Another normal day at the Nori Corps Invisible Castle Headquarters™. Inside his Head Office, Norithics Kusemurai sat with his feet up on his desk, looking like the picture of laziness. He was leaning back in his enormous black villain office chair, and was currently on his computer, casually Googling “how to outwit lolicops”. The raccoon was having a nice, relaxed time, when all of a sudden, the office door opened to reveal a minty-green bangaa standing in the doorway.
“Boss!”
Nori regarded him lazily with one amber eye. “What, Carmine?”
“Trouble downstairs!” said Carmine, stepping into the office and closing the door behind him.
Nori sighed a long and girly sigh. “Ffffuck, what sort of trouble is it this time?”
“One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle!” said Carmine. Strangely, he said this piece of information very fast indeed, in a very Yorkshire accent.
Nori stared at the reptile, completely nonplussed. “What?”
“One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle!” repeated Carmine at the same speed and in the same accent.
“Is that even in English?” Nori asked, puzzled, unaware that Carmine’s strange accent was very, very English.
“One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle!” said Carmine, enunciating every word slowly.
“But what the fuck does that mean?” said Nori, imitating Carmine’s enunciation.
“Well I don’t fucking know!” exclaimed Carmine, throwing his hands up in exasperation, whilst reverting back to his normal voice. “Viss just told me to come up here and tell you that there was trouble downstairs, that’s all! I wasn’t expecting a kind of… of…”
The bangaa spluttered a little, trying to find an adequate phrase to compare his annoyance to.
“… Scottish Inquisition!”
At once, the doors that Carmine had closed behind him burst open, and four figures rushed into the room. Carmine sprang to the side and looked on in surprise at the spectacle. Nori, meanwhile, reflexively toppled back in surprise with a startled “OHGODWHATTHEFUCK!” and promptly clattered to the floor.
KG, Miles Kjeller, Snap and Sticks were the four intruders, and all of them were clad in deep blue robes and hats. They also had ridiculous stick-on curly moustaches (which looked the most preposterous on the serpentine KG). The foremost of them, KG, folded his arms in triumph and said loudly: “NAEBODY EXPECTS THE SCOTTISH INQUISITION!”
He paused here to give Nori a second or two to pick himself up off the floor and into his chair before continuing:
“Our chief weapon is our accents!... our accents and our whisky… whisky and accents… Our two weapons are accents and whisky... and deep-fried Mars Bars! Our three weapons are accents, and whisky, and deep-fried Mars Bars... and an almost fanatical devotion to Billy Connolly... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as accents, whisk... Fuck it, we'll come in again.”
As quickly as they had entered, the four deep blue Caledonians all scarpered back out the door, and Sticks closed it behind them. With an expression that clearly read “What the actual fuck?”, Carmine looked over at Nori. Nori barely had time to shrug, however, before:
“NAEBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: accents, whisky, deep-fried Mars Bars, an almost fanatical devotion to Billy Connolly, and these top quality blue uniforms - Oh cock!”
The python had messed up his lines, and in his annoyance he stamped his foot on the ground and threw up his arms into the air.
“I can’t do it!” he said, turning to Snap. “You’ll have to do it!”
“What?!” The ferret looked back at KG, startled.
“The bit about our chief weapons an’ that…”
“But…” Snap looked quite horrified now. “But I couldn’t do that!”
“Look, come on and I’ll read ye the lines out here…” Once again, KG bundled the rest of the inquisition out through the double doors. He stopped before he himself exited, and turned to Nori and Carmine. Smiling apologetically, he said:
“Sorry about this, lads. We’ll get to the torturing once we get the lines right, OK?”
As the python exited, Nori looked over at Carmine.
“Why does this keep happening to us?”
