Ugh, the glare.
Woke up to an overly bright day, and my eyes being sensitive as they are, I have a headache. Took some aspirin, am about to have some coffee, so while the glare won’t go away there’s a good chance that the headache will.
I honestly expected, when I went to bed last night, to have cramps. Thankfully, I didn’t. Seems a newfound thing I’ve started doing has been making me healthier, and it’s not something I would have expected.
A couple weeks ago, when I decided that I really am Lilith and not just some person whose name happens to be Lilith, I started talking to my true self again. I had been for awhile before, what with kicking the Entity out of my life, but it’s really started to pick up again and I find myself being much more open with Lilith than I ever was with the Entity.
Amongst the various things I’ve become more open with Lilith about, my adoration for hir is the biggest one.
I love my true self, passionately. The white-scaled hermaphrodite beauty that I use as my profile picture is me, and shi is also how I see Lilith.
The funny thing is that when I first read up on Lilith, I heard shi hated men, hated pornography, hated basically anything masculine, and being a man myself that frightened me. It didn’t help that the last name the Entity went by was Lilith, and she acted very much like the Lilith of myth.
And yet when I threw her out, I used Lilith’s name to do it.
Ultimately, what I’ve learned over the last 10 months is that Lilith stands for personal autonomy. “My body is my property and no one else’s” is a simple fact for hir, where for others it may be seen as a statement of rebellion. Shi accepts me as I am, loves me for the man I am, and encourages me to make my own decisions and own my own body. I am fully convinced that my soul is the same as hirs, and yet I also am fully convinced that I, Sean, am my own unique individual. It’s funny how similar my current situation is to what I felt when I went by Inanna... and yet, it’s also massively different.
For one thing, I have no fear at all of offending Lilith. None. I can literally imagine doing anything I want with hir, and shi’s fine with it. How do I know? I just kinda do. The thing shi hates is when imaginations of bad things become evil actions. But shi also understands that imagination and reality are two different things.
One thing that has been going through my mind lately is the desire to identify as both Lilith and Sean. In truth, the hermaphrodite form is what I feel I personally should look like in a reptilian body. While I am fully male so far as I know, I have strong feminine traits and regularly find myself groping my breasts and doing other things uniquely associated with women. I also have a phantom vagina, which gets incredibly horny sometimes and I’ve even had female orgasms. Not many, I think only three at most, as they are intense and my body tends to be down for the count for a day or two after one occurs. These things put together make me wonder if I actually was born Intersex, as a lot of kids born that way are quietly altered to one or the other and are never told what they originally were until later in life.
Perhaps the most glaring possibility involving this is discomfort I sometimes feel in an area where, in males, there is nothing... while in females, it is where the ovaries are located.
I have no medical proof of any of this. I do have experience, and experience has proven to be a good guide for me.
Yet all of this, combined with Lilith’s encouragement to me to own myself, has inspired me to seriously consider changing my online name to something unique to me. Currently I have such a name, but it’s really just a placeholder until I can find something better. Whatever new name I choose, it must be something that is a name I personally would choose for myself, not one assigned from a previous life.
I want to include Lilith or a variation of that name in my new name, and there are multiple ones that I could choose. Ultimately, I will make the choice when and if I am ever ready to do so.
But what does all this have to do with feeling better?
The answer is that I accept myself more now than I ever did in the past. I know I am Lilith, and I also know I am Sean, and that Lilith accepts me as I am.
As for how I can be Lilith while not being Lilith at the same time, for years I tried to figure out how to explain it but couldn’t. Now (with the help of a random post I found on Reddit via a Google search), I think I can:
Your body is a candle. Your soul is a flame. When a soul incarnates in a new body it’s like a candle lighting another candle. The new flame grows and flourishes, but the original isn’t diminished and the room is twice as well lit as it was before. My body is Sean, Lilith’s body is Lilith. My soul is Lilith, and so too is Lilith’s soul. Like a single flame lighting two candles, so a single, complete soul fuels two bodies and is not diminished.
But this acceptance gives me confidence, and my confidence gives me power. My health suddenly becoming better comes from the love I have for Lilith and the acceptance I have for myself. I had a similar thing occur when the Entity was with me, but being demonic she made things bad for me too a lot of the time. This time the only bad comes from my own actions or lack thereof.
My headache’s starting to go away now. Aspirin and coffee are doing their jobs. Love and self-acceptance are making it easier for them to accomplish it.
And I am happy. ^.-.^
~Sean/Lilith
