I just need a place to scream, and this is it.
Over the past 16 years, my life has been a constant flux of good followed by catastrophically bad.
To whit:
2009:
Bad:
I lose the only job I had ever held for more than a year.
Good: I find out I'm autistic & developmentally disabled. (Was told I was mentally 15 at 25. I don't know if I stay mentally 15, or if I'm just 10 years behind my physical age?) I start getting disability payments.
2010:
The good:
I find stable friends who help me out of my introverted nature and the abuse of my childhood.
The bad:
They meet the one person who will, unknown to us, turn out to be an utter monster. I end up moving in with him & one of my friends.
2010-End of 2015:
The good: I learn some useful life skills.
The Bad:
That monster manages to drive away all my friends. Spends 6 years saying I'm faking my autism & stealing form his social security retirement.
He spends this time beating me almost daily. Alongside telling me to end myself daily. Claiming I'm a liar & lazy.
End of 2015-End of 2016:
The good:
I get up the courage to leave everything behind & flee from him.
The bad:
I am homeless for all of 2016. A bad space to bed for an autistic, agoraphobic person.
2017:
The good:
I get an apartment with a family member.
The bad:
She suffers from depression (Not her fault, but it does need to be stated for what follows). This makes it hard for her to leave her room, leading to plates of rotten food & me fighting for her to pay her half of the bills.
2019:
The bad:
Her inability to pay her half of the rent gets us evicted, leading me to be homeless once again.
The good:
This does act like a kind of slap in the face for her & she turns her life around.
She got an apartment sometime in 2020 & has not only held it, but got a better job, too.
2020:
COVID hits the world. I'm still homeless. Nothing good.
2021:
The good:
Family moves up here from Florida. Takes me in until I can get my own place.
The bad:
Nothing, for once.
2022-2024:
The good:
Stable life, for once. Even if I can't get back into streaming games due to chore agreements (Meaning no time during the day) and said family member working (So I'm quiet at night to respect their need to sleep)
The bad:
As stated; Can't really earn extra income via streaming games.
2024:
The good:
Stable, not much else to say.
The bad:
Disability decided I was being overpayed since 2020 even though I have filled out all paperwork clearly and honestly. Lose half my disability benefits. Can no longer afford my credit card bills, which I had to fix my credit history from the 2010-2016 abuser.
2025:
The good:
Nothing.
The bad:
Run out of savings. Credit card bill is overdrawn. Heatwaves mean summer electric bills are taking up 80% of my disability earnings, leaving me struggling to pay my health insurance and the aforementioned electric bills.
End up repeatedly overdrawing my bank account to keep the lights on, which just makes it worse.
And to top it off, everything I enjoy doing, I am bad at or can't do:
Streaming:
Can't do it. There's no time during the day, and no opportunity at night.
Voice Acting:
Every role I've ever tried for disappears. Not 'We went with someone else', no. But the creators actively ghosting every applicant.
Game development:
I have ideas but...No matter how hard I study coding, it never makes sense. It never sticks.
And I have recently created a race supplement for D&D 5E and published it on DMsGuild.
I spent months working on it. I made sure it was worth reading and more than worth the $1.50 asking price. 12 pages of lore, stat blocks, RP ideas, and NPC suggestions.
Posted it on r/DMsGuild: 1.3 thousand views. 0 sales.
Can't post it on r/D&D because it has AI placeholder art. I can't afford a real artist when I can't afford my electric bills.
(Note: Always commission a real artist. This is always my stance. I only use AI art for personal projects & placeholder art.)
So I guess I can add 'creating D&D content' to that growing list of 'Things I enjoy but have an overblown idea of my own skill at'.
That final one was kind of the tipping point.
I was so certain that I had created something great & it would sell like hotcakes & maybe, just maybe, I could be proud of myself & pay some of my overdue bills. And if it sold? Well, I would have my foot in the door and work on some more ideas! I would be known to my buyers as someone who makes good content!
But 1,300 views & 0 sales means it's not any good, I guess?
Not a single person who looked at my reddit threat has said anything. How can I get over 1k views and ZERO comments?
Not even a single post of anyone saying it looks stupid. Or that they hate AI art. I somehow made content posted to reddit that is so mid that no one gives a shit to engage with it. Schrodinger's Content.
And a little voice in my head keeps saying 'That's nearly a thousand dollars, if you had made it good enough to sell'.
I guess I'm just not meant to ever succeed. Even when I spend months working my arse off to polish content to the point that I am confident it will sell...It won't. Ever.
Good things just don't happen to me.
| Viewed: |
1 times |
| Added: |
2 days, 22 hrs ago
07 Sep 2025 04:03 CEST
|
|
|
