I really shouldn’t be looking….
“Hurry up. Peter!” Kasey glanced back at me, before turning around and peddling faster. “The rain’s gonna catch us.”
“Yeah, I’m coming! Just… catching my breath.”
This isn’t right. I really, really shouldn’t be doing this.
Kasey stood up and glided forward on his bike, letting the wind from behind carry him forward.
How can I not look, though?
...Who even bought those shorts for him?
From the moment I’d fallen behind to 'catch my breath,’ my eyes were locked onto Kasey’s bottom. I wasn’t proud of it, but I couldn’t look away. Every time he stood up and let the wind blow through the fur of his tight legs, his pond-green running shorts clung to him, showing more than any boy’s shorts should.
He couldn’t have bought them himself. He’s only fourteen…. Where would he have gotten the money, and why would he have spent it on shorts? Unless he wanted them. Wanted to show off his-
The muscles in my throat tightened. I forced the thought to end.
No. No. Stop thinking like that. Stop thinking about Kasey like that. He’s a boy. You're a boy. Boys don't think about other boys.
Kasey stood up. “Hey, check this out!” His legs pressed down hard, alternating with each rotation of the bike’s fast spinning chain. There was a car pulling out of the community. The gate would close soon after, but if he managed to make it through before it closed, he wouldn’t have to get off his bike and walk it through the pedestrian gate.
I swallowed. My attempts to look away from my best friend’s bottom fell away into dust. I hate it when he does this….
But that was a lie.
I actually loved it when he stood up on his bike and peddled his little heart out. I loved it when his thighs rose and the shorts got pulled up tight against him. I loved the shape of his bottom poking through the thin fabric of the taut shorts. The sight of it made my cheeks burn and it made me feel energetic and alive and….
No…. It’s not right…. Kasey’s a boy.
I should be looking at girls. I should be up there right now, riding along side him, talking about who I have a crush on and who’s cute and about my feelings toward them—toward other girls.
But instead I’m riding behind him, examining his... behind.
Kasey peddled as fast as he could. The gate started slowly swinging shut.
If only girls had a butt as nice as his….
I was only half paying attention, but at this point I knew that if Kasey was going to make it through that gate in time, it was going to be close.
He has to stop now or go through it. He’s going too fast.
And in an instant, the point of no return was passed. Kasey peddled as fast as he could, sat down, glided, and with just enough space for him to clear the gate, he came to the exit. But an instant before he passed through, he panicked. His handlebars shook the tiniest bit, but it was enough.
One side of handlebars hit the gate. The whole front set of his bike twisted to the side in response. Kasey’s body was jostled and then fell sideways. The side of his face smacked against the asphalt.
.
For the whole ride to the dentist, all I could think about was Kasey.
We were in the backseat of my mom's minivan. He was sitting on the opposite side from me, his body curled up and leaning against the door. He had an ice-pack against his swollen cheek, though I wasn't sure it was doing much.
His cheek was burnt from grinding against the asphalt, and he had a cut on his cheek bone and on the side of his bottom lip, but the real damage was in his mouth. We weren't sure what exactly had happened, but he was clearly in immense pain and blood kept dribbling down his lip.
But it wasn't just his pitiful form in the corner of the backseat, occasionally whimpering, constantly sniffling, that left me thinking of him, but it was the memory of his pitiful form, lying there on the street, rising up from the rough asphalt in shock.
He'd looked up at me after the wreck and I smiled. My first thought had been 'wow, he's really taking it like a champ! That's my Kasey!' Sure, he looked confused, shocked, even a little... scared, but he'd seemed lucid, only mildly bruised, and still dry eyed.
And then the tears came.
His eyes glimmered, his shoulders scrunched up, blood trickled down from his mouth. His body shuttered as he let out silent sobs, and then noisy sobs--and then loud sobs. Immediate, acute pain loud. It wasn't long until he was lying on the ground, clutching his cheek, sobbing like a baby.
I've never seen Kasey cry like that before.
The memory... impressed itself upon me. As much as Kasey would detest the thought, it was something I'd never forget.
“We're here, honey.” My mom's voice was soothing, and she took the bump into the plaza extra slow.
Kasey didn't say anything. He just closed his weeping eyes and whimpered softly.
.
I don't know how long we sat in the dentist's office. At some point I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I looked up at the waiting room clock and saw it was late—really late—and I was groggy enough to not even bother registering the time. Anything between 1-4am was all kinda the same to me, at least after a nap in a rock hard chair.
Thankfully, not long after waking up, Kasey was brought out. His cheek was even more swollen now, but he wasn't holding anything up to it anymore. He wasn't crying either. He just seemed... exhausted.
He can barely keep his eyes open, I thought, watching as the nurse led his stumbling form out.
We walked over to them and my mom had a brief chat with the woman. I didn't hear most of it, though, because Kasey looked up at me and the moment they started to speak, he smiled. His eyes were glassy, his eyelids hung low, and his head wobbled around, like he were extremely... dizzy?
And that was when I heard the phrase 'still a little loopy from the drugs.'
“Hi....” Kasey mumbled to me, grinning like an idiot. Both my mom and the nurse looked down at him and smiled. My mom laughed. Kasey didn't even seem to notice.
While we were walking back to the car, Kasey grabbed my hand. My cheeks turned warm and my head darted in his direction, in shock. He either didn't notice or didn't care, but either way, he didn't look back.
