The first one ("Actually, the grass is touching me, right now... inappropriately.") reminds me of some liff:
"
† huish,n. The light brushing of wind, plant, or insect against the bare bottom of a woman crouching for a Gussage All Saints* in the woods. ~ Afterliff
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"
* Gussage All Saints,n. The curses and contortions of a woman peeing in the woods as she tries to avoid her shoes or a huish.†
The first one ("Actually, the grass is touching me, right now... inappropriately.") reminds me of so