PAPYRUS & UNDYNE: ALPHYS' INSIDE STORY
It was a peaceful afternoon in the Underground. The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, and the lava was boiling, which brings us straight to where our story begins; why, right outside the front door to Alphys' laboratory in Hotland, of course!
"MEDICAL EMERGENCY! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!" Papyrus yelled at the top of his lungs, bursting right out of said front door while Undyne followed along behind him with the sickly green, barely conscious Alphys scooped up tightly into her arms!
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PAPYRUS, I ALREADY FREAKING KNOW THAT THERE'S A DAMNED MEDICAL EMERGENCY GOING ON HERE! JUST STOP YELLING ALREADY, WOULD YOU PLEASE?! YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE THE NEIGHBORS!" Undyne ranted irritatedly at him, rolling her eyes and letting out a loud sigh as the two of them took a right turn and filed themselves neatly together into the nearest local elevator.
"WHAT neighbors?" Papyrus laughed heartily, clutching his sides as the two of them took the elevator all the way up to the very top floor of the area and charged right through Muffet's lair.
"WHOOPS, uh, sorry, uh, pardon me, uh, didn't see you there, heh!" Undyne chuckled, blushing regretfully as she sprinted over Muffet's incredibly massive bridge of webbing, accidentally stepping on numerous spiders along the way.
"Oh, don't worry about your babies, you silly little goose, you can always just make new ones! Trust me, I know how it is with you!" Papyrus laughed as he ran right past Muffet (who, of course, was naturally glaring very evilly at both him and his accomplice) without a care in the world.
"LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY! COMING THROUGH! COMING THROUGH! OUT OF THE WAY! I REPEAT, OUT OF THE WAY, EVERYONE!" Undyne yelled as her and Papyrus busted right through the glass front door to the MTT Resort and pushed their way through the crowded lobby.
"HEY, you're going to have to PAY for that, you know!" Box Mettaton shook his fist and yelled at them, accidentally rolling straight into the very same huge puddle of water that his own ridiculously narcissistic pissing statue of himself was perpetually leaving on the floor.
"WAAAUGH!" Box Mettaton screamed as his wheel slipped, sending him toppling head-over-wheels onto the tiled floor. "AND THIS, TOO..." he groaned, waving his finger up in the air meekly as Undyne and Papyrus went into the Core and took its main elevator up into New Home.
"TORIEL, WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?! WE REALLY NEED YOUR HELP HERE!" Undyne and Papyrus yelled at the tops of their lungs to get Toriel's attention as they rambunctiously barged right into her house, glancing frantically around themselves in an exuberant fit of panic.
"Relax, relax, I'm right here for crying out loud! Goodness gracious me, what seems to be the problem here? And also, pardon my asking, but who's that you're holding in your arms?" Toriel reassured them and politely asked Undyne, pointing at what was very clearly and unmistakably Alphys.
"Oh, I dunno, it's the frickin' Snowdin Librarian, who else could it possibly be?" Undyne groaned sarcastically, rolling her eyes as Papyrus did exactly the same and then proceeded to high-five her.
"Hmm...that almost could have fooled ME, to be perfectly honest with you!" Toriel laughed, grabbing Alphys and carrying her over to the master bedroom, where she gently laid her down on the incredibly comfy queen-size bed and then proceeded to aimlessly rummage around in the closet for medical supplies...or, to be more precise, medical CLOTHING and whatnot.
"So, uhh...what do you think happened to her to make her so incredibly green around the gills, no pun intended, I swear?" Undyne asked her with a rather nervous toothy grin, blushing a little.
"Well, from what I can gather, it would seem that her body has been invaded by some kind of, err...evil, uhh...spirit or, errm...something like that, I guess?" Papyrus stammered awkwardly, shrugging in acknowledgement of the fact that he clearly had no idea what he was talking about. Neither did Undyne, for that matter, making this whole scenario in general incredibly unsettling.
"Oh, COME ON, that's a complete and utter load of rotten bull-malarkey without ANY hypothetical evidence to back it up and you frickin' know it, ya goof!" Undyne laughed, patting Papyrus on the head in admiration of just how much of a clueless dork he really was at times.
"Um, actually, this might come as a bit of a shock to you, but it turns out that this is actually one of those rare cases where Papyrus ISN'T so clueless after all!" Toriel gasped in surprise as she looked through her x-ray scanner and found an actual legit evil spirit dwelling within Alphys!
"Hmm, looks like a black phantasmal shadow with glowing red eyes and a soul-piercingly creepy smile...gosh, I sure do wonder who it could be?" Papyrus wondered in an amazingly non-sarcastic manner, scratching his head and putting his hand on his chin puzzledly.
"Indeed, it appears to be none other than the astral projection of Chara themselves! Worst of all, it looks like they're even beginning to MULTIPLY and spread like a disease! Looks like you two are going to have to manually enter her body and get rid of these things yourself!" Toriel exclaimed, reaching into the closet and pulling out a shrink ray and a pair of quarantine suits.
