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RulerOfIce
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The Story of Hana

Applebloom
hanas_story.doc
Keywords male 1255961, female 1141850, cat 224269, fantasy 27942, neko 4591
My name is Hana and I am not exactly what you would call a normal cat. This is the story of my birth… or maybe I should call it a rebirth. I don’t know. I remember the horror I lived through. A horror I can never forget. A horror that changed my life forever.


My race looks a lot like Earth’s cats, except we can talk, we have no claws, we have our own culture, we are a bit bigger and we are no one’s pets. I was only a mere child with a dark blue fur. I had my mother, my father, three brothers and four sisters. We were all one big tribe. We lived in decent huts made of bricks and clay in a jungle. Our technology cannot be compared to Earth’s and I mean that in a bad way. We are pretty primitive, but we are not savages. In fact, we hate war; we hate any form of fighting. We are a peaceful race. We do not have any weapons either. Our lives were perfect and we lived in a paradise. Such long happy lives. Because of all that, we could not stop him.

A stranger came to our village and we welcomed him. That stranger… was nothing more than a shadow to me. Even so I did not suspect anything. The stranger did not talk much, but he did show us things. Things that changed our lives and… ruined us. Before we even knew it, most of our tribe was taken away, one by one, adults and kids. My father was wise and he knew that our tribe was in great danger, but none would listen to him and no one would do anything. They just let the horror continue and so in the end, it was only me, my family, the elders and the stranger. Everyone else had vanished. My father consulted my mother and they decided the whole family would leave before anything happened to them. We left that night, but we did not manage to get far away before the village’s drums started to make noise. In that instant I heard a sharp sound and my mother and father collapsed. I did not realize what had happened back then, but my eldest brother yelled at us.

“RUN!”

And before I knew it, we were all separated from each other. I heard so loud noises behind me and when I looked back, I saw a fiery light that came from my village. As I kept running, I heard trees falling and screams. I did not know where I was going or what to do. As four-legged race, we can run fast and our reflexes are… “off the charts” as I have heard others saying. But those features were nothing in this situation. I kept running and running as fast as I could. The screams had stopped and I was beginning to be tired. A storm rose suddenly and I soon found myself to be quite wet. I cried for my brothers and sisters. For my mother and father. I was alone, wet and helpless. I had no directions, no map, nothing. I laid down on a mud pool and cried myself to sleep.


I woke up slowly and noticed it was already noon. I was so dirty from the mud. My fur was horrible and there was no water nearby. I called for my brothers and sisters, but did not get any answer. I called for my mother and father, but they did not answer either. I had no idea what to do. My stomach growled out of hunger. I noticed a tree with fruits on it, but the problem was that only the village’s hunters could pick them up. I did not know how to do that. I began walking slowly, hoping to hear the sound of water somewhere.

It did not take long to find water, but even though I was able to clean myself and quench my thirst, I was still hungry. Even after eating edible berries, I was still hungry. I was lost and desperate. Just when I thought things could not go any worse, I heard the same kind of loud noise I had heard, when running away from the village, behind me. I began running out of fear. There was a clearing in front of me and in the middle of it… a huge building made of stone. I ran towards it. The entrance was high up, but I did not care about that. Before I even managed to start climbing, I heard a sharp sound and my paw suddenly hurt so much I screamed and rolled over. I managed to make my eyes stay open and what I saw was a face I can never forget. It was that stranger that had come to our village. His voice felt like it could stop my heart.

“There you are, you naughty little cat.” He said. “I’ve been looking all over for you.”

I looked at my paw and saw it was bleeding badly. I was unknowingly crying.

“You are the last of your race now.” He said. “Be a good cat and let me put you out of your misery right here, right now.”

The stranger took out a strange stone that shined green light so much it blinded me. I was forced to close my eyes, while I cried for my life. As the green light shone more brightly, it suddenly diminished and I heard a crash. I did not dare to open my eyes, fearing I might see that stranger again. I then heard different kind of footsteps coming from the other direction, from the building. The footsteps stopped right next to me. I managed to open my eyes and when I looked up I saw a face that radiated goodness and warmth.

