with fertility treatment, it simply wasn't meant to be... So we move on to a specialist to have us examined instead. It turned out that Mazhar wasn't the problem... It was me... Our doctor recommended to have an intrauterine insemination procedure which could increase the chance of me getting pregnant... While it certainly increased the chance of pregnancy, it was no guarantee... After countless of treatment cycles, I still wasn't with child... There was a spark of hope for my husband and me when I was eligible for IVF treatment when the intrauterine inseminations failed to make me pregnant... It took well over a month to make all the nessecary preperations, paperwork to be filled out and to receive an approval from our inssurance company but the day I got the confirmation that our application was accepted, my husband and I were overwhelmed with joy... There was still a chance for us to start a family of our own... It took two cycles of IVF treatment but the second one was succesful... I became pregnant... And much to our joy, I was carrying twins... After all these years, I would finally see our life wish come true...
'Ma'am? Stay with me. Can you tell me your name?'
I could hear the guy who towered above me perfectly, even though he appeared to be nothing but a blurry shadow... Bright lights were shining right in my face as soon as I struggled to open my eyes but I had no idea where I was and I couldn't remember what happened... The unbearable pain in my stomach slowly went away as I felt myself slipping away into the most relaxing sleep I've ever had only to be rudely woken up by that guy again...
'Hey, stay with me, okay? Open your eyes, please. What is your name? How old are you?'
'M-My name...? Shirazi... Twenty eight years old...'
'Good, good. What year is it?'
'Nineteen ninety two... Please, m-my babies...'
'Blood pressure dropped to seventy over fifty, get that IV set up. She's going in shock. Hang in there, Shirazi.'
'Twenty eight year old female lioness, fourteen weeks pregnant, has severe gynecologic hemorrhage and pains in the abdominal region-...'
That was the only thing I remember from that faithful day...
We never got to name them... I got rushed to the ER when I had severe stomach aches and rapidly started to lose blood... They managed to save my life but a part of me died that day when I lost my cubs... It just wasn't fair... My cubs would never experience life the way I have and I would gladly give my own if that meant they would live... That's how precious they were to me...
My husband Mazhar rushed to the hospital when he heard what happened and stayed with me... When I woke up the next day in the recovery room, I saw him resting his head on the bed, seemingly asleep while he was holding my hand... The moment I caressed his manes, he looked up and faced me, his eyes all red like he haven't slept in ages... He was so distraught after hearing what happened and seeing the look in his eyes made me tear up inside...
Once my condition was stable enough, a doctor came to see me to fill me in on what happened... But I just kept staring in blank space while most of his words fell on deaf ears when it became too much for me... I only heard one thing... “I'm sorry for your loss...” and it took a while to let those words sink in... The future I imagined for my cubs, all the hopes and dreams I had for them shattered to pieces when I came to the realisation of the awful truth... I never got to hold them... I will never see them take their first steps or hear their first words... Never had the chance to tug them in to kiss them goodnight or read them a bed time story... We would never celebrate their birthdays and see the joy on their faces as they unwrap their presents... After all that we've tried, all the fears and insecurities we had, they still got taken away from me... It hit me harder than anything ever could... The only question that ran through my head was “why” and I was desperate for an answer... But no one could provide me with one... Not even the doctors could...
They've kept me in the hospital for several days to regain my strenghts and heal physically. But I couldn't cope with our loss mentally... Two months after the loss of my cubs, I went to see a psychiatrist to help me grief when I just couldn't handle it anymore... It helped me to get my life back on track but the loss of my cubs will always be a part of me and the pain of losing them never truly went away. Trying to get pregnant again felt as if I was going to deny everything that happened... I felt guilty for even thinking of trying again and it took me a long time to convince myself that I wasn't responsible... Instead, it gave me hope... A misscariage doesn't nessescarily mean I couldn't get pregnant anymore... So Mazhar and I decided to try again... But even after two years, I still wasn't with child...