"Um, pardon my asking, but do we really HAVE to wear these freaking ridiculous astronaut suits?" Papyrus groaned as he pulled himself into the surprisingly comfortable suit and pulled its signature gloves over the ones that he was already wearing. Yes, for those of you who happen to be curious, he was still wearing his own signature boots underneath the suit's already-rather-thick leggings. Believe it or not, so was Undyne, shocking as it may seem.
"All right, time for some Jeopardy, pal!" Undyne snickered at Papyrus, wrapping her arm around him lovingly. "This question's worth three hundred solid bucks, so listen carefully! If we were in a cartoon right now, which I guess we kind of already basically are to begin with, what type of heavily trope-based episode would you call this?" she chuckled smugly, winking at him and nudging him with her shoulder.
"Umm...what is a fantastic voyage?" Papyrus asked curiously, as he had legitimately thought for an embarrassingly long time that it was actually supposed to be the term for outer-space episodes.
"That's EXACTLY what we're doing right now, bucko! You're right on the money, pal!" Undyne laughed, patting Papyrus on the back so hard that he accidentally coughed up one of his teeth.
"Alright, guys, you ready?" Toriel politely asked the two of them as she grabbed an already rather suspiciously nondescript glass of water off of her bedside table, used the shrink ray to reduce the both of them to basically microscopic size, then finally dropped them into the glass.
"Ughhh, my stomach hurts so very, very much...I really, really need to throw up, like, right now..." Alphys woke up and groaned, almost halfway feeling like she was literally about to puke as Toriel approached her with glass of biblically purified water in hand.
"Don't fret, darling, because I've got some nice, refreshing water right here for you! Drink up, sweetheart!" Toriel giggled sheepishly as she reluctantly handed the glass to poor sick Alphys, who then proceeded to immediately pour it right down her throat without even a second thought.
"Ahh, that WAS refreshing!" Alphys sighed happily in relief. "But...umm...be honest with me here...what, or better yet, WHO did you just secretly sprinkle into it while I wasn't looking?"
"Um...well..." Toriel blushed nervously, crossing her legs sassily, crossing her arms behind her back and preparing herself for what she was about to tell the poor girl while Undyne and Papyrus tumbled down her gullet and landed right in her stomach with a huge acidic SPLASH!
"WHAT?!" Alphys shrieked and gasped in helpless terror, putting her hands over her mouth and shaking her head in denial. "NO WAY, THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT THIS COULD-"
"I'm sorry I had to tell you, but it's true." Toriel sighed, gently stroking her head and petting her.
"So basically, what you're trying to tell me right now is that you just put Undyne and Papyrus, both of which barely even know anything about how delicate and complex my internal organs actually are, let alone have medical licenses, INSIDE MY FREAKING BODY?!" Alphys screamed in horror. "Toriel, this is nothing short of absolute freaking surgical SUICIDE and you know it!"
"Well, if it makes you feel any better, I suppose I could tell you that their quarantine suits give them the ability to magically fly around in there like superheroes!" Toriel giggled and blushed adorably, gently scratching Alphys' lizard quills while the poor thing buried her head in her pillow and screamed in horror, very seriously fearing for her own life at the moment.
Meanwhile in Alphys' aching stomach, a rather unsettlingly large group of Chara-ghosts was busy producing all manner of worthless, cancerous garbage and throwing it into massive, disgusting, rotten, stinking piles that already stretched so high up that they were almost touching the roof.
"So THAT'S what's going on here...the poor bastard literally has freaking UNDERTALE cancer!" Undyne gasped in sudden realization, floating gracefully in midair as she gripped her energy spear in anger and glanced over at Papyrus, who was busy, uhh...playing in the pool? Of stomach acid, no less?
"Um...Papyrus, what in the actual hell are you doing right now?" Undyne sighed, facepalming herself and blushing from the intense second-hand-embarrassment of what Papyrus was doing at the moment.
"Come on in, Undyne, the water's FINE!" Papyrus laughed joyfully at his own corny rhyming joke as he swam around flamboyantly in Alphys' digestive fluids and gaily lathered them all over his thankfully nigh-indestructible suit with glee, eagerly beckoning Undyne to join him.
"Papyrus, for sh#%'s sake, we're trying to freaking ELIMINATE the cringe-inducing, fetishistic cancer that's being produced in here, not playfully and ironically create even MORE of it!" Undyne sneered angrily at Papyrus, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up out of the acid.
"NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" Undyne yelled irritatedly at Papyrus, putting her arm over his shoulder and showing them how high the trash piles were stacked now, to the point that they were now literally overflowing and would soon ending up filling Alphys' entire stomach if the two of them didn't find a way to get rid of it within the next minute or so.
"Hey, uh, Undyne...can you name something that makes people's stomachs feel good?" Papyrus asked Undyne, scratching his head embarrassedly as he rummaged through his suit's infinite hammerspace item-storage pocket, searching eagerly for something that could work.
