I sat across from him, keeping the distance of the kitchen table between us. I thought maybe if he did anything, if anything happened, I could shove it at him, use it as a barricade while I bolted for the door. I didn't tell him that of course, but emotionally the table might as well have been a million miles long. I stared at him over the distance, looked him in the eye. Goddamn his eyes. They were still the same. Crystal blue, always could pull me in. Fuck. His eyes were still the same. HE was still the same. Part of me hated him for that. Part of me just wanted him to leap up and charge at me, Be what I knew he was, now, and just fucking kill me and get it over with. But he just fucking sat there, looking at me like a kid who got caught with his hand in the fucking cookie jar, and just waited. Waited for ME to make the first move.
What the hell did he expect me to DO? What COULD I do?
..So I just sat there too. The clock kept ticking by, becoming more deafening by the second until it filled the kitchen. Our kitchen. At least it was going to be ours, he said. I knew he was going to propose..or at least he wanted to. But then instead he drops THIS on me. And I didn't know what to do next. The clock refused to shut up and continued its ceaseless tick..tick..tick..
I took a deep breath, and decided to be the one who broke first. It's what he wanted, anyway.
"..How."
He took a deep breath too.
"You remember I told you about Jerod?"
"Jerod? Wasn't he the crazy one?"
"Yeah.. Now you know why."
"Hmpf."
"..Okay, that wasn't exactly fair of me. He wasn't crazy because of THAT. Well.. At least not entirely. But I suppose it didn't help."
"Is that what it does, Brendan? Does it 'not help'? 'Cause it sure isn't helping me right now."
I think he turned a bit even redder, and cast his eyes to the floor. After a long pause, he sighed.
"Mike..If you want me to go--"
"What the fuck do you think?"
He stood. He made some kind of little noise as he did. Was it now? Was he going to kill me now?
..Was he choking back a sob?
I got to my feet, hands firmly gripped on the edges of the table. No. No, he wasn't going to do this and just leave. Even if it cost me my fucking life.
"I'm..sorry, Mike."
"No. You shut up and you sit back down. You don't get to just drop this shit in my lap and walk out the door like it never happened. You sit down and you tell me everything. You're going to tell me everything."
He looked back up at me. His eyes were tearing up, but I swear I saw hope in them. Can he feel? Is it just a trick or can he really feel? He sat again and grabbed a napkin, dabbing his eyes.
"Mike...do you think this is easy for me?"
"Seemed easy enough when you strapped me to the fucking bed.."
He sighed. "Mike.." Fuck..He still said my name the same way too. "That was for you..not for me. That was so you didn't hurt yourself..trying to get away."
It wasn't him who leaped up from the table, it was me, flinging the chair behind me. "The FUCK did you THINK would happen, Brendan!? I'd just smile and take it all la-dee-fucking-DA!?"
He looked down again.
"I never told you about Dave."
"Now who the fuck is Dave?"
"...Dave..." His eyes started to water again.
"Dave shot himself, Mike. He grabbed a gun and shot himself, right in front of me. He didn't even point it at me, he just..couldn't handle it. He couldn't live with it. I'm so sorry Mike I really am, but I can't go through that again."
His expression changed and he slammed his hand down on the table. "So yeah Mike, I'm fucking sorry, okay? I'm sorry I had to 'trick' you but you're here, okay!? You're not curled up in the corner gibbering nonsense, you're not on the phone getting laughed at by fucking 911, and you're HERE and you're alive and you're not...not...You're okay, Mike."
"...Okay. You call this okay."
He looked straight into my eyes, his crystal blues etched with red and tears. "You're ALIVE, Mike! Hate me if you want, tell me to get the fuck out, get the fuck out of your life and never come back, hell, go find a gun and fucking shoot me if it makes you feel any better. It doesn't matter to me because you're alive."
I gripped the edges of the table hard.
"..Why. Why am I alive, Bren. Why is that so important."
I had to give him credit, he looked genuinely hurt by that.
"Mike.... Why do you think?"
I remained silent.
"What do you think this was all about, Mike? Why do you think I would've gone through all this and risked everything?"
Tick...tick...tick...
"You don't want me to say it, Mike. You don't want me to say it, you don't want to hear it right now."
I inhaled hard through my nose. That was a mistake. I could smell him. I didn't want to smell him right now.
"Mike..."
"So what, you're going to say it anyway, aren't you? What does it even mean anymore, Bren? What the hell is it supposed to mean, what am I supposed to think? You think you want me to trust you again, after this? Hell.. How do I know it's not all a lie?"
