Bowsette’s Princess Lessons
Chapter II: The Woman in the Mirror
By Yu May
“Oh, Bowser, you’re the turtle of my dreams! I’m so lucky to be marrying you!” squealed Princess Peach, trembling with joy in her virginal, white wedding dress.
Bowser heard her voice as though it was from a galaxy away, yet here was her dainty little hand in his, awaiting the wedding ring. “Peach, my love, my Queen, with this ring, I thee wed!”
Just before Bowser could put the ring in place, Peach delicately lifted her ring finger, as if playing keep away from the wedding ring. “Oh, Bowzee, silly! You have to read your vows first! You did remember to bring them, didn’t you?”
Bowser felt butterflies launch a nuclear warhead in his stomach. “Hmm? My vows! Why of course I have them…right here in my tuxedo jacket…”
Bowser pulled a stack of papers, and cleared his throat, only to discover they were in fact the rough draft for the book report he forgot to turn in ten years ago, during his senior year at Koopa Tech. “Oh no! Without this, I can’t graduate! They’ll take away my bachelor’s degree! …Uh, Professor Kolorado? Are you here? I need to turn in my assignment!”
In a panic, Bowser stomped away from the altar, only for Peach to stop him, her voice deepening. “No, darling! I’ve waited so long! Quickly, say your vows before that fuzzy-lipped simp Mario shows up and spoils everything! You must have your vows somewhere?”
At the sight of his true love, Bowser melted. “Of course! For you, my perfect Peachie-Pookie, I would even sacrifice my degree in Pre-Modern Mushroom Kingdom Art and Poetry! Now, as for the vows, I recall I put them in my pants…pocket?”
Bowser reached for the back pocket of his pants, only to discover that he had forgotten to wear pants!
“Hey! The emperor has no pants!” cried a small Goomba child, and everyone laughed. Over the din, Bowser caught the unmistakable sound of two, terrible, wussy Italian accents. Mario and Luigi were doubled over in fits of giggles.
“Look, Mario! Bowser’s pants have gone, ‘Bye bye! Ha ha, Arrivederci!’” howled Luigi!
Mario wiped away tears, between gasps! “Yeah, Luigi! If I were his pants, I’d probably say, ‘So long, Gay Bowser!’”
Steam billowed from Bowser’s nostrils. “Hey! No fair! Do you know how hard it is to find 10XL pants, with holes for a tail?”
“Bowser…you need to wake up…now!” whispered a strange, faraway voice, right in Bowser’s ear.
The King of the Koopas flinched, and turned to discover Peach was the speaker, only something was wrong. Her eyebrows were thicker now. “You…you’re not my Peaches! Who are you?”
The not-Peach flashed a wicked, shark-like smile. “I am you, of course!”
As the former bride-to-be opened her mouth, Bowser felt fear like he’d never known since he’d escaped from his ex-wife. “No! Stay away from me!”
The horrible bride cackled as she grew larger. “Wake up, you fool!”
Bowser tried to run, but his legs only moved in slow motion. He was floating closer and closer to her wide open jaws. She was going to devour him alive!
…
Bowser shot up, feeling something large catch in his throat, gagging him with a burning, bitter taste. Slamming his chest, he hacked until it came up, and spat out a green mushroom, which bounced with a wet slap against the floor. His head was throbbing, and he thought he heard phantom musical notes ringing inside his skull.
Groaning, Bowser examined the thing that had nearly choked him. It was a 1-up Mushroom?
A short, female Toad with pink clothes and ponytails gasped. “Thank goodness, I was worried there for a second. She…uh, he must have his head harder than I thought!”
Bowser didn’t know Toadette by name, but he dimly remembered shoving her out of the way once or twice during his previous attempts to kidnap Princess Peach.
Another voice snorted. It was Mario! “Hmmph! Waste of a perfectly good Life Shroom, if you ask…watch out, Toadette!”
Still seeing stars, Bowser lunged forward, only to smack his face against sturdy iron bars. Mario grasped the young woman by the shoulders and pulled her back from the bars, using his back to shield her from Bowser’s sharp fingernails.
“...Fingernails?” thought Bowser, looking at his own, unfamiliar five-fingered claws. He no longer knew the back of his hand!
A husky female voice chimed in, and Bowser noticed it was Princess Daisy, “Are we even sure this bimbo is Bowser? Maybe that crown magic did some weird time-travel, inter-dimensional distortion baloney?”
Resting his aching skull against the bars, fighting back the urge to retch, Bowser twisted to find the speaker. “Huh? Princess…Doozie? Ugh! Why is the tomboy here? I hate tomboys!”
Still in the surreal mental state between dreaming and wakefulness, Bowser felt his throat, not recognizing his own voice right away. He was still a woman? But no, that was just a terrible nightmare! He’d woken up to find it was his wedding day to Princess Peach! …Hadn’t he?
The headache, the awful taste in his mouth, the heavy weight on his chest…it was all too much!
With a groan, Bowser pulled his head away from the bars of his cell, spotted a green toilet, and stumbled forward to puke into it, though not in time. “Blarg! Puhtooie!”
The contents of his stomach spilled on the once-pristine stone floor, but he managed to get a single drop of spittle into the toilet. Bowser turned and spotted a cozy looking fold-out bed. Only wanting to end this nightmare and return to his beautiful dream, Bowser stumbled forward and collapsed onto the bed.
After all, if he was in dream-world, going to sleep would get him back to reality, right?