Mazhar always was the strong one in times where I lost hope, providing me comfort whenever I needed it the most... He was the kind of man who could control his emotions in front of others but there has been times when it became too much for him as well... Sometimes at night, he became restless and isolated himself when he was under the impression that I was asleep... It wasn't easy for him to cope with whenever I was under so much emotional stress and it took its toll on him as well... And while he always pretended to be fine, I knew he wasn't... He didn't have to be the strong one... If only he realized that nobody expected him to be, especially not me... But it did something to us, as a couple... The passion in our love and sex life was dying out as the years passed... Mazhar and I didn't have sex out of love anymore but instead, we had sex with the intention to conceive... Like it became a daily chore instead... And when something becomes a chore, you get bored of it eventually... He wasn't looking at me the way he used to... Instead, he looked at me and got reminded of all the hardships we've been through... Even though our love for each other kept us together, the intimacy we once shared was changed forever and neither of us could enjoy it anymore... We saw the passion withering away while neither of us knew how to bring it back... Sex was without emotion while at some point, we weren't even looking at each other anymore... And more often than not, I felt an empty void within whenever the deed was done... But nevertheless, we kept trying to conceive... Because I refused to give up hope...
We went to see different specialists again, to have us and the treatments I've been having examined but all of them came to the same conclusion... Idiopathic infertility... It simply couldn't be explained why I wasn't able to get pregnant and that's all there was to it... But I couldn't accept it and it didn't stop us from trying again... And again... And again until six years have passed since the loss of my cubs...
'Hun...? It's two AM, just come to bed... It's late...'
Mazhar quietly knocked on the bathroom door but I didn't hear him at first... I was sitting on the toilette staring at a negative pregnancy test... Every time a pregnancy test came out as a negative, I felt a chunk crawling up my throat... I've seen too many of them turning negative... Perhaps I was cherishing false hope of ever getting pregnant the natural way but it was still hope nonetheless. But my hope was slowly fading as the years passed by... And that night, I felt so broken and lost... Feeling so ashamed and deprived of my self worth... I just couldn't take it anymore... Mazhar came into the bathroom when he heard me sobbing quietly and he saw the negative pregnancy test on the bathroom counter... He walked up towards me, kneeled down and gave me a kiss on my forehead, hugging me tight as I cried...
'It's okay... Sssh, it's alright, sweetheart...'
'No, it's not... It's just not fair...'
'I know, baby...'
'I don't know what to do anymore, Mazhar...'
'Perhaps it's time we take adoption into consideration...'
'We've talked about that...'
'I know but-...'
'It's not an option...'
'What other options do we have then...?'
'We can apply for IVF treatment again... The insurance company would-'
'They're not going to cover the expenses again after a succesful cycle, Shirazi... We'll have to finance the treatment this time and you know we can't afford to do so...'
'Heh...'
'There's always a chance that you'll have another miscarriage... I can't handle another one... Not when it puts you at great risk like last time... And I can't lose you too...'
'So that's it then...? We'll just give up, just like that...?'
'No, baby... I'm just saying that we need to consider taking a different opportunity...'
'We would take a child in and accept it as our own while its mother put it up for adoption... Who in their right minds would give up their own children the moment after giving birth...?'
'You don't know their reasons... Most of these women just want to give their child the life they themselves can't give...'
'And you think we can...? After everthing we've been through...?'
'That's why we need to take it into consideration first... Think things through, gain advice and inform ourselves before we go through with it...'
'I don't want to give up on myself, Mazhar... But I just can't do this anymore...'
'I know it's a hard decision for you to make but regardless, it's something we decide together... But I honestly believe it's time to consider adoption...'
'You really believe that...?'
'Yes... Because even though you may have given up on yourself, you never gave up on your hopes and dreams for our kids... And I know you'll do anything for them to make those dreams come true... You'd make an excellent mother if only you'd allow yourself the chance to become one...'