"OOH, I KNOW! HOW ABOUT SOME GOOD OLD DIETARY WHEAT FIBER FOR GOOD MEASURE?" Undyne laughed maniacally, reaching into her hammerspace, pulling out a massive, heaping bag of fiber and mercilessly pouring the entire remaining half of its contents into Alphys' digestive pool while her stomach began churning and cramping in agony.
"Alphys, are you right? Do you need some green tea to help your stomach calm down a bit?" Toriel politely asked Alphys, setting a nice hot cup of said drink onto the bedside table just in case while Alphys cried and whimpered in unbearable stomach pain, clutching her chest tightly.
"Um...I take it that's a no?" Toriel sighed, sipping her tea and watching as Alphys struggled not to start writhing on the bed like a tortured animal from just how much her stomach was hurting her at the moment. "Well, okay then, just make sure not to move around too much, alright?"
"Hmm, yes, this does look rather promising, albeit not exactly pretty!" Papyrus laughed, reaching sassily into his hammerspace. "However, I feel like it's missing just ONE little thing!"
"BEHOLD! Papyrus' world-class recipe for ABSOLUTE DISASTER!" Papyrus chortled smugly as he pulled out a huge bottle of baking soda as well as an equally huge bottle of prune juice.
"BOMBS AWAY!" Undyne laughed heartily, clutching her sides and shedding several tears of joy as Papyrus poured both the baking soda and the prune juice into Alphys' stomach at the same time, causing the acid to slosh and tumble all over the place like water in a washing machine while the stomach itself began roaring with the force of an earthquake.
"Oh, dear..." Toriel sighed, blushing with humiliation at the mere thought of what she was clearly right about to become involved in as she pulled her largest bucket out of the closet and made Alphys sit on top of it, with both of her buttocks planted firmly into it just to be safe.
"SWEET DIARRHEA-BLASTING CHRIST, THE PAIN IS JUST UNBEARABLE!" Alphys shrieked and wailed at the tops of her lungs in agony as her stomach flushed itself like a gargantuan toilet, sending both the trash piles and the Chara-ghosts themselves (who were somehow semi-corporeal for some reason) careening straight through the numerous twists and turns of her lower digestive tract in but one fell sweep.
"HOLY SH#%!" Alphys' villi each individually screamed as the unbelievably massive load of both figurative and literal crap shot its way through her intestines and then finally came out her butthole!
"GWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Alphys screamed loudly in pain, letting out the fart of a lifetime as enough explosive diarrhea to almost literally fill the entire bucket exploded out of her butthole.
"Ahhhh, that made my stomach feel SO much better!" Alphys sighed in relief as she handed the bucket over to Toriel and headed over to the guest bathroom to wipe (and wash) her butt off.
"UGH, P-U! What the hell am I supposed to do with THIS pile of sh#%?!" Toriel groaned, waved her hand over her nose and stuck her tongue out in disgust as Annoying Dog suddenly appeared out of nowhere, hopped into the bucket, and began stuffing himself silly with its contents!
"Ahh, how I love the taste of fresh MS-Paint fanart in the morning!" Annoying Dog sighed in relief, licking his lips as he finished eating the entire thing, patted his belly, and let out an incredibly, disgustingly loud and rude burp before finally transforming into a skinny white person with a douchey hat and sunglasses and vanishing into thin air without a trace.
"Um, okay, seriously, what the hell was that?!" Toriel stammered in confusion, setting the bucket down on the floor and making herself a mental note to get it washed later, as well as an additional mental note to stop smoking the magic mushrooms that grew over in Waterfall where Undyne lived.
"It's been one of those days..." Toriel sighed as Alphys walked back into the bedroom and retook her seat on the massive bed, letting loose the air bubbles from her stomach with yet another incredibly loud and rude burp. "Um, excuse me, heh heh!" she giggled awkwardly.
Meanwhile in Alphys' lungs, the Chara-ghosts dwelling within had somehow managed to turn themselves into a swarm of evil locust monsters and were now slowly but surely eating away at her trachea.
"So, uhh...how do you think we should go about this one, pardner?" Papyrus eagerly asked Undyne, slapping her on the back and directing her attention straight to the problem at hand.
"Well, it depends on how evil you're feeling, I suppose...hey, Papyrus, are you thinking what I'm thinking?!" Undyne whispered into Papyrus' ear with a malicious smirk, reaching into her hammerspace and pulling out a weapons-grade can of pesticide while Papyrus followed suit.
"Of course I am, you crazy motherhubbard!" Papyrus laughed, high-fiving Undyne merrily.
"Well, in that case, let's just SPRAY AND PRAY THAT ALPHYS LIVES!" Undyne laughed as the two of them flew up into the tangled branches of Alphys' trachea and sprayed ludicrously excessive amounts of pesticide all over the place with reckless abandon, nearly suffocating Alphys to death.