“Do not worry, I will not hurt you.” He said.

I felt myself been lifted. I blacked out again, but for some reason I felt like I could sleep in peace.


I do not know how long I was out, but when I finally woke up, I was in a room filled with candles. Then I noticed where I had been sleeping. A large bed big enough for four of my kinds to sleep in. As I stood up, I felt a sting on my paw. I noticed it had been treated somehow.

“Ah, I see you are awake.” I heard someone saying.

I saw the one who had rescued me and carried me inside. This stranger looked different than my kind. He looked much older than my village’s elders, clinging onto his staff. That was when I noticed he was walking with two legs only. The moment I saw him, I knew this stranger was very wise and his face radiated that goodness and warmth I felt earlier. I knew I could trust this stranger. He came closer to me.

“Are you feeling alright?” He said.

“Yes.” I said. “Thank you, uh…”

“I have long forgotten my name, young one, but I am sure you remember yours, hm?”

“My name is Hana.”

For a moment the wise one did not say anything. Then he sat on a chair.

“Do you remember what happened?” He said.

I could not say anything. The memories of that day were venom for me. Apparently that was all the wise one needed to know.

“I see you do.” He said.

I tried to get up, but the stinging got worse the more I tried.

“I suggest you do not move.” He said. “You still have the bullet inside you.”

“Bullet?” I wondered. “What is a bullet?”

“It is a sharp object that injures anyone it touches in high speed. Your paw got hit.”

“Can that bullet be taken out of me?”

“Yes, but not yet.”

I laid down once more.

“It has been a long time since the last time I saw your kind here.” He said.

That reminded me of my tribe and that night.

“Tell me, wise one…”

“What makes you think I am a wise one?” He said, interrupting me.

“You are wearing a robe, just like my tribes elders do.”

He laughed when he heard that, but then suddenly he just turned all quiet.

“You were going to ask me, if I had seen your kind here recently.” He said.

“Yes.” I said.

 The wise one seemed to sadden all of a sudden. “My dear, did you not hear the stranger?”

I was confused at first, but then I remembered.

“You are the last of your race now.”

This became the most painful memory for me. I felt devastated. Without even knowing it, I was shedding tears.

“My village… my mother… my father… my brothers and sisters…”

The wise one shook his head… and I realized the horrible truth of who I was now. The last of my race.

“That stranger…” I said. “It is all that stranger’s fault. He killed them all.”

The wise one stood up and walked right next to me and knelt. He rubbed his hand on my fur. It felt so warm and comforting, but it did not make me forget my sorrow.

“My dear, you will experience a lot of pain from now on for the rest of your life and no one can make that pain go away.” He said as he put his hand on my injured paw.

I felt great pain then and I screamed. As I looked back, the wise one was holding the bullet in his paws.

“But others can make you feel less painful, when you let them help you.” He said.

I still felt a lot of pain from my paw, but it felt different.

“Rise, my dear.”

I slowly began to stand up. It hurt, but not as much as last time. I managed to stand up again.

“How did you…?” I was asking.

“The same way you are going to learn.” He said.

“What do you mean?”

“You need to learn to defend yourself and help others in need.”

“I cannot do that.” I said. “I hate fighting and my tribe has never fought.”

“My dear Hana. You are the last of your kind now, so if you die then your tribe has no way of reviving itself.”

“Even so, I am…”

“…no warrior, I know. And you are very young to be one. That is why I will train you and you will learn and when the time comes, you will be ready.”

At that time, I had no idea of what I was going to become. What the wise one asked me to do was to abandon my old self, who believed in peace and harmony, hated the wars and fights. On the other hand, he had a point. If I died, my whole tribe’s future would die along with me. I did not want that. I felt like I was cornered.


The wise one became my master. In the first days my master made me run with my injured paw. Something about “getting used to the pain.” He thought me many things I could do as a four-legged cat. I became faster. I was able to evade many things without slowing down one bit. My stamina rose. Every day my master trained me hard. I injured myself a lot of times when trying to fight against him. He had many advantages, the biggest one been the fact that he was standing on two legs while I was standing on four. During nights, my master healed my wounds and thought me what I had done wrong. I hated the way I was changing. I could not believe I was learning how to fight, how to defend myself, learning moves I had never done before. But most of all, I hated myself because I felt like I was betraying my tribe.

