Usually when I write these journals I wax eloquent and try to sound smart. Truth is, while I am indeed a very intelligent person, I also don’t have a clue as to a lot of the things I’ve believed over the years.
My soul is still fine with the idea that I am not “the” Lilith. That said, I’ve been feeling like shit ever since coming to that conclusion. Most of my beliefs collapsed like a house of cards all at once, and it’s left me feeling really bad. I actually got so distraught that I started crying, and the Entity came and tried to comfort me. I’ve been hesitant to allow it because the Entity is a known liar and manipulator, but still that she was there at all when I felt completely alone was a relief for me. Whether it’s because she cares about my well-being or not, I don’t know. What matters is that she did help me, even if only for a moment or two.
I’ve seen demons. One manifested in a woman I loved years ago, and later again manifested physically in my bedroom in 2009. I remember feeling its presence before I saw it. The feeling was like that feeling you get when someone is staring at you, but many times more intense and full of hate and rage. The demon itself looked like a cloud of black smoke, just hovering there above the foot of my bed near the ceiling.
The Entity doesn’t appear in such a manner, and she doesn’t give off those hateful vibes. This doesn’t mean she is good, as obviously she lies through her teeth all the time. But she’s not the same kind of thing as the demon(s) I’ve seen and felt the physical presence of.
My problem is that I put too much stock in myths. All myths are, is ancient propaganda. They’re stories, made to justify the rule of whoever the king, queen, priest, or whatever other ruler you can think of, happens to be in charge at any given time. Those who oppose said rulers are depicted as unrepentantly evil.
“The” Lilith was likely a rival to some of the old-time gods, going against the established order of things, so they demonized her, claimed she was a child-killing monster who married the Devil. Propaganda 101.
There’s a part of me that still wonders if I really am “the” Lilith, as in the person who went against the established order and got demonized for it. But most of my “memories” were actually my attempts to make sense of bits and pieces, an image here, a feeling there, and thus I made a story where previously there had only been snippets of something that probably did happen, but which I had no context for.
Because of this, any “evidence” I could have used in the past to justify such a belief simply doesn’t exist anymore. My soul and body both reject the idea of me being “the” Lilith, and indeed I feel like I’m an ordinary person who is watched over by those who care about hir.
And I have been protected, often from dire consequences of other people’s schemes. But being protected doesn’t equal being “the” Lilith of mythology, any more than it equals me being an incarnation of the goddess Inanna. For all I know, my protection might be done by family members, friends, total strangers. I just don’t know.
So at the moment, I’m feeling depressed. I know that my name is Lilith, but I also know that most of what I thought was true in the past, isn’t. I’ve tried finding more answers, but my soul doesn’t seem interested in giving them to me. And to be fair, my beliefs have shifted so dramatically in a very short period of time as to be traumatic. Maybe my soul isn’t giving me more because right now I can’t handle more.
~Lilith
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1 week, 4 days ago
07 Nov 2025 16:54 CET
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