Confidence
Written by Hooligan, edited by Rasile
[Shipping - F/F] [Sad] [Semi-Mature - Fetish]
Part 1 - Sickness
“R-rarity, I, um…there’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you for a long time, and I know it’s not easy to say, but, um…I-I thought maybe I should just be b-brave for once, and, a-and, um, I-I…I love you.”
The yellow pegasus staring back at me blushed and hid behind her voluminous, pink mane, hiding her from my view. I just couldn’t say it, even to myself. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to be so shy all the time, even around my closest friends? Why couldn’t I be more assertive like Applejack or Rainbow Dash? I turned from the mirror and silently cursed my constantly weak resolve, even if that didn't fix anything. Flopping onto my bed with a quiet but frustrated sigh, I stared up at the sunset-washed ceiling.
Rarity...The most wonderful fashion designer in all of Equestria. For years I had been harboring feelings for the pale unicorn, unable to say anything to her, even while we did practically everything together. Despite her being my closest friend, I couldn’t possibly say something like, like, like that to her. I mean, what were the odds she’d like me back? What if she didn't? What would she say to me, think of me? W-what if she hated me?! And even if she did at least tolerate me after that, I knew things couldn’t be the same: she’d be cold, distant, always feeling uneasy around me…And several times she had made known her interest in stallions; there was no way she could be a “fillyfooler” like me.
Fillyfooler. Even just thinking of the word made it sting. As a young filly I had been called that hateful term just because I hung out with Rainbow Dash and looked to her for protection. So what if she was athletic and always standing up for me? That didn’t make us lovers! She was always just a friend; we weren’t even old enough for anything else. No, I never saw Rainbow as anything more than a friend; if anything, she was like a big sister to me. I doubted she even liked other mares anyway.
I sighed again, returning to my previous thoughts. Worse yet, confessing my love to the stylish unicorn wouldn’t even be the hardest part. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I liked other mares, fate had decided to give me an obsession with...um…
No use being shy in my own soliloquy, I guess...
...with diapers as well. For some reason, I would just...there was just this...I'd—I'd always get excited over the thought of wearing them, even though I haven't needed them since I was a very young filly. And...and I even liked the idea of using them, or of someone else (like a cute mare like Rarity) doing so, as odd as it sounds.
...How could anypony like a freak like that?! If any of my friends found out, they’d never look at me the same way again! It was already weird enough that I liked other mares…but to add this to it? I’d be a social outcast if anyone knew either secret, let alone both. Even if by some miracle Rarity returned my feelings, I simply couldn’t count on her to share my bizarre interest, not in a million years...
I shut my eyes as they misted over and my stomach's contents felt just like my cutie mark. What was I? Timid. Weak. Perverted. “I wouldn't blame you for not liking me, Rarity,” I said softly to myself, “I’m just a shy, f-filly-fooling, messed-up p-p-pervert!”
A little while later I woke up to a dark room, hazily asking myself what time it was. Quickly looking over to the clock, I was relieved to see only a couple of hours had passed. The relief quickly faded, however, when I realized that I had completely missed preparing dinner for all of my animals.
“Oh my goodness!” I leapt off my bed with a flap of my wings and landed, quickly trotting down the stairs. I stopped, however, when I heard a noise coming from the main floor.
Clump clump clump
This wasn’t the usual scurrying the small animals dwelling in my house usually made; this sounded like something else, like a heavier creature was moving around downstairs. I shrank back to the wall in fear, swiveling my ears to listen better.
Clop clop clop
That definitely sounded like hoofsteps…like somepony was breaking into my house, or worse! As quietly as I could I scrambled back up the stairs and retreated into my room, cowering under the covers of my bed.
“Please go away, please go away,” I silently said to myself, “Please just go away. I don’t have anything except for my animal friends-“
My eyes popped open. What the hay was I doing? The creatures I cared for were in danger down there, and here I was hiding under my covers like a foal! Timid or not, I had a duty! I threw off the sheets and landed on all four hoofs with a thud. Anger swelled in me as I marched down the stairs to the main floor. Who did this intruder think he was, barging into my home and trying to steal my things? What right did he have to hurt my animal companions? I’d teach him to mess with my friends!
I jumped to the ground floor and yelled, “Who do you think you are?!”
