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Relationship and demands

So in my prior journal I mentioned that I feel very unattracted to people with piecrings or tatoos in their face.

Which lead me to another thought about relationships.
The question is, which statement has more value:

"I want you as my partner, to accept, that I am a bit chubby."
vs
"I want you as my partner to take off some weight."

I think these days it's always about the own demands, while ignoring the thing others want.
What I want to say is, in the context of the original question with the pierings, that the demand of her "that I have to accept her the way she is." has an equal weight to "I want to ask you for a change, in return to me changing something you want me to do."

I have the feeling that the idea to change yourself to better fit the needs of your partner became less and less important than the "You HAVE to accept and love me and I don't have to change ANYTHING" thought these days.
Just to say it clear. Yes. I am of course willing to change myself to be the perfect partner. Which also means that I can demand the same from my partner. And I mean minor things. Dying your hair, or having a certain lenght. Being a bit more muscular and in general more "attractive". Taking more care about my looks to be more pleasing to my partner. Maybe trying to change a certain behaviiour that she dislikes.

I am not talking about extreme things, like this whole "feeder" kink thing, or something like that. But things that are reasonable and maybe even benefitial. (I would love to have a partner and therefor a reason to get rid of my little belly.)

But I feel like this behaviour is almost demonitized these days. the "I have to accept you no matter what" completely overthrew the "I am willing to improve/change myself for you."

Or what do you think? What is wrong? What is right? I'd say that I never was in a real relationship, so I would like to know what people IN a relationship think about this topic.

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Added:	2 days, 13 hrs ago 24 Aug 2025 07:47 CEST

13 Comments on this Journal

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AmaraMcLeod

2 days, 12 hrs ago

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that is how i see it, i do not feel i should have to change myself for the world around me, because i am already just being me......to change would be to lie to myself and be something or someone i am NOT. So better for those around me or in my presense to just love and accept me, because i love and accept you all!

ZaiksMcKraven

2 days, 8 hrs ago

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@ AmaraMcLeod

yeah but exactly that is in my view the problem.
People aren't willing to adjust to other people requests anymore. "Take it or leave", is the situation. Now imagine you are for years in a relationship with someone you love but he starts a behaviour that you realy dislike.
Like.. he starts picking his nose and eatig the buggers in public or stuff like that. So you either accept that behaviour, or you leave him entirely? Both not the best options right?

I think a good relationship needs adjustments. it needs that you have to do things you dislike. Like joining a hobby you are not so much into. But you want to support your partner and therefor you join him. Or other way round, he changes his hobby so it suites both of you. Doesn't that sound better than just "take it or leave"?

AmaraMcLeod

2 days, 3 hrs ago

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@ ZaiksMcKraven

not that i dont understand, but all relationships come with acceptance, and everyone has something they do that you might not like, but some people do it entirely without meaning to

for example, when i eat, i cant breathe, so i try to bring in air through my nose which makes a sucking sound, my sister used to bitch and moan, gripe and groan, because of it. I totally did not even think much about it. But i had to tell her, "it is that, or i just dont eat, because i literally cannot breathe when i eat and am at risk of suffocating if i dont do that" so she had to accept, because it is true.....might be annoying, but its something i HAVE to do

now in your comment, yeah, picking your nose and eating your boogers is gross, but not something to be left over......but that is more a habit than anything, and habits can be broken. Sometimes i guess saying "either stop or we're done" might be effective but i would feel that would be more damaging to the relationship

KevinSnowpaw

2 days, 12 hrs ago

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Edited 2 days, 12 hrs ago by Owner

its complex... tatoos and peirceings are a cosmetic CHOICE

Excess waight is a consequence or a medical thing...being a little chubby probobly not a real HEALTH issue but it goes a bit beyound simple asthetics.

If I were dateing you adn concenred you waight was unhealthy or unattractive or both I would have a conversation with you abot it I would even offer to spend time at the gym WITH you why would I require of you what I am not willing to also do? besides Im not in fantastic shape either...

If we ate well and took better care of ourselves not only is it self love but it's an expresson of love for each other, and will hopefully live longer.

But I kinda get it from your perspective to I dont like facial periceings or tatoos. Nose rings skeeve me out for example.

ZaiksMcKraven

2 days, 8 hrs ago

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@ KevinSnowpaw

eating to much is (often, i know there are some rare exceptions) a choise too.