Six days after my master had taken me in; I was running around the temple, as my master called it, as fast as I could. My master was watching me from the entrance. I don’t know if he was glad that I had improved a lot in such a short time. After 4 laps, I stopped at the entrance. I was so out of breath. I looked at my paw that had been injured before. It still hurt.

“Very good, my dear Hana.” My master said.  “But I see you are still sensing pain from your paw.”

It always amazed me how he was able to tell that kind of thing.

“Will it ever go away?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Perhaps your inner pain is much worse than the one in your paw.”

“Master, I don’t like this new me. I feel so dirty and violent after learning all those moves from you.”

Right then, he hit me with his staff so hard I flew a short distance away from him and landed on a soft grass. The pain was overwhelming and I felt like I was bleeding all over. My master walked right next to me.

“Would you prefer to be the helpless little cat, who could not defend herself, her family, her tribe, her village?” He asked, while pointing his staff towards me.

My eyes were fixed on him. “What can one little cat do against anyone anyway?”

He then hit me right on the stomach full force and threw me towards the temple at such strength that I ended up landing on the staircases. I almost went unconscious because of that and I was spitting out blood. It did not take long for my master to reach me.

“You would be surprised, my dear Hana.” He said. “True, we are fragile and can die from just a few hard hits even from unarmed ones. That is why we can run fast and our reflexes are incredible. You have known that almost your entire life.” He pointed his staff at me again. “Are you saying you will always be weak no matter how I train you?”

As much as I wanted to lift my body, I could not. I was that weak. All the bruises and wounds on my body weighed me down. I wanted the whole pain to end right there.

“Yes.” I said.

My master was about to hit me again when I suddenly bit the staff with my teeth and took it out of my master’s hands. I did not attack him, however. I had that much respect for him. Instead I dropped the staff on the ground and breathed heavily. The movement had caused me an incredible amount of pain.

“You said that and yet you still managed to block my attack while you were seriously wounded.” He said.

I hated myself more than ever at that time. I had turned partly savage. I felt like a beast who was going to go on a rampage, killing anyone in the way.

“Such good eyes you have right now.” He said. “I think you are ready to learn magic.”

“Magic?” I wondered. The word struck me as a strange one. “What is magic?”

My master smiled, looking like he was radiating something incredible.

“Magic is one of the most powerful things in the whole universe.” He said. “Do you remember how I removed that bullet from you?”

I remembered it and then I realized it.

“That was magic?” I asked.

“Indeed it was. Magic can help you heal wounds, protect you and others around you.”

“But… how do you use it?”

He knelt down and touched one of my bruised spots that hurt a lot. A green light shone from his hand and in a moment that bruised spot was gone and so was the pain… mostly. It hurt all that time.

“I will tell you about that later.” He said. “You have to know, though, that magic is a two-sided thing. When I used my healing magic, you felt pain during all that. It is because of sudden changes inside you.”

That reminded me of the time my master took the bullet out of me. The pain had been enormous, because the bullet was moving inside me and out of my paw.

“Also…” He continued. “Magic is like any other weapon. Its user defines how to use it. For good or for evil. Many cannot use it, however.”

“Then what makes you so certain I will?” I asked.

“Simple, my dear Hana. Because I am your teacher.” He then looked behind him. The night had arrived. “It seems it is time to get some rest.” He looked back at me. “Come! I will heal your wounds. You need to have a lot of sleep tonight. Tomorrow will be a rough day.”

As he walked inside the temple, I tried to stand up. The rest of the wounds and bruises still hurt me quite a lot. I still hated myself for turning into such a savage beast and this was my punishment. Eternal pain inside me. Whatever my master was planning for me, I knew it was going to create more pain for me.


