“...Hey.”
Sobbing on the first day was common enough. As was sniffling long after the deepest of sobs had come and gone.
“Hey.”
Though, they usually didn't keep their faces buried in their hands for so long.
“Hey...” The Black-faced one with the white on his nose-canal poked him on the side. I saw White-face's fingers move, separating just enough so he could see through them. I saw his tail flick, and I imagined it could use a good flicking after what it had gone through.
“Hey, you don't have to keep your face covered.”
White-face's tail pulled back against his body, and Black-face noticed it.
“You don't have to hide your tail from me, either. Those guys are jerks.” Black-face sat on the end of the bed, his eyes never leaving White-face. “I'm not gonna hurt you – honest.”
White-face eyed him with suspicion, deliberating for several moments before uncovering his face. He sat up slowly, his puffy eyes scanning the room, never staying in the same place too long.
“So, what's your name, anyway?”
“... 's Leo.” He sniffed.
“Sleo?”
“No. It's Leo.”
“Ohhhh, Leo... That's a nice name. Mine's Joseph, but everyone around here usually calls me Pussy... But I guess you already know that.” He looked down toward the bedspread, playing with his own fingers.
“...Does everyone do that?” He sniffed.
“Most of 'em, yeah. They do it to everyone, but, yeah, they're a lot meaner to us – like, us... felines, yeah? But, anyway, I guess you fig'ured that.” The instant he stopped speaking, he started picking at his claws, staring at them intently, as if he was doing something important.
“So what's your story? Parents abandon you? Die in some horrible accident? --We all gotta story, yeah? Had to get here somehow.”
“N-no,” White-face was taken aback. “I don't really.. remember.” He sat up and crossed his legs, taking occasional glances back at Black-face, never keeping his eyes on him for long.
“You don't remember...?” Black-face looked as confused as he looked skeptical, but his expression immediately defaulted back to curiosity, his tail contorting widely in the air behind him.
White-face shook his head in response.
“That's okay, plenty of people forget.”
They both went quiet, and White-face looked down toward his own lap, his face contorting with a sudden wave of dread. Black-face chewed on the inside of his lip and his leg started to tap against the floor rapidly.
“I know it sucks now, but it's not so bad.”
“... Yeah,” White-face grimaced, looking as if could start crying again. “You're not the first to say that.”
“Yeah?” Black-face looked over at him, sudden excitement in his voice.
“Uh, yeah... Mrs. Shire... er, uh, th-the lady who brought me here. She said it'd get better. Daughtry did too.”
“Daughtry, huh?” Black-face looked away for a moment, as if caught up in a quick succession of complicated thoughts, his leg tapping wildly the whole time. He brought his claw up to his mouth and bit it. “Tell me about the lady.”
“T-The lady?”
“Yeah, yeah, the lady who brought you here. Was she nice?”
“...” White-face looked back at him, suspicious -- almost defensive. “...Yeah. She was real nice.” He drew amorphous designs in the bedspread with the imprint of his finger. “Her name was Mrs. Shire.”
“Mmm, Mrs. Shire. Yeah, that sounds like a nice name, yeah? Mrs. Shire. I like that, maybe I'll name my kid that.”
“Y-You have a kid?” White face's eyes widened.
Black-face chuckled. “No. I am only fifteen, but I might have one when I'm older. Maybe when I find a pretty lady or somethin'... maybe one like us” – his tail lightly slapped the bedspread – “... Anyway, was she pretty? This, uh, Mrs. Shire?”
White-face looked at him with horror.
“Heh, yeah, heh, I know that look. She was, wasn't she?”
“I-I-I, I m-mean... I-I guess.”
“Ohhh~” He sang. “You like her, don't you?”
“H-hey!”
“You have a crush on her, don't cha'ya? --Heh, yeah, you do! I can tell.” He grinned.
“No!” White-face balled his tiny hands into fists.
“Yeah-huh, you got it written all over you! I bet you miss her. I'd miss a pretty lady, too.”
“I-” Red-face sounded as if he wanted to yell, but thought better of it. “It's not like that...”
Black-face laughed. “If you say so, fine. --Anyway, tell me about her, yeah?”
“I... I don't wanna to talk about this...” He sighed and shook his head. “Can we talk about something else?”
“Yeah, okay... that's okay with me; but, you gotta decide what we're gonna talk about.”