“I’m…a genius…” gasped Bowser as he pressed his face into the pillows. But it didn’t work. Instead of finding himself in the tender bosom of his newly-wed wife, Bowser’s brain finally woke up.
With a groan, Bowser buried his face in the pillow, perfectly aware that there was no escape from this nightmare, but entirely too exhausted to face it. “Five more minutes, Mommy…” he whined.
Princess Peach ignored Bowser’s fussing, and turned her attention to her friends. “No, Daisy, I’m pretty sure that’s our Bowser! That’s how he introduced himself…though that bit about being Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom was suspicious. Luigi, apart from Mario and myself, you’ve had the most experience dealing with Bowser. What do you think?”
Luigi blushed, tickled to have Peach compliment him. Daisy noticed and beamed, happy to see him so happy.
Luigi straightened his posture and coughed, importantly. “Well, your highness, we know Bowser’s used some cunning tricks in the past…there was the time he had his twin brother fight us, remember that Mario?”
But Mario didn’t take his steely gaze off of Bowser for an instant. “It’s definitely Bowser, Luigi. I don’t know what the trick is. Maybe it’s something like the magic paintbrush Bowser Jr. used to impersonate and frame me, but whatever it is, I’d know that meatball anywhere.”
Bowser growled once, before remembering his escape plan to fall asleep.
Peach examined Bowser pensively. “I agree, Mario. But even the magic brush couldn’t produce an illusion that perfect. It’s got to be the crown, but why hasn’t the effect worn off?”
Luigi stroked his chin. “Maybe it’s like a power up?”
Daisy slammed her fist into her open palm. “Think if we work him over a bit, he’d go back to normal?”
Toadette’s eyes went wide with awe. “Ooh! A new power up? Your highness, may I volunteer to test it? If it can make Bowser look so…pretty, imagine what it could do for one of us?”
Bowser groaned with humiliation at being reminded of his unwanted feminine assets.
But Peach only shook her head. “Thank you, Toadette. But I can’t let you take that risk. The crown is suspicious enough, even if you could get it off that monster’s ugly head.”
Bowser moaned with sorrow at hearing his darling bride-to-be refer to him as a monster, lifting his head from the pillow. “Peechee-chan! That’s no way to speak to your husband! You’re supposed to love, honor, and obey me!”
Daisy snapped, and rattled the bars of Bowser’s prison. “Can it, you pig! You have some gall, after all you’ve done to Peach? Why I oughta’ take you across my knee, and–”
Daisy’s hair stood on end as she watched Bowser lift his head up from the pillow with a snarl and charge at her, but Daisy didn’t back away from the prison cell, nor loosen her grip on the bars. “Yeah! Bring it, ya’ floozie!”
Daisy pulled back her fist, ready to aim a punch through the bars right at Bowser’s chin, but before she could, she felt two, lanky, green arms wrap tightly around her torso and pull her away from the prison door. “Hey! Gid’off! Lemme’ at her!”
As Bowser flailed his arms through the bars, desperate to claw at Daisy, Mario caught Bowser by both wrists and the two struggled for supremacy. Bowser tried to press forward, used to being able to easily knock aside brick walls, let alone Mario, but Mario’s grip felt like a vice. With a snarl, Bowser suddenly pulled back, freeing his arms. Mario caught himself roughly as Bowser pulled him off balance. The two mortal foes made an immediate mental calculation. Despite his feminine form, Bowser was still well-muscled, but it was nothing like his former brawn. Bowser and Mario were now equally matched, at least in raw strength.
As Daisy flailed, she thrust her elbow back and caught Luigi flat on the nose. “Oh! Luigi? I’m sorry. Did I bloody your nose? Oh no, it is bleeding! Poor baby!”
“Daisy? She…he…Bowser was gonna’ scratch you! I had to–”
But before Luigi could finish stammering out his answer, Daisy produced a handkerchief and forcefully pinched his nose to stem the bleeding. “You were worried about me, Weege? That’s so sweet! …But, don’t worry, I can handle that bully! Say, Toadette? Hand me the key to the prisoner’s cell, and cover your eyes. This will get ugly!”
Princess Peach gracefully, but assertively, intervened. “Thank you, Daisy, but I’d like to be the one to handle this bully...alone.”
Daisy paused to process this information. “Oh! Yeah, I respect that. He’s your bully. This is your chance to face your fears! Cowboy up! Earn your spurs! Well, I get it, and you got it! I won’t interfere in an affair of honor!”
Peach exhaled, then curtsied to Daisy. “Thank you for understanding, Daisy.”
But as Peach turned to face Bowser, she felt Daisy land a firm, reverberating slap across her rear end. The force of the smack made the bustle beneath Peach’s dress wobble dangerously. Daisy flashed a toothy grin. “Go get ‘em, champ in the making!”
Daisy was so excited, she waved her hand in a dramatic gesture of encouragement, only to realize she had released her pinch on Luigi’s bloody nose, and fumbled to stem the bleeding again.
Peach blushed, hoping Mario hadn’t seen that, and also half-hoping he had. “Thanks, Daisy. I always appreciate your…enthusiasm!” And Peach meant it, sincerely.
At this, Mario finally stepped back from his death-stare contest with Bowser. “Princess? You can’t go in there with that monster! Don’t be fooled by his womanish…wiles. He’s as bloodthirsty as ever!”
“Don’t worry, Mario, dear. I have something I need to say to Bowser, but there's no need to say it with my fists.”
Peach glanced back, hoping Daisy would resist the urge to declare herself to be Peach’s boxing coach again. Thankfully, Daisy was now too distracted by nursing Luigi’s wounds to notice. “Poor wittle Weegie! Were you going to fight Bowser, to protect me? Don’t you think I can fight my own battles?”