When we got closer to the van, I peeled away from him before my mom could catch us.
I don't need her... suspecting anything. Not that there is anything weird between us. We're just friends.
But in the back of my mind, all I could think about was how good it had felt to hold his hand like that.
When we arrived, she opened the backdoor. I moved to the other side, and Kasey watched me dreamily as I walked away. My mom had to help him inside. Every one of his actions was sloppy and slow.
He plopped down in his seat around the time I made it to mine. My mom fastened his seat-belt, but he took it off seconds after she'd closed the door.
The moment we were on the road, Kasey started to scoot toward me. I'd expected him to fall asleep almost immediately, and after the first couple scoots, I'd still figured he would, that maybe he was trying to adjust himself to lie down.
But then he scooted again. And a few minutes later, again. He was looking at me now, his cheek swollen, his face red, and his lips curled up into a big smile.
Even with his face all banged up, he's still really cute....
Ugh! Noooo! Stop thinking like that! I turned away from him.
But I could hear him scooting still, nearer and nearer.
Why does he keep getting closer? When is he going to be close enou-
His hand landed on my own. My first thought was one of shock. My eyes darted toward the center-rear view mirror and my eyes met my mom's. Hers darted away, and mine did the same a moment later.
Oh God, I thought in horror. She saw....
She saw him holding my hand. She's... She's gonna find out I'm gay!
Oh God, oh God, oh God.... My heart pounded painfully against my chest, making my whole body ache. A nervous energy crawled below my fur like electricity, making the smaller furs stand on edge. My cheeks got warm, then my face, and then my whole body glowed red with warmth. Kasey, please....
I panicked. I squirmed and I bit my lip and I fought off the helpless tears rising up to my eyes, yet beyond all of that, beyond all of the fear, I couldn't stop thinking about how warm Kasey's hand was. About how comforting it's presence was. About how ironic it was that it was his body and that hand that caused my fear, but that they were the only things in the world that could make me feel better. The only things in the world I wanted.
And then he did it again.
His butt slid against the seat and his hips terminated into my own.
My body locked up. I felt his thigh against my thigh; I felt the side of his arm against my arm; I felt the presence of his face, inches away from my own, the presence of his sleepy eyes peeping at me—I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek.
Kasey.... I thought, even my thoughts out of breath with horror. You have to stop....
I couldn't even look at the rear view mirror now. I knew my mom was watching. I prayed she wasn't, but I knew she was. And if she wasn't watching, I knew she knew.
I tried to scoot away, but I was already at the edge, and what little ground I covered, Kasey matched, pressing even tighter into me.
“Mmrmm.” He groaned, rubbing his cheek against my shoulder. “Peter....”
I blushed like I'd never blushed before. My eyes darted toward the rear view out of pure instinct, and just as I'd suspected, my mom was watching. I looked away, blushing harder.
“Peter,” Kasey mumbled, his eyes closed now, his head rested against my chest. “Mmmm.” He kept snuggling closer and closer, until he was curled up on the seat, burrowing beneath my arm.
The feeling of him against me. The warmth of his body and the softness of his fur. The low, groggy murmurs of my name, the clear desire to get me to hug him back.... I'd never wanted anything more in my life. I'd never so badly wanted to put my arm around him and hold him as closely and as tightly as I could, to never let go, to let every see it.
But... my mom....
I looked up at the rear view again. She was watching me, going back and forth between the road and the spectacle in her backseat.
She knows now....
She's gonna hate me....
And she's right to hate me. I'm sick. I'm disgusting. I'm-
“I think he wants you to hold him, hon.”
I took a deep breath. There were tears in my eyes, moments from running down my cheeks. I looked back into the rear view mirror with wide eyes, but she was looking at the road again.
She sounded so... so... normal. She didn't sound mad at me, or disappointed....
She sounded like... she already knew.
I looked over at Kasey. He had a fitful expression now, and he was squirming against me, trying to get comfortable. I sat like that for several moments, before swallowing deeply and lifting my arm.
He slipped under it with the smoothness of water being poured into a glass. His arms wrapped around my back and pulled me tight, and I pulled him tight in return.
I turned toward him and rested my chin on his head, which was now across my breast, his own chin aimed toward my belly. I inhaled deep, taking in my favorite smell in the whole world.
I held Kasey for the rest of the ride and he fell asleep in my arms, and I drifted off shortly after.
When we got home, my dad opened the backdoor of the van and jostled me awake. He said nothing about the two boys cuddling in the backseat. He hadn't seemed bothered by it or mad. He wasn't aggressive when he tried to wake either of us up.
He doesn't even seem particularly... surprised.
Kasey remained in a deep sleep, so my dad lifted him up out of the van and carried him into our living room. He placed him on the couch where a pillow had already been prepared and then covered him up with a blanket.
I watched Kasey's sleeping form for awhile that night, before retiring to my room. My mom and dad left me alone with him, and neither of them questioned me about what they'd seen.
Did they think he was just 'loopy?' Maybe they thought he's the gay one? Maybe they think I'm still straight....
I swallowed again, and lost myself in Kasey's peaceful, sleeping face.
No.... They know, don't they? They know about... me. I touched him lightly on the cheek and smiled. His face was warm against my fingers. And now Kasey knows too....
I chuckled.
And now I don't have to feel so guilty when I look at his bum in those shorts....
