A long time ago, my boyfriend at the time urged me not to post emo journals, i agreed and it was a good idea c: but as a side effect i stopped posting journals altogether.
I haven't left, and i still consider myself a furry, even if i don't post as much as before and even though i have stopped liking a lot of things in the fandom. I still consider myself a furry mainly because i enjoy looking at anthro drawings and i like making them, the rest i prefer to stay away from.
My life hasn't been going as i would like for a long time, school is ok as usual, but my love life and/or lack thereof, makes me depressed. I used to say it was my fault because i didn't look for a partner, but i've been searching and one of two things happen: they aren't interested from the beginning, or they get to know me and then decide they want me as a best friend. So even if i saw myself as someone interesting and "not ugly" my confidence has decreased because of all the rejection. Also i've decided to never have a long distance relationship again, it's hurtful and frustrating.
My wish for love was what drove me to draw initially, i remember being able to make a full colored piece a day, i wasn't very good but i like to think that the feeling went through despite the drawings' quality. After that it was love that inspired me, while i felt it. Now i don't have that inspiration, so that's why i stopped drawing stuff, and when i try to draw, things don't go as i would like.
I've drawn stuff, for special people, but i give those drawings as gifts, i don't scan them, they feel too personal, and i hope no one sees them other than the person i did them for.
So that's the reason i don't draw anymore, that's why i've lost a lot of practice and i can't do stuff i used to be able to make, like couples and scenes.. I can't find it in me to draw porn either, i know i just made one but it was very hard for me to draw, the pose always seemed awkward, the bodies look wrong, i even had a hard time drawing penises lol...
And though i like receiving comments and faves, they don't mean as much as before, sometimes i think i should just stop drawing, I'm not going to get better and though i once wanted to get to be known, now i don't care about that..
So i'm alive and i guess i'm just venting, like i used to. Maybe if someone wants a trade i might be up for it, but it either has to be a friend or maybe someone i watch/like.. i know i'm not that great but i don't like when people just try to get a free drawing u__u
So tl;dr: i'm sad/tired, and i'm willing to do trades with friends/people i watch
8 years, 1 month ago
09 May 2011 23:08 CEST