Even in the dark, the intruder's bright, cheery pink coat shown out vividly. The pink pony quickly turned to look at me, her curly magenta mane bobbing. “Oh hi, Fluttershy!” she bubbled enthusiastically. She then tilted her head. “Is something wrong?”
Recognizing my friend, I immediately shrank back. “Oh, it’s um…it’s you, Pinkie Pie,” I stuttered, “I’m sorry; I thought you were a burglar or something.”
The earth pony looked at me confusedly, “Why would I be a burglar? I wouldn’t steal somepony else’s stuff.”
“No, I-I mean I didn’t know it was you.”
“Oh, okay! Well, it was me, so you don’t have to worry about a thing!”
I shifted my eyes back and forth. “Um…why did you come here?”
“Me? Oh, uh…” Pinkie screwed up her face in concentration, looking like she was trying to remember something. Finally, she shrugged. “I dunno. Sorry, I forgot what it was.”
“Oh, well, um…I’m sorry to hear that. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll remember soon.” I forced a smile. Truth be told, I wasn’t in the mood for company at the moment. However, I didn’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings; I did, after all, represent the Element of Kindness. Thankfully, it didn’t take much for her to leave.
“Yeah, I’ll probably remember in the morning. See you tomorrow, Fluttershy!” With that she bounced through the doorway and into the cool night air.
With a heavy sigh I closed the door behind the perky pony. I should have been happy or relieved to see my friend, but instead I felt like I was about to cry. I knew the reason why I was able to face the nonexistent burglar. Sure, I was scared for my animal companions, but that’s all I was: scared. Even with the thought of my friends getting hurt, I would not have been able to stand up to anypony.
No, the reason why I was so angry, the reason I was able to get up and confront the potential danger downstairs, was I was mad at myself. I was angry with my cowardly self for being such a baby, for running at the first sign of conflict. Even with somepony downstairs threatening the safety of my charges, all I could do was hide in my bed and hope the big, bad monster would go away, like I was some stupid foal.
A grim smile crossed my face. Fitting, for somepony who likes diapers.
* * *
The next day found me practicing my sewing idly. I was feeling better than I had been the previous night, but I still wasn’t completely myself. After pricking the inside of my hoof for what felt like the thousandth time that morning, I spat out the thread and needle I was holding, and threw the dress I was working on down in frustration. This wasn't my forte; that was Rar—no, she was the last thing I needed to think of. This wasn’t helping at all. I needed to relax, to get out and do something–anything—to take my mind off all my recent stress.
My head snapped up. “That’s it!” I said out loud to myself, “I could go to the spa! Visiting Lotus and Aloe’s spa always makes me feel better…Even if I just did go there with Rarity yesterday…” My head sank. Neither I nor she would be able to afford another trip to the spa that week, even if we did want to go again so soon.
“But…I need the stress relief…” My gaze slowly wandered to the bottom drawer of my dresser, underneath which I guiltily hid my, ahem, diapers. Admittedly, another way I’d often reduce tension would be to indulge my fetish…
“No!” I yelled at myself, feeling all of the anger and shame from last night return. This was why I was feeling bad to begin with—well, it was one of the reasons, anyway. I felt like such a freak for even considering the option. I should never have bought the wretched things. Why did I have to like something so strange and stupid? Why did I have to be in love with my best friend? And why did I have to be such a coward all the time?
I stood up suddenly. I needed a walk. Now.
Once outside I took in the warming morning air, trying to forget all about my current troubles. The fresh scent of my nearby spice garden filled my nose, instantly soothing me a bit and momentarily clearing my head. I decided today might not be such a bad day after all, and headed toward town.
I wandered aimlessly about town and just walked for the sake of walking. I passed Sugar Cube Corner, thinking of getting a bite to eat, when suddenly I found a mass of pink and more pink popping up in my face.
“Eek!” I recoiled instinctively, then cursed myself for once again letting my first reaction to something be fear, even if I couldn't help it.
“Heya, Fluttershy!” Pinkie Pie said as she hopped around in front of me, “Guess what? I remembered what I wanted to tell you yesterday!~”
“Oh? What is it?” I asked cautiously.
