sorry, first off, I've been, well how the hell do I put this.
*takes a deep breath and exhales and tries to organize my thoughts*
okay, physically? I've been fine, more or less, mentally and emotionally though? well. *gestures at everything* life, and the world, as they have been for quite some time now, are kicking my fucking ass to hell and back, my depression, medicated or not, has been killing me, metaphorically speaking, so...... given that every time I try and check in on here its more bad news I had no idea about till showing up to play catch-up? yeah, I've admittedly been just.....temporarily forgetting I exist, on here and on FA, which I've not checked in over a year, I check here more often since I feel like I belong here more than on FA anymore which is sad since I have friends on both sites, and most of them are explicitly on one or the other and not both..... but... well. my depression, even on medication, has been killing me even without seeing all the sad news all the time ,so, its not a shock to say I've been avoiding things as much as I possibly can.
please, just know, if you need to get a hold of me and do not have my contact info, by all means ask someone, there are several (many) folk here who have my telegram info or my discord, or you can get it on my profile, I think I have it there still anyways, either way, if you need me, reach out, but past that? yeah, I'm kind of just, avoiding all of the everything given how hard I'm already struggling to keep what joke of a level of sanity I never actually had, in one piece. or whatever joke of a semblance it is on any given day.
bottom line is, I'm alive still, but, with my mental health problems? that's half the problem, I exist, and every single day is anguish accordingly, more so mentally and emotionally than physically, though I'm not immune to physical issues either, still explains so much when the chiropractor said my spine looks like someone in their 60's..... I'm 34.... apparently, it turns out, I have advanced stage arthritis in my spine, which explains so fucking much about my daily pain levels and why I've said for years "if I'm not bitching about my pain on any given day, then its a good day"..........I just hate how much more this now makes sense to that end. but whatever, I'm alive, good bad or in between, it would just be nice to not suffer every single day in one way or another, and then always be able to logic myself out of why I should be happy because "others have it worse" which only makes me feel worse about feeling bad, even though I should not do so, I do exactly that which only further complicates things, I know it does, and I cant stop myself from always falling into this exact pattern of thinking, because apparently for me, having ANY level of self-love or self-care is an impossible feat.
also, just to clarify, this was in 0 way meant to be a vent journal, merely a "I'm alive but avoiding things" explainer. pardon if it ends up coming off as me bitching, because anymore? almost every single attempt I give at explaining things comes off that way regardless of how many times I retype it up and reword it and rephrase it, I just seem to be incapable of explaining things in a way that doesn't come across as bitching and moaning.