"Mike..do you think I would have spent all this time on you if I didn't? Three years as friends, then the dating, then moving in together? Why the hell do you think I did that, Mike? Why do you think I did this, that I'm doing this right now even though it hurts like hell?"
"Stop. Just stop, you don't get to tell me how much this hurts YOU."
"Mike....I'm sorry, Mike."
"You goddamn well should be. How am I supposed to believe you? How do I know you're not just trying to get me to let my guard down?"
"I AM trying to get you to calm down, Mike."
"Well what if I don't want to BE calm? What if I want to be able to defend myself..or at least die trying."
"..From me."
"Fuck yes, from you."
"Mike.. I don't want to hurt you. I wouldn't have gone through all this trouble if I wanted to hurt you."
"Ohh yeah, because you 'love' me? Didn't Jeffrey Fucking Dahmer 'love' all his victims too? How do I know that 'Dave' wasn't just on the menu? Or if he even existed in the first place?"
There was that hurt look again.
"Michael.. Let's try to apply a little bit of logic--"
"To hell with logic. Fuck logic, logic went out the window and sprouted magical fairy wings and flew the fuck away after last night."
"All I'm saying is, if I WANTED to hurt you, I could've done it last night. I could do it right now."
A chill ran up my spine.
"I wanted to share this with you, Mike. All these years, I've wanted to show you.."
"Wait. You're not telling me I'm going to end up like you.."
His expression suddenly got very firm. "No. NO, absolutely not. Jerod did that to me, he didn't give me a choice. I'd never do anything to hurt you Michael, especially not that."
I paused, Looked behind me, picked up the chair and sat it back up, and sat back in it.
"Okay..Let's say for the moment I believe you."
"That would be a good first step."
"So I'm not going to be dinner, and I'm not going to be...like you. Where does that leave us?"
"Michael.." He said my name that way again. That way that he did. Did he really love me? He had a point, as terrifying as it was; He really could just tear me to pieces and I had to admit to myself that there was really nothing I could do about it.
"..It leaves us wherever you want it to leave us. If you want me to go, I'll go."
I sat and thought a moment, looking across the table at someone so familiar, yet now so alien. What was he really thinking?
"...I'm not done yet. Why do it? Why me?"
"Well.. Mike, that's a question you can relate to."
"How!?"
"...Coming out?"
..Oh.
...Shit.
He got me with that one. I just sat and listened.
"You know what it's like, to.." He took a second, searching for the words. "..feel life a certain way, a way other people don't understand. You know how lonely that can be. You know how...easy it is to get rejected..and how hard it is to find the right person. And even when you think you do, something can still happen. It can still blow up in your face. So you hide. You live a lie. And even when you don't, you don't know. Friends..family..strangers on the street.. Anybody. Anybody can freak out over it, and turn ugly. Hateful. When..you just want to be you. Now imagine that..times a thousand. I told you, Mike, because I DO lov-- I--feel very strongly towards you.. And we've..grown so close..I want..you don't want to hear this right now Mike but dammit, I do love you, and I want to be your husband, and I just wanted to be loved back. All of me."
"..So..did you plan it?"
"What?"
"Did you plan it, Brendan, from the start."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"Did you go after me because of who I am? Were you so god damned charming because every guy before me couldn't handle it? What was it, the fact I like big guys? That I'm a..cat person?"
He stifled a chuckle at that.
"Fuck you Brendan, I'm being fucking serious. Wait.. Does Prissy have anything to do with this?"
The corners of his lips curled up in a slight smile. "No Mike, Priscilla does not have anything to do with it. Well.. Except for having to have her fixed, I couldn't stand the smell."
"What are you talking-- Brendan, what the fuck did you do to my cat!?"
He raised his hands. "Nothing, nothing I swear."
"Did you try to FUCK my cat!? I will fucking KILL you if you did anything to my cat!"
"NO Mike, Jesus fuck! On my fucking LIFE I had nothing to do with the cat, for fuck's sake!"
"Then why the hell did it take her so long to stop running away from you Bren, she loves people."
He punched the table. "Because she could fucking SMELL it on me, Mike! She was scared! Just like YOU'RE scared! Just like EVERYBODY'S fucking scared! Don't you think I'm FUCKING sick and TIRED of EVERYONE being fucking scared of me!?"
He let out an exasperated huff and the kitchen clock once again had command of the room for a little while.
