No, this is not in regards to the Dreamworks cult phenomenon, but a confession journal of all the bad things I've done and all my secrets and the things I've done to get ahead in my life. While I am aware that this will lose some, if not, all my friends, I want this goodbye from the fandom to at least be on a note that everyone likes: the Truth.
1. When I was 12, I printed a picture of a naked woman and when the teacher asked, I put blame on a fellow classmate. While he didn't get suspended or detention, he got labeled the school pervert.
2. In 2010, I lost my virginity to a friend because I felt insecure about being a virgin and also I was unaware that my phimosic foreskin was an issue
3. I've tried quitting smoking 3 times, with this time being especially hard since I'm broke
4. Back in 2011, I was diagnosed with the Human Papilloma Virus after returning from Megaplex and noticing genital warts on my perianal. I was with my boyfriend at the time, and I did put blame on him. After research, I found out that I got it from ether past contact or herediatry lines. But since HPV is common (about 80% of everyone has a strain of it) and only about 1% of male carriers get the warts, I kept silent about it for a while. I didn't sleep around for months knowing my risks. But I had my Gardasil shots and got rid of the warts as of October 2011. I hit my two-years mark without signs of warts and my doctors gave me the green light as of March 2012. Yet the fact that I hid this past is enough to get people angry. And I understand
5. I have a bad habit of disconnecting with people. Like I would talk to them for a while, then the conversations would be less frequent, then on some form of social media, I notice that I'm out of their mind. While I can get angry and jealous about that, it's my own damn fault for being not interesting or having many hobbies or any relating topics to others. Like who'd want to discuss history, Sailor Moon, and math in the fandom anyway?
6. My family is not the assholes as I painted them as. Going back to my last point, I felt a distance from them after three incidents: when my mother and her daughters forced me to watch my brother and sister fight each other when I was 10, when they had my brother arrested on my 12th Birthday, and when my brother and sister introduced me to our birth family on my 16th Birthday when they known them for 2 years prior. While they are now accepting of my sexual orientation, the fact that they keep silent of it irks me. It made me feel as if they weren't proud of homosexuals. Hell, my niece years back got berated by her mother and her grandmother when they suspected her of being a lesbian when she had a bisexual friend. But no, they didn't send me to a group home. No they did not cut me out their lives. I was just being a brat about my family not giving me a place to stay. Maybe because I don't know how to express myself to them because I feel resentful towards them. Maybe I should be more grateful that they didn't toss me out in the street despite not being their child. Maybe this resentment and the grudge I bear just clouds my mind to who they really are. Or maybe because I feel so foreign to them as a result of being adopted, that I just want to cut ties with them completely, not knowing their true value.
7. I have been called verbally abusive in the past and as a result, I was raised to be silent and that I should keep to myself unless being talked to. I kept things bottled in and in time, it explodes. It did on my family, it did on friends and roommates I have, and it does on my mental stability. I said things in the last few years that others call "smart comments." It's only because I don't know how to fight with my fists and all I know to combat myself is with my words. Yet this leads to backfiring results nine times out of ten. Maybe this explains why I can be so socially awkward at times, or just how much my silence gives me more value than me speaking. Maybe I post all my feelings online because I don't know how to trust or how to love. I know it pisses people off to see my business, but if you know a better method of expressing myself or know someone who can listen I'd love to hear it... There I go, snapping at people again.
8. I am currently in debt, yet chosen not to attend any conventions until the big debts are paid off.
9. As a result of such debts, I am now quitting smoking because I can't afford it. The lack of nicotine is driving me nuts. Perhaps that's the inspiration for this journal, but I digress.
10. I flirted with a guy that is now my current roommate. I was in a mentally unstable state at the time where suppressed memories were returning and I had no one to turn to. I flirted with him so I could live in his house, speaking of sex as a way to be of use. Talking about finding a job and paying back when I can. While the latter is true, I did lead him on so that I could find a more quiet and stable place to stay and start my life over in a new place. I even enticed the possibility of a relationship. All of that is my biggest regret. I did not mean to lead him on, yet I did and that makes me a scumbag. And when he sees this, I know I'm gonna get my ass handed to me for the lies, which is why I began packing after this journal in the event I am justfully removed.
11. I just got a job at Dollar General in Carlisle, IN for those that want to see me or crucify me for my wayward actions.
Long story short, I'm a fucked up person. I'm not asking for forgiveness because what I've done is unforgivable. I don't ask for pity nor do I wish for sympathy. It's best that a mess and a fuck-up like me just leaves. I'm sure no one will notice.
