Brain sucks

by Plagoo

Howdy! I thought it might feel good to write this and post it into the void. It'll mostly be a vent journal, but if anyone wants insight into the workings of my brain, here ya go. And if not, you're still cool, have a good one :)

I sure do struggle a lot. My brain constantly tells me that I'm being a bother to people just by interacting with them. It's tough to make new friends or share who I am when the back of my mind keeps telling me I should only be talking to people when I'm being useful to them. I'm sure I've missed many opportunities cause of it, and given people the wrong idea about me. Even worse is the constant feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Not just not fitting in, but invasive thoughts telling me that I am making a space or community worse just by being there. I've worked really hard the past couple years to overcome this part of me, and I hope I keep getting better. Little bit by little bit. But I still get urges most weeks to just give it all up and go back to hiding in the corner. It would probably be easier than constantly fighting my brain, but I don't want to give up.

It's why I'm seemingly inactive for weeks or months at a time. And it's why I seem to never reach out to people or start chats. My brain is just too good at convincing me that I'm just here to be background noise. One of my biggest goals is to be able to move past this. To heal enough to get to the point where I don't have to deal with any of this anymore. I look forward to that day

If you read any of this: get yourself a little treat, you deserve it :)