Luigi fought to speak, despite the clotted blood stuffing his nose, “Buh, I had to–”
“That’s so romantic! You knew Bowser could rip your arms off and beat you to death with them, but did that stop you? No way! You were ready to die a gruesome, painful death for me! That’s what I love–uh, like about you, Luigi! People think you’re a sniveling, fraidy cat, but what do they know? You may have noodly arms, but your real strength is in your heart, where it counts! …Uh, better stop trying to talk, Weege…Wow, you’ve lost a lot of blood!”
Satisfied, Peach decided to leave Daisy to tend to her patient. With royal grace, she placed a hand on Mario’s shoulder, and gave him a glance that said more than words ever could. She was thanking him for all he had done, reminding him that she needed to face her foe alone, and promising him that she would be careful, all at once.
Mario nodded, and stood aside, though he still kept both eyes on Bowser.
Peach’s throat felt dry as she tried to get her prisoner’s attention. It took an effort not to stutter. “Bowser!”
As Bowser turned his attention from Mario to Peach, the Princess saw the animal rage in the former King’s eyes. The second Bowser laid eyes on Peach, his face melted to a simpering, salivating smile. It was only more haunting to see that look on a face that so closely mirrored her own. Despite Bowser’s new, feminine appearance, Peach felt the same fear she always felt when Bowser kidnapped her.
If anything, Bowser terrified her more when he was acting like a love-sick puppy. His fiery rages put the fear of God into his minions, but over the past few years, Peach had learned the performative tantrums were mostly for show. She’d even learned to sympathize with Bowser somewhat, but not because she held any delusions that he was secretly a nice guy, deep down.
Deep down, Bowser was still just a bad guy. But he was the kind of bad guy who could occasionally be reasoned with, or cajoled, or cowed.
Bowser pursed his beautiful, luscious lips. “Peachie, Baby! You’re not going to keep me here forever, are you? I have a wonderful honeymoon planned! I got concert tickets for Tokyo Cuban Boys Jr.! You said you liked Latin Jazz, remember, when we went to the beach?”
“You mean when your son tried to frame Mario for vandalism, and kidnapped me, all because you lied and told him that I was his mother?”
Bowser twiddled his thumbs sheepishly. “That was not my finest dad moment, I’ll admit. You have to understand, I was under a lot of stress at that time due to the divorce proceedings. I just wanted a sort of…father-son bonding experience! But I finally did tell him the truth, that you’re not his real mama, just his future step-mama! So you see, it was more of a little white lie! ‘Honesty is the best policy!’ as I always say! Unless you’re dealing with enemies, in which case lie for all your worth, but you’re not my enemy, Peach!”
Suddenly, Bowser’s apologetic manner evaporated as he clawed to reach Mario. “I’ll tell you who the real enemy is! It’s Mario! He’s the one who always spoils our happily-ever-after!”
Sensing that Mario was ready to spring into action, Peach took a single step between Bowser and Mario’s line of sight, trusting Mario to keep his cool. “No, Bowser. That’s not true. Mario is my…my dear, dear friend. Why can’t you see that? Can’t we be friends, too, Bowser?”
Peach heard Mario’s intake of breath. She knew what he was thinking. Offering friendship to Bowser? Was she crazy? Peach was wondering the same thing about herself. But she prayed that Mario would give her time to work through her argument.
Mario’s mustache trembled in fury, but he didn’t interrupt. He didn’t trust Bowser. But he trusted Peach.
Bowser’s initial wild rage cooled, replaced by the cold-blooded hatred that he reserved only for blue-collar, Italian immigrants that got in his way. “Me? Friends with Mario? Never!”
Peach moved closer to Bowser’s cage, forcing him to focus on her. “What about the time King Smithy took control of your castle? Or the time you helped us stop Dimentio from conquering all realities?”
Bowser grinned stupidly. “Of course I remember! That was the time we got married, Peach! Don’t you remember? You’re my lawfully wedded wife!”
Peach blushed, cursing herself for her blunder. “Bowser, the two of us getting married nearly caused the end of all life in the universe. And, anyway, it wasn’t a legal wedding ceremony. Count Bleck wasn’t a lawful minister.”
“My lawyers disagree.”
Peach wanted to scoff, but she resisted the urge to let Bowser goad her. “But that’s besides the point. You stood alongside us and fought as our ally, side by side with Mario!”
“That was different! We all had a common foe, but I only cared about getting my castle back…for you, of course. We were not friends! We were…temporary co-belligerents!”
“So, you never wanted to be my friend? Not even a little?”
Again, Bowser switched, from calculating tyrant to fussy little boy. (Or rather, a fussy little boy trapped in the body of a voluptuous, grown woman.) “Gah! Pee-pee, Baby! Stop putting words in my mouth! Of course, I wanted to be friends with you! I want you to be my bestest friend forever! Is that so wrong?”
Peach felt a sliver of hope. If only Bowser could move past his unhealthy obsession with her, he could make a valuable ally to the Mushroom Kingdom. “There’s nothing wrong with that! And maybe we could be friends like that…one day,” she added furtively, embarrassed to have Mario overhearing this. She hated having to dance around Bowser’s big ego, but it was the only way to persuade the brute to do anything.
To Peach’s relief, Mario was composed. He was watching her reassuringly, ready to help the moment he was needed, but patient. “Best friends, forever. The kind of friend you can always count on,” Peach thought silently, looking at Mario, before returning her attention to Bowser.