“...I do? Why?”
“'Cuz, it's your turn.”
White-face opened his mouth as if he was going to respond, but ultimately decided the logic was sound. “But, I don't know what to say...”
“Just say whatever comes to mind.”
“... My mind's blank.”
“Nuh-uh. I haven't had a blank mind for the last the fifteen years. I'm always thinking... except when I-” His voice caught in his throat and he sounded as if he had choked on his own saliva. His expression said he was about to vomit and, in an moment, all of his nervous habits ceased and he became still.
“...Are you okay?”
He looked around for a moment, a look of disorientation crossed with fear on his face -- and that crystalline look in his eyes: like all felines get when they're excited. “Uh, yeah... yeah.” His leg started to bobble again, and his face returned to it's previous look of curiosity. “Yeah, so what are you thinking, yeah? Tell me, tell me. It can be anything. Is it about Shire?”
“N-no!”
“It has to be now, though, yeah?” He chuckled. “Y'know, 'cuz I mentioned her, yeah?”
“No! It's not. And it's Mrs. Shire.”
“Heh, you are thinking of her, heh.”
“B-but... I...” White-face frowned, and Black-face smiled.
“I'm just teasing you. I know you're not thinking about that. --I was just wondering, though, like, what is going on in there, yeah?”
“What's going on in there?” He glared at Black-face's head.
“You wouldn't believe me if I told you.”
White-face frowned and rose an eye brow: “Why?”
“It's too f-ast. Like bees, buzzing around.”
“Bees?”
“Yeah, bugs, in-sects, buzz-buzz.” His tail quivered as if emulating the fluttering of bugs.
White-face's expression became pensive.“... Hmm.”
“...Yeah? You look like you thought of something.”
“I did. Are we allowed... to go outside?” White-face turned back and gazed through me; I was positioned just next to his bed.
“Uh huh, we can go outside. We can kinda do whatever we want... as long as we don't cause any trouble for the den.”
“...The den?”
“West-end. --But yeah, we can go outside. You wanna?”
White-face nodded back. “And uh, one other thing...”
“Yeah?”
“I have to... um...” White-face's voice trailed off and his cheeks darkened.
“You have to...? Are you hungry? No, wait, no, I know, yeah, don't worry about that, I have a cool place to show you.” Black-face hopped to his feet. “Here, come on.” He urged him on with his hand.
“Uh, y-yeah, okay.” White-face took a nervous glance around the room, no doubt feeling as if more eyes were on him than there were, and he slipped to the edge of the bed and hopped down.
Black-face lead the way through the room and out the door jam, White-face keeping his eyes either on the floor or on Black-face's back, clearly afraid to look anywhere else. I could see them on the outside, but only for a moment, as they slipped into the thick of the brush that surrounded the west end of West-end, those areas forever out of my reach.
Depression is a lot like quicksand, the longer you're in it, the deeper in you go, and the more the sand compacts itself against you; and crying is like that first breath of fresh air after your head goes under and your lungs fill with sand, and in the panic of impending death, you flail yourself to solid land with super-strength.
Needless to say, I would have died if I were ever caught in quicksand.
“Okay, we're almost there.”
Joseph lead me into the woods surrounding West-End, and the only thing he would tell me was that it was to see something 'cool.' Thankfully, there was a thoroughly trodden path, but it was narrow, and the tall grass spilled over its boundaries and rubbed against me as I walked.
“Hey...” I paused as I stepped onto a thick root protruding root from the ground, and hopped off the other end. “Are there spiders?”
“You mean where we're going?”
“No, on the trail... Have you seen any?”
“Yeah, I see 'em sometimes.”
I swallowed. “...You knock them down, though... right?”
“No, not unless they're in the way.”
I swallowed again and pursed my brow. My intense focus on the grass brushing against my shoulders caused my gaze to descend toward their roots.
“Hey... Joseph?”
“Yeah?”
“Are there snakes out here?”
“Oh yeah, fer' sure!”
“For sure...?”
“Yeah, snakes are great. Sometimes they can be mean, but I like ta catch 'em.”
“You catch them?”
“Uh huh...” He climbed up the trunk of an over-turned tree and sat down on the mossy surface. He turned to face me. “They're kinda fast, though. You wanna learn how? It's really fun!” He leaned toward me as he said it, his eyes glowing.
