Professor Will Not Face Charges for Sophomoric Acts by Sneeze < Submission

Keywords silly 7491, humor 5889, comedy 4040, time 1984, satire 382, time machine 70, article 25

Professor Will Not Face Charges for Sophomoric Acts Across Time

May Fourth, Los Angeles

Professor Albert Rosen will apparently not be facing charges over what his critics call “an inconceivably stupid and catastrophically dangerous series of decisions regarding the space-time continuum.”  Professor Rosen has supposedly invented a “time machine” and has allegedly used it “to do whatever I damn well want to do,” the professor has repeatedly claimed.  Authorities from several nations have investigated Rosen’s actions, but claim tampering with the past is not a crime in the present, and as such can take no legal action against him.

Despite the outlandish nature of his claims, Rosen’s time machine paints many historical oddities and conundrums in a new light.  His earliest claim to veracity was his likeness in Leonardo da Vinci’s famous and iconic Last Supper.  Art historians have long been puzzled by the appearance of an unidentified figure on the right of the painting, a figure who appears to be “dabbing.”  For centuries, scholars have believed this figure to be Matthias or Joseph Barsabbas, reacting in shock or alarm to the news Jesus is depicting in the painting.

Rosen, however, has claimed “Nah.”

“It’s totally me in there,” the professor stated in a press conference last week, “totally dabbing.  I thought it would be fun to troll all those Da Vinci Code people.  So me and Mozart, we just hopped into the time machine, whizzed on down to the Renaissance, and got painted into The Last Supper.”

When asked what he meant by ‘Mozart,’ Rosen replied “Mozart.  The composer.  He’s a chill dude, we’ve been hanging out.”  After this announcement, the collective of journalists sighed and rubbed their foreheads in unison.  One reporter, in a beleaguered tone, asked what they’ve been doing.

“Pooping!”  the professor replied.

Music historians have long known about Mozart’s coprophilic sense of humor, most notably in personal letters, although he composed a few pieces with this bawdy humor.  It is unknown whether or not Professor Rosen could have developed this sense of humor in the composer, or merely encouraged it.  When asked about the defecating, Rosen replied with a shrug, saying “Poop is funny.”

Similar to his claims with The Last Supper, the defecatory claims Rosen has made would seem to solve other historical eccentricities.  The long-thought apocryphal claims Columbus’s first step on the New World was into feces may, in fact, be true.  The odd recounting of feces Marco Polo wrote into his Travels, and how they seemed to “guide the way” along the Silk Road, may have a more literal meaning.  Sir Edmund Hilary’s puzzling step into a fresh pile of feces at the top of Mount Everest, despite the evidence his was the only team on the mountain at the time, could finally be explained.  When asked if he was indeed responsible for these age-old mysteries, Rosen responded with a grin, and “Maybe.”

He then explained to the assembled press he wanted it noted he drew out the word in a comical and suspicious manner.

Since the press conference, historians have been up in arms about Rosen’s claims, and have demanded more oversight into his using the so-called “time machine.”

“Rosen’s claims about his actions with his machine have turned everything we know about history upside-down,” Doctor Michael Thorne says, “and it’s really annoying.  We no longer have any idea whether or not any event occurred naturally, or is the result of this man’s tampering with previously understood events.”

Reporters have asked Thorne if, since Rosen would have acted on the events in question in the past, it really changes our present history, because we have all moved forward as if that has been the way they’ve always happened.  Thorne responded with “No, that isn’t how it works.”  When pressed with questions of whether or not history is the study of the past how it happened, or if it is more speculative, Thorne said “Look, you aren’t a historian, you don’t get it.”

Responses from other sciences have been as vociferous.  Physicist Ellis Bronnikov has raised concerns about Professor Rosen’s supposed actions creating “space-time disturbances.”  “If Rosen really is going about the past and then returning,” Bronnikov states, “he could be spreading potentially devastating STDs, which might even rip the universe apart.”