“But the only way I can ever be friends with you Bowser is if you stop attacking my friends, my people, my kingdom! We’ve been allies before. Couldn’t we just be allies on a more…permanent basis?”
Bowser paused to consider her words, then a knowing smile crept across his face. “Oh, I see what you’re saying. But of course, Peach! Why, for you, I could even be friends with Mario…”
Peach couldn’t find any words. Did Bowser mean it? She was so happy, she could have kissed Bowser (just a platonic peck on the cheek, of course).
But before she could answer, Bowser waved a finger matter-of-factly and barreled over her. “...Once we’re Queen and Queen…Bah! I mean, King and Queen, your Kingdom will be my Kingdom, and I’ll protect our people with my life’s blood! That’s what any honorable Queen like me would do!” Bowser slammed his fist against his heart in a gesture of manly fortitude, only for his fist to bump against one of his massive boobies.
Embarrassed by his verbal slip, Bowser stamped his bare foot. Once, he’d have been able to send tremors through the castle with such a gesture, but now his adorable little feet could only produce a soft slap against the stone. “King! I meant to say King! As King, I’ll protect you forever, Peaches, and your friends too, of course. We’ll need plenty of serfs.”
“No, Bowser, they are not serfs. And I’m not talking about marriage. I’m talking about friendship.”
The words quickly passed through Bowser’s ears, without making contact with any of his brain cells. Nevertheless, a 2-watt light bulb still appeared over Bowser’s head as he pressed his face through the bars, hoping for a kiss from Peach. “Oh! I get it! You’re doing the girl flirting thing where you say one thing and mean something else. Like when you said you want us to be ‘allies on a more…permanent basis,’ in that cute little way of yours, you really meant you want to be together, permanently! That means you do love me!”
Peach hid the disappointment she felt from showing on her face. This was how it always went when you tried to reason with Bowser. His irrational idea would just keep rearing its ugly head, again and again.
“No, Bowser, I don’t love you that way, and I never, ever will. But we can still be friends.”
“Yeah, yeah. I see what this whole friendship spiel is. For a while there, I was worried you were trying to put me in the friend-zone.
Peach scrunched her face. Finally, she was in over her head. “Wait? The friend-zone? What’s that?”
Bowser curled his lips with suppressed mirth, like a girl rolling a juicy bit of gossip over her tongue. “Oh, that’s when you lead a guy on for a while, letting him do stuff for you for free, but never actually giving him anything in return. Like you do with that beta male orbiter, Mario. But actually, when you say you wanna be ‘best friends, forever’ with me, that’s really a code word for being more than just normal friends—”
Now it was Peach’s turn to have a lightbulb, and hers was 300 watts. Over the years, she had told Bowser that she didn’t love him thousands of times, and it never once clicked for him. “I’m friend-zoning you, Bowser.”
The room went silent. Even Daisy, who had carefully been wiping the last of the dried blood from Luigi’s nose, was able to pry her eyes away from Luigi’s lovable little face at this news.
Luigi’s face was pale from blood loss, but he turned his head shakily.
Bowser’s wicked delight vanished. He looked like he’d just been sentenced to death. “You’re…friend-zoning me? But I’m the Queen of the Koopas! …Crud! King! King, King, King!!!”
In a rage, Bowser rattled the bars and slammed his chest like a Kong, only for his eyes to snap open wide as he felt his tits jiggle and bounce wildly from the impacts. “Argh! It’s not fair! I want someone to have and to hold, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part! What is wrong with you, you psycho witch? Why must you torment me so? Why can’t you want what I want? You know what you are, Princess Toadstool? You’re a cold-hearted reptile, with no appreciation for romantic love!”
Even as Peach’s temper flared, she kept her composure. But the commanding, regal boom in her voice was enough to silence even Bowser. “You’re wrong, Queen Koopa! One day I will be married, but not to you! The only man I’ll vow to love, honor, and obey is Ma–” Peach caught herself from accidentally shouting Mario’s name, “...My one true love! A good man! Someone who loves and cherishes me as a person, not a video game trophy! And until you learn to show some remorse for all the pain and trouble you’ve caused, you will remain a prisoner! I wish you didn’t have to be alone, Bowser. But until you change, you deserve to be alone!”
As the meaning of Peach’s words sunk in, Bowser felt his heart sink into despair, before exploding in a blind rage. He slammed against the iron bars with such force, he chipped a piece of stone from the ceiling where the bars were secured in place. The prison door held, but Mario had seen enough. Dashing forward, he put himself between Peach and the raging beast, guiding the stunned Princess back.
Never in his life, despite all his kidnapping attempts, had Bowser ever deliberately tried to hurt Peach. She was his idol. But as the dream of his happy, married life with Peach died, he wanted to break everything in the whole world, including her. “I’ll teach you respect, wench! You will love me, or you’ll wish you’d never been born!”
Still in shock, Peach allowed herself to be led out of the dungeon, hearing Bowser’s venomous threats echoing through the stone hallways. As Mario slammed the wooden door behind them, Peach had a surreal sensation, as though she’d just been snatched from the pit of hell itself.
“Well, I think that went well,” said Daisy, carrying a white-faced Luigi in her arms.
Daisy’s words snapped Peach out of her reverie, the memory of Bowser’s fury still haunting her. “I’ve never seen him like that. Even at his worst behavior, he was never that…sadistic.”
Toadette held Peach’s hand, partially to comfort her Princess and partially to stop herself from trembling. “Well, maybe it’s for the best! If Bowser understands that you don’t want his attentions, maybe he’ll finally give up and move on with his life!”