“Um... No thanks.”
I felt a pang of guilt as his shoulders sank and he reeled back, deep rivets appearing by his dimples so suddenly I was worried he would cry, but within a second, his shoulders rose back up and I saw that same curious, and somewhat empty expression on his face, and that smile he always tended to do with his eyes that fascinated me greatly, but in the same way one was fascinated with an animal corpse found in the wilderness.
“That's okay. Heh, you just gotta... toughen up, yeah?” He turned around and hopped off the tree trunk and continued walking, doing nothing different, but feeling strangely distant.
“Sorry.”
I saw him glance back at me, and I immediately regretted having apologized, but the look in his eyes, while as empty as before, showed eyes that were no longer smiling, and somehow that made the figurative distance between as evaporate.
As the ground became increasingly littered with broken branches and felled trees, the tall brush became rarer, and a thin, soft grey-like sand replaced the dirt, and it didn't seem like tall grass could survive in it.
I remained quiet for several minutes, and likely would have remained quiet until we arrived at our destination had I not been encouraged by a persistent desire to speak up. My hand lightly gripped at my thigh and I stole awkward glances down at myself whenever the land seemed flat enough to look away, and at one point, I even muttered under my breath – it had been bothering me for awhile.
“Hey, Joseph...?”
“Yeah?” He didn't look back, and his voice sounded gruff, presumably an exaggeration as he pushed some branches out of the way.
“Um...” I paused for an embarrassingly long span of time. “I, uh... I hafta go to the bathroom.”
“Don't worry,” he stepped over a large, fallen branch. “We're almost there.”
I bit the inside of my lip and swallowed again, throwing a regretful glance behind me, knowing it was far too late to go back. Thankfully, his words were candid, and I saw his uncharacteristically calm and focused navigation become a rushed walk, nearly a jog. He pushed back a final branch and revealed a small clearing, with only a few bushes encroaching in on the sides, and a few tree trucks that held the crowns that kept the sun off our heads.
He stopped just at the border of the clearing and let out a deep sigh. “We're here.”
“We're... here?” I looked around, surprised that we'd gone so far for a small clearing.
“Yeah. I-I know it isn't much, but this is where I go when I wanna be alone. I-I've, I've never shown this to anyone before. Not anyone, ever...” His voice trailed off, and he looked around nervously. I could see his fingers writhing fervently and he kept swallowing and moving his jaw around.
“It's... nice. It's really quiet!”
“Y-yeah?”
“Yeah, it's really cool. I would come out here to relax.”
“You can if you want... I mean, if you want.” It could have been my imagination, but I thought I saw his eyes glimmering a bit. When I looked down I noticed his fingers had stopped writhing, and in their stead, he gently picked at his claws.
“Yeah, I'd like that. I mean, I'd prefer to do it with you... I don't think I could make it out here alone-”
“-Yeah, yeah, no, I understand, that's cool. That's totally cool with me, yeah.”
When he looked down at me, I could see his eyes wide and focused, and for the first time since we had met, he seemed candid to me, as if a great burden had been lifted from his shoulders and I had been the sole lifter. His gaze swung downward, catching the writhing in my fingers and the stifled gyration of my hips.
“Oh!” His eyes widened even further. “I almost forgot.” He started walking forward and, after a brief delay, I followed. At the opposite end of the clearing, he stopped at a slim tree surrounded by bushes, right next to what looked like another narrow pathway through brush.
“Come take a look.” I walked up next to him and looked out, and through the bushes I could see a massive tree that had fallen long ago, a single branch extending upward toward the sky. It was the only spot I had seen so far with such a large gap for the sunlight to pour in.
“Wow, that's beautiful.”
Before I could stop speaking, I heard a splattering by my feet, and when I looked down, I saw Joseph, member in hand, urinating onto the roots and leaves below. I inhaled sharply and my head snapped back into place, up, staring straight ahead.
“What's wrong? You needed to go, right?”
I swallowed. “Um, y-yeah...”
“This is where I normally do it.” In my attempts to look anywhere other than the place I felt drawn to, I saw him smile at me. “It's a nice view, yeah?”
I swallowed and my eyes widened. “Wh-wh-what...?”
“The view. It's nice over here, isn't it?”
“O-oh... Um, yeah, it's nice.”
“Then what's the problem?”
