Could anyone please answer this question?

"Why is it so common/normal for one to go into a relationship with someone, to see if one wants to be in a relationship with said someone."
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that's the question everything after this is more of an explanation for why i'm asking:

I figure it would be good to get other peoples opinions on this issue.

This has stemmed from a fear I've had since a very young age that has seemingly screwed up any chances at a love life. I never understood why my friends were so eager to have boyfriends or girlfriends since it looked like every time they jumped into a relationship they did it with someone whom they either just met... or were sorta friends with but didn't know them all too well. Guess what happened to each relationship... Breakups...

Oh the age of breakups I somehow experience through the numerous relationships OTHERS have had... each time I thought "What did you expect!? you had NO idea if you loved this person or not and you decided to date them anyway! Why are you so upset that it didn't work out!?", of course, as the shoulder to cry on friend, it would be irresponsible of me to be so blunt with them. (in my opinion).

But looking back it feels like I went through several break ups without once being in an actual relationship, all the unpleasantness of the ending wreak without ever once feeling any sort of pleasure from the actual relationship. I've been asked out by girls before and most situations i've turned them down because I either didn't know them, or I KNEW I didn't love them. (Except the first time... cuz i was in 5th grade and THAT time can be explained because A. I knew I had no knowledge on how to be a good boyfriend B. I had seen a few breakups by that point C. I actually liked this girl and didn't want to ruin any chances with her by dating her so early in our lifetimes.)

Well... turning her down in 5th grade in hopes of dating later on didn't work... because after that I got Friend zoned from 6th grade to High school graduation. ( Being a sheltered "Nice Guy" tends to get that result in most people it seems . ~ .; )

So I ask this... why is dating what people do to FIND OUT if they love the person... To me it is something to do when you've FOUND OUT you love the person... And I know that if i want to ever successfully date who I'm in love with, I really really really don't want to have it flop like all the other relationships I've witnessed.

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Added:	12 years ago 10 Jun 2013 15:01 CEST

2 Comments on this Journal

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Darkdeathgoddes

12 years ago

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Every person you come in contact with is a relationship. That's why you can have the "break up" feeling without actually having a dating relationship. People are social creatures and as such, experiment with situations (if they realize it or not). The people we become are made by the people we choose to hang out with. Dating to me isn't about the physical relationship, but more the willingness to spend more time with that one person than anyone else. The physical part is nice (and most of the time why people "date") but to me you can't know you love someone unless you hang out with them and get to know them. Also, when you don't "date" people have this weird perception that you don't ever want to date them and you get in the friend zone (like your situation). Unless you explain to them that you are interested, but would like to remain friends and see how it goes, they won't know. And society has bred us to think there is something wrong with that.

This is all speculation of course. ^^;

jasfoifewahkvbaweuyiva

12 years ago

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I think a lot of it is related to social pressures. Thinking about this pressure, it always seemed like the "standard" approach goes-a like-a dis:
1. People hang out in various places and two individuals think "I think I suddenly connect a bit deeper with this other person" / "that person's hot" / whatever they think
2. This connection needs to be explored pretty much immediately and in relative privacy from the normal friend group.
3. This time spent "getting to know each other" almost immediately disintegrates into a mainly sexual relationship (esp in high school college etc)

Mostly I don't think people know themselves well enough to responsibly date.

I've always impulsively felt exactly as you do: dating is something I've only ever felt like I should do if I am actually in love with the person I'm dating.

We have conversations to handle all the "getting to know you better" stuff, and those can and should happen anywhere, organically.

I think due to social pressure, and lack of understanding/examples of successful and healing relationships, a lot people pretty quickly calculate that the only remaining value in other people is wether or not you get to screw them. Thus dating within our culture appears to really suck and be awful, when it should probably be a no-big-deal thing that loving people do together to enjoy their lives.

My boyfriend and I met online (of course) and we took the "talk about everything for 2 years" route to our relationship. In our case, the relationship gets better every day, month, year, and whatever or there time designation we require. I think it's worked for us, I reckon it would work for a lot more people, too.

Just my two dollars. :3 Good job recognizing this stuff so early, helps me to hear others who have internalized this kind of thing.

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