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I want freinds.

by FuzzFace

I don't usually say a lot about myself. I'm a loner, and have had no irl friends in... since 2012. I only knew them for a year though. Prior that, I didn't know anybody for seven years, somehow made a friend out of pity back in 2001, I knew them for four years, and we just drifted apart.

So though my entire life, I made two friends, and I can't even speak to them.

I don't know. I guess...If I do die someday, I want to have somebody that can come here, and let you all know that I have been wiped off the face of the Earth. My little stories are just that, and I'm not sure how much of this isolation I can take anymore.

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Added:	2 months ago 09 Jun 2025 09:38 CEST

17 Comments on this Journal

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TwoTails

2 months ago

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I'll try to reply later today (monday), I gotta sleep for now.

TobyBaggins

2 months ago

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*hugs* I hope your alright. And I feel the same way sometimes about wanting to make sure someone can tell others of my passing. I don't know your situation, why your isolated and why you have no irl friends, but I hope that can change for you. There are care lines you can call if you just need to hear a voice and there is the 988 Lifteline https://988lifeline.org/

FuzzFace

2 months ago

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@ TobyBaggins

*Hugs back* Thanks. I am feeling a bit better. Some days are worse than others. Most days I can carry on just fine. You're a good one.

TwoTails

2 months ago

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Well, that probably makes you far more normal than you'd like to be.

Anyway, I cant have RL friends anymore, my health is too unstable so people lose patience with me for "not being any fun".
I hate explaining that to people.

I had some friends long ago, not too few but not many.
Of course most moved away from the rural hellhole, so have no idea what became of them (since internet was a late thing here, so no contact info), a few others died because of this said hellhole (2 ran over b/c redneck drivers, 1 or 2 from preventable illness b/c hospital is run by invalids, etc.)
A few that I didn't know long enough, were worrying, in retrospect I have to assume some sad ending involving family issues.
Plus other worries - like I'm about 1/3 convinced a furry I don't get along with is a distant relative I don't want any contact with anyway.

You might have some luck if you just go to a fur con with no expectations.
I've seen photos of furcons - so no need to worry about appearances if that is a concern (plenty of super-geek, elders & "salt of the Earth" peeps there. Though I'd probably qualify more as a zombie (joking/not joking)).
I never been, but mainly because I'd probably end up puking & passing out & getting stranded, etc. not that I could ever afford anyway.
If I remember you're probably closer to that Chicago one than I am.
I mention because I knew of some online people in a similar situation to you, most of them did eventually find someone and a place to be happier. Basically it required finding exploreable paths - not so much the seemingly impossible destinations.
I mention 'no expectations' because I'm aware there's a random chance you might get too overwhelmed if you attempt to keep up with "big crowds", so the better option is to just be in a tourist mode - like just lurk, maybe interact on a few misc things & buy a few trinkets of interest.

I sorta know the feeling though, I'm not getting much help from this backwoods health system, I looked up what happens to people like me that go untreated (clot strokes & cancer is highly probable at any moment, to a lesser extent - a lethal meltdown).
And I have no one that can carry on my projects.

FuzzFace

2 months ago

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@ TwoTails

Well hey! That makes us two unstable peoples!
When I see others have fun, uhh, I guess, "Being Bros," I'm like, naaa...I don't get male culture.I mean, I do, but I do not wish to mix with it's orcish nature. I think I'm about the same way as you like that. I think it's funny we both live in the rural areas.

You are good with your hands, I think. you're always going collecting parts and I'm over here being an ignorant. You're a smart cookie, you know that?

I'm sorry about what happened to your friends. Life is fragile, man. I try to take spiders I find in the house outside, I do my best to not be malicious. Except against wasps. Wasps are jerks, always. I don't think I could even comprehend the trouble you go through on the daily. I can led you my ear anytime you wanna talk it off here.

I can't stand social situations, like conventions. I would just love to stay the heck away from those. Maybe if I didn't go to one alone, it would be different. Then we have a catch 22! Having a friend means not leaving to find more friends! It's pretty funny.

But, I guess some of those jokes I just did is also to help put you in a good mood, too. I believe people want to help others, perhaps it's empathy -- Then you also have sociopaths that are pretty well the opposite, and unfortunately, the world is run by those. I'm sorry you have such a shitty backwater health system. Just a couple months ago I was having a mental breakdown in a clinic for over an hour, just really heavy crying. The do call the ambulance, and they try so many things to get me in there, like threatening me with the police.
But it's a trap. Emergency visit my butt! So my heavy crying fumed into explosive rage, and basically told them all off and drove home. Pretty sure I said a whole lot of swear words.

But maybe we can talk here and there, it might make me feel better, and you, too. Maybe after the mind heals a little, we can focus on the body, and then the body helps heal the mind even more. It's a feedback loop in ways. I know I can't really help you, but, feeling hopeless is also pretty bad. Sometimes having somebody there to help peel off the burden is just what you need.