Mario huffed. “And do what? Take up crochet? Become a professional go-kart racer? Bowser’s not interested in redemption, Peach. Hasn’t he shown that time and again over the years?”
Peach detected the hidden annoyance in Mario’s voice, but ignored it, her thoughts still preoccupied by everything that had happened. “I know that Mario. But Bowser hasn’t always been like this. I was just hoping I could get through to him.”
Mario started talking with his hands animatedly, which had been his habit since childhood, thanks to his Italian upbringing in Brooklyn. “Then what was the point of offering him friendship? I thought you were trying to trick him into giving you information. Don’t tell me we’re letting Bowser go if he says ‘I’m sorry’ and promises to never do it again! He can’t be trusted! He can’t be redeemed.”
Luigi raised a shaky finger. “Now, hold on, Mario. Mama says redemption is always possible, even for the worst of sinners!”
Mario waved both his hands, “Well, Mama never met Bowser!”
Luigi waved his hands in an equally Italian gesture of annoyance, though not quite as forcefully. “Hey! You sayin’ Mama couldn’t handle a jabroni like Bowser? C’mahn, Mario!”
“Don’t you, ‘C’mahn!’ me, Luigi! I wasn’t saying nothin’ bad about Mama! It’s Bowser we can’t trust!”
Peach watched curiously. She rarely saw this side of Mario, and after all the years she’d known the bros, their peculiar Brooklyn mannerisms still intrigued her. “Knock that off, both of you.”
The brothers’ hands froze in mid-air, both using hand gestures that wordlessly said, “Whatsa’ matta’ wid’ you?”
Peach straightened herself and took charge. “Mario, Luigi, I think you’re both right in your own way. People can find redemption. If Bowser wants to turn over a new leaf, I’ll give him every opportunity!”
Daisy raised an eyebrow. “Uh, does that mean you’re letting him go home, scott-free?”
“Nope. Not a chance,” Peach answered bluntly.
Mario sighed with relief, waving his hands to Luigi to silently say, “I told ya’ so,” before Peach gave him a stern look. A little abashed at losing his cool in front of Peach, Mario folded his hands and nodded. Ever since their first adventure together, Mario and Peach had found they could ‘speak each other’s language’ without words. Mario was thinking, “All right, your highness, you win!”
Peach smiled as she read the annoyed, but amused look on Mario’s face. “Mario is right. We can’t just blindly trust Bowser. That’d be naive. He hasn’t killed any of my subjects, thankfully, but he’s also put them at risk with his insane surprise attacks far too many times…On the other hand, he’s also a powerful monarch. Keeping him a prisoner indefinitely could lead to war with the Koopa Kingdom. But I promise you, I’m not letting him out of that cell until I’m sure he’s no longer a threat to the people of the Mushroom Kingdom. I’ll have the Council of Elders to help me with negotiations. In the meantime, I’d say we’ve spent enough time on Bowser himself…herself? Come to think of it, we’d better figure out what’s going on with that crown.”
Mario shrugged. “Doesn’t seem so bad to me. Bowser’s weaker now. Now, I can handle him without a powerup.”
Luigi raised a finger, feeling important, then remembered he was still being carried in Daisy’s arms and patted her shoulder to let him down. “Um, what about the magic he used? That was new. What if he figures out how to use the power of the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom?”
Daisy gasped, then grabbed Luigi by the collar, pressing her forehead against his. “Ooo! I forgot all about that! You’re so smart, Luigi!”
Toadette raised her hand, politely, “Excuse me, but Bowser said he read about the first Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom in some ancient scrolls. Shouldn’t the castle library have some information?”
Peach patted Toadette on the head. “Good idea, Toadette. I bet Toadsworth would know where to find what we’re looking for in the royal archives. But I’ll have to send for Professor Toad, and he could be anywhere on one of his archeological digs!”
Mario snapped his fingers. “An archeologist? That’s it!”
“What’s it, Mario?” asked Peach, Luigi, Daisy, and Toadette all at once.
But Mario was a man of action, not a man of words. He sprinted down the hallway and around the corner, calling behind him. “Kooper and Goombella! They were invited to the party! We gotta’ find ‘em before they leave! Let’s-a go!”
…
Bowser hung his head on the dressing table in his cell, gnawing at the wood in a failed, frustrated attempt to hide his sobbing. Although it had been a cold, dreary dungeon long ago, Peach had taken it upon herself to do some interior decorating, making the cell feel more like a cozy guest bedroom. One of these additions was a framed mirror above the table.
Bowser couldn’t stand to look at the face of the woman staring back at him from the mirror. But if he had, he would have seen the reflected image lift her head to watch him curiously as he cried his heart out. The reflected image of the woman in the mirror watched Bowser with a mix of disgust and amusement.
The mirror-woman revealed every single one of her pointed teeth in a devilish smile. “Well, are you a man, or aren’t you?” she said in a seductive voice, like Princess Peach’s, but much older, and much harsher.
Bowser snapped his head up. With a terrified roar of realization, Bowser thrust his fist into the mirror, shattering it into a spider web pattern. Though the woman’s image was now slightly distorted, she was no less beautiful.
“Why must men always think with their fists?” said the woman in the mirror.
Bowser backed away from the mirror, his eyes wide. “Who are you? Are you a ghost? Or are you an evil magic mirror?”
“No, no, neither. I’m you of course. You only see me in the mirror because I’m a reflection of your subconscious mind.”
“...What?”
