I don’t know.
Three simple words, that from what I’ve experienced in all my 54 years in this body, no one likes to say.
No one including me.
I’ve condemned people in the past for refusing to admit they don’t know things that they don’t know, but I myself have been a hypocrite. That ends now.
I don’t know.
I don’t know my past. I don’t know my past lives, my past accomplishments, my past relationships, my past identities.
The only thing I do know is that Lilith is my soul name.
I’ve tried to convince myself that I can figure out who I am beyond merely the name through introspection, pondering, logic, listening to my instincts and feelings, and so on. But without actual evidence to back those things up, they are hollow at best. The only thing I am sure of is that I actually am Lilith. Beyond that, those three feared and dreaded words “I don’t know” apply.
And even the insistence of my heart on the name is in question. Lilith has never been a name that I myself would have willingly chosen, as it means “monster of the night” and I am neither a monster, nor am I nocturnal, I am a being of the day, preferring sunlight or, if it gets to be too much, shade on a bright sunny day.
I am awkard, I do have trouble understanding people, and I do creep people out, but I am no monster. Even though I have objectionable fantasies, they remain just that: fantasies. I am a moral person who believes in right and wrong, and while I love pornography and the freedom I depict in it, I myself am very reserved when it comes to sex, preferring solo quality time over any kind of partnership.
My life has improved since going by Lilith, but the same is true of when I went by Manasgael, and even Inanna, suggesting that it is not the name but rather the stability brought by having made a decision and sticking to it that leads to said improvement.
Ultimately, though, I don’t actually know anything other than that my soul insists that I am Lilith.
I also know that I like being Lilith, but at the same time have a worry that I might be lying to myself by claiming to be hir.
Because of this lack of knowledge, how can I be sure that any of the things I’ve said about myself, or about Lilith, or about any of my past lives, are correct or not?
Part of me wants to abandon this backstory I’ve created, but I neither know it to be true nor do I know it to be false. So I will keep it up for now, unless I find out that it’s false later on.
The only thing I know for sure at this point in time, is that my soul insists that I am Lilith.
I wish I had actual evidence, instead of just logic, thoughts, feelings, and instincts. The lack of evidence is the main reason I’ve been going through this spiritual game of musical chairs for as long as I have been.
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08 Aug 2025 18:58 CEST
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