'We'll just have to take a different path...'
'Yes... We'll make it through, Shirazi... I promise...'
His words and unconditional love for me always helped me through... But nevertheless, I was always afraid that some day, he would leave me for a woman who is able to have his cubs... Having kids was just as much of his life's wish as it was mine... And if I wasn't able to fulfill his life's wish, then perhaps another woman could... I was so afraid to lose him because of that... But I think somewhere deep down inside, he always knew what was going on in my mind... He didn't have to say anything to make me feel better... Being held in his strong arms was enough for me to take on another day... I gently caressed his manes as he wiped the tears from my eyes... And without saying anything, he took my hand and I followed him to the bedroom...
Mazhar and I talked for several months about adopting children. But I was always against adoption even though I wasn't quite sure why... Maybe it was because I didn't want to give up on myself and lived in constant denial, cherishing false hope of ever giving birth... And by adopting children, I would concede to the idea that I was never able to have them myself... I just wasn't ready to accept the fact that I wasn't able to conceive, even though it's been years since I was diagnosed with infertility... The talks that Mazhar and I had often led to conflicts... Because every time we talked about adopting, it felt like he had given up on me and that he wanted me to give up on myself as well even though my assumption wasn't based on anything... And it wasn't fair the way I treated him because of that... It wasn't his fault... But the more we talked, the more I started to realize that Mazhar wasn't asking me to give up on myself... He was asking to give ourselves the chance to become the parents we've always wanted to be to someone, regardless of species and he was right... I shouldn't have denied myself the right to become a mother... I was nervous and I was scared yet slowly, my heart started to fill with joy once more when I realized it wasn't too late... I still remember the look on Mazhar's face the day I finally told him that I was ready to adopt... So we did our research, took everything in consideration and we informed ourselves by talking to different agencies... And after carefully evaluating all the agencies, we settled down on an agency we felt most comfortable with...
While the registration process itself was long and tedious, I always kept that spark of hope of holding my children one day... Mazhar and I received a thorough background check and had to supply numerous references which took about two months before it was finally complete but we weren't there just yet... A social worker got assigned to us and eveluated us on our ability to become parents... We had to tell them our whole story truthfully and she was aware that I had a miscarriage... For four months, I talked with our social worker about it, driving me to tears every time I had to bring up the subject... Talking about my infertility opened up old wounds that never really healed... And because of that, our request for adoption was denied...
The social worker felt that my inability to conceive and all the grief that I've been carrying ever since would interfere with my ability to parent and she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to provide a stable situation for our children... As if adopting children could ever replace my own... But our social worker didn't see it that way... She believed that adopting one would become a “replacement” instead... We tried to appeal the decision but the detailed reports of the social worker were clear when they were presented to the adoption panel... And it became a final verdict instead... The decision of one person who, in my eyes, wrongfully evaluated our abilities to parent shattered our dreams to pieces... And I was forever changed... I can't say I held a grudge against the social worker for doing her job... But that day, I felt like punching her in the fucking throat... She had no idea what we've been going through and how heavy the loss of my cubs weight on my heart... But that's exactly why we were denied in the first place... I was never able to let go... At some point, I came to the realisation that my social worker was right... I wasn't suitable to become a mother just yet when there were still so many things I wasn't able to process... But nevertheless, it did nothing to have eased the hurt... I couldn't handle another negative pregnancy test... I couldn't afford another IVF cycle... And I couldn't live with another rejection from an adoption agency... That day changed everything... And it was that day, I gave up trying to become a mother...
Mazhar wanted to apply at different adoption agencies because he didn't want to give up... But the rejection from the adaoption agency sent me right over the edge and caused me to spiral down into despression after all the hardships we've faced... And I just couldn't take it anymore... Applying at a different agency wouldn't help... They would surely reject us if we did because of me and my state of mind at the time... Whether Mazhar was in denial or simply didn't believe that couldn't be a reason for us to be rejected, he kept bringing up the subject while my answer always remained the same... I couldn't be a mother when I still had so many things to grieve over which is why I didn't want to adopt anymore, much to his frustration... The talks we had about it slowly turned into heated arguments and it strained our relationship more than ever... Because I denied him the right to become a father instead...