"GOOD...NIGHT...SWEET...PRINCE..." Alphys choked, coughed, rasped and wheezed as she lost consciousness from the sheer amount of pollution that had just been released into her breathing system and passed out, with large amounts of blood leaking from her nose.
"OH MY GOD, NO...NO...ALPHYS...NO...WHAT HAVE I DONE...WHAT HAVE I DONE, WHAT HAVE I DONE, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!" Toriel screamed and cried in horror, running frantically over to the closet and ransacking it for the largest oxygen inhaler she could find.
"ALPHYS, PLEASE DON'T DIE ON ME, PLEASE!" Toriel wailed and sobbed devastatedly as she forcefully pried Alphys' toothy, dorky mouth open with her hands and stuck the inhaler right in.
"GASP!" Alphys wheezed as the inhaler brought her back to life while Toriel cleaned out her nosebleed with magical tissues and gave her a nice, reassuring pat on the head for good measure.
"Alphys, you're BACK! Oh, thank heavens you're still alive!" Toriel laughed and cried joyfully as she wrapped her arms around Alphys and cuddled her as lovingly as could be.
"So, uhh...where are those crazy bastards headed now, pardon me asking?" Alphys asked in an unusually nasally and high-pitched voice even by her standards, almost as if she was on...
"HELIUM?!" Alphys squeaked in a ludicrously high-pitched chipmunk tone of voice as she took a closer look at the inhaler that Toriel had given her and noticed the helium label on the back of it. "You know, I've always loved japes and whatnot, but this is just ri-goddamned-diculous!"
"Oh, whatever, your voice is so hilariously freaking adorable right now that I could honestly care less what you think!" Toriel laughed uproariously, brushing several more joyful tears from her eyes as she redirected her attention back to the main subject at hand; the next stop on the Alphys internal organ tour. "Well, okay, so I've got good news and bad news."
"What's the good news?" Alphys asked her curiously, cocking an eyebrow.
"They're heading for your liver now so that they can fix your currently out-of-control blood-alcohol-concentration levels." Toriel explained stoically, praying to God that the two of them wouldn't f%&# anything up TOO badly in there.
"Alright, so...what's the bad news then?" Alphys asked nervously, shivering a little.
"THEY'RE IN YOUR FREAKING LIVER! Do I really need to explain?" Toriel yelled frustratedly at her.
"Hey, guyyys!" an alarmingly huge group of ghost-Drunk-Charas, who were currently having themselves a hot, steamy blood bath in Alphys' boiling-hot liver pool, flamboyantly greeted Papyrus and Undyne upon their almost equally unwelcome entry into her liver...wait a minute, aren't lizards cold-blooded?
"Man, just the mere THOUGHT of those f#%$ing nasty little alcohol-addicted freeloaders mucking about in there as if they freaking OWN the damned place makes me SICK! Makes my BLOOD boil, even!" Alphys ranted angrily. Oh, well, uhh...that kind of explains it, I guess.
"So, uhh...how exactly are we going to coax them out of there?" Undyne asked Papyrus curiously, shuddering and wincing at the mere thought of how much beer-piss was currently in the pool.
"Never fear, my trusty loyal comrade! Where there's a SKELETON, there's a way!" Papyrus chuckled wholeheartedly, posing gallantly as he reached into his hammerspace and pulled out a great big can of salt.
"Um, Papyrus, what are you doing?! That's NOT-"
"QUIET, YOU!" Papyrus sneered sternly, halting Undyne with his outstretched hand and putting a teasingly shushing finger over her lips. "I, THE GREAT AND INTELLIGENT PAPYRUS, KNOW A GOOD BATCH OF ALKA-SALTZER WHEN I SEE ONE! NEVER QUESTION MY GENIUS INTUITION IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!"
"Watch and learn, Undyne! You see, THIS right here is the VERY FIRST THING that you're supposed to add to the water in order to respectfully prepare it for the pasta that shall soon be UNLEASHED upon it like a FEROCIOUS cavalcade of burning, molten SUNS!" Papyrus laughed maniacally like a true gentleman as he poured a borderline lethal amount of salt into Alphys' bloodstream.
"TORIEL." Alphys said robotically, her eyes suddenly opening themselves ridiculously wide.
"WHAT IS IT?" Toriel asked her curiously, turning around and eyeing her suspiciously.
"I SUDDENLY HAVE AN IRREPRESSIBLE URGENCY TO EMBARK ONTO POPULAR INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS AND COMPLAIN ARROGANTLY AND INCESSANTLY ABOUT VIDEO GAMES THAT CLEARLY DO NOT DESERVE EVEN A MINISCULE FRACTION OF THE SHEER AMOUNT OF HATRED THAT THEY ALREADY RECIEVE ON A DAILY BASIS." Alphys said robotically.
"WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST TARGET BE?" Toriel asked her suspiciously, cocking an eyebrow.
"FALLOUT 4." Alphys responded with a smug, winking smirk. "MY USERNAME SHALL BE KARKAT."
