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sirkain

Fighting many battles (vent journal)

Just a fair warning to whomever tries to read all of this. The topics will go many directions. Guess you can call it a 'vent' journal of sorts. There has been a lot on my mind lately and my therapist taught me to vent when feeling really stressed. So, that's what this is for.  

Guess lets start with some of the things that some probably know about going on in my life lately that’s causing some stress – My house.  I have five currently living here as I type this. Four of them are leaving.  The house condition is pretty shitty, and have a lot now to fix. Roach problems (have Orkin on contract, but that’s been a joke lately), rooms in rough shape and time for repairs. Busted tiles and messed entryway.  Cabinets falling apart.  Deck needing repairs and maintenance.  My garage is a wreck.  The furniture in the common areas needs to be thrown out... Just to name a few things going to hell there.  Money will be tighter cause of less here and the repairs on top for a while...

But, its something I know will get fixed and got help on that. While a stress, I know its fixable.  Just will take some time and elbow grease.

Earlier this month I had a big scary stressful thing hit me – one of my cats Michelle got very, very ill.  An ER visit and many vet visits and a 3k$ bill later, she has thankfully recovered. Fatty Liver is what seemed to be what she had.  This on top of the roommate situation had be very high strung for over half the month.  

But as before, time helped correct that, along with much praying from me and others. I hope that’s the last of that scare.

Related to that incident, my credit card that has a pretty big limit on it.... One I didn’t expect to ever see get maxed out again, is pretty much maxed out now. Over 20 grand. 20K$+. WTF.  I planned to end of October next year when my current loan I used to get the truck engine and such is paid off I was going to get another and move what credit debt I could to it.  But now I need to go see if I can do that plan sooner... And that’s not the only card I have debt on. Its the biggest, but not the only.  When people are out of the house and I can get clearer picture of my flow of what comes in and what I have to pay/going out hopefully can keep that in much better check.  

A tougher thing to fix, but again.. it CAN be fixed.  If I stick to it, for once.

I also have an addiction. No, not to booze. No, not to MLP. Commissions.  Getting artwork made... That I do have an addiction to and its been one hell of an addiction past few months that’s been near impossible to cut back on.  Its been one reason finances are a little messed up but we're talking a small amount compared to other splurges or issues (roommates not paying on time/in full for example and utilities slam my account).  It's a fun. It helps me de-stress and smile.  The interacting with the artists and forming a cool idea to get drawn and see it come to be.  It is also so, so much tougher to just say no to, now with many doing streams and commissions done on the spot start to finish in session. For a good price.  “Just one more than that’s it for the month' I will think... until next stream or opportunity shows.  And then another... and another. And an artist that rarely takes commissions I like now open.. FFFFFF...

This.. I HOPE I can get in control.

Now on to the things that have both been recent obstacles for me, and at the same time old, deep wounds that are being re-opened by choice or by force.

Art.  I love and appreciate it. It shows with all the commissions I get and with chatting and learning stuff from artists on how they draw or tackle some things out of curiosity.  But me drawing? I USED to like it. Decades ago.  Ever since then its been a wretched, un-fun stressful temper-inducing hell I most of the time never care to go back to again.  I have tried a couple times since 1990 to draw again, but shortly after lost the care to deal with those problems again.  It wasn’t making me happy at all.  Just making me more mad and frustrated.  But recently (past 6 months or so), I have been starting to miss those days back when I did draw, and I liked it. I had inspiration, a muse... IDEAS.  Even if shit craptastic ideas. I had them. And I would draw them.  I have a good friend moving in here in a couple months for a while, and he draws all the time.  Sometimes others will visit who also draw when he is here and do a little art jam. When those happened I was feeling so, SO close to picking up a pencil and just.. doodle stuff. So I HOPE with him here for a while he can help keep me focused and motivated to just draw again. I'm starting from square 1 again. No skills, no ideas on what to do or focus on, nothing.  No muse, either.  

This, is going to be a bitch to overcome.  A big one for me.  Temper to try to keep tame. Focus to maintain and the drive.  Devoting time into it. Not just expect it to magically happen. I will need help on this. But, I think this I can eventually overcome.

But my darkest problem that’s been a haunt, huge stress and a fear all wrapped into one that’s starting to get even worse lately? Love. Relationships. Lifetime partner/Companionship. Dating. Sex. That stuff...  Most of you cant even begin to imagine how much of a hellish nightmare and fear this is for me, and has been always.

I get lonely. That’s human nature.  Friends to hang with usually solves that, but sometimes your loneliness is wanting something deeper or more intimate than what friends can really offer.  So when I run across someone If ind an attraction to, I try to know them better, and see if the feeling is mutual. Go from there. Hoping maybe this person can help fill in the empty hole(s) in m heart I cant seem to fill otherwise.  Like affection. Hugs, cuddling when wanting or need it.  Someone to share experiences with.  Someone to come home to.  What I think I want....

But after a recent experience I had where someone I very recently met followed me home from a party and got a lot of what I haven’t had in years felt good..... until I woke up next morning with alcohol worn off and got very uncomfortable and scared and never contacted the person again after he left.  And this person liked me, was cute etc...

So.. I don’t know WTF to think anymore with my heart and how to handle love or anything. I never do.  I can handle friendship very well. But when it comes to deeper stuff? Shit. I'm so broken it isn’t funny. And I have no idea why, or if to bother fixing it or just go on being single and just find other ways to curve the occasional lonely spells that creep up friends cant satisfy.

I'll find someone that starts to really charm me to where I’ll try to brave those hells and see if this person may work out.  Only to get shut down for some reason or another after getting my hopes up.  If not that scenario, then like what happened with guy following me home from a party that was willing to give me the stuff I usually seek someone out for I want in a relationship.  Seems like if i cant have it I want it.. but when its given to me I freak out. I don’t get it. I really don’t.  I know trust issues is some of the issue, but a lot of this shit I don’t get. Therapist tried to help me on ti too but didn’t get too far on these issues. Just with how I should handle a person I was currently dating at the time.

So, these are pretty much most of the issues I am dealing with that have been stressing me and making me not at ease for a while.  All at once.  I just don’t know what to do for the very last topic I touched on.  I never seem to. Going at it blindly or winging it does NOT work for me.  Logic isn’t working either. Nothing seems to be working. Except just getting mad at myself for being so fucked up and broken in that regard, kicking my emotions back into the closet and lock and bar it back up until it starts making a lot of noise again. I hate this and fear this about me, and I hate having my heart messed with, and especially messing with another's carelessly.

Viewed: 15 times
Added: 5 years, 9 months ago
 
Sangy
5 years, 9 months ago
I know we don't really talk anymore, but I try to pay attention... Didn't know things had gotten so bad out there, though. :(

I used to know you, I think, pretty well, and you're one of the more resourceful people I've ever known so I don't doubt that finances will get worked out, eventually. Of greater concern to me is hearing that the same things from back when I lived there are still going on (ie people slowly trashing your house). I had hoped you'd managed to find some responsible housemates, but I guess people who rent a room are rarely responsible.

As far as love...companionship...whatever... Don't worry, just don't close yourself off. I'm not sure how well you got to know me while I was out there, but I'm not the most caring/sharing person around. In spite of that, I am managing not to be alone. It's all a matter of stumbling onto a person that you appreciate being around day-in & day-out. For some, love is a beautiful, romantic thing... For some, it's more like a satisfying arrangement between people who like being with one another.
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