I went to see a psychologist to talk about my grievances and marital problems and I managed to get my life back on track eventually... And once I did, I resumed my job at the day-care and being around children was the only thing that could bring joy to my life... Attending to their every need and showered them with love and attention was the only thing I could live for, even though they weren't my own... Of course there were certain aspects about my job which I found most difficult to cope with... But those weren't the poopy diapers or a kid throwing a tantrum... No... The hardest part of my job was watching those kids go home with their own parents at the end of the day... But my job gave me satisfaction and a purpose in life, which is why I couldn't quit... So I pressed on...
Over the years, I followed different courses and studies to become a teacher. After working for six years at a day-care, I passed my studies and became a third grade teacher at an elementary school with older kids who had different needs. Besides the teaching, I also had occasional talks with them just to see how they were doing. Me and a handful of other teachers often planned fun activities for them to participate in, something the teachers joined in on as well. Things like baking cookies, organizing a giant bouncy castle on the school yard or have a large picnic at the park were one of the things I enjoyed the most... For ten years, I was a teacher at an elementary school but my ambitions didn't stop there. I kept following different studies which led me to a bachelor degree in the Renarian language and I started in two thousand fourteen at Swynnerston College in Wellham where I work as a Renarian language teacher up to this day.
Working as a teacher gave me a whole different perspective on my own life's wish. Because being a teacher is so much more than to impart knowledge onto someone. I was building a warm enviroment, became a role model and a listener while mentoring and nurturing any student who attended my classes. I have seen many wonderful things in all these years as a teacher... Feeling ever so proud whenever one of my students graduated or moved on to the next grade... But there have been times where a student confided me with more serious issues... And at times like that, I did everything I could to help them... But I like to think that they did so all on their own... I simply gave them a nudge in the right direction... And some of my students are still thankful that I have, which is the greatest compliment anyone could ever receive... To me, it felt I became a mother of many instead...
When I resumed my job and saw how much joy it brought me, Mazhar brought up the subject of adopting once more. But I was still afraid of rejection... Afraid that if I underwent that background check again, it would open up those old wounds again... Afraid that I would fall back into my old habits, after it took such a long time to have myself sorted out, which is why I couldn't do it anymore... In all these years that I've known him, Mazhar couldn't understand for the first time ever... I can't blame him for thinking that it was a selfish act from me because I still denied him to be the father he always wanted to be... It tore me up every time I realised that... Because I know he'd make a wonderful father but I just couldn't do it... And Mazhar was never able to forgive me for that... So when intimacy and passion dies out in a relationship, love is the only thing that can last to save a marriage... But even the love between us was slowly dying out as the years passed to the point we hardly had to anything to say to each other... The only reason why Mazhar and I stayed married is because we both believed that one day, things would go back the way they used to between us... Because neither of us wanted to go our seperate ways and neither of us wanted any of this... After all the doctors, social workers and psychologists I visited over the years, I couldn't stand seeing another one, which is why Mazhar and I never went into relationship therapy... We just expected to wake up one day and have all the love, passion and intimacy we once shared together return to us... But twenty six years have passed since and we're still waiting for that to happen... We slowly started to drift apart from each other as life went on...