"SWEET F%#&ING CHRIST." Toriel gasped in amazement.
"And then you just simply stir the noodles like so, and then...VOILA! SILKEN SPAGHETTI, FINELY AGED IN SOMEONE ELSE'S DISEASED INTERNAL ORGANS!" Papyrus chuckled as he pulled out his ladle and began stirring the pasta that he had just recently thrown into Alphys' liver pool while Undyne merely watched with her jaw agape in equal parts disgust, amazement and confusion.
"OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, PAPYRUS, WE COULD HAVE ALREADY BEEN DONE WITH THIS LITERALLY AT LEAST AN ENTIRE FREAKING MINUTE AGO!" Undyne ranted angrily and rather disappointedly at Papyrus, reaching into her hammerspace and pulling out a bottle of Alka-Seltzer.
"Oh, and for F%^#'S sake, it's not Alka-SALT-zer, it's Alka-SELT-zer! GET IT THE F$&% RIGHT!" Undyne yelled furiously at Papyrus as she took the bottle of pills and dumped it into Alphys' liver pool, effectively returning her blood-alcohol-concentration levels right back to normal.
"NO! NOT THE NON-ALCOHOLIC BOILING LAVA! IT BURRRNS!" the ghost-Drunk-Charas moaned and screamed in unison as the ghost-skin melted right off of their ghost-skeletons.
"Wow, I feel SO much smarter now! And also TOTALLY confident that these two bozos know how to perform HEART surgery without accidentally causing the patient to f#%^ing BLEED to death!" Alphys rolled her eyes sarcastically and crossed her arms as Papyrus and Undyne slowly but surely made their way to their second-to-last destination...her still-beating heart!
"Tis be a broken heart." Papyrus sighed as him and Undyne made their way into Alphys' ventricles and observed all of the countless, frighteningly deep scars that a certain ghost-Chara had very recently left inside of them with their knife. "Betrayed by its own lovers...how utterly tragic."
"Papyrus, for the LOVE OF GOD, she's SLOWLY BLEEDING TO F#%^ING DEATH FROM THE INSIDE right now! I really hate to burst your f#%^ing blimp-sized bubble or whatever the hell the actual size of your ego can even be suitably compared to, but there REALLY isn't any time for your stupid freaking waxing-poetic bulls#%* right now! Can you PLEASE help a nigga out, and just STOP this? PLEASE?!" Undyne got down on her knees underwater and begged Papyrus desperately.
"Hmm...you know what? Speaking of wax and candle-related things-"
"PAPYRUS, YOU ARE A FREAKING GENIUS." Undyne put her hands on Papyrus' shoulders and lovingly reassured him as the two of them got out a pair of torch lighters and painstakingly cauterized every last single one of Alphys' heart wounds with their burning-hot flames.
"Um, Undyne, how exactly are we doing this underwater?" Papyrus asked curiously as he finally put the finishing touches on that ONE last pesky little wound and even drew a little smiley face on it for good measure.
"It's under-BLOOD, Papyrus, there's a difference!" Undyne sighed as the two of them put their torch lighters back into their hammerspaces and admired the work that they had just done.
"Oh my God. Did those two. Just perform surgery. On one of my most delicate organs. Without fucking. Even a single miniscule thing. Up in the slightest? Holy f-" Alphys gasped in utter disbelief before suddenly losing her voice and becoming entirely unable to speak.
"I...I don't believe it!" Toriel gasped, putting her hands up over her mouth in utter disbelief while Undyne and Papyrus made their way back up Alphys' throat until they suddenly found her voice box!
"OH GOD, SHE'S LOST HER VOICE, SHE'S LOST HER VOICE, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO FREAKING DO?!" Papyrus screamed in panic, flailing his arms all over the place as wildly, spastically, and most importantly, ridiculously as could be.
"DUDE, SERIOUSLY, CHILL THE F%#* OUT ALREADY, WOULD YOU PLEASE?!" Undyne yelled angrily at him. "Look, the switch to turn the damned thing back on is literally RIGHT here!"
"Simple as THAT." she chuckled smugly as she pulled the breaker switch back to ON position.
"-ucking s#%&, I DEFINITELY did not see that one coming!" Alphys laughed merrily as Undyne and Papyrus made their way right back up to the place where they had started; Alphys' mouth!
"LOOK! THERE HE IS! FOR GOD'S SAKE, CATCH HIM!" Undyne yelled valiantly as her and Papyrus ran across Alphys' long, fleshy tongue and chased after this one particularly mischievous ghost-Chara...but still not fast enough to catch them before they slipped through Alphys' eustachian tube into her inner ear, of course! (Luckily, our heroes slipped in, too.)
"PLEASE DON'T GO INSIDE MY BRAIN AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T GO INSIDE MY FREAKING BRAIN AGAIN!" Alphys got on her knees and pleaded desperately in hopes that her wish would come true as the ghost-Chara reached the sensitive parts of Alphys' ear and was promptly cornered by Undyne and Papyrus in an attempt to stop them from doing exactly what Alphys was worrying about.
