In a couple of days I'll be going on my yearly trip to the seaside. I have not been active here lately: Chances are I'm not going to from here on. I'm still around daily to view and favorite posts, maybe comment on submissions I really like. When that too stops it will mean one of two things; Either the internet has gone away for good or my body has... it's a tight race which happens first but shouldn't be hard to distinguish. Until that time comes, I wanted to write what may be the last journal I post, to say the last things I felt are worth saying at this time. Yeah, it will be long as usual... there's no need to read it, just do if you feel like it.
Things are not good in this world right now, and each day they spiral into something somehow worse. Much of my life was spent on what I perceived to be a noble goal: Trying to warn others of what was coming and prevent this world from becoming a complete nightmare... not just for myself but anyone like me that may be born here, who I didn't want to face what I had to. Whether I did so the right way is another question... can only say I did what I felt was right at the time: I tried to desensitize people so they'd finally question control based on fear, cold as I may have gone about it at times. For that I faced every negative outcome possible, from lynch mobs to getting banned on services I was involved with almost daily... maybe I deserved it maybe not, hard to make up my mind on a few cases.
After many years the time has come, when what was once my crazy ramblings is now reality: People are officially being asked to issue photos of their face to use some Discord servers while Reddit is asking users to provide their passport to access internet forums, currently this is in Britain but I think we all know it's preparation for a worldwide rollout... at the same time Steam just announced enforcing the morality police of its payment processors who now dictate what developers may code in their games, just as every big platform has done with other content before them. Those are but a few very recent examples I was personally involved in, the list is long and extents to many many things. This world has become a Robocop movie script once imagined only in dystopian science fiction, the systems for brutal control of people's very thoughts are in place along with the surveillance to accompany the censorship. Guess I was right all along all those years... and believe me there's no satisfaction in saying it, I haven't won anything but rather lost any chance at being able to tolerate this world for at least a few years longer.
I know what's in store from here on out too, and once more I would be shunned for sharing it. That someday, even if this will be more than 10 years from now, CCTV cameras connected to law enforcement will be mandated in every household under the guise of ending all remaining crime... that people will be pressured to have devices in / on their bodies that report questionable thoughts or dangerous feelings, especially children under the guise that kids do dangerous things during puberty... all civilian cars mandated to have a killswitch and remote driving so police can stop them and make pursuits a thing of the past. I know you won't believe me... which I don't mind for my sake, just because no one will be prepared to stop it. By current trends this and more will happen in several years: It seems absurd now, but when the time for those ideas arrives they will seem obvious to future you, it will have happened so gradually and been presented so nicely you won't have even noticed. The only thing that can stop it is a collapse of industrial civilization which would render it technologically unfeasible, which is likely for a multitude of reasons... this one is easy to research, spend a few days on places like r/collapse look at official charts from resource depletion to environmental boundaries and you can tell what's baked in; Rather tragic to realize that collapse of modern life involving destruction of the planet is the more optimistic scenario, but hey that's the branching path humanity picked and I'm no longer judging. Of course it is in my nature to reject that kind of shit, the principles and behaviors I know are wrong... that I'm so glad for and would do all over again.
Back to the present, recent events are mostly why I stopped making art: I do not create with a Taliban style morality police holding a gun to my head, telling me what thoughts are permitted and who's allowed to see what in the name of "protecting" children from heresy or God even knows any more... it's not how I work, nor how I will exist. Before 10 years ago I hoped America would avoid China's cultural revolution (and model of running the internet) or at least the world at large wouldn't return to an 1800's Victorian era... then I knew better. Not sure if I mentioned this, but I once had plans to create entire movies in Blender, even AAA quality games... looking back I likely wouldn't have been able to without a large team, but if human civilization hadn't collapsed there was at least the chance. I know now none of that will happen: Don't care in a world without even autonomy of thought where governments attribute thoughts to individuals like robots... where you show ID to read a blog because a bunch of hippies are still afraid of porn swear words and ancient political symbols, as if they're scared of anything that may cause them to face their existence or shatter their illusion of a world that got it right. So much was ruined, not just for me but for countless others... often over nothing but delusions and doctrines, not even wars fought over resources or other physical limitations that couldn't have been avoided.