Today I woke up on my fifty fourth birthday at around nine AM and I just kept staring at the ceiling for a while... At some point, Mazhar came in the bedroom to get dressed after he took a shower... And like me, he too changed appearance as the years passed... He used to have such an incredible meaty body... But his dark brown manes turned paler and he got a little fatter as the years passed... Still, he's just as handsome as the day I first met him... A lot of women would still fall for him despite his age... He certainly doesn't look like it... When Mazhar noticed I was awake, he smiled and gave me a kiss on my forehead, wishing me a happy birthday... I thanked him as I weakly smiled at him and I watched him getting dressed... There have been times where he was hardly at home and lately was no exception... Somehow, I never got rid of the idea that he was having a fling with other women over the years... And I can't blame him for that... If I couldn't give him what he needed, he would definitely find it with another woman... But I've never been the jealous type and nowadays, I hardly seem to care... He said he had to go to the office to finalize a project and that he'd probably be home this evening... On a Saturday...? “Sure, of course you do, Mazhar...” Nevertheless, I simply smiled and nodded and with that, he walked out the bedroom door... I wanted to believe that he would go out to buy me a birthday present but I knew better than that...
Once Mazhar left, I got undressed to have a shower and standing naked in front of the mirror, I took a good at myself and saw how all those years took its toll on me as well... My black hair draped over my shoulders turned a bit grayish as the years passed... My golden tawny fur turned pale... I got pudgy and my belly had a layer or two of fat... My breasts started to sag... Legs became more chubby and my ass wasn't as tight as it once used to be... No wonder Mazhar didn't want to touch me anymore... And just like him, I too have needs that were left unfulfilled for many years except I never had it in me to see other men... I couldn't do that to him but I had the feeling that Mazhar would hardly care if I did... Would I even be capable of doing something like that...? And even if I could, I didn't see myself as a desirable woman anymore... But being undesired by my own husband doesn't mean other men wouldn't want me... I often had these fantasies of meeting someone who would sweep me off my feet and to indulge myself in lustful pleasures that seemed to have no end... I kind of felt ashamed by the mere thought of it every time... But the longer I was thinking about it, the more appealing the idea seemed to get... Yearning for a little excitement in my life, I was looking for something that could break the daily grind my life has been for so many years... So perhaps it was time for me to have a little adventure of my own...
It's funny how life can turn out so differently than you once imagined it to be. Not everything goes the way you want it but it's important to find a purpose and give meaning to your life in the things you've been given. To take every opportunity and not having to regret a single thing. As much as I wanted to be a mother myself, I also knew I would pry open old wounds that never truly healed. Those old wounds would severely impact my ability to become a good parent which is why I thought it was for the best not to go through with it anymore... It was the hardest and most difficult decision I ever had to make in my life but it would be selfish of me if I adopted children, knowing all too well it wouldn't fill the empty void of conceiving them on my own. It wouldn't be fair towards them because I would adopt them for my own selfish reasons instead... And that's not what my children deserved... My children didn't deserve a mother who's out for personal satisfaction, which is why I never regret my decision even though my marriage was changed forever as a result of that... So if someone were to ask me now if I wanted to know things in advance, I'd say yes... I really wish I could've seen my future forty years ago... Because I believe my life would've taken a whole different turn if I knew in advance what to expect... But I suppose no one is to blame... It's just the way things are...
Even though a lot of things have changed over the years, I never gave up the hopes and dreams I have for my cubs. Even today, I keep thinking about what their names would've been and whether they would've been boys or girls, or perhaps even a boy and girl in our likeness. I imagine them taking their first steps and hearing their first words... I see myself tugging them in at night and read them a bed time story before they'd go to sleep... I imagine them looking anxiously back at me at their first day of school as they were going inside while I'm waving at them at the entrance, feeling ever so proud... I imagine their birthdays and the joy on their faces as they unwrap their presents... I see them being in love for the first time and to have their first job... I imagine all the achievements they would accomplish in their lives and all the love they've given... I see them getting married to someone they love the most and the birth of my grandchildren... I'd nuture and cherish them as the most valuable I'll ever have in my life... And even though these things were never realized, it makes me happy to think that I could've been that kind of mother to them... To have carried an untold story within me didn't make me feel sad because I'm the one who can fill in the blank pages... It means that I'm everything to be a deservering mother to them... But most importantly, it means that I still am a mother of two...
