There can be no greater contrast to my dark past than that fact can there.
Man, I remember how I made a journal almost every day based on a new drama or turmoil that I thought I was facing at that time...
How quaint, isn't it? For I had no idea just how tumultuous and tempestuous life could truly become. I know that truth now. And what I thought was a storm back then was nothing more than a light drizzle compared to a category 6 hurricane. I do not doubt for a moment that had I known that truth back then... there may be no light at all today. No ray of light to break through the storm clouds and bring a rainbow of respite...
And with that said, even though the clouds remain an ever gray, crying with the same feelings that reside within my heart... I do still feel the yearning to return and bring to you more of my content, both created by me, and commissioned by me. NSFW... SFW... does that matter? Perhaps it does to some... and to others, perhaps not.
However, there is one thing cannot be denied or ignored- The one and only skill that I have been graced with has lately, been disgraced instead, for I have kept making the conscious decision to do so. And I have felt tired of doing as such since I instigated it due to the apathy and lethargy the endless toxic fog infected me with.
But as I am sure you understand... driving through an endless, thick and dark fog is a monumental task that only the strongest, most focused minds can endeavor to do, and I regret to say that my mind is not one of them anymore. My strength, my will, my very being has been weathered down to its bare bones by just striving to make it as far as I have now. And there had been very few challenges more daunting than this. So, what energy could I possibly spare for that one skill and talent that I possess? It is but a mere atom compared to the universe, unfortunately. But at least, all a nuclear explosion requires is that one singular atom, right? All I need is to find and maintain that spark.
So, when that spark comes, so too does the light follow. And that spark can only come from one place. It comes from within, for I only can help myself. No one can or will help me. I have spent too much of what little time there is hoping that someone could... but such a thing is just fruitless and delusional myth, rife with false hopes and dark angels complete with fake neon lit halos. Fake light. My trust is wasted on as such. Only I can remain behind. So that faith in oneself is the only avenue left.
And therein lies the conflict. The truth is that I do not have said faith in myself. Less so than the others that surround me. I have remained silent for as long as I have because the war I must fight is with myself. And no outsider can be allowed to interfere, let alone be aware of said war, for that leaves me vulnerable for those to infiltrate and pillage for their own gain... That must not be allowed to continue. This war. This storm. It must come to an end if I am to do as I have wished for, for over a decade now.
Or perhaps... I can use this tempestuous war for my own gain somehow. Maybe there is a way... and I shall endeavor to find it. To be lost no more, I must shine a light upon this possibility and let these pensive rays shine through the fog and clouds once more...
Turning on the light is more complicated than the mere flick of a switch after all...
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1 week, 5 days ago
24 Aug 2025 20:06 CEST
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