The woman in the mirror rolled her eyes. “I am you. I’m an aspect of your psyche. I am the yin, to your yang. I am the feminine spirit within–”
“Spirit? That means ghost. Aaaah!!! You’re a ghost! I knew I never should have trusted King Boo! Well, you tell that spook I’m done being possessed! I’m my own man, damn it!” Bowser bellowed!
The woman in the mirror hissed. This idiot was ruining all the drama and mystique she was going for. “No, that’s not what I meant! Use your eyes! Do I look like a Boo?”
Bowser’s curiosity momentarily overcame his superstition. “Hmm, now that you mention it, you’re way hotter than most Boos. Heh, heh! Hey, you’ve got Boo-bees! Get it? Cuz, Boos don’t have boobies!”
The woman in the mirror was so overwhelmed by the stupidity of this situation, she wanted to gag. Covering her breasts, she coughed awkwardly. “Keh! Fine. Whatever works. Basically, I’m not a boo. What’s important is that you now bear The Crown!”
Bowser forgot all about boobs. “The Crown? Of course! You’re the vengeful spirit of the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom! You’re mad because your sacred resting place was desecrated, or something!”
The woman in the mirror rubbed her temples. Dealing with this moron was already giving her a headache. She shouted, trying to make herself heard over Bowser’s rambling conspiracy theories about ghosts and aliens. “No! Shut up! I’m not here to curse anyone! I’m here to help–”
“Well, it was those dang Mario brothers who pillaged the Crown from your tomb, not me! If you need to curse someone, curse them!”
“Okay, fine! You know what? I am the ghost of the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom. Ooooo! I’m a scary ghost! Stop talking or I’ll curse you!”
Bowser gasped, then smiled, very pleased with himself. “I knew it! Oop!”
Realizing his mistake, Bowser slapped his palm over his mouth.
The woman in the mirror sighed with relief. “Now, if you really want to curse those Mario Brothers, I’m all too happy to help you. But my…ghost magic is a bit different. You see, as long as you have the crown, I can talk to you, but no one else. And as long as you wear the crown, you have, uh, ghost magic power. But you need me to use the ghost magic power. Ya know, since I’m a ghost and stuff. We have to work together!”
Forgetting to breathe, Bowser hid all sorts of squeals and expletives by pressing his hand tightly against his mouth, before he gasped for air and his tongue moved on its own. “I know what’s next! This is the part where you offer me some sort of deal, but there’s some fine print or a weird riddle poem that means you get to eat my soul!”
The woman held up her hands. “Nothing like that. You already put on the crown. You already accepted the power. You don’t have to use it if you don’t want to. Look, I’ll prove that I’m no threat to you. Take a look at yourself.”
As Bowser looked down on his hands, he saw his pale skin deepen to a golden, bronze tan, similar to his old scales, and a strand of his long hair caught his eye as it darkened from blond to a rich, blood red. “You look different than me? But you’re in the mirror!”
“Right! Despite outward appearances, you’re still you. You’re Bowser. The King of the Koopas. And I’m Bowsette. The Queen of the Koopas.”
Bowser scratched his head. “But, there is no Queen of the Koopas!”
“Don’t you want one? Isn’t that what chasing after Peach was all about? To get yourself a Queen?”
“Well, yeah, but I want Peach. You’re not Peach, you’re just a blond version of me!”
The woman pumped her fists victoriously, “Bingo! I knew we’d get there eventually. I am you. And I am also not you. You are King Koopa. And I am…Princess Koopa. You are Bowser. I am ‘Bowsette.’ And with my help, we can both get Peach, and the Mushroom Kingdom! No demonic contracts! No hidden clauses! No strings attached!”
Bowser’s mind reeled from all this new information. “Bowsette? But you said you were the ghost of the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom?”
Bowsette froze her victory pose, before she let her arms slump back down in defeat. “No, I meant that…Ugh! Okay, let’s just say I’m the ghost of the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom, who just so happens to be named Bowsette. I’m not a Boo. I’m not a vengeful spirit looking to hand out curses, nor a demon looking to drag unwary souls to hell. I just want to help you use the Crown’s magic, so that we can both get what we want: to rule and protect the Mushroom Kingdom. What do you say to that?”
Bowsette held out her hand, as if offering a handshake from behind the mirror. Then she noticed Bowser had been picking his nose. “Huh? Uh, yeah, you want a mutually beneficial relationship, yada yada. Look, can we just skip over the exposition dump? You’re boring me.”
From behind the surface of the mirror, Bowsette slapped her forehead against the glass, groaning with frustration. “But that’s what I was trying to—Ack! What’s not to understand? I can give you powerful magic! Don’t you want to rule the Mushroom Kingdom with me?”
Bowser examined a booger on his long, pointed fingernail, licked it experimentally, and finally flicked it away. “And I stay stuck a woman? With a nagging Queen who lives in a mirror? No thanks. Women are weak, and incapable of reason. Anyway, I don’t need magic. I can do all that by myself…with these.” Bowser slapped his palm against the sinewy bicep of his other arm.
Then, with a flash of inspiration, he added menacingly, “And saying you’re not an evil ghost is exactly the kind of thing an evil ghost would say to trick me! No deal! Now, turn me back to my handsome self, or I’m gonna get seven years of bad luck!”
Bowser shook his fist as he approached the mirror, waiting for an answer.
Bowsette shrugged. “Suit yourself. You struck me as a man who isn’t afraid to wield power, but if you’re content to let that red-hatted do-gooder keep stomping on you, and keep taking your girl away from you, be my guest. Whatever turns you on!”