"That's why, Mike. I'm tired of running off everyone. I'm tired of being rejected. I just thought.. I hoped. I dared to fucking hope, okay Mike? Now are you done with me? Do you want me to start packing up my shit now or come back later?"
The clock sang out its merry ticks for another stanza as he stood up and grabbed his jacket off the wall.
"You hoped?"
"Yes Mike.. I hoped. I hoped I might have a snowball's chance in hell you'd be different. I hoped..I'd have a chance sharing this with you and you could maybe at least live with it."
"And that's why...last night."
"Yes."
Tick..tick..tick..
"I don't suffer any illusions over it Mike, I don't expect you to just take it in stride, fall into my arms and live happily ever after. I just thought..I might have a chance."
Tick..tick..
..If he was telling me the truth..If he's not just an excellent, charming sociopath who could perfectly fake real emotion..If he was being honest, this was as honest as he could be. Everything I knew about him...recent developments aside...told me that.
"..Sit back down, Brendan...please."
He paused.
"Let's say you're right.. I.. I thought I had a chance with you too. Maybe..Let's sit down..and talk about it."
"..You mean that?"
"Let's face it, like you said.. I should've been mincemeat last night if you wanted it that way. But you didn't. Tell me about it and maybe..we'll go from there."
He put his jacket back on the hook, and sat back down. Not next to me. Still across the table. Part of me wondered if that was considerateness of me on his part. Part of me wondered if it was caution. Probably both.
"I'll talk..if you're willing to listen. But you've got to throw out all your preconcieved notions, I'll ask that much."
Tick..tick..
"Okay. What's it like...being you."
I winced and mentally kicked myself for asking that as I realized a straight guy could've asked me the same damn thing.
"..Well..It's kind of hard to describe in just words.. You're lucky I had a 'normal' life before. I hear some of..'us'..are born into it."
"So there's others. Besides Jerod that is."
"So I've heard. I don't go to any of the meetings though." He smirked a little at that. "But no, I only heard it from him, I haven't met any others yet."
"Would you like to?"
"Well of course.. Assuming they're like me that is, and nothing like history's reputation."
"Reputation?"
"Well yeah, all the bullshit from the media, throughout the ages. Baby-eating devil worshippers and all that crap."
I just nodded at that.
"But what does it feel like? Well, I never tried it..before.. But from everything I've heard it's a lot like being on Ecstacy. Your senses are more intense. I'd be scared to try the stuff now, I might have a seizure from sensory overload or something."
"What's that like..?"
He let another little smile creep in. "You know how I say I like the way you smell..the way you taste.. Let's say I mean it on a level you can't understand."
I felt my cheeks flushing.
"I can still smell traces of all the drinks you had last night. From here. If that gives you any idea."
"Well.. Now I know why you were so determined to get me drunk."
"Sorry about that."
I handwaved it off. "So then, what's it like when you..do what you did last night?"
He smiled a little at that. "Oh, it's really kinda awesome."
"Does it..hurt?"
"Kinda.. But it's not, like, agonizing or anything. It's more like the world's best stretch, it aches all over but in a good way."
Tick..tick..
"Anything else?"
"Oh, about that? Well, yeah, my senses get even more intense and there's...It's like a fire burning in your veins, there's so much energy. Both inside you and.." He trailed off.
"What?"
"Well.. Things get a little weird."
"You don't say."
"No, I mean.. I feel so much, when I'm like that. I can't really put it any other way Mike, but the world..it's alive. Pulsing and thrumming with this..energy. And I can feel it. I'm part of it, like a fish feeling the current in a stream..I can't..I can't really do it justice."
"You know.. You really kind of light up when you talk about it."
"It's..It's a spiritual feeling. It's wonderful.. I'm going to sound insane saying it but I feel..closer to god."
"God?"
"Well...Whatever it is, that's out there. That's how it feels."
The clock sounded off again in the silence, as I sat in thought.
"..I wish I could share it with you..So you'd know how it feels.."
"About that.. You said it wasn't going to happen to me."
"No. I'm not going to do to you what Jerod did to me. Never."
"What..did Jerod do, anyway? How does it work?"
"Well it's not sexually transmitted, if that's what you're worried about." He smirked at me.
"Thanks, great to know. I guess I'll have to trust you on that one, since it's not like they make a test for that."
"Trust me, you'd feel it."
"How'd it happen then?"
He opened his mouth and pointed to his teeth.