I woke up at dawn, still feeling all that pain from yesterday. I did not want to get up just to start training again. I did not understand what my master hoped me to be. The last hope for my tribe? A warrior? A fighter? Whatever the reason was, I did not like it. The training had changed me so much I barely knew myself anymore. I thought that even if I did succeed in saving my tribe, my family, they would not welcome me anymore. They would not recognize me anymore. The young girl from that village was no more. I was just a savage beast whom everyone feared and hunted… and killed. This new I made me afraid of myself.

My master came in. He must have seen that I was shedding tears, because he asked: “Is something wrong, my dear Hana?”

“I am afraid of myself, master. Even if I would manage to revive my tribe, I can never go back there again.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I’m too different now… and a traitor.”

“… Because of my teachings?”

“You turned me into this beast I never wanted to be.”

My master just laughed at that.

“Beast? You are no beast, Hana. You are still you. The same girl you always were and always will be no matter what I teach you or how I teach you.”

“Then why do I feel like I am…?”

“Do not worry about it.” He said. “My teachings will not change you. You only learn things, that can help on your long road. Now, how about we start learning some magic?”

I looked at my master for a while before standing up slowly. “Very well, master.”

I followed my master to a large room with practically nothing in it but just four big candles.

“First, before you can even start using magic, you must be able to stand with only two legs just like I am.” He said.

“I have been meaning to ask you about that, master. How can you do that? Cats can only stand on four legs… normally.”

He then wrapped up one of his sleeves and showed me a strange red mark on his paw.

“I have this mark on me.” He said. “With it I can change myself from a four-legged cat to a two-legged cat. Of course I can change back too. I just like it been a two-legged one.”

“So how can I get that mark?”

He knelt down and gently touched my forehead. A bright light shone for a second… and during that one second, I felt something in me. It was like my heart was beating so loud… and something else. My master lifted his hand and on my forehead, there was a yellow mark. However, that was not the only thing that had changed. When I looked down, I noticed I was standing on two legs… and my fur had changed from dark blue into light blue and yellow.

“What happened?” I wondered. “My fur is different.”

For a moment my master did not say anything. Then…

“Interesting.” He said. “This is the first time this kind has happened in my life.”

“What do you mean?”

“That mark on your forehead should not be yellow. It should be red just like mine.”

“What did you do to me?”

“… Nothing I did not mean to. Perhaps since your mark is different, it made your fur change colour too. Mine never did that.”

As angry as I was at that time, I was also just as curious about this change on me. Been a two-legged cat took some getting used to. It was nothing like I had ever experienced. Two of my legs were now my hands. I felt like a little kitten who was just about to learn how to walk. Strangely enough, I did not fall or trip at all even after I began running around.

My master just smiled when he saw me do all that. “How does it feel to stand on two feet instead of four?”

“It feels… strange and yet I feel like I am more free than ever before.” I said as I stopped in front of my master.

“Hmhmm… I know the feeling. I felt it myself after I tried it the first time. But I am afraid we have to move on and start your training.”

My curiosity got exchanged with nervousness.

“… Very well.” I said.

“Magic requires concentration. You have to have will to do what you want to do.” He then pointed at the four big candles. “See these candles?”

Right then, my master just quickly moved his hand and ended up pointing at one of the candles. To my amazement, water appeared out of nowhere in front of his hand and, like a lightning, moved and extinguished the candle in a flash. He turned to face another candle and opened his hand. The candle went out just like that without me seeing anything. Then my master turned to face the third candle and opened his hand like he was asking to receive something. The fire in the candle suddenly began to stretch towards my master and eventually just floated from the candle to my master’s hand. The fire just disappeared then.

I was looking at my master with my amazed eyes. “What just happened, master?”

“That, my dear Hana, was magic.” my master said. “What I just used were three out of four elements: water, wind and fire.”

“What’s the fourth element?”

“Earth, my dear Hana, but that’s a bit too dangerous to use here since there is a rock solid floor here.”

“May I try?”

“Be my guest, Hana.”

I walked near the fourth candle and tried to remember what my master had just showed me. Having will to do something like this was unimaginable. This probably explains why I could not do any of my master’s magic at first.