"Sorry to have to say this, but I'm pretty sure it's already too late for you to be able to prevent such a thing from happening, my dear!" Toriel playfully teased her, stroking her quills as the ghost-Chara took off running down Alphys' ear canal, prompting Undyne to immediately initiate pursuit by literally shoulder-charging a massive hole right through her ever-so-delicate eardrum, which only naturally caused Alphys to shriek loudly and clutch her head in pain.
"You won't be getting away THAT easily, mister! Or misses! Or whatever the f#%^ your actual gender is supposed to be, since Tumblr won't f%#&ing shut the hell up about it!" Undyne laughed maniacally as she and Papyrus chased after the ghost-Chara at full throttle, passing a wide range of bizarre and interesting (but really mostly just plain gross) attractions along the way.
One such attraction was an earwax museum (which, believe me, Alphys already has plenty enough earwax as is), another was the world-famous Larval Aphid Stuck In Ear Amber, and yet another still was just this random, incredibly stereotypical Frenchman who kept on begging visitors to use his ear-canal ferry service for eight dollars and ninety-five cents plus tax; yeah, we're pretty sure that the Frenchman was actually just some crazy-ass Mexican or some shit.
"I'M FLYING! WHEEEEEE!" Papyrus sang with glee as him and Undyne leapt out of Alphys' earhole and flew after the ghost-Chara, which predictably ended up leading them straight into the right nostril (because that specific detail just HAD to be mentioned) of Alphys' adorably massive snout!
"OH, DEAR GOD...JUST THE MERE THOUGHT, SO TO SPEAK, OF THOSE TWO PERFORMING BRAIN SURGERY...I AM SO LITERALLY DEAD..." Alphys stammered in terror as Undyne and Papyrus finally reached Alphys' world-renowned brain, which the ghost-Chara had just flown inside, and were now standing valiantly atop its wrinkly, spongy, incredibly filthy surface.
"Wow, good lord, Alphys, I never once imagined that your mind could actually be this FILTHY!" Papyrus gasped in disgust as he and Undyne both got out wet, soapy sponges from their hammerspaces and promptly began scrubbing her brain clean; after all, it was so dirty that the two of them literally couldn't even see the secret entrance hatch that was supposed to lead into it! (Luckily, their quarantine suits were mostly rubber, so the electric current wasn't much of a problem.)
"OOOH...AHHH...OHHH..." Alphys moaned awkwardly as the sponges playfully tickled and teased over the various pleasure centers located deep within her brain, making her feel incredibly mellowed-out and relaxed in a very unique way that she had never quite felt before.
"GOD DAMN IT, HOW COULD WE BE SO F#%$ING BLIND?! THE SECRET ENTRANCE WAS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE DAMNED TIME! STUPID! STUPID!" Undyne ranted angrily on behalf of both her own stupidity and Papyrus' as the two of them flipped open the incredibly obvious "secret" hatch located on the very tip-top-center of Alphys' brain and hopped right in, conveniently landing right in the thoroughly Chara-infested control room!
"Wow, what are all those beepy glowy metal things stuck onto the walls?" Papyrus wondered naively as him and Undyne nonchalantly approached the central control supercomputer, with extensive lines of ghost-Charas neatly arranged against the inner walls of both hemispheres of Alphys' brain, both facing directly toward the center. As Undyne and Papyrus finally reached the computer, a massive spotlight suddenly began shining onto them for dramatic effect!
As it turned out, the computer itself actually was, in fact, possessed by Chara!
"Greetings. I am Chara." the computer told them, manifesting themselves as a glowing red smiley-face on the pitch-black screen. "Let's play a friendly little THINKING game, shall we?"
"OH GOD, OH GOD, I'M GOING TO GET POSSESSED BY CHARA, SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL THE EXORCIST AND HELP ME! THEY'RE ALREADY TAKING OVER MY F#% ING BRAIN AS I SPEAK!" Alphys screamed in horror, grabbing Toriel and shaking her violently in a fit of panic.
"Now, now, there's no need to panic, just stay calm...stay...calm...OH GODDAMNIT, WHO AM I KIDDING, EVERYBODY RUN FOR YOUR F#%$ING LIVES!" Toriel screamed in hopeless terror.
"Now, as for those beepy glowy metal things that Papyrus may or may not have mentioned a few seconds ago...I don't know if a pair of absolute idiots like you would have caught on to such an incredibly complex notion as this yet, but believe it or not, those things are actually BOMBS!" Chara explained to Papyrus and Undyne, albeit rather smugly and arrogantly.
"OH, GOD, PLEASE KILL ME!" Alphys cried and screamed, clutching her head in terror.
"As I also may or may not have mentioned earlier, what we're playing here is a QUIZ game, much like the one that Mettaton used to play with the humans. Guess what that means? Yep, if you get even ONE answer wrong on these questions, then KA-BLOOIE!" Chara explained.