Asked what he means by the ‘STDs’ Rosen’s machine could cause, Bronnikov said:  “Let’s say Rosen goes back in time, and has relations [Bronnikov’s emphasis] with Queen Elizabeth I.    She gets pregnant, and now we have a new line in the British monarchy.  Except they’re all STD’s.”

Bronnikov was asked to elaborate.  “Rosen created a genetic line that originated hundreds of years before his own birth.  This is a potentially devastating STD.  Will he now become his own ancestor?  Will the paradox wipe the universe out of existence?  We don’t know what the ramification of any STD could be.  Relative physics are being developed every single day, and the ramifications of these studies profoundly change our understanding of how the universe works.  The STDs Rosen could be spreading, if he is indeed spreading them, could be creating ripples within these poorly understood forces.  As a physicist, he should know better.”

When asked what he should know better, Bronnikov yelled to his interviewer, “Than to spread STDs!”

Professor Rosen, however, has remained unrepentant in his decisions.  “You know the first thing I did when I figured out the machine worked?  I talked to my future self.  It was really difficult, actually, I have a pretty busy schedule, I never know when I am,” Rosen said.  “But I seemed pretty happy with my decisions.  I told myself, ‘I’m going to get a lot of flak from others regarding what I’m going to do, which is to say, the things I’ve already done.  But don’t worry about it.  This is the best thing I’ve ever done, and I haven’t regretted it for a second, and so I wouldn’t let myself regret it either.   In fact, I know I haven’t, because I remember being on the other side of this conversation.  I know what I’m saying sounds incredulous to me, but believe me when I say, I love the way it turned out.’  So I took my advice to heart and have done exactly what I think I would have done if I were in my shoes.”

A bottle of aspirin was passed around the collected reporters at the press conference.   One wearily asked if Rosen had any further plans with his ‘time machine.’

Rosen responded “I’m glad you asked!  I plan on teaching myself guitar, bass, and drums.”

The reporters seemed impressed, but asked how this related to time travel.

“I’m going to teach myself guitar, bass, yada yada,” Rosen responded.  The reporters all nodded, conceding they should have realized that.  “Once I’ve gotten pretty good, I’m going to sign up to play Woodstock.  It’ll be a ‘one-man show,’ if you know what I mean.”  Rosen winked at the end of the sentence, and demanded it be mentioned in the reporting.  “I’ll be on guitars, and I’ll be on bass, and we’ll have Mozart on the keys!  He’s really down with rock n’ roll, really into it.  It should be awesome!  I mean, we have all the time we’ll need to practice.”

The assembled reporters all seemed to be too tired to ask any further questions, though one managed to ask what songs he was considering, to the derision of his compatriots.

“Haven’t decided yet, but we, meaning I, will probably do ‘Wonderwall.’”

The reporters all groaned.  Ellis Bronnikov has derided this as an obvious STD to be avoided, while Michael Thorne commented “I love ‘Wonderwall.’”

The same reporter who asked about the set list asked if he should play the song, written and recorded in the nineties, some twenty-five years before it was created, and what possible repercussions this could have.  Rosen responded “I don’t think it’ll matter that much.  Woodstock was a trip man.  This’ll be, like, my third time going.  Glad to finally take part in it!”

Regardless of all the uproar over Rosen’s claims, authorities have remained silent.  Isaac Macht, on behalf of INTERPOL, has stated “INTERPOL takes international law very seriously, and while many scientists have raised concerns considering Professor Rosen’s actions, the fact he has been committing these activities across time is just really really confusing and no one here feels like dealing with it.  Also, we aren’t even sure he’s committing crimes, as hanging out with people and getting them to paint you is by no means illegal.”

When asked if Rosen’s defecation isn’t technically illegal, Macht said “I mean, yeah, I guess so, but it varies by region and is more of a misdemeanor anyway.  We just don’t feel like doing anything about it.”

So, while Rosen and his “time machine” may have the ability to tear the universe asunder, no one seems willing to stop him.  Professor Rosen seems pleased about this, attested by the fact at the conclusion of the press conference, a large crowd of Albert Rosens burst into thunderous applause.

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