Bowser choked at the memory of seeing Mario and Peach escaping from him time and time again. “That’s not–I’m gonna’ get him eventually! You’ll see! Even if he’s got nine lives, sooner or later I’ll win!”
Bowsette giggled, girlishly. Then pulled out a file and delicately sharpened her own nails. “Sure you will! Well, if you don’t want my help, there’s nothing else I can do. I won’t force you. You can even take the Crown off if you want to go back to your normal self.”
Bowser slammed his hands against either side of the mirror. He wasn’t sure if breaking the mirror would do anything to stop the ghost, and he didn’t want to risk seven years of bad luck, but he was used to bluffing his way through anything by throwing his weight around. “How do I do that? Tell me!”
Bowsette’s eyes went wide with fear for only an instant, before she casually returned to giving herself a manicure. “To return to your normal form, just take the Crown off, gently, and set it down, softly. You’ll be yourself for as long as you want, but you will maintain your connection to the Crown’s magic. Of course, if you want to be rid of the crown forever, that’s a bigger commitment. Since you accepted the Crown of your own free will, with the intent to rule the Mushroom Kingdom, you’ll have to formally abdicate your legal right to the throne. Just say anything like, ‘I no longer wish to rule the Mushroom Kingdom,’ and you’ll sever your connection to the crown forever. There’s no specific set of magic words you have to use. What matters is your intent.”
Bowser felt the crown on his head, and noticed the woman in the mirror followed his gesture. At long last, she was behaving like a real reflection of himself, despite the difference in their hair color and skin tone. “That’s it? It can’t be that simple! Wait, if you’re Bowsette, and I sever the connection to the crown, won’t that kill you?”
To his pleasure, he saw Bowsette swallow a lump in her throat in the mirror before answering. “In a sense, I suppose it will. Because I am part of you, severing the magic will indeed destroy me. The Crown’s magic will live on, but Bowsette will be no more. Of course, the catch is that once you sever the connection, there’s no going back.”
Bowser pretended to yawn, stretching the muscles of his shoulders and arms. “Works for me. I kill you, leave the crown behind, bust out of here, and have my fun. Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?”
Bowsette perfectly imitated the same gesture in the mirror. “Indeed. But if that is my karma, there is nothing I can do to change it. Still, it’s a pity. I got a good look inside your mind. There’s some empty space, but I don’t mind. Gives me some room to work with. For what it’s worth, I think you’d have made a fine King of the Mushroom Kingdom, with my help.”
Bowser pressed his face close to the mirror, pointing emphatically, their fingers almost touching between the thin panel of glass. “Yeah, well I’ll become King of the Mushroom Kingdom anyway, without your help. You watch!”
Bowsette mirrored this final gesture, before surprising Bowser by breaking away from the standoff and standing up, regally. “Maybe. But never Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom. I’ll leave you to decide your destiny.”
Somehow, she reminded him of Peach, not in her looks, but in her poise. She held her head high…like a queen. But when Bowser looked at Bowsette, he no longer saw a copy of Peach. He saw something new. He saw himself in the mirror. Then, the image turned, and walked away from him, disappearing into the shadows within the mirror.
This surprised Bowser. He was expecting to hear some delicious begging and pleading from the ghost, maybe toy with her emotionally before smashing the crown at the perfect moment. “Well, that’s it? Aren’t you going to try and stop me?”
Bowsette turned. “I can’t stop you. I can only help you. But whatever you choose, it will have been the right choice.” Then she stepped out of sight beyond the frame of the mirror.
Annoyed, Bowser twisted his head to different angles, trying to catch sight of her in the mirror. “Don’t you walk out on me! I’m talking to you, woman!” But as he pulled his head back away, he saw his reflection again. A plain reflection, with red hair, and bronze skin.
“If I ever see that Bowsette brat again, I’ll spank her until she tells me the real magic words, then spank her again until she begs for mercy, just for fun.”
With a glance toward the mirror, Bowser saw no sign of Bowsette. “Hmm, not sure how I’d spank a woman in a mirror world, unless…” experimentally, Bowser lifted a hand and slapped his own rump, watching the woman in the mirror. He forgot his own strength, and the slap was enough to make him hop into the air. “Ouch! What am I doing? That mirror woman was probably just part of this nightmare. I’ll just go to sleep and when I wake up, I’ll be marrying Peach again, or…Aha!”
Bowser slapped his own ass again, hoping to take himself by surprise and wake himself up from the nightmare. This time, he aimed for the other cheek, and once again, he slapped with enough force to feel the sting through the thick fabric of his black ballroom gown. “Yow! Okay, this ain’t a dream. I’m really awake!”
Suspiciously, he checked the mirror one final time, wondering if Bowsette was spying on him. Bowser waved his hands, and made faces, just to make sure.
“Boo!” he shouted, turning suddenly, hoping to catch Bowsette by surprise. But it was just a plain, cracked mirror.
“Fine! Be that way! I’ll just–” Bowser sat down on his bed, grabbed at the crown, and yanked at it futilely, before remembering Bowsette’s words.
“Pull it off, gently…set it down, softly.” With a pop, the crown came off, and Bowser expanded to his full girth. Instantly, the bed snapped off the wall under the strain of his full weight, right onto his tail.
“Bwar! Oh, thank Godzilla! I’m me again!” Bowser rubbed his stinging tail as he lifted himself up, struggling to remember the exact phrasing of the magic words Bowsette had told him earlier. He was sure she was lying about being able to use any words he wanted. Typical of a ghost to give him sneaky instructions and watch him yell all sorts of silly incantations. He strained his memory, and found the right words.