"I thought you said to get rid of my preconcieved notions."
"Well, there's a little truth to that one. It doesn't just automatically happen though.. It's more like..a snake."
"A snake?"
"Well, a snake can give what's called a 'dry bite' or it can choose to inject its venom."
"And..Jerod chose."
"Without my consent, the asshole. He had shown me already like I showed you, and I was willing to trust him.. Even get into bed with him like that, and he goes and decides to 'share'. Fucking dog."
"He wasn't..like you?"
"Nah, and I think that's what he was expecting. It depends on the person..'recieving' actually..heh. The end result may not be what you hope for. Jerod lost his shit when everything finally happened."
"So that part about you blowing up at each other.."
"Oh, we wrecked furniture. I don't think he was expecting a 'newbie' like me to win, either." He couldn't help but beam a little at that.
"Was there some kind of rivalry going on between..um.."
"No idea, but I certainly didn't do anything to diminish that age-old stereotype."
"So you won..What happened to him?"
Brendan looked at the floor again.
"You promise you won't freak out?"
"No."
"Fair enough. I didn't kill him, if that's what you're thinking. But I left him in a bloody heap on the living room floor, and I hope the sumbitch still has some scars that'll remind him of what he lost, and to fucking be better if he's lucky enough to have a next time."
I sat for another minute.
"Do you get..urges..to hurt people?"
"Again, not to freak you out, but yes."
I scooted back in my chair.
"And again, it's not like what you'd be given to think. I AM in control of myself..all of myself. If you don't believe anything else, I think I've made a case for that. It's just..a little harder. Why do you think I never want to go to a Pride parade? There's bound to be some asshole protesting, and if it ever got violent..If someone I cared about got hurt..If, god forbid, anything ever happened to you, it would just be so EASY to..Ahem."
Tick..Tick..Tick..
"...But..needless to say, I can't ever allow myself to do that. Reputation's bad enough as it is."
Maybe..
"..If something happened to me..?"
"Well..yeah."
"..."
Maybe...
"You'd do that..over me?"
"I said I loved you, fucker." He smirked. "And I meant it. I told you I feel things..very deeply. VERY intensely. And I'll admit there was part of me that just wanted to have my way with you last night and pretend that it was all a dream or some shit and hope for the best..But..I could never hurt you. I'm not a monster." He stood up and moved back towards his jacket. "But..I can understand if you see me that way now. I can understand why Jerod did what he did, but that doesn't make it right. Above everything..I don't want to force you."
He walked past me toward the door and in spite of some parts of me screaming not to...I grabbed his hand. It was warm, and soft, and felt just like he always did. Those parts of me made me pull my hand away though.
"I'm..sorry Bren."
He looked down. "I'm sorry too Mike." He moved again towards the door.
"No.."
He paused.
"No Bren, I'm..sorry.."
I looked into those crystal-blue eyes again.
Dammit.
"I'm..sorry..I scared you."
Those eyes started to tear up again. "Mike..don't say something you're not going to mean."
"No..I.."
"Don't fuck with my heart Mike. Don't you dare try to protect my feelings."
Bren started to get blurry for no apparent reason.
Oh wait.
Fuck.
I wiped my eyes.
"Bren.. I can't promise. It's a lot, it's a whole lot. But.."
"Don't say it Mike." Tears started to fall from those lovely eyes.
"You're still you, aren't you? All this time..I never knew. But you were still you."
"Mike..That's what I've been trying to say. Don't tell me you believe me if you don't."
"I don't know...what to think anymore. But I don't..want..to throw everything out. Not if there's a chance. And I don't..want..to believe.. Parts of me, don't want me to believe..but.." I sighed. "You're making me believe, Bren. God help me, you're making me believe."
He threw his arms around me, holding me so tight I couldn't breathe. I sobbed anyway. So did he.
"Mike...Mike I love you so hard...I never want to leave you."
"I...I love you too Bren."
The clock in the kitchen carried on, but I lost track of how long it really was.
"Bren?"
"Mmh?"
"I need to breathe."
"Heh, oh..sorry." We released each other and I took a deep breath. I smelled him. And thought about what he said about smelling me. A tiny voice inside my head allowed itself to wonder what that would be like. The rest of me tried to beat it down, but it stood, small and quietly firm. And another part of me said, maybe one day I would. There's still time. I smiled at him just the tiniest bit through the tears.
"I'm sorry for what I said..about Prissy."
Bren let out a small chuckle at that. "It's okay."
