Hey guys... I felt like I needed to write this, to try and explain what happened or what's happening with me lately, and why I've been away for a month since my last update.
It's not something new to me that I'm very susceptible to stress, pressure and demotivation. But this month was terrible... and I hate writing journals like these because it feels like I'm just giving excuses, but my mind really wanted to be far from art, work, and even friends. It's like this defense mechanism, that in order to protect myself and my mind I need to give it some time, and that meant staying away from bad sources (like work, family) and even good sources (like friends and games).
Ok let's go part by part.
I was already having trouble with making art during the past few months, not working as fast as I wanted, and feeling overwhelmed by the thought of needing to complete my comic before a certain date, and how I sometimes have nice ideas (for artwork or new comics) but always felt like I had older work in the way before I could even think of starting new stuff, and that makes me feel like I’m stuck.
My sleep routine problem, it's not news that my sleep schedule messes up from time to time, but I somehow managed to mess it twice this month, probably from stress. I might have lost two or three nights of sleep in total. And even that’s alright, but the worst part is that it kills a good part of my day because I feel sleepy in the morning and at night. I felt like I had the smallest window to spend making art, my boyfriend kept telling me to give priority to my health and body rather than my work and I think it was the best decision, because I still feel unhealthy and I could be feeling worse if I forced myself to work.
Now add the daily responsibilities of someone who lives alone in an apartment, it's still a bit of a pain to organize myself and be sure that I eat properly every day, this also impacts health.
On top of that, one of the worst things that could happen is that my own father "turned his back" on me. It's a long story, but basically that's his way of getting revenge (or just being childish...) because I didn't want to make a deal with him. Let me explain what happened. First of all, I hate mixing money with friends or family, it's just an awkward situation.
>Dad gets into trouble with money that I have nothing to do with and it's entirely his responsibility, and he's in his 40's >He wants me to lend him a ton of money (which would damage my bank account and get ME in trouble instead of him) >I'm screwed either way, no matter what I choose (to help or not to help, which is when the family status messes up with your freedom of choice) >I will either be his saving angel, or turn into his demon after this, which makes me fucked despite the choice >I choose not to help because the money I have is all the savings I have to live with my boyfriend in the future and I will never give up on my only dream >Dad sees me as a money bag instead of a son >He is now away, hates me for something he brought on me, and I'm giving him time to hopefully get over all of this >Routine is now even harder and expensive without car rides to buy food for the month and lack of his assistance in general (which is ok since it helps me learn how to really live on my own)
From all the stress, whenever I was awake and had free time, I would prefer to stay in calls with my boyfriend, watch shows or Youtube stuff to feel better, or even play a game if we had enough energy. He also goes through a lot and it's good that we have each other to support, I'm thankful for that.
I tried to stay away from social media and my art pages, seeing new submissions would make me feel bad and like I was stuck in time, not doing the best I could, etc. Same went for friends showing the pretty side of their lives while I was stuck here alone for now (It's a long story, but it's still not time to move in together with my boyfriend or else we would have done it already. It's complicated). Depression is also a biatch.
I even started playing Final Fantasy Tactics A2 again, a silly old nintendo DS game I loved to play, and while I played it, it was like I was away from everything and could be the guy in that rpg universe for some time, which I don't know if it's good, bad or sad, I don't know, but it made me happy. I am also on sleeping meds, which is making me more sleepy, messes a lot with focus at times.
I also have to apologize to my patrons for the lack of updates, it's totally ok if you decide to not pledge for July and I will completely understand. In fact, I was expecting the patron counter to be at almost zero when I came back, I'm really surprised... Thank you guys so much for staying and supporting, thank you.
The good side of this whole month experience is that I’ve been able to see the start of the solution for some of the problems I have, and even made some plans with Gabe like making a comic together in the future. It made me see both art and life in new ways and like Gabe always says, we can always take something good out of something bad that happened in our lives. Something else was that this was my "forced vacation" as if my boss wanted me to relax and be away for some time in order to keep being the best I can, without the needing to work
Life’s a rollercoaster.
I hope you didn't miss me much and are not mad at me. But this journal is sort of like announcing my official return, and I hope to get back on track like it used to be.
Ah! I almost forgot, both my and my sister’s birthdays were this month! Mine was on the 24th and hers is on the 30th, I made this jello pudding thing for myself: https://twitter.com/ZetaHaru/status/757345227380236289 but ended up bringing it to my sister's friend place and they ended up singing happy bday and stuff, which I was not expecting, I also got this funny doodle from Wagnermutt: https://twitter.com/WagnerMutt/status/757650005217910784 My sis’s party is in a few days and I will be helping her with a party and stuff, and she will be helping me later with a ride to buy my food for the month. We'll still be exchanging a few favors till the month ends in order to fix the stuff we both need to, without the aid of our parents. So I guess really there won't be posts in the month of july, I'll be busy and spending a few days on sis place which makes work very difficult
Well that's it for the journal. Again, I'm sorry for vanishing and I hope things are ok. See ya next time!
