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RoareyRaccoon

Don't mind me, just venting.

I'll probably look like a complete idiot and melodramatic for this but I pretty much need to get this off my chest. I'm not looking for advice or anything from anyone, I'm just sick of keeping things to myself. Basically, I'm tired. There comes a point, now and then, when you can't keep being tough all the time and things get on top of you. I can't just 'get over it' or put a nice smile on my face and walk it off. I've had depression for around 20 years now, which I've probably mentioned before, but I want to be more specific. Even though I have people in my life I'm still absolutely consumed with loneliness. My mood is so completely awful that it's like being a rat in a Skinner box, prodded with pain all the time, so I'm beginning to absolutely hate everything. I'm getting random jolts of inappropriate aggression towards the most mundane, inconsequential shit and it's really not a nice feeling. Communicating with people online has no intimacy, no real substance to it for me, so I hate that shit too. Most days I really do just want to die and it's only my rationality and experience as someone having these feelings for a long time that's prevented me from going through with suicide. I don't honestly see myself committing suicide but that doesn't mean that I don't think about it near enough every day.

Whatever baggage I've been carrying around with me over the years and the people I've cared about who've died, there's one thing in particular which has been fucking with me since last year. It's probably going to sound fucking stupid or something and on it's own I wouldn't be this badly affected by it, but my god I can't put into words how much this hurts. I had my guinea pig put to sleep last year after he'd been in a lot of pain and wasn't going to recover. I was assured this was the right thing to do given his suffering and I'm sure on some level it was. But I sat up night after night with him, trying to nurse him back to health and I loved this little fucking thing so much. He felt like a little child to me and it was my job to love him and care for him and one day I signed a fucking piece of paper giving someone permission to end his life. The vet told me he'd have to inject lethal poison directly into his heart and I wish to god, to christ, he'd never told me that. My guinea pig  came up to me on the vets table and put his front paws on my stomach, as if he was either seeking my protection or saying goodbye. My understanding of animals tells me he couldn't have been thinking about something so deep but I don't fucking know what happened or why. I just saw him carried away and moments later he was lying there dead in front of me, the white of his little eyes showing and my heart broke in two. I killed someone I loved so much and I can't forgive myself. I've cried every night since the day he died, in September last year.

When you're on the outside looking in at someone describing the loss of a pet it's easy to think "it's just an animal, jesus". I've thought the same thing before, in the past. You do form a loving bond with your pets but it's part of life to see them go and sometimes you have to help them along when they're suffering (I've had many pets over the years and I've been sad when they've died, but not like this). I've seen some shit in my life and I've had a lot of fucking shit happen over the years; maybe this is just the proverbial icing on the cake, a loss on top of losses that's marked the point of breaking for me. I am so tired of waking up every day and thinking about the inevitability of death, the inevitability of everything ever said and done just disintegrating and drifting off somewhere in space. Occasionally I find a certain sort of beauty and spiritual peace with the idea of entropy, the idea we're all made of stars. But to someone like me, with depression for so long, it all just looks like shit. Occasionally I curse my parents for having created me, that they would knowingly produce another life, a life destined to end. Thoughts like this and darker, endless horrific scenarios that play in my head have plagued and tormented me for years. I think the worst part, though, is that nagging, niggling feeling that maybe I'm just a weak person, that this is all melodramatic rubbish with me, mr snivel, at the center of it. The worse you feel the more alienated from others you become, the more they dislike you and the more you hate yourself; it's a self-perpetuating spiral of shit.

If there ever was a platitude that were true it's "Shit Happens.".  It doesn't necessarily get better and sometimes there's no green pastures ahead or special inspiring moment that will set you free. Sometimes shit just happens and you're fucked. The only thing you can do is carry on. Carry on I will. But, fuck me, it aint half hard sometimes.