But I want to say, if I am willing to ignore my lazyness, my love for softdrinks, and spending much time and money in a gym or with sports equipment, can't I just ask my partner to also change something?

And to be fair, I think loosing a belly, is much harder then unscrewing some piercings.

I just think ther IS no perfect partner. There will always be some issues you find mildly annoying or you dislike with your partner. But in sum it might not be a problem. Great. But what if your partner is adult enough to just understand, that there is something he CAN do to, become a better partner, but then REFUSES to do. What does that say?

KevinSnowpaw

2 days, 8 hrs ago

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@ ZaiksMcKraven

Yeeeah Soft drinks... Dr pepper is my guilty vice XD

Your right working on yourself is much harder then just removeing some peirceings... but like It's kinda not that much of an issue ebcouse if you notice they have more peirceings then a Orc Warlord and a face tatoo maybe..dont date them XD

Your not wrong about sacrifices and compromises in a relationship though, but expecting your partner to make major changes to fit your designs, or vice versa, will only end the realtionship. "I can fix him" No...you cant...and they cant "fix you" you can work on yourselves or on each other but you should never try to turn a person into what you would prefer them to be and that goes the same the other way as well...your partner should not be trying to compell you to become sombody compeltly different...if thats the case then one or both people in that relationship was Looking for something very different then what they found and this wont work.

ZaiksMcKraven

2 days, 8 hrs ago

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@ KevinSnowpaw

I did not mean that I want to turn my partner completely around. Or to fix him.
I don't know why I should try to fix someone. As if people where broken. But it's more about respecting your one partners oppinion and maybe just stepping back once and let him have his will, for a better situation.

The funny thing is, IF you talk with an elder, to them something like this would be completely normal. They grew up in a society where everyone knows everyone and when you show a strnge behaviour you either get problems, or you adjust. Today with all of this XYZ-positivity, you can go through with everything because you turn into the poor supressed victim.
It just feels so childish to think "everyone has to accept everything I do, and I do not respect their wishes what so ever."

So basicly with that mind in head, I shouldn't worry about this whole problem so much. because such a girl I would drop immideatly. I want a woman.

KevinSnowpaw

1 day, 19 hrs ago

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@ ZaiksMcKraven

Sage wisdom! ;3

Blackraven2

2 days, 9 hrs ago

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You are on to something.

A relationship is all about compromises.

People, humans, (animals too) everyone is flawed. By flawed I mean have personality quirks that are in some way suboptimal especially in a relationship. That can be anything, from addiction to computer games, to the inability to walk by a chocolate bar without feeling the irresistibel urge to eat it, or a bad temper that when triggered leads to fights. Often, you don't notice these flaws during the first date, but when you know someone for longer they become apparent.

Often people are aware of these flaws, try to suppress them, hide them, or are ashamed of them themselves. Other times its part of their personality that they are unaware of. But almost always there are quirks that are part of a person that they cannot easily change.

This requires compromise and acceptance on the side of the partner to allow a relationship to work. One has to accept a partner with their flaws and quirks that they cannot change, or the relationship will not work. If a flaw of that kind is unacceptable for the partner and there is no workaround or compromise possible to get around the problem, the relationship will end in tears sooner or later.

However, there are also habits and preferences, often out of convenience, that can be changed given the right motivation and discipline. Your belly is probably a good example.

Think of a relationship as two rough, uneven surfaces that you want to glue seamlessly together. You cannot reshape either of the surfaces where they are hard and ungiving, but in other places the surface is soft and pliable and can fill the voids in the other. You cannot expect either partner to bend to the point of breaking just to match the other. But a bit of adaptation is needed and healthy. You can consider that character growth.

If both sides to expect the other to accept them just as is, without any willingness to adapt or change themselves it won't work. But these changes have limits in what is possible and feasible. Some things people cannot change.

Sometimes there are character traits that are unacceptable. I saw relationships where one partner had a worsening alcohol addiction combined with extreme aggressive denial when the topic was even brought up "I have NO problem!" -- needless to say, that relationship failed. No matter of adaptation or acceptance by the other could have saved that train wreck, sometimes you have to jump of a sinking ship before you are dragged down.