"OH, HOW I YEARN FOR DEATH'S SWEET EMBRACE..." Alphys curled up into a ball and sobbed helplessly, knowing that there was absolutely no way that Undyne and Papyrus would be able to ace something like this, and that therefore, her imminent death was pretty much inevitable.
"Oh, and also, one more extremely important thing: if Alphys even DARES to blurt out the answer to one of my questions and/or flail her arms about like a hummingbird even ONCE, then so help me, those bombs are going to be set off right then and there." Chara explained.
"Alphys, please understand that I'm doing this for your own good." Toriel sighed as she tied Alphys up with a rope and duct-taped her mouth firmly shut, which just made the poor thing feel even more helpless as she meekly, humiliatedly wriggled and squirmed in fear.
"Alright, so, Question 1: What was the name of Toriel's former husband before Asgore?"
A: Lord English Dreemurr C: Brokkoli Steemurr
B: Dankarius Meemurr D: Skeletor Feemurr
"Ooh, I know, I know! It's D! Skeletor Feemurr!" Papyrus eagerly raised his hand and answered.
"CORRECT." Chara replied, moving on to the next question.
"How did he know?" Toriel thought to herself embarrassedly while Alphys glared snidely at her.
"Now for Question 2: What fanfic did the fetish you're experiencing right now originate from, at least as far as the Undertale fandom is concerned? In other words, brain fetishism?"
A: Under Her Tail C: Mettatastic Voyage
B: Alphys VS Undyne D: A Dreemurr Reborn
"I honestly feel rather ashamed to know this one, but B!" Undyne sighed while Alphys sweated literal buckets and shook so much in pure, unadulterated fear that she swore she was about to have a nervous breakdown.
"Thank god these two are at least smarter than I thought..." she thought to herself, trying desperately not to move around too much while Chara moved on to the next question.
"Now for Question 3: Who does Toriel have a crush on?"
A: Sans C: Sans
B: Sans D: Sans
"Umm...SANS!" Papyrus laughed. "Come on, dude, that question was WAY too easy! You're going to have to put quite a bit more BACKBONE into it if you want to please ME!"
"PLEASE DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM...PLEASE, I'M BEGGING YOU..." Alphys screamed internally while Toriel buried her head in her hands and blushed as rosy red as could be.
"Now for Question 4: What is Alphys' vagina most often memetically referred to as?
A: Mettaton Socket C: Stinky Unwashed Cloaca
B: Smegma Waffle D: Lizzerd Gizzerd
"OOH! OOH! I KNOW THIS ONE! IT'S C! IT'S C!" Undyne eagerly raised her hand and answered.
"Now for Question 5: What is the true reason for Alphys being perpetually barefoot?
A: Her sexy little feet make amazing footjob tools C: How much she sweats
B: She's a narcissistic foot fetishist D: All of the above
"Hmm...you know what? Knowing the type of person she is, I'm gonna have to go with D!" Papyrus laughed, patting Undyne on the back smugly while she and Alphys blushed embarrassedly.
"Now for Question 6: Which female Homestuck character is basically Homestuck Alphys?"
A: Jade C: Terezi
B: Nepeta D: Vriska
"MMF MFF MMMF MFF MFFF!" Alphys tried desperately to blurt out the answer and flail her arms like a hummingbird, but couldn't because of how tightly she was bound and gagged.
"Meh, I happen to know this one anyway; it's clearly A!" Undyne laughed and shrugged.
"Now for Question 7: Which aspect of Undertale do people argue the most about on Tumblr?"
A: Whether Temmie or B-pants is more expressive C: Whether Alphys or Undyne is hotter
B: Whether the Pacifist or Genocide Run is better D: What Frisk's and Chara's genders are
"Oh, please, even I know for a fact that it's totally D!" Papyrus laughed heartily.
"Now for Question 8: Which order of torso organs has your current adventure followed so far?
A: Heart, Lungs, Liver, Stomach C: Lungs, Stomach, Heart, Liver
B: Liver, Heart, Stomach, Lungs D: Stomach, Lungs, Liver, Heart
"Wow, what kind of f#%$ing forgetful idiots do you TAKE us for? Of course it's D!" Undyne laughed, pulling out her energy spear angrily. "Now give up the act and FIGHT already!"
"Yeah, have some freaking BACKBONE for once, would you?!" Papyrus sneered at him, summoning his gigantic bone-club and brandishing it furiously as him and Undyne charged straight into action.
"Very well then, you asked for this." Chara sighed, leaping out of the computer and materializing into human form as he swung viciously at his assailants with his trusty razor-sharp knife forged by the gods of death themselves, dealing a whopping...12 points of damage!
"HA! Have you forgotten that our current armor is NIGH-INDESTRUCTIBLE?!" Papyrus laughed, readying himself to take a massive home-run swing right into Chara with his equally massive club.