“Rarity told me to tell you that she invited you to a sleepover!” the energetic pink pony shouted excitedly. “I can’t believe I forgot to tell you something like that! You'd think she'd just mail you a letter! I mean, after all, you ARE the only pony she invited, and…”
“Th-the only pony she invited?” I near-silently parroted.
“…and I was so sad when I learned I couldn’t go, but then she said this one was just for her and her best friend and was gonna be extra-super-special, and we’d all have a big one with everypony later, and…”
“Just…the two of us…?” I sputtered meekly while the pink pony droned on.
“…and marshmallows, and snow cones, and maybe even Moon Pies! But I guess we’d need Princess Luna for that. Ooh, ooh maybe we can invite—”
“Pinkie Pie!” I shouted, immediately backing down when I saw I caught her attention. “Oh, I’m so sorry… b-but anyway…I’m the only pony she invited?”
Pinkie nodded, “Uh-huh! She said she wanted a sleepover with her best friend! I tried to tell her that I could turn it into a super duper party, but…”
My attention to Pinkie waned as I absorbed the news. Rarity was having a sleepover with just me? How wonderful! When I had heard that she had been to one with Applejack and Twilight Sparkle, I was so disappointed that I couldn’t have gone. I mean, it wasn’t like the sleepover was planned, as Applejack and Rarity were only trying to get out of a storm, but still…
“…I’m sure you’ll have an awesome super-fun-fabulouriffic time! You ARE going, right?”
I looked back to Pinkie. “O-of course! A sleepover with Rarity sounds fun. When is it?”
“It’s tomorrow! You should start packing for it. Ooh, you should totally bring some treats, like—”
Suddenly, an older blue mare popped her head through the doorway of Sugar Cube Corner. “Uh, Pinkie Pie? Could you please come back inside? We still have several orders to fill.”
“No problemo, Mrs. C.!” responded my friend. She then turned to me before heading off, “Well, I’ll see ya later, Fluttershy!”
“Bye,” I replied softly. Now that I was alone again, I had a chance to think straight. Rarity was having a sleepover! And I was the only guest! This was starting to sound like my dream night: an evening with my best friend, the pony I had a crush on. Was this a date…? No, I shouldn’t get my hopes up! This was surely a simple evening with two best friends…oh, but still, who knew? Maybe I’d be able to kiss her through a game like “spin the bottle” or “truth or dare.” I blushed and chided myself at the notion, quickly clearing it from my head. I shouldn’t continue that train of thought…
I decided I’d go visit my best friend immediately and see when exactly I should be over, and what I should bring.
* * *
The door to the Carousel Boutique jingled as I stepped inside. I could hear activity towards the back of the store, hoofsteps getting louder as they approached.
“Welcome to the Carousel B—Fluttershy! What a pleasant surprise. To what do I owe the honor of this visit?” The white, indigo-maned unicorn looked up at me, her red sewing glasses perched on her nose.
With her expertly-groomed mane and tail, her practically shining coat, her blue diamond eyes…Rarity looked so cute! I know she would rather be called beautiful, but there really isn’t any other way for me to describe her but cute. Adding the red glasses to the look, the only thing she needed to complete it was a white, fluffy, thick diaper; then she’d—No! I was so sick of sick thoughts like that! I wasn’t going to think of my friend like this! Especially not right in front of her…
“…Fluttershy, are you okay?” Rarity tilted her head and looked at me curiously, blinking.
I shook my head. “Oh, I’m—I’m fine. Actually, I came here to ask about your sleepover. Pinkie Pie told me it was tomorrow, but she didn’t say what time it was.”
The unicorn suddenly looked downcast, ears drooping. “Oh, about that…”
My heart sank. This couldn’t be good.
“Sweetie Bellee’s come down with a nasty flu, and our parents are out of town. Poor thing has been having stomach problems all day; I’ve had my hooves so full that it’s a miracle I’ve been able to even keep the shop open. I’m dreadfully sorry, but I’m afraid the sleepover will have to wait for another day.”
Even though I was sad and disappointed that the sleepover was cancelled, my first feeling was thankfully concern for Rarity’s sister. “Oh my, that’s just awful! Is there any way I can help?” I asked, ignoring my knotting stomach and returning anxiety.