“Yeah, it's just... I've...” I squirmed where I stood, the sound of him relieving himself worsening my condition. “... I've never really done it outside.”
“What? You mean you've never peed?”
“...Not outside, no.”
“...First time for everything, yeah?”
My squirming worsened and I grimaced.
“It doesn't look like you have much of a choice.” He laughed.
I groaned out loud and deliberated for several seconds before reluctantly speaking again: “But... I-...I don't know how.” My eyes started to water and I could feel my face growing hotter by the second.
He looked at me inquisitively. “Whattta you mean? You just... let go.”
I groaned again and he looked away, making himself decent. “I don't know how to let go.”
“It's never too late to learn, yeah? All you gotta do is... pull it out and go. That's it. Nature'll do the rest. “ His tone had grown more considerate, but I could tell he hardly understood my plight.
“Okay, okay, fine... I'll do it. But... I can't... in front of you...” I looked down in shame, my hand now openly on my groin, helping delay the inevitable.
He chuckled and turned around to walk away. “It was weird for me the first time, too, yeah?”
I doubted it, but the lie was comforting, and more pressingly, I had little time to question it. With my one free hand, I began to undo the sash of my robe, lightly bouncing up and down as I struggled. When I got it loosened, nature did just as Joseph said it would, and with a long sigh and a quivering wave of energy up my spine, I began to empty myself inches from where he had done the same.
Throughout our walk to his private area, there had been thoughts poking me with every step, like cattle prods, and with my relief melting into a heavily sedating hangover, they caught up and left their marks. I was forced to confront the reality that I would have to eventually leave Joseph's little hideaway, and return to my little bed, in my little corner of the room, surrounded by some not-so little 'brothers,' and there I would be just like cattle, being lead to a slaughterhouse.
I felt my lips grow heavy, and soon my brows hung lower as well, and then even my eye lids followed-suit, but it was only then I noticed that, at some point in my alone time with Joseph, I had actually dawned a smile, and while it was gone, there lied a deep understanding that his presence would function as something whole in what was otherwise pieces of a shattered life.
When I finished, I turned around and found him looking down toward his feet, then toward mine, then some trees, and finally toward my own eyes, all in a rapidly shifting series of motions. I unconsciously suspected he'd been glaring at me the entire time, but the attempt to mask his own actions strangely made it so it did not bother me much.
He was sitting on a fallen tree, one that looked moist and was almost for sure a home for bugs, but his spot was well-worn, and several layers of deteriorated wood had been picked away, revealing what seemed like a solid, non-infested seat.
“Wanna see somethin' cool?” He stood up without waiting for an answer. “I've been practicing.”
I watched as he navigated to a small area where he had cleared the leaves. He bent himself forward and kneeled down, putting both palms down into the dirt. He effortlessly lifted himself up into a handstand, his tail whipping around curiously as he remained suspended upside down.
“Oh wow!”
“It's cool... yeah?” He started to walk toward me with meticulous hand-steps.
“Uh huh, how'da you do that?”
“Yeah, it's easy. I just get up on my hands... and walk like this.”
After a few more moments of surprising poise, he repositioned himself back on his feet and approached me, surprisingly still, and his smile surprisingly peaceful, like a monk with a penchant for showing off.
“Wow, I sure wish I could do something like that...”
“It's never too late to learn, yeah?”
We stayed in his hideaway for another hour, making idol conversation, bad jokes, and further getting to know each other. I didn't attempt to do a handstand like I had been tempted, but he encouraged it, and I appreciated the sentiment deeply. I figured there would always be a next time, at least I hoped there would be, and I had a feeling his encouragement would spill into other days, and I looked forward to that.
Joseph had a strange affect on me, and the moment I had seen him flip his body upside down, all analogies about cattle had promptly been taken to the backyard and put down. Any lowering of my facial features had been undone, and a smile had even found its way back onto my lips, and it would leave and return intermittently, because somehow, with him, it was always worth bringing back.
Even if those engrossing states of dreary contemplation and vivid barnyard expressions would return the moment I was alone, he was like a fence, one so comforting that even the blades of my impending slaughter could not reach me when I was with him, and he provided me with a feeling of security I had forgotten existed. Even if I was forced to return to the last place on earth I wanted to be, I would do so, if there could be another chance to experience a brief reprieve from what my life had become, and help grow it into what it could be.
