So many things going on with me, so little time to describe them all!
For those of you who don't know me, let me give you a basic rundown. I have mild Aspergers, Severe Depression, and mild Schizo-Affective dissorders. I've been on medication most of my life... a lot of medications. The end result is that I have a splintered personality, one with many sets of perspectives, feelings, morals and ideologies. They aren't seperate or split personalities though, where they're all independant, instead they're all blended together in various ways in me. This makes for a lot of conflict and inner turmoil, but it also makes for a lot of interesting possibilities.
Lately I've been adjusting my medications a bit, trying to get a little more in touch with all the various sides of myself, trying to figure out who I am, what I want, what I should be. I've been rediscovering my creativity, my interests, my exuberance in life, and it's been absolutly amazing doing so. It's as though you wake up one morning and suddenly see a whole range of incredible, indescribable colors that you never saw before, flavors that weren't there, sounds and feelings that you never knew existed. Yet with all that brilliance and vibrant sensation is pain, dispair, frustration, agony. Anger and hatred that roil just onder the surface, looking for a chance to escape; a hot rage that surges through my veins just waiting for an excuse to explode.
So many feelings, so many contrasts... I'm just beginning to realise how many sides I have, how many ways I can behave, and how many different kinds of people I can be. It's overwhelming, trying to sort them all out. How can I choose? The simple answer is, I don't! All of these things, all of these behaviors and feelings and wants and desires are a part of me, even the ones that conflict and can't exist together. They come and go in cycles a few elements at a time, blending together one way, then shifting to something completely different.
Right now is a scary time for me. I don't know who or what I really am. I don't know what my limits are, or what specific personality is in charge at one moment or the next. I'm just riding through it, trying to put the pieces together, trying to decide how I want to end up.
What feelings do I want, what kind of attitude, what kind of reactions, what kind of sensations or emotions? I find myself asking some very bizar questions. What kind of sympathy do I want to have with other people? How much anger do I need? What kind of sexuality do I want, if any at all? Weird questions.... Impossible questions.... Questions we aren't normally supposed to face..... Yet these are the kinds of questions I have to find answers to as I go along.
Right now I'm just at the beginning. As things happen I may change a lot. I may seem like a different person some times, and do or say things you might not expect. Sometimes I may be an asshole, others I might be a saint. Lots of times I'll probably be an idiot.... but at least I hope now you'll understand why, and be patient enough to forgive my antics.
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13 years ago
23 Apr 2011 06:47 CEST
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