For what its worth, I missed you and probably a majority of your other watchers as well - so welcome back! I thought you dropped off the end of the internet-Earth and moved on from furry arts, but I'm glad to see you're getting on the right track again! I'll be sure to reinstate my patron pledge for this month :D and welcome back again, we're glad you're with us
For what its worth, I missed you and probably a majority of your other watchers as well - so welcome
Happy B-Day, boyo! For what its worth, you made the right decision with your father. Im sorry, but at his age he made his bed. Now he gets to sleep in it. If he needs money that bad, then he needs to get a proper loan. If he is unable to get a loan, then its just proof that he lacks the ability to pay you back. Never loan money to friends or family. Rarely will you see it again. If a friends needs cash, I consider it a gift. The funny thing is, when somebody owes you something, they grow to detest you when you ask for whats owed. Id rather people hate a bank, not me personally, when it comes to paying a loan.
Happy B-Day, boyo! For what its worth, you made the right decision with your father. Im sorry, but
Welcome back. Hope you you continue to feel better. If you'd like some sleep advice feel free to give me a poke. As for your father it sounds like his a lot like my mom. Sucks having to say "no" but it happens. Just try to keep in mind, your not only helping yourself learn but also them. Also happy birthday! That jello puddling looks cool and yummy!
Welcome back. Hope you you continue to feel better. If you'd like some sleep advice feel free to giv
Well happy birthday hope all is better or getting close to there now. I feel you on the whole dad issue. Me and that guy don't get along AT ALL. Yours sees you as a fallback, mine sees me as a minus sign in his ledger. Old mans always know how to piss their sons off. At least you got good friends to back you.
Well happy birthday hope all is better or getting close to there now. I feel you on the whole dad is
Can't be mad for you taking a what sounds like much needed hiatus. It's never a crime to deal with your issues first, and worry about followers next.
It's similar to what Matthias said on his daily blogs, about how he doesn't blog everyday and is thankful that his followers are so understanding, and knows that he's more than someone people watch on a screen, he's a human being too with his own issues, and his own life.
As for your father, money and family is always a huge iffy thing and I agree I don't like mixing the two...When it comes down to it, I don't think he hates you, after all he is your father, he may just be a little sour with how things are going on his end at the moment, anger gets the best of us. I'm sure he'll realize how selfish he sounded asking for money from your own hard earned savings that are supporting you and if you had given him money, would have left you in the same situation.
Hoping you start to get more sleep soon, I'm struggling with that myself and as a result have set a earlier bedtime for myself, hoping that if I get in a positive sleep habit it'll get better, wish I could give more advice on sleep issues but like I said, I'm going through them as well :( sorry.
Continue to feel better, and remember to watch out for yourself. Relax, breathe, and take the time to settle anything that you feel may be coming apart in your life.
If your followers have something to say against you worrying about your well being, then forget em.
I already said it, but have another happy birthday from me ^^
You and Gabe both are in my thoughts; sending positive vibes~ You have my support <3
Missed you, Zeta~ Can't be mad for you taking a what sounds like much needed hiatus. It's never a c
Wow, Sorry to hear about all the stress you've been dealing with. Shame we can't all Just get a plastic flamingo and kick the crap out of it to get rid of stress. By the way, if you want a more natural approach to getting a better sleep, Melatonin is good. I get cherry flavored gummies for $4 a bottle. I just chew 2 and I start to feel sleepy and sleep good the rest of the night. Well, feel better and I hope everything works out for you.
Wow, Sorry to hear about all the stress you've been dealing with. Shame we can't all Just get a plas
There's this feeling of futility that sets in when writing a journal entry and it makes sense that you doubted releasing it, so I thank you for letting us know how you are. It may feel self-centered, as if you're just doing it just for yourself, but you're also giving something to your friends and fans. Don't forget that! ^^
Personally, rediscovering a fave game feels re-invigorating. You made it sound like you wanted to escape, but it did its job - it made you happy - so, I just see it as good.
It's great that you and your sis are there for each other, especially now. Hope her party went well! :-) Not to mention, the relationship you and Gabe have continues to help you see a light at the end of any dark tunnel in fresh new ways! I'm sure you'll get new perspectives on creating art by working on a comic together!
Good luck with your goals and taking care of yourself!
There's this feeling of futility that sets in when writing a journal entry and it makes sense that y
