An office. A door opens. Inspector Pelton walks in followed by Superintendent Muck and goes to desk.
Pelton: Mr. Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of Potrzebie Chocolates, Inc.?
Milton: I am.
Pelton: Superintendent Muck and I are from the FDA. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Potrzebie Quality Assortment.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Pelton: (producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Coconut Delight. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
Milton: Agreed.
Pelton: Next we have number four, 'Squishy Caterpillar'.
Milton: Ah, yes.
Pelton: Am I right in thinking there's a real caterpillar in here?
Milton: Yes. A dead caterpillar.
Pelton: Is it cooked?
Milton: No.
Pelton: What, a raw caterpillar?
Superintendent Muck looks increasingly queasy.
Milton: We use only the finest moth caterpillars, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Pelton: That's as may be, but it's still a caterpillar!
Milton: What else?
Pelton: Superintendent Muck ate one of those.
Muck: Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Pelton: He thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a caterpillar in there. They're bound to think it's some sort of mock caterpillar.
Milton: (insulted) Mock caterpillar? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!
Pelton: Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'squishy caterpillar', and replace them with the legend, 'squishy raw real dead caterpillar' if you want to avoid prosecution.
Milton: Our sales would plummet!
Pelton: I don't care about your sales! I'm here to protect the general public! Now what about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) 'Dog Tongue'. (exit superintendent) What sort of confection is this?
Milton: We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh St. Schnoodle tongue, folded, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with ant feces.
Pelton: Well it doesn't say anything about that here.
Milton: Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after high-fructose corn syrup.
Pelton: (looking) Well I hardly think this is good enough. I think it's more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning ant feces.
Milton: What about our sales?
Pelton: If sales are important, then why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary? (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one - 'foreskin fondue', (superintendent exits) 'swollen zit', and what's this one: 'spring surprise'?
Milton: Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
Pelton: Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Milton: (getting up from the desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.
Pelton: Stop talking to the camera.
Milton: I'm sorry.
Supeintendent Muck enters the room as Inspector Pelton and Milton leave, and addresses the camera.
Muck: If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweetmeats, it would reduce the number of man-hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.
END
