A flash of golden electricity erupted out of thin air as the box materialised about a foot off the ground and slammed into the earth.
The box looked unbelievably out of place in the forest where it had landed: it was made of glass and grey metal, with a big red panel that declared ‘PHONE’ above the door.
The door of the phone booth slid open, and its four occupants stepped out.
The first two to exit were a brown ferret and a green python, with big smiles on their faces, gawking at the wooded scenery around them.
Close behind was a big sand-coloured bearded dragon, wearing cowboy apparel and a large smile too. He was the legendary Billy the Kid, whom Snap and KG had plucked from a bar in the Old West in 1879.
In the back of the booth, however, was a white owl in a toga, who had clearly not enjoyed the ride as much as the other three. He clung to the walls of the phone booth, his eyes wide and his beak mouthing silently.
This was Socrates of Athens, one of the most well-known classical philosophers of Ancient Greece, responsible for Western thought and philosophy
“Not bad, eh, So-crates?” said Billy the Kid – unsurprisingly, this did little to placate the owl – before turning to Snap and KG. “Boys, where are we?”
“England, fifteenth century!” said Snap.
“I’m thinkin’ oor report’s gonnae be well guid!” KG enthused beside him.
“Jist need somebiddy fae medieval times!” Through a path in the forest beside the four of them, there came a small procession of what appeared to be medieval serfs, decked out in earthy colours. Made up of men and women of varying species, they were carrying things like farming implements and baskets of food.
“Excellent.” Said The Kid. Snap turned to look at him.
“’Ere Bill, ye’re nae bad at this whole time-travel shite, eh?” he said, clapping a hand on the bearded dragon’s shoulder.
Snap then saw a bearded serf – a greyish cat – walking in the procession.
“Awrite, mate?” he said, causing the feline to stop, eyes wide. “Ken whaur ony historical gudgies are hingin’ aboot?”
The serf’s only reply to these strangers was to raise a shaky hand and point to a place up and behind them.
They turned.
“Whoa!”
Before them was an honest-to-God, real medieval castle!
“Well, squeeze my cock and call me Nancy!” KG exclaimed. “Wid ye look at that!”
“Thon’s gottae be the castle of King Henry.” Snap said knowledgeably, consulting his history book, before stuffing it into KG’s schoolbag. “’Mon then, mate!”
KG turned to Billy.
“Right, Billy, watch the booth. And keep an eye oan So-crates, eh?”
He handed The Kid the bag, and walked with Snap up close to the castle, where they could get a better view.
“Right, wha’re we getting’ fae Medieval? Whit aboot yon gnarled goat gudgie?” Snap looked over to his esteemed colleague, to find him staring soundlessly up at the castle. “KG?”
Without even taking his eyes off of the place he was staring, KG responded in an unusually breathy voice.
“Mate, I’ve got wood.”
Stunned by his friend’s strange words, the ferret followed the python’s gaze up to the castle…
… and could see exactly what KG was gawking at.
There was, high up on the side of the castle, a small stone balcony, not unlike the one from Romeo and Juliet.
And there were girls on this balcony.
It was a long way to look he two girls high up on the balcony, but they could tell that one was sunshine yellow, and the other was a nice chocolatey brown.
Snap recovered first.
“Bloody Nora!” he exclaimed as he picked his jaw off of the floor. “Must be them Princess lassies ye telt us aboot at Tesco!” KG waved up at them, and they waved back. Snap shook his head and sighed. “Mate, we have tae go, we’re here for the history, no a lass report.”
KG turned to look at him, mouth slightly open. “But Snap, they’re historical lassies!”
"Right, you're normally the one who gets this right, how d'ye wanna do this?"
The phone booth had shrunk. It had to have shrunk. Because, in all the time they had used it, even with So-crates and Billy the Kid, KG and Snap had never had to be squished up against the glass before.
But they had to now.
“Oh my, I must apologise, KG!”
KG would have liked to reply to Mina, but given his current situation, that was quite impossible.
The prodigious pillows of Princess Mina were almost completely encasing the back and sides of the python’s head, and the weight of them was squashing his face comically into the glass, making the indentations that her huge nipples were making in her dress fully visible to outsiders.
The phone booth, flying through the Circuit of History, shook suddenly, sending Mina back a little and lifting those gigantic hooters off of his head. KG took this moment of relief to try and turn around, giving his poor face a break…
…when the booth swayed in the opposite direction.
KG’s eyes shrank to pinholes as those colossal boulders flew straight back the way they came, and…
WHOOMPF!
---
Snap was facing a similar problem with Princess Sally.
THUNP!
“Oh dear, I do hope you don’t mind this Snap,”
Snap didn’t mind. Dear God, how he didn’t mind.
One particularly violent lurch of the phone booth had the back of Snap’s head rammed up her crack, plain and simple. In fact, she was basically sitting on the ferret, bending his spine in a way other than what Mother Nature had intended.