“Oh, darling, it’s so sweet of you to offer, but I think I’ll manage. I simply couldn’t forgive myself if you caught what Sweetie has. Besides, caring for a sick filly…it’s a disgusting job, and I’d rather not put you through it. Anyway, the little darling is asleep at the moment, thankfully, giving me some time to catch up on my tasks.”
“Well, o-okay. I’ve cared for sick animals plenty of times, but if you have everything under control…” I looked up at her. “When—when do you think we’ll be able to have the sleepover?”
“Oh, I know how much you must have been looking forward to our little get-together, darling. I just don’t know how long this illness is going to last. Hopefully it will subside soon, but until then we’re just going to have to wait.” The unicorn smiled sadly at me.
“Oh, okay…” I turned to go, “I hope Sweetie Belle feels better soon…”
“Thank you, I’ll tell her you said that.”
I left the shop feeling more frustrated than ever. Almost as soon as I had learned about a private slumber party with the love of my life, I found out it was cancelled. Not only did I feel upset the sleepover wasn’t happening anytime soon, but also I was worried for Rarity and her sick sister.
I also felt…anger? Envy? Was I actually mad at Sweetie Belle for being sick, and causing my best friend to cancel our activity together so she could care for her? The thought sickened me in return, and I immediately pushed it out of my head. I could never hate someone, especially not for something they couldn’t control. Hate was such a powerful word...
Now I felt just awful. I hated myself for having such thoughts, even for a moment. I felt stressed again…I seemed to be feeling that way a lot lately.
I arrived at my house and glumly shuffled through the front door, ignoring the squawks and squeaks of the various animals residing in my living room. I just wanted to be alone…I slowly headed up the steps to my room, thanking Celestia that Angel Bunny didn’t seem to be around at the moment. I jumped onto my bed and yelled into my pillow, letting all of my pent-up emotions spill out of me.
Except, they didn’t. Never one for raising my voice, all I could let out was a tiny squeak, which didn’t help me at all. I was so pathetic, I couldn’t even scream properly.
I needed relief from all this tension…some kind of release…My mind drifted back to my dresser, and the objects hidden beneath it. Desperate for something, anything, I quashed my humiliation and got up. Going over to the dresser, I removed the bottom drawer and pulled out one of the diapers underneath before replacing it.
I looked the garment over: it was a white slip-on style diaper—made for bedwetting, I think—with pink sides and trimmings. It had a cloth-like outside, and cute, pink butterfly designs, reminding me a bit of my cutie mark. Without too much trouble I slipped the thing on: it snugly hugged my bottom, feeling soft and fluffy, almost comforting—even with the extreme nervousness I felt right now.
I spread my legs apart and squatted slightly. Biting my lip, I gave a slight push. After a second I could feel my bladder emptying and my privates growing warm and wet as a faint hissing sounded in the quiet room. Looking down, I could see the front and bottom of my diaper slowly gaining a slight yellow tint and sagging as it became heavier and puffier; I blushed not only at the sight, but also at the relative ease at which I had made it.
After a little bit my bladder was quite empty. However, my legs were shaking by now. Sh-sh-Should I do it? Should I finish the job? Steeling my nerve and throwing caution to the wind before it could get the better of me, I squatted and clenched my stomach, grunting as I pushed harder. Not long after that I felt a shifting in my gut, and suddenly the back of my diaper grew heavier as I quickly filled it with what had been soft horse apples. Soon I felt the warm mess pressing against my bottom lightly as it completely filled the back of the garment.
After I finished, I sighed and sat down on the bedroom floor with a smoosh of my full diaper. I smiled. This felt really good…it was warm, wet, squishy…I imagined Rarity in a similar state, wearing an obviously used plastic disposable, smiling and winking at me as she coyly shook her cute rump…I let my wings unfold as I placed a hoof against the wet, squishy padding in front of my crotch and pressed, idly rubbing…
What was I doing?!
I felt disgusted. Shameful. Dirty. Why was I doing this? Once again I was sitting in my own waste, thinking dirty thoughts of my best friend. Not only that, but I was resentful towards her sister for being sick and delaying our time together, as if it was her fault.
I hated myself for having these feelings. For being weak and timid…for feeling so selfish…for liking other mares…for doing something so…so filthy…
I sat in the mess and just cried. Sweetie Belle wasn’t the one that was sick.
I was.
To be continued…