One of my dreams was to show to the world what really happened with me, and with the few like me that must have existed on this world. There are things I both wanted and didn't want the wold to know, alas it would be as pointless now as it was more than 20 years ago. Most wouldn't understand, a few would but they couldn't change anything and I'm not looking for a pat on the back. Frankly I'd rather humanity doesn't know, to me it doesn't deserve to know. Especially when it corrupts anything it gets their hands on, whether it's a tool or information: I can't imagine how some things would be (mis)used if they ever became popular knowledge, the way they distorted God and Jesus to keep people fearing both life and death would be a walk in the park compared to the manipulation that goes on today.
Those who could see beyond the facade know a few of the things I don't make public. I don't have words like "otherkin" or "starseed" in my profile for no reason. I stopped there since even if I wanted to say more, words are too limited for the task, they couldn't cover even a glimpse for those who didn't experience such a life on their own: A good Disney film may get the point across in an accurate portrayal, but this sort of thing isn't part of pop culture and I pray it stays that way. Yet part of me still wanted others to know; To glimpse what it's like to be born in the body of a completely alien species, to live a whole lifetime among unrecognizable beings who's culture and thinking you can't even understand... to indirectly remember entire worlds and know how you're supposed to look, hoping whoever designed this construct put a failsafe in place and eventually they'd open some portal or arrive on spacecraft to make contact with Earth and find me. Took long enough to realize that won't be happening... not because they can't, but because it would be harmful both to them and this deluded world that lives in forgetting itself, most would see it as an invasion and the government is gladly waiting to blow a few things up say the ET's did it and "unite the world against a common enemy". Crazy... I even feel my affinity for working on and flying space ships as if I did it during this life, wonder if next time I'll remember the feeling of being a developer on old binary computers and compiling code in consoles to fix bugs. Yeah, I know: Few, very few in fact, will actually feel and understand what I just said... most will shrug, and that's okay; I only said this much to know it's recorded somewhere, so a few see that some of us remember whether others like it or not, maybe that does something someday.
For a variety of inevitable reasons that are approaching, I feel my time here is drawing to an end. I don't want anyone to worry for me: Whatever may or may not happen in the future, I know now that I'll be okay. I know I won't get to complete many things I may have been born here for, though in my 36 years here I'd say I've done more than enough to be satisfied. I've experienced everything I was going to... the past years have only been a repeat of the exact same routines, except each year is more absurd than the last. While my upsettance with this life left wounds that will persist long after it, I ultimately forgive this world and those I encountered on it; For the longest time I wanted to see this world destroyed, dreamed of nuclear war or natural disasters finally putting an end to life here... not out of malice in the way you imagine, just wanted no other soul to have to deal with this: I no longer wish it... to be frank I no longer wish anything for this place, it doesn't deserve the attachment of any grudge or expectation on my behalf, as far as I'm concerned this weird dream has already ended. I know it was my decision to come here, that for some reason I chose to experienced this... just hope I didn't do anything evil in the actual real world and this isn't some rehabilitation simulation, probably not and I think I'm fine :)
Since people are still asking for them, I'll provide a link to my old animations which are still available on my Mega drive. Consider them royalty free: Share wherever you want, credit me if you feel like it... one of the dumb concepts I never believed in was copyright. I suggest backing them up and mirroring them soon since there's no guarantee as to how long even that service will last! As far as software goes, most of everything I've worked on can be found on my Github account... this includes various things from HTML projects to Minetest mods, I even wrote a whole voxel raytracing engine in Python to feel alive.
I end by saying this: Follow only what you truly feel at your core, no matter what you've been taught and how unquestionable it may seem, even basic things your mind was trained to presume as a toddler, This doesn't mean not listening to others nor deceiving yourself: It means that if something feels right or wrong, don't ignore it because you're told it can't be questioned. Don't look in your mind if you're unsure, rather in your resonance... it's subtler and doesn't use words to tell you, you know it when you know things without knowing. As Skeletor would say, until we meet again!
Glad it inspired some people, that's part of why I wanted to have this posted. Anarchist and libertarian too, I'm sick of both sides as democrat left and conservative right are both hypocrites and authoritarian when their side wants it... those sides are a distraction anyway, puppets in a show played by those who actually rule. I believe in limited government and enough law enforcement to prevent real crimes, instead of a cult trying to turn the whole planet into some church of good morals micromanaged by oligarchs acting as priests... feels like the inquisition all over again except they took God out of the picture since they want to play that role too.
Glad it inspired some people, that's part of why I wanted to have this posted. Anarchist and liberta