My master laughed. “Nice tries, Hana, but you are not going to succeed like that.”

“What else is there, master?”

“Imagination, my dear Hana. You have to imagine things you want to do besides the will. How else do you think I managed to create water and wind out of nowhere?”

Imagination. Something I had not done a lot during my life. Then again, I was pretty young. Still am. I tried again, this time with more concentration and closing my eyes. Then, in my mind, I pictured water on the tip of my paw. Pure, cold water flying from the tip of my paw to the fire on the candle. Something was still missing. I could feel it. Then I got it: a push. I remembered my master’s move. I imagined the move in my mind and felt a wet drop on my paw. I imagined I was sending all that water towards the candle.

… I made the move.

I opened my eyes, only to see that the candle was still lit. Instead I saw a floor tile right next to me a bit wet. My master smiled.

“That was actually pretty good, my dear Hana.” My master said. “I have never seen any other Great Cat who managed to create water and send it away this soon.”

I did not know whether I was supposed to be happy or terrified that I was learning such skills. The skills my master had used made me remember the stranger yet again.

“Master?” I said. “I think I know the answer, but does that stranger know how to do magic too?”

“Hmm…” my master pondered. “You are wondering about that green light you saw. I do not know if that stranger is a magician of sorts or not, but I did sense something strange from him.”

“What was it, my master?”

“It was like that stranger had someone else with him and yet he was alone.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“What I mean is that that stranger may not be your true enemy.”


The next few days I trained hard, trying to learn the magic my master had shown me. He even showed me how to heal small wounds. I learned that one fast. My speed had increased a bit and my reflexes were unrivalled. Even when running with only two legs was I fast. I was able to do moves the Great Cats could only dream of.

During another magic training, when I was trying to put out fire with wind, I noticed how much I had changed. My body was not the same it used to be. I had grown stronger than any of the hunters from my tribe. I was not worried about that. I was worried about the fact that I was beginning to get used to the change. No matter how I looked at my situation, I was no longer that young dark blue cat, who had had so much fun playing with her family and friends, running so freely without any worries. That girl was a stranger to me. I felt like I had born again to this world.

I managed to put out the fire with a weak wind attack.

I felt a pair of eyes was watching me. “I know you are there master.”

My master walked next to me and touched my shoulder. “Your senses are getting better, my dear Hana, and your magic is also improving.”

“But it is not enough, is it?” I said.

My master was quiet for a moment.

“You do not want to change more than you already have.”

I closed my eyes. “Despite all that you have shown me, told me and taught me, I still feel like I have broken the most sacred laws of my tribe.”

“You must understand, my dear Hana, that when an entire tribe is in danger and is about to disappear forever from the world, you must be ready to do anything to save them any way you can.”

I opened my eyes and looked at my master half-angrily. “What even makes you so sure they are all still alive?”

“Well, did you ever wonder where all of your tribe disappeared?”

I had not had time to stop and think about it after my escape from my village.

“That is why I believe they are still alive.” my master said. He then looked outside the room. “It is getting late, my dear Hana. I suggest you go to sleep. We will continue the training tomorrow.”

My master was right of course. I had been training almost the whole day and my body felt heavy. I went to my room.

---

I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night to a loud noise, like something got broken. I stood up and concentrated. I then heard it. An eerily familiar voice… and my master.

“Master!”

I ran to the entrance of the temple and I saw flashes of green light. As I ran to the stairway and looked down, I realized my fears had become true. My master and the stranger were fighting each other. Each one of them was throwing different kinds of magic at each other. For the first time, I saw my master moving incredibly fast for an old Great Cat and the way he fought with magic. I could not move at all, but that was not because of the air or the way my master fought. It was fear. Fear of what the stranger could do to me, to my master.

I knew I would only get in the way, if I would go down there and fight beside my master. I stayed low as I watched the battle grow fiercer and fiercer. The stranger was able to do same magic as my master.

The stranger’s voice was as scary as I remembered. “I know you’re hiding that animal here! Where is it?”

“You will not have her!”