Thanks for reading, just don't try to give me advice or soppy hugs etc, I really hate it.
Viewed: 306 times
Added: 5 years, 3 months ago
 
martianboomboom
5 years, 3 months ago
Damn dude. Just....damn.
shadycat
5 years, 3 months ago
No advice. No hugs. You made a decision based on the information at hand and now you're living with it. The fact that it still haunts you suggests that you didn't make it lightly. It also suggests you are still engaged with life. Keep on keepin' on as the kids used to say.
wolfking
5 years, 3 months ago
life is life bud sometimes we get a bad hand other we get a good hand just how live is. I taught myself that I keep fighting no matter how things seems bad I keep going I keep pushing myself to get to where I want to be. I live my life free and out of open with no regrets. Has I tell my friends Im going to tell how things were and hoe thing are going to be if I hurts your feeling sorry but that's life.
soggymaster
5 years, 3 months ago
It saddens me to hear this, because in a way I feel very much the same way.  In fact, last night I found a couple pictures of my cat laying contently on my lap before he got sick, the same cat who lost his battle with cancer almost exactly one year ago.

As much as I knew it was inevitable, and as much as I would be sad and possibly even cry over it, I knew that there was going to be one time when my father was going to take him to the vet and not return with him.  In a way, I'm glad I chose not to go with him on that very trip.
Granted I accepted the very high possibility of him loosing his battle when I had him here at my house, just observing his obviously painful struggles of just moving around the house.
Just weeks before his passing, there were a few things that were brand new to him that he seemed to accept - things that if we had to do when he was younger, I would have likely needed welding safety gear to do.
One time I put him in my truck and drove around the block.  He got 10 houses down before he wanted out.  When he started getting sick was during the middle of our move.  We had a pet carrier, but he wanted out.  It turns out that he actually LIKED to travel.  The couple times that we did bring him out here to the new house and the house where he lived most of his life, he was perfectly happy with spending time either riding shotgun or laying on the dash.
He came down with a bad case of fleas, to the point where we needed to bathe him and not just because of the fleas.  Although I know for a fact he did NOT like the fact that I was giving him a bath, he accepted it.
It's possible that near the end, he knew his time with us was drawing to a close and made every effort to make both myself and my father remember him fondly by.

I still don't have a pet.  Yes, I'd love to have a cat or even a dog, but I seriously doubt that I'll have such fond memories of any new pet than I will the cat who I lost last year.
Bianca
5 years, 3 months ago
In a couple billion years the sun will have grown enough that its size will have reached that of Earth's current orbit.

There's going to a point where the universe reaches it's maximum expansion and begins to cool off, everything shall be ice.

At any point in time we may be hit by any number of cosmic events such as radiation bursts from dying stars, asteroids, pockets of high radiation and intense heat..

http://imgur.com/gallery/ftBC59p
Meergoose
5 years, 3 months ago
Hopelessness, loneliness and that feeling of unfulfillment in life. Sounds all too familiar.

I had a cat that I raised growing up that had to be put down, but I wasn't there when it happened to say goodbye. Ate away at myself for years because of it. After hearing your story though... I think maybe it was for the best.

That was a good read, thanks.
AlexCoon
5 years, 3 months ago
You're not the only one.
You must find that answer you're searching.
No hugs this time, i respect that.
My best wishes for you Roarey
MrSOCKS
5 years, 3 months ago
I fully read this testimonial, and, respecting the final wish above, will not say anything further.
Dysnomia
5 years, 3 months ago
My dad's cat Pretty Paws had to be put down too. He had feline leukemia and at the end I was afraid to even pet him because his spine stuck out that much from his back. But he always wanted to sit in my lap and purr, and even when his eyes got really icky, he'd patiently sit there and let me clean them...