“I no longer wish to rule the Mushroom Kingdom,” Bowser thought.
But he couldn’t say those words aloud. After all, he did wish to rule the mushroom kingdom.
“Is this the trick, ghost? Want to make me pinky promise to never hurt your little kingdom? Well, fine, I’ll just say it, but I won’t really mean it! I no longer wish to rule the Mushroom Kingdom!”
Nothing happened. Bowser slapped his forehead. “Of course, I do want to rule the Mushroom Kingdom, so I can’t mean it when I say I don’t want to rule the Mushroom Kingdom.”
Bowser sat down cross-legged, both his cheeks still tingling slightly in protest, and examined the crown before him. This was a puzzle. He’d designed clever traps for do-gooders in the past. He could crack this nut! “I can just say I don’t want to be Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom! That’s true enough!” Remembering that Bowsette had already told him as much earlier, he felt annoyed with himself. Apparently Bowsette wasn’t trying to play mind games with him. Or was she?
With a guttural growl, Bowser lifted the crown, thinking, “I don’t want to be Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom!”
But before he could utter the words, he remembered the force of the magic he’d wielded earlier. That hadn’t been a dream. It had been enough to knock himself out! And he was Bowser, after all, so that magic had some punch to it.
“No need to break the connection to the magic right now. It could be useful to bust out of here.” Bowser examined his prison. Feeling the bars with his full strength, he had to admit they were well made. The cell could probably hold ten of his strongest warriors. He was sure that not even Bowser Jr. or Donkey Kong could break these bars. But they weren’t the King of the Koopas!
As he felt the metal strain, Bowser smiled. It would take an effort, but he could break the iron door anytime he wanted. But did he want to escape now?
Bowser had a delicious realization. “Ah-ha! No one here knows I have my full strength back. I could wait to surprise Mario and tear his mustache off as a souvenir! Or grab that green sap and use him as a hostage to tease Mario. Or wait for Peach to come give me another lecture about love and friendship!”
Bowser rubbed his mighty claws together. “What a wonderful, awful idea! In that case, I’ll get some rest and…”
As Bowser’s stubby claws fumbled with the chains that once attached the broken bed to the wall, his gaze turned to the Crown. “Oh, well, for any of those plans to work, I’ll have to wear the Crown, or they’ll instantly realize I’m me again and I lose the element of surprise.”
Bowser picked the Crown up, still haunted by the memory of being trapped in the body of a weak, pathetic, helpless little woman. “After all, I can take it off any time I want to. It’s my choice.”
Closing his eyes, Bowser placed the crown back on his head, worried that pink flames might erupt from the Crown again. But this time, he became a woman in an instant, dropping down gracefully to the floor with a light tap thanks to the difference in height. Apparently the spectacular transformation scene was a one-time thing. Bowser looked into the mirror. This time, his hair was red, his skin bronze. No sign of the blond woman. Bowser decided then and there that he was never going to call himself ‘Bowsette.’
“Who’s the man? I’m the man! I’m King of the Koopas!” Bowser said, looking at himself in the mirror. He didn’t like the high-pitched sound of his voice, but at least he wasn’t stumbling over the words ‘man’ and ‘king’ anymore.
Bowser found with strange satisfaction that his nimble fingers could easily reattach the chains of the bed. It would have been a headache with his old three-fingered claws. He didn’t have to sleep on the floor tonight!
As he settled himself on the bed, Bowser realized something was off. “No pajamas? What kind of war criminal doesn’t provide her prisoners with nighttime attire? Who knew that Princess Peach could be so thoughtless and cruel? Dang! She’s sexy!”
Bowser stripped out of his ballroom gown, and found himself wearing men’s boxers with hearts underneath, and no bra. “Perfect! Exactly what I like to wear to bed!”
Bowser stared at the perfect pair of tits just below him, poking them with intense interest. “Wow, not even Princess Peach has a rack like mine! …Ugh! No! Can’t think about breasts! Got to concentrate on escaping.”
Settling himself into bed, Bowser mentally reviewed his game plan. Kammy Koopa would likely be back in a few days, but he had no intention of letting her negotiate his release for him. If the perfect opportunity to break out didn’t present itself before Kammy’s return, he’d insist on being present at the hostage negotiations, and launch his surprise attack. “Okay, this ain’t so bad. I’ll lie in wait, and when the time is right, I destroy all my enemies, and claim Peach as my prize! Just like in a video game!”
With one last glance down at his own, glorious, melon-sized ta-tas, Bowser smiled wanly and drifted off to sleep. “I could get used to this!”
As he snored, he made a loud “Honk! Shoo!” noise, a snot bubble at the end of his nose.
But in the cracked mirror, the blond head of Bowsette reappeared. She watched the sleeping form of Bowser hungrily. “Gotcha’, sucker!”
The image of Bowsette glided away from the surface of the mirror, before lying down on her own bed, exactly like her red-headed counterpart. “What was it you said, Bowser? Ah, yes! ‘Sooner or later, I’ll win?’ …Well, I couldn’t agree more! I think we’re going to get along famously!”
Bowser stirred once in his sleep, sucking his thumb. Then his tan skin faded to a milky snow white, his fiery red hair shifted to golden blond, and he slept soundly.
In his dreams, Bowser was on a throne as King of the Mushroom Kingdom, in his true form. Seated at his left was Princess Peach, attached to his throne by a chain and collar around her neck. But seated to his right…was the Queen of the Mushroom Kingdom.
[End of Chapter 2]
