The Toughest Turkey That Ever Were
© 2011 Marvin E. Fuller
One day, three or four hundred years ago, a Pilgrim went a'huntin' for a Thanksgiving turkey in what would one day be the Massachusetts countryside. After hours of searchin', he found one standin' at the foot of a big ol' tree, starin' up at an utterly cowed puma tryin' to hide in the tree's branches.
Now, were this a smart Yankee, he'd have stopped to wonder why a full grown puma would be terrified of this ol' bird, but the States weren't invented yet. More importantly, neither was TV, so the poor Pilgrim didn't know the turkey had been raised by Klingons. When he raised his blunderbuss to plug that darn turkey, it turned and skewered him with an angry look. Before the luckless Pilgrim could pull the trigger, that darn turkey raised its bat'leth*, screamed "ghIqtal!"**, and leaped to the attack!
Welzers, you can guess no Pilgrim could stand up to a bird raised by warrior aliens, and that Pilgrim got a hankerin' to join that puma up the tree. But the turkey was too fast and sliced its bat'leth around expertly, which must have been really impressive considerin' a turkey ain't got the hands to hold the thing with. Lucky for him, the Pilgrim tripped, and his blunderbuss accidentally went off, blastin' that darn turkey right in the gizzard. The turkey still came at the Pilgrim, a'swingin' its bat'leth and shriekin' in its alien tongue, but a big ol' hole in anyone's gizzard kind of makes it hard to carve up an opponent. Naturally, that Pilgrim took the opportunity to take to his heels and race home to hide under his bed.
What? You thought the turkey was goin' to have a Pilgrim roast, complete with brektal root stuffin' and bloodwine?† How could I tell you the story if the sole witness got hisself killed in the process? That was a bad one, that turkey. The Pilgrim was so rattled by the experience that he won't ever speak of it unless he's downed a few pints first.
Now you know the real story behind John Wayne's famous line, "Are you feelin' lucky, Pilgrim?"
* A curved sword used by Klingon warriors. This is the internet. Go look it up.
** Literally: "To the death!"
† Traditional Klingon foods after a satisfying battle make for a happy warrior.