Now all this has me crying...but it's a good cry c': Thanks for this, Roarey......you're a good person c:
bolshevictor
5 years, 3 months ago
Sounds like you're doing just fine, dude.
RoareyRaccoon
5 years, 3 months ago
Haha! Indeed.
Javier
5 years, 3 months ago
Well. I can somewhat relate and can say, that after a similar situation... took me about 9 years to even talk about it without going to pieces. I have to say the "it gets better" really means you learn to live with the pain and how to slowly move on with life. Our finale in this world will come, and as we come and go so will others.

Have I been in my own lost world yes, there have inevitably people who have aided me and without them sitting in the dark would have been worse, but I can say eventually, you will feel somewhat better.

Not sure if I should say much else, I rarely talk publicly about this. Just keep a little beacon of hope that maybe things do get better.
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
"My mood is so completely awful that it's like being a rat in a Skinner box, prodded with pain all the time, so I'm beginning to absolutely hate everything."

Welcome to MY world. I wish you weren't here, but now that you let me know you are... I just hope I can help you feel better about being here *hugs*
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
The ONLY bit of advice I will give is: do NOT start drinking. It's given me immediate comfort, but none of my furry friends actually care enough to try and help a drunkard.
RoareyRaccoon
5 years, 3 months ago
Haha, no chance of that, I hate being drunk XP.
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
GOOD!

I... I actually LIKE it. It's a replacement for being stoned. When I am stoned, I am more "me" then I am, otherwise.

But you are saving yourself a lot of pain. You are my friend, and so I am glad for that. Even if you don't pay enough attention to my own journals.
RoareyRaccoon
5 years, 3 months ago
Yeah most people love being drunk/stoned/high/whatever, it's generally a good feeling. Anything like that though, a forced, drug-induced loss of control gets me extremely nervous and irritable, so I don't enjoy it XP. Weed actually makes me pissed off and scared, haha.
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
Wow. Weird.

Weed ... it helps calm a lot of my insomniac tendencies... as well as a lot of my irritability towards society in general. Whilst stoned, people who drive by blasting their bass so lout that it disturbed the dead do not piss me off so much.
RoareyRaccoon
5 years, 3 months ago
I'm glad I hate weed, both my brother and mother are addicted to weed and can't get through the day without being stoned. I smoke cigarettes so it's not like I'm healthy or anything, but long term use of weed every day does some fucked up shit and I don't want to deal with that on top of everything else.
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
I am a stoner by nature, yet have been years without it. Hey, it helped me a lot... but my government hates it (probably for reasons that you expressed about your family), and so, I am screwed over yet again, because stupid people abuse stuff that they would be better off without.

Not all people who do it become better people from it. In short.
RoareyRaccoon
5 years, 3 months ago
The way I look at drugs is basically it's not up to me what people want to take or use, it should be up to them. People who get trapped by drugs need help, not punishment and responsible drug users should be left to live their own lives. I only take issue with drug use when the user is screwing over other people to support their habit.
HeavyheartHare
5 years, 3 months ago
That is fair.
fredsite
5 years, 3 months ago
I feel so bad for you. It really sucks to be depressed. I have a bit of an idea of what you feel. I've been prescribed Adderal for my ADHD, and I just can't take it anymore. For some reason it forces me into a deep depression. It takes away one of my favorite things about life, my happiness. It helps a little with keeping me focused, but at the cost of making me feel like shit. I understand that I probably am not going through the same thing as you, but I still understand how you feel.

Now I can't stop thinking about my dog and two pet rats, all of which died within the same year, but its alright. I will get over it.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know it can be hard. I've never been able to do stuff like this with anyone, let alone on the internet because I have just been too afraid to. Although I never like to see others unhappy, I am happy that I came across this journal. You helped me say things that I probably would have let simmer for a much longer time. I've been hesitating to say something like this to someone, and probably never would have if it weren't for you. Although you brought back unhappy memories for me, it was worth it. Thanks.
AlexanderPony
5 years, 3 months ago
I know how you feel on your pet guinea pig I had a dog bassett beagal mix put to sleep I love that dog and pets are members of your family it hard to let them go seeya bro
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