TwoTails

1 month, 4 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

I don't know about unstable, most of the time I feel nothing (aside from ill).
I mean I can get irritated, but considering the extraordinary level of stupidity coming from people out here - I've been more than patient with them.

I used to do some "fun" things but long ago when I wasn't feeling like shit most of the time.

Used to be good at tinkering, I can't focus anymore. Last time I was "on a roll" was 2011.

I'm stuck taking care of 3 dozen mice because they're helpless beggars. I mean a few wild/mean/destructive ones I did have to kill though.

Had a few breakdowns but the only way I could deal with those was to withdraw from everything for a week or two, no sources of frustration - no TV, phone off, no complicated meals, nothing, just nothingness.(probably not recommended for most people though, not like a particularly efficient method anyway), was probably the closest things to vacations I can ever get.

"Mind over matter" cant do anything for permanent damage and infections though.
What needed to be done isn't available to me.

FuzzFace

1 month, 4 weeks ago

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Edited 1 month, 4 weeks ago by Owner

@ TwoTails

Damn it, I had a reply almost ready and I swiped my phone to the left by accident, brought me back a screen, and delete the whole thing.
Stupid phone.
I'll probably try to remember what it was tomorrow.

TwoTails

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

You don't say.

FuzzFace

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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Edited 1 month, 3 weeks ago by Owner

@ TwoTails

My apologies. I helped my dad move his tracker and hurt myself. Felt that this morning. Dogs chewed up a cat, and I had to bury it. in the first area I chose, there was a deer warning me to back off, snorting and all that.

I had a bit on my mind, a lot happened. But, thanks for reminding me.

Feeling nothing can be life draining. And...having you wait on a reply does not help. But, the best we can do is try to surround ourselves with people that makes us feel better.
That's just impossible these days.

I forgot you were taking care of mice. Poor guys 😩

I get breakdowns...quite a bit. Or used to. I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night. Some night's I'd be okay. But, It got less frequent over the years, and I think I'm doing better about it. And I've noticed that when either the body or mind starts failing, it tends to bring the other down with it. I like to try to think of it as a feedback loop. Try to help one part, and hopefully other parts feel better, too.

TwoTails

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

That was more a humorous cliche, only slightly biting at worst.
More thought you simply forgot to say something you wanted to.
Actually almost ditto on alot of that stuff, had to peel off several dead mice off a circulation fan, and gnats & mosquitoes starting to be a problem again, arm strain isn't healing - had that for months but still have to lift way too much stuff around to get to rather trivial chores.

FuzzFace

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ TwoTails

Have you tried hot and cold therapy on your strains? Something hot for 15 minutes, wait a couple hours, then something cold for 15 minutes. Repeat as needed.

"By rotating between each temperature therapy, you’re reducing inflammation and loosening muscles simultaneously, increasing your chances of pain relief."
Is what it says.

TwoTails

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

I think I tried everything.
I'm fairly sure some muscles were ripped & destroyed long ago because there's a noticeable indentation that winds around the arm that isn't on the other. So no surprise it always feels strained from any lifting, it's probably the lateral muscles having to take over that aren't optimal for the task.

FuzzFace

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ TwoTails

I know the body is supposed to heal naturally and all, but some things just can't be fixed. It is nice to have somebody ask, maybe help put us in a good mind of spot.
I could probably look up some physical therapy, maybe some you might be able to do by yourself without much supplys.

TwoTails

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

I waste half my time looking for solutions that usually end up not existing.
The few that do exist (like medicines for nervous system inflammation) are only available to rich people.
They're called "orphan class drugs", meaning intentionally rare & special order only, as in $6000/month.
Is a common obstacle, actual cures are hidden, people only get shitty treatments that don't really solve much, so forces people to keep desperately paying for snake-oil garbage that goes nowhere instead.

TwoTails

1 month, 3 weeks ago

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@ FuzzFace

I mention that because H3 inflammation exactly matches my symptoms I had since was a kid.
Even right down to the particular types of sleep problems, disorientation & lack of healing properly.
(Which might be a problem that many other people have regarding plastic/PFAS ingestion, veg/fruit pesticides & infections caused by parasites like mosquitoes or ticks, etc).
Stuff like Ibuprofen does help but it would be deadly toxic to keep taking that full time, obviously.
That's why that more direct (non-relaxant type of) antihistamine would be important.

SpringTheBun

1 month, 1 week ago

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I understand how that feels, and all I can give you is to offer my time and attention, try to give you advise and spend time together so that you don't feel alone, I also struggled with that and it was hard overcoming loneliness, and I wish you that you can soon feel better, recover, and keep in mind that you are still appreciated, that friends that can't be with you irl, doesn't mean they can't have the same meaning to your heart, you always have chances to make more friends to meet new people, that share your interests and can connect really well, whenever you need, my dms are always open if you wanna chat, I'd be glad to help you and knoe each other a little, anything I can do to help you be happy, whatever happens, we all hope the best for you ^^