But the vast majority of pairings can be healthy if you find a balance between adaptation and acceptance. It always needs both. And it needs both from both side. A relationship where one partner is unwilling to change even a little and requires all the adaptation from the other is not a relationship at all, but abuse.

Gendasi

2 days, 7 hrs ago

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I may be an outlier in all this, but I feel that it's a complex matter when someone decides to alter their appearance.

I married a woman with no piercings or tattoos and just a little bit of meat on her bones. If she decided to just change something in a drastic way like putting a hole in her face to hang a hoop, that would be something I'd protest. Same as she would be upset if I decided to get a tattoo of Spongebob on my ass. I never liked the look of septum rings or eyebrow piercings, just not finding them attractive, so it would be uncomfortable to live with that every day on the face of someone I care for so dearly. My wife wouldn't care about the tattoo being on my ass so much as she'd object to the yellow cartoon character smiling at her each him I change my clothes.

I know that my wife likes me having a beard she can play with... but it itches and always grows in lop-sided, where no amount of gel of conditioner will help, so I just go with a goatee and 'stache. My wife knows I'm not into large, bold tattoos, so she's been looking at smaller, more elegant designs for her first. I think she has soft, beautiful hair, but she likes to keep it close to the scalp, so she leaves it a bit longer on top. She's embarrassed when we go out to eat in my novelty shirts, so I just wear those around the house... and Walmart.

We both remind one another that we can stand to lose a few pounds and do some walking so our butts don't get flat.

A relationship is communication, compromise, and sacrifice.

If you can't communicate that you dislike something, aren't willing to compromise (maybe matching Dexter's Lab tattoos), and aren't willing to set aside what YOU want for the sake of the RELATIONSHIP, you're not ready for a relationship. the last thing you want in a relationship is to feel uncomfortable around the person who makes you feel the most comfortable. It's a great way to torpedo your own happiness.

ChocolatePotatoes

2 days, 7 hrs ago

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There is no such thing as the perfect partner—38+years of marriage. It took me three tries to find the most compatible person to be with. We have been married for over 25 years now. Just try to be true to yourself first before asking others. If you prefer for your partner not to have face tattoos or piercings, that is perfectly fine. My wife and I have multiple tattoos, but the face is a huge no-no. I do not like septum piercings, and my wife agrees that it is just not our cup of tea. I have been losing weight because I want to. My wife is now heavier than I am, but I like chubby ladies, so it is a win-win! To sum it all up... it indeed takes two to succeed and two to fail. It is good to see someone willing to ask and adapt to others.

MeganBryar

2 days, 4 hrs ago

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This is why talking to your partner / prospective partner is so very important. It's good to find out what you're both willing to work on and what you're both unwilling to budge on as soon as possible, and to perhaps take the reasons why into account. For example, I adore women with really long hair but Grace keeps hers cut super short for work. (She works in a factory where a single hair getting into the finished product can potentially ruin a very expensive item. I miss the long-haired hottie I knew back in the day, but I've come to find her quite sexy in her Sinead O'Connor years, too.) Weight gain / loss isn't always as easy as all that, either, and some people are just built heavier than others. And so forth.

It is, of course, okay to ask for compromises and to have your hard no's. Rolling your last journal into this one, not liking facial piercings is perfectly valid. And I can kinda dig it. It does involve sticking bits of metal into yourself and just the idea of that can be bothersome to some people. If that's a deal breaker for a relationship, it's important for you both to know that. Same if she's unwilling to change them.

Talk to your partner. And go into things knowing that nothing is ever going to be perfect or ideal. Make peace with that. No matter what, there are things your partner does or likes that aren't going to be your thing. People are weird and complicated and the ideal relationship only exists in stories. That's not to say that being totally inflexible is okay, either. Compromise and striving to improve this or that to make your partner happy isn't a bad thing. (Though intent matters, too. Saying "you should lose weight 'cause you'd be sexier that way" is kind of a dick move. Gently encouraging your partner to lose weight so they'll be healither, and maybe joining them in their exercise regime as a show of support is a good thing.)

Talking is good. Compromise is good. Though I highly recommend thoughtfulness and tact in approaching potentially ticklish subjects like weight or piercings. Getting to know your partner is definitely good, especially before committing to live together. And what you like and dislike are valid. Just so long as you go into things willing to accept that, as the song goes, you don't always get what you want.