Dark clouds appeared suddenly in the sky. My master tapped his staff once on the ground and suddenly a lightning stroke right where the stranger was, but the stranger dodged the attack so fast my eyes could not keep up with him. The stranger quickly fired a beam at my master, but my master reflected it with a shield and the beam hit a tree instead, which burned down in a blink of an eye. I saw the stranger running at the temple quickly, but was stopped at the stairs by my master. I backed away slowly in fear, but then my tail hit a loose rock, that began rolling towards the stairs.

“Oh no!” I began to panic.

The rock fell down the stairs, making an echoing sound when it hit. Before I even knew it, everything went quiet. What felt like an eternity, was only one blink of an eye. A green light shone so brightly and I could hear my master in pain. Then, like a wind, the stranger appeared before me, as scary as I remembered.

“There you are, you little pest!” he said. “My, your fur looks different somehow. No matter!”

He fired a green light at me, but I managed to dodge it. I ran inside the temple as fast as I could and went towards the candle room. I did not want to look behind me. I just ran as fast as I could. I could not even call at my master for help. I did not even know if he was alright.

“Come out come out, little cat, wherever you are.” The stranger mockingly said. “You won’t feel any pain, I promise you that.”

His footsteps were heavy and echoed loudly in the hallways. They reminded me of that night as I managed to get into the candle room. However, there were no places for me to hide.

“No matter where you run, I’ll always find you.” I heard the stranger’s voice.

My mind was racing as I heard the stranger coming closer at me. Fighting him seemed to be the best way, but not directly. Surprising the stranger from the darkness was the best option, but the candles were still burning. Footsteps were louder than before.

“I hope this works.” I thought as I concentrated. I felt warm as I changed to a two-legged cat. By then I had gotten used to the change.

Time was running out. As I looked at the four candles, I remembered my training and then, as I extended my hand, I whispered these words: “Please come to my aid. One of the elemental powers: water!” My paw began to feel wet. I aimed and then quickly made the water fly and put out the fires on all the candles. The room darkened as I heard the stranger walking right behind the wall. I hid into one of the dark corners of the room. Just in time too as I saw the stranger appearing at the doorway. I could feel his breath.

“I’ll find you even if I have to turn this building upside down.” he said.

I heard something very near. It was beating like my village’s drums, only faster. Then I realized it. It was my heart beating in fear. I could not even breathe. The stranger was checking the room very carefully. Then his eyes met mine. His stare alone made me unable to move. I could swear he was staring at my soul. After what felt like an eternity, the stranger turned and left. After a while, I was finally able to stand up. I ran towards the entrance as fast as I could and in seconds I was outside again. As I looked down, I saw my master lying motionless at the bottom of the stairs. I quickly ran down the stairs and looked at my master. He seemed to be badly injured.

I tried to wake him up. “Master? Wake up, master, we have to leave!”

He began to cough.

“Not so loud, my dear Hana.” he said. “I am not dead.”

“Master, we have to get out of here.” I said.

“No. I will not leave my home.”

I then noticed how he was healing himself.

“You are in no condition to fight the stranger.” I said.

My master rose up slowly, but I could see how much he was hurting.

I then said something I thought I would never say. “Let me come with you. Let me fight with you.”

My master looked at me like I had just done something unexpected. “You do realize what you are asking me and what you are getting into?”

“Yes, my master.” I answered without any hesitation.

My master hit his staff on the ground once. Right then, a lightning stroke in the sky. It felt like the whole ground was shaking.

“Then let us go, my dear Hana.” My master said as if he was not hurt at all.

One way or another, this nightmare would end that night.


The wind was cold as we climbed the stairs. My master was vigilant and I tried to stay low. When we finally reached inside, the sound of the storm quieted all too suddenly.

“Which way should we go, master?” I asked.

“Quiet.” my master whispered. “We do not know where he is, Hana. Fortunately he does not know where we are either and this temple is big.”

“So how are we going to find him, master?”

My master smiled. “Remember, Hana. Magic is very special. Not only can you do it, but you can also feel it around you.”

At first I was confused, but then realized what he meant.

“The stranger is emitting magic as we speak.” I said. “We should be able to sense him.”