"I should've known.. She loves you now, as much as she loves me. And she's always been a great judge of character." I smiled at Bren a little more. "Maybe I could learn something from her."
"Maybe. Felines are very perceptive, you know."
"Heh."
We just stood there for a minute, almost imperceptibly rocking back and forth, letting the tears run down our cheeks as we caught our breath. I thought for a moment, and raised my hand. I pressed it against his cheek and looked into those damnable eyes of his.
"...Show me."
His breath caught. "..Are..are you sure?"
"I want to see again.. Sober this time. And not tied down. I won't run."
"And I won't chase you." He smiled a bit again at that.
"I think you already caught me, you fuck."
He chuckled a bit at that.
"C'mon."
We made our way to the living room, and he started to disrobe. There was something in his body language - a way he went about it, slow, careful, like when we made love - like something momentous was about to happen. Something truly special. Sacred, in a way. I suppose it was. He was always so careful with me, so tender. I guess a chance was all he ever hoped for. I could at least give him a chance. In a couple moments he was done, standing before me fully naked as I'd known him many times. Though now I knew he had more to show me besides his skin. I noticed he was trembling ever so slightly, and I knew it wasn't because he was cold.
"Mike..Are you sure? Really, really sure?"
I thought my heart was going to jackhammer its way out of my chest. I swallowed and nodded. "Yeah..I'm sure. Go ahead, do it."
He looked at me and I could see the worry in his eyes, but he took one more deep breath, closed his eyes and started to change.
He was right, it was nothing like the movies. No screaming, no writhing around - at least not much. He couldn't help but let out a little groan that deepened as it happened. And it wasn't like the previous night either; now without the twin hazes of alcohol and raw panic, I could see so much clearer. But damned if I could really put it into words what I was witnessing. It was like watching a liquid pouring into a larger container from a smaller one and somehow miraculously filling it. It was like watching those time-lapses of a flower blossoming. It was amazing, terrifying, and yet somehow..beautiful all at the same time. As nature often is.
In just a scant moment he was done, and all I could think of was that old William Blake poem. Tyger, Tyger. He stood there, softly huffing, seven-foot-something and god knows how many hundreds of pounds of raw muscle and sinew, wreathed in burning orange and white and ebon stripes. God he was huge. I looked up at him and he looked back at me, and I swear he must've been a bit self-conscious. He knelt down heavily on our wood floor, and the rays of the setting sun streamed through the window and caught in a patch of his fur, seeming to set it ablaze with light. Now it was his turn to look up at me, with eyes a luminous yellow and full of hesitation, and except for his heavy breath, he was silent.
"...Bren?"
A deep and heavy rumble came from the tigrine creature now filling my - our - living room.
"Yuss.."
"You're you Bren? Still you?"
"A'wayss wuss Mike." I swear that voice of his was shaking the floorboards.
I gazed into those fearsome yellow eyes. I thought..I could still see the faintest hint of crystal blue.
"Bren.."
"Skared Mike?"
I stood there a moment.
"Part of me."
"Com. C'oser. P'ease."
In spite of the deep-rooted instinctual fear running around my brain screaming its head off, I took a step closer.
"What.. What now.. What do I do now Bren.."
"P'ease..C'oser. Dun be skared."
He just...knelt there, looking at me. Those big eyes, fearful. Fearful of me. That I'd turn and run.
It felt like crossing a million miles, and every step I took, he just seemed to get bigger and bigger. I glanced down at his hands..paws..whatever they were now. He was doing his best to hide them but I could still see his claws. I closed my eyes for a second and took another step. Then another. And another.
"Ne'er hurt yuu. Promiss." The words seemed to shake the very air and reverberate through my chest. Shaking, I took another step. I could feel the room getting..warmer.
"Mikey?"
I opened my eyes and he just seemed to fill my vision. I realized I was only standing a couple feet from him now, so close that the warmth I had felt was radiating off his massive body. But he was still kneeling there, staying stock-still, waiting.
I stood there, unable to stop trembling.
"Yuu ssee me nao, Mikey? Yuu ssee me?"
"..Yes..Bren. I see you. I see you now. I do."
We both just remained still. Just breathing.
"Mikey.."
"What...what is it...Bren."
"Pe' me?"
"What?"
"Pe' me Mikey. Jus..'ouch me, p'ease."
I swallowed hard.
"Okay Bren."
I hesitated another moment.
"Jus..'ouch me."
I reached out..
His fur was soft.
