[Five men sitting around a table playing cards. Note: Because it is a conversation, there are some things said at the same time as others or some things more audible than others. I've tried to notate these things with "quiet".]
Howard: Okay, uh, I'll uh see your five. . .and raise ya five!
James: I ante, and I fold.
Gilbert: Okay. I'll see your ten and raise you five.
Richard: So, it's fifteen to me?
Gilbert: Yup.
Francis: Yeah.
Richard: Okay, I'll see the fifteen and I'll raise five.
Gilbert: Ooo-kay.
Francis: Okay, I'll see the twenty and I'll raise twenty.
All: Ooo.
James: Huh-ha.
Howard: Okay, I'll fold.
James: Huh-ha.
Gilbert: I'll fold.
James: Ha! Uh, I'm still folded.
[Richard and Francis locked in stare; Francis looks down.]
Richard: Yeah. I'll see your twenty and call.
James: Ha ha ha ha.
[Francis throws down cards for all to see.]
Howard: Ha ha! I knew it, high card ten.
[All laugh.]
Gilbert: Unbelievable.
James: That's it?
Howard: You're the worst bluffer in the history of poker--
Francis: Well, now that we all know that I'm a bad bluffer--
Howard: My grandmother could tell that you were bluffing! --
Francis: Well, why don't we shut up then? Why don't we just shut up? Okay, everyone knows I can't bluff--
Richard: Read 'em and weep.
Francis: [to himself] I wish I could weep.
Richard: My deal? [shuffles] So, you in or out of this one? I want more of your money.
Francis: Just give me a minute.
Richard: C'mon, you in or out?
Francis: Just give me a minute.
Richard: Are you in or out?
Francis: Would you just give me a minute?!
Richard: What's wrong with you? Having your period?
[All laugh; Howard more audibly than the others.]
Francis: What if I was, huh?
Richard: Do you want to step outside?
Francis: No, I just want to have a period, that's all. Just one a month; okay?
James: [quiet] C'mon guys.
Gilbert: Why?
Howard: Might help a guy organize his time.
Francis: Yeah. Each month I feel my body become fertile and I'd say, "No, I choose not to have a baby. Oh, rent's due."
Richard: Well, that'd be uh. . .That'd be pretty ridiculous, you know, because I hear menopause is ugly.
Francis: [sarcastically] Oh?
Richard: Yeah.
Gilbert: Really?
Richard: Yes.
Gilbert: I heard it's great.
Richard: What?
Gilbert: Yeah, I hear it's like taking ecstasy and a rocket ship ride all rolled into one.
Richard: [quiet] That's not what I heard.
Howard: [quiet] I heard you don't know what you're talking about.
Francis: [over rest] Well, we will never know, will we.
Howard: Deal. . .
[Richard deals.]
James: I, uh, ran into Arlene the other day.
Howard: [unenthusiastically] Oh yeah, Arlene.
Richard: Which one's Arlene again?
Gilbert: Yeah, you know, the one with the big tits.
Richard: Oh, right. I wish my girlfriend had tits like that.
Francis: [quiet] Oh, come on.
James: I wish I had tits like that. . .breasts like that.
Gilbert: Um. Why?
James: I don't know, to give milk or what not. Nurture another living thing. I don't know, lots of reasons.
Francis: Yeah, I understand. I understand.
Richard: Yeah, well I'll tell you this--you'd get in a lot of trouble if your foreman caught you breast-feeding on the loading dock.
Gilbert: Huh, huh, huh, huh.
James: Well, then I'd just have to get a job in a more enlightened warehouse.
Francis: Yeah. You don't need them.
James: No, I wouldn't.
Howard: You know Arlene's having a baby.
Gilbert: Yeah?
James: Oh yeah; that's right. She says it's a boy. No ultrasound. She just knows.
Howard: [quiet] Really? That's so cool.
Francis: Wow. That's amazing.
Gilbert: God, I'd like to have a baby.
Richard: Heh! What would you want a baby for?
Gilbert: I'm bored.
Francis: Oh. . .c'mon.
Howard: Good reason!
Francis: You would be such a rotten mother. You would be such a rotten, rotten mother.
Gilbert: I would not!
Francis: You would be a horrible mother! Do you want to know who would be a good mother?
Gilbert: [quiet] Yeah, who?
James: I would be a good mother.
Gilbert: [quiet] Bull.
Francis: Nooo. . .you would make a great wet nurse. Howard would make a great mother.
Gilbert: Howard?
Francis: Yeah, Howard.
Gilbert: Why Howard?
Francis: Well, think about it.
Howard: I'm nurturing. I still have that rubber tree plant from college.
James: You're kidding! That thing was like [illustrates with fingers small size] like this big when you got it.
Francis: And how big is it now?
Howard: 6'2"!
Rest: Wow.
James: I just wouldn't have the patience.
Howard: You need patience.
Richard: I guess we all want to be women, huh?
Gilbert: Is that womyn with a "Y"?
Francis: Oh! Do you have to ask?
James: [quiet] Jeez.
Richard: Oh, wait, wait! Oh, sorry. I forgot to call wild. Hold on. What do you want wild?
James: Uh.
Richard: Put your cards down.
James: Twos.
Howard: Oh. Threes, fives, sevens.
Francis: Eights and tens!
Gilbert: Um, face cards.
Richard: Okay, everything's wild. I'll play you for the ante. What do ya got?
Howard: [lays down cards] Five aces.
James: [lays down cards. Proud.] Five aces.
Gilbert: [lays down cards] Five aces.
Richard: [lays down cards] Five aces.
Francis: I got nothin'. [throws cards down, face down to center of table.]
Gilbert: What do you mean?
Howard: You can't have nothing.
Francis: I got nothin'.
Howard: Everything's wild!
Francis: Well, I got nothing.
Richard: [looking at Francis's hand.] No. He's right. He's got nothin'. [Shows cards to rest.]
James: What a hand!
Howard: You are the worst poker player in the history of poker.
END