“That is correct, Hana.” my master said. He then began to glow thin white light around his body and seemed to concentrate. “He is close… at the training room.”

I found that strange. “That cannot be right, master. I just saw him walk past that room before I came to you.”

“He is searching for you.” my master said. “Maybe he can also sense you… and me?”

“Then why did he not sense me when I was hiding at the darkest corner?”

“You must have hidden your presence very well without even realizing it.”

“Then… he is coming here.” I said. “There is no point in running away if he can sense us.”

“This explains why he did not believe me when I told him you were not here.”

That made me feel guilty all of a sudden. Because of me, my master was in danger.

“Master?” I said. “Can we beat him?”

“… I do not know.” my master said. “Let us find out.”

Right then, the ground was shaking and green light could be seen around the corner. As I watched the stranger come into my view, my fear increased as I saw the stranger being covered in green light like an aura.

“So, you ready to give up and let me have you, little cat?” The stranger said.

The voice I heard was different. It was so dark it made my whole body shake in fear. As lightning struck, I managed to glimpse at my master. He stood there so quietly and calmly I could not tell if he was afraid or not.

I gathered whatever courage I had. “You killed my entire tribe, my family in cold-blood and you expect me to give up? I would rather die than do that.”

“Then let me grant your wish.”

The stranger suddenly fired a green beam at me, but my master blocked it by creating the shield I had seen earlier, reflecting the attack on a temple wall.

That gave me a chance as I concentrated in my mind. “Please come to my aid. One of the elemental powers: fire!” I fired a line of fire at the stranger, stronger than I had practised. But as it hit the stranger, the fire just deflected out.

“You can’t win against me.” The stranger said with the dark voice. “This aura protects me from any attack you can throw at me.”

“You will still not have her.” my master said as he pointed at me. “This Great Cat will become the most powerful one in eternal time.”

The stranger laughed. “Even better. After I have her, my own power will be unrivalled in the entire universe!”

My master hit his staff once on the ground and multiple lightnings came out of its head, heading towards the stranger. An explosion occurred. The smoke was so thick I could not tell if the attack had hit.

But then I heard that dark, cold voice again, hitting my heart. “Enough of this foolish game!”

Before we both even knew it, the stranger hit us both with something fast and strong light. It sent us flying out of the temple and fall all the way down to the ground.

I would have been out cold if it was not for the rain, which hit my body like small needles. My body hurt so much. As I managed to open my eyes, I saw my master next to me. He was bleeding badly.

Somehow I managed to stand up. “Master?” There was no answer. Unfortunately I did not have time to heal him as the stranger appeared right in front of me.

“Good, you’re still alive.” the stranger said. “Let’s end this game of cat and mouse.”

A small green light began to shine in the middle of the stranger’s body.

I looked at my master, panicking. “Master, help me!”

“Too late, little cat!”

The green light shone brighter all of a sudden. I felt weaker and my body was heavy.

“Master… help… me…” I managed to say.

Then, I do not know what happened, but I remember the mark on my forehead began to glow bright light and soon earth itself began to shake. In a blink of an eye a large part of the earth rose up, becoming a wall between the stranger and me and my master.

As I wondered what had happened, I noticed my master was moving. “Master, are you all right?”

“I am okay… little Hana.” he said. “Just a bit sore from the fall.”

I could tell he was lying. His body was truly in bad shape.

“We have to get out of here!”

But just as my master was trying to stand up, the wall began to grumble and suddenly part of it cracked and shattered, revealing the stranger.

“You cannot escape me.” the stranger said.

The situation was desperate. I could not fight the stranger as I was and I think my master knew that. I think that was the reason for what happened next.

My master whispered to my ear. “Hana, you must survive if you want to save your tribe. You must become stronger.”

As I looked at my master in wonder, he secretly created something called a vortex, as I later found out. It began to pull me in it.

“Master, what are you doing?” I asked.

He did not answer. Instead he quickly turned to face the stranger. In that instant, the vortex swallowed me and I floated in an empty space, getting pulled deeper and deeper. I managed to hear the sound of fighting. Suddenly I heard my master in great pain and then… a shot.