"Boy, you'd better believe that you're going to be nothing more than freaking ORANGE-JUICE PULP by the time we're through with you!" Undyne laughed, summoning spears up the wazoo.
"Umm...heh heh? Ehehe?" Chara chuckled and stammered meekly, making a very distinct gulping sound as Papyrus and Undyne slowly but surely edged closer and closer to him, effectively backing him right up against the wall of Alphys' brain.
"Umm...guys? Could you PLEASE try to be a little bit more...umm, how do I say it, GENTLE in there?!" Alphys, who had just recently been unbound by Toriel, asked Papyrus and Undyne nervously, drumming her fingers together nervously in hopes that the current pathetically one-sided fight going on inside her head wouldn't cause her any terribly serious brain damage.
"OW! GAHH! YEOWWWWCH! AAAAAAAHHHHH! GAWWWK! OWWWWWW!" Chara could be heard yelling and screaming in pain as Papyrus and Undyne dished out the beating of a lifetime on him.
"That's it, I'm officially packing my bags and giving up on this this sh#%! You know what, you can HAVE your stupid freaking overrated body for all I care, Alphys! I'M OUTTA HERE! F$#% THIS SH%#, MAN!" Chara yelled angrily at everyone in the general vicinity as he turned back into his spirit form, flew out of the house, and finally vanished once and for all (for the time being) without even the slightest hint of a trace.
"Well, THAT was certainly something I'll remember tom-AH-AHH-AHHH-CHOOOO!" Alphys sneezed, shooting both Papyrus and Undyne straight out of her nose in a big nasty pile of mucus.
Once Papyrus and Undyne had finally been regrown back to normal size, Alphys then proceeded to immediately hug both of them lovingly and thank them for all of the wonderful things that they had done.
"Man, you guys just totally saved my LIFE!" Alphys sighed, already feeling ashamed for her crippling lack of proper reward material to give the two of them. "I'm honestly not sure how I can ever truly repay you for a service of such astonishingly great magnitude..."
"Oh, WE'VE got some ideas..." Undyne and Papyrus cackled, grinning mischievously.
"I've got a REALLY bad feeling about this..." Toriel sighed.
A FEW DAYS LATER...
"Greetings, everyone, and welcome to this week's FABULOUS show! Everybody give a round of applause for our wonderful new spotlight dancing duet, TORIEL AND ALPHYS!" Mettaton EX greeted his wonderful audience as Toriel and Alphys (who had Papyrus and Undyne inside their heads and controlling their brains, respectively) awkwardly stumbled out onto the stage.
"Ahem." Mettaton EX grunted as he waltzed over to his piano off to the side of the stage and began playing an arranged rendition of Bonetrousle (Papyrus' theme) from the Undertale soundtrack while Toriel and Alphys began gaily dancing the tango with each other.
"I used to think that no-one would ever understand me or care for me the way that you do!" Alphys sang as she and Toriel held hands with each other, outstretched their arms and began twirling around fabulously.
"Given the fact that you're a psychotic evil scientific murderer, I'm very confused!" Toriel sang as she and Alphys let go of each other's hands and twirled around in place beautifully.
"I love you so much that in my dreams I see a world in which you're the only denizen there!" Alphys sang as Toriel lifted her up in her arms and smooched her lovingly.
"How can a woman be so goddamned attractive with buck teeth, glasses, and distinct lack of hair?" Toriel sang inquisitively as Alphys smooched her back even more lovingly.
"Your beauty fondles my heart and soul like a molester obsesses about Asriel!" Alphys sang as her and Toriel began spinning progressively faster like a literal merry-go-round of lovers.
"Your lizard body is something that I want to f%# on the bed at a chintzy motel!" Toriel sang as she lifted Alphys up by the hips and promptly began eating out of her birth-hole as soon as her line was finished.
"And honestly, we really don't understand each other as much as we'd like to believe!" Alphys sang as she and Toriel began lovingly fingering each other on stage while they were twirling.
"But still we know, in the end the only thing that really matters is that we get to f#% !" Toriel and Alphys both sang together in unison as the former sexily leaned forward and kissed the latter (who was sexily leaning backward, obviously) in a very affectionate and tongue-twirling manner.
"My eyes have seen things that can never be unseen." Papyrus and Undyne both thought to themselves as the crowd wildly clapped, cheered and applauded for Toriel's and Alphys' performance; so much so, in fact, that the two of them ended up getting crowd-carried all the way out of the theater together!
TWO WEEKS LATER...
Sure enough, there Alphys and Toriel were, sleeping together in the bed at a chintzy, slutty motel, regaining their breath after an incredibly rough and kinky night with each other.
"Um, pardon my asking, but how exactly did our lives end up getting here in the first place?" Toriel asked, putting her hand over her forehead exhaustedly and staring straight up at the ceiling absentmindedly while Alphys did the exact same.
"Honestly, what the f$&% even just happened in this freaking FANFIC as a whole? Honestly, that's what I'd REALLY like to know, cause I've got nothing." Alphys sighed.