“MASTER!!!” I yelled, knowing what had happened. “No!”

I tried to go back, but I could only stay still as the vortex pulled me in deeper. The mark on my forehead began to glow and suddenly I felt tired. I closed my eyes as I shed tears.


That was how ended up to where I live now. I have sworn to do what my master had told me. I will defeat the stranger, who took everything away from me and I will become stronger by training myself here on this new planet. This planet called Earth.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Well, this is a (fantasy) story I've been writing for the last 2,5 years, I guess. With Hana, my manga OC, telling her story of origin. I don't know if I'll start up a whole series about this.

Enjoy!

Keywords
male 1,255,961, female 1,141,850, cat 224,269, fantasy 27,942, neko 4,591
Details
Type: Writing - Document
Published: 14 years, 8 months ago
Rating: General

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FuzzFace
14 years, 8 months ago
Not bad! But I think the story arced a little too fast. I would have enjoyed getting to know the mom, dad, brothers, and sisters before they got annihilated. I think it would have drew in some feeling for the cast, All the while knowing what their day to day lives were like before everything was lost.

If I may make a suggestion for critic sake? There are areas that could use detailing to give the story a little more ‘zaz’.

Take this sentence for example:
“I laid down once more.”

We could turn it around, and make it a little bigger.

“I laid down once more, my feeble body pressing with a pained sensation into the plush mattress. Oddly it was as cold as the ground, as cold as that one night. The ceiling was an earthly brown, the orange and red colours leaping around from the candles making neat little shadows. It wasn’t much, but at least the covers gave me comfort and warmth from the cold. Or maybe that was just the shivers and fears of what happened.”

I can see a lot of potential in this, Just remember that all the little things matter ;)
RulerOfIce
14 years, 8 months ago
Thanks for the critic. I admit I can't really think up too well on how to make sentences a bit longer. Also, you're right about Hana's family. Telling more about them would have made the 1st chapter (I've made this into a chapter story in dA) a bit longer. It's actually the same problem I had when I wrote my very first story.

On the other hand I was trying to imagine how would a young girl (she's 12 years old in human years, BTW) tell a story which she herself has experienced and would she even really tell truly everything down to the last details. I thought she wouldn't want to remember her family that much, especially when to her they're dead. Actually I should say how would she WRITE the story. It's not clear in this, but Hana wrote this story on a diary. That's why the story has some flaws like what you said.
FuzzFace
14 years, 8 months ago
Ah, then you pinned that down, It did feel like I was reading a diary, breaking off every now and then with the characters dialogue.

I’d say  accomplishing the first person diary view, while not messing up her point of view of the story with details is the challenging part. Allow me to make a hypothetical scenario with Hana, if you will allow me:

“I just entered the room, a breeze was coming from somewhere. I think there might be an exit someplace around here. The gravel under my feet was uncomfortable, with no candles to light the way for me. I tried to walk around the solid brick wall, finding anything. I didn't stay there long as I reached around, and found the wooden door to the other side.”

Here we establish that she is in a dark room, the ground covered in gravel. It’s all in her perspective, while giving the reader some detail of what’s happening. But sometimes you might want to bring something in greater detail to emphasize the importance of a certain action or place:

“I just entered the cool room, a chilling breeze was coming from somewhere. I think there might be an exit someplace around here. The pointed gravel under my feet was uncomfortable, those little rocks leaving imprints of where I walked. With no warm candles, it was hard to see anything. I tried to put my arms out, feeling a wall on my right as my hand smacked against it. It was firm and solid, felt like brick. I walked along it blindly, my feet getting tired from stepping on the little rocks. I eventually found a wooden door, and the source of where the cool air was coming through.”

While it may seem unlikely that all the details would make it to a diary, it’s still being seen from her perspective. It’s useful for drawing out the suspension of what’s going to happen as well. But I think the first example is more or less what you might be going for. Not too many details, but just enough to be believable that she’d jolt it down in her journals.
RulerOfIce
14 years, 8 months ago
I see. I'll try to remember that.
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