So, I just posted a story, this one: Fatigue (Vent Story) And I feel I need to explain some things in more details. This will be a long Journal, so I understand if people don't read it all, but I need to say all this somewhere.
First off, yes, Aryl is my self-insert. She is me, with a few variations. Physical gender being the biggest, and previous career being the other. But beyond that, it's pretty much me.
To address what is likely the biggest concern first: No, I am not suicidal. I have had those darker thoughts, but a lot of people do. But I have said before and will say again, I will never go there. Unless I am terminally ill and already going to die and choose to go more gracefully than a slow, agonizing death. But that hasn't happened yet. God willing, it never will.
I am turning 41 in a few days, on May 8th. And I'm feeling my age. And I'm feeling my age gap from the majority of people that read my work or interact with me, or are just in the wider furry community in general. Being of the older group still in the fandom, I feel myself separate from most. But being involved in something with so many younger people also makes me feel... childish compared to people my own age.
I have always been the other. The odd man out. Not a part of the group. Not just with furries, but anything. Any group, fandom, or anything else. Even political or religious groups I'm different than the norm. My opinions are rarely the same as those around me, and even when I'm among groups of similar opinions, my hobbies are foreign to them. Among similar hobbyists, my other interests or opinions again differ wildly.
This has quite literally always been the case for my whole life. When I was an infant, my mother and aunt would joke that "There's everyone else, and then there's (real name)." This has never changed. When I had my massage business, that was even my slogan. 'There is everyone else, and then there's (business).' It has been a source of pride... but also pain. I can never truly be one of the group. I never get to be a part of a pride movement, or a collective of like minded people. I'm always the outsider that can't share more than the one interest with everyone else. I am the forever-other.
This is not the only issue I have. A little history. My grandmother had a stroke when I was 12, and my grandfather was diagnosed with Alzheimer's only a few years later (but we already knew). My mother and I lived with them, her parents, and were their primary caregivers. As such, I had to grow up very fast. I never really got to be a teenager like many others. So I've had issues... with being an adult. I guess my mental growth was a bit stunted because of that, and even now, I just feel like a teenager trapped in an old man's body.
I have had the discord issues before. I have an uncanny knack for saying things that get people angry or offended without trying or meaning to. It's part of the outsider issue. I always feel like I can never say what I want to anymore. I have to walk on eggshells all the time, because one slip and I'll offend half the people around me, start an argument, kick off a flame war, or incite some negative response. Even if that doesn't happen, people will always feel compelled to tell me how I'm wrong, or my opinion is incorrect, or my experience doesn't matter. I've been kicked out or forced to leave several discord servers because of this. I admit that my own behavior has not been the most graceful in leaving these places, but that it's happened more than once is... a problem. I'm the problem. I'm always the problem.
The... intimate incident mentioned in the story. That happened to me. In 2013, there was a woman who... I allowed to use me, despite my own morals and feelings of discomfort at the time. I didn't struggle, and there was no direct force, but I was not comfortable with everything, despite what my body said to the contrary. Yes, she did get so drunk that she pissed herself in front of me, and that was when I finally realized I was allowing this... creature... to use me, and I cut it off.
I really I don't know if any of that counts as rape or not, or even if it counts as abuse or not. I could have stopped her, and I should have, but I didn't. I allowed it to happen. But because of this incident, I have never been intimate with anyone else again. I don't feel comfortable being that vulnerable with anyone. She was not my first, but she was my last. Since then, I haven't even had anything resembling a partner, intimate or otherwise. Even my friends I keep somewhat at arms length now. It certainly doesn't help with me feeling like the forever-other.
And there's the issue of being very poor. I can't hold a normal job. I've tried. I can't do it. And now most places won't even hire someone like me anyway. My sleep schedule is too wild and unpredictable for any regular job. My mental health issues that likely need medication I'll never afford prevent me from keeping any job for more than a few months. My physical limitations now prevent me from getting most basic jobs. And online jobs are unpredictable and unreliable.
My subscribers and the rare times I take commissions are the only source of money I have. I exist only by the grace of my mother's generosity. She pays far more than she should for her 41 year old son. To the point that I honestly feel terrible how much of my life she pays for. She shouldn't have to give up so much for a man who should be able to take care of himself... but can't.
The physical issues. Those are... actually worse than in the story. I did Massage Therapy for 12 years, and in that time healing other's bodies, I ironically destroyed my own. My knees are shot, probably will need to replace the left one. My ankles crack when I move them, my back is always sore, and my hands and wrists have arthritis. My left hand is partially numb from nerve damage. My eyes are failing me more and more each day. Not to the point of blindness, I can somewhat see without them, but they are in constant pain. I have a sensitivity to light that has only grown worse over the last few decades. And I get constant ear infections. I even had to retire from my career because of the arthritis. Failed business because of something so mundane... doesn't help.
My hair is so grey now. Not all of it, but about half. And almost all of my beard.
I am fat. Not morbidly obese, but I'm fat. I don't even know how these days, since I barely eat anymore, and what I do is more healthy than what I used to eat... but I'm still fat.
My motivation has been... waning. I still love to write, obvious by the long stories I still put out. But it can be hard to find the effort sometimes. I feel like I'm being lazy when I'm not writing, but I stare at a page and can't find the words to put down. I will finish a story and feel like I should immediately start the next one. I force myself to take breaks, because I will hyper-fixate when I finally start writing, to the point I will forget to eat. But then I'll go days where I can't write a sentence or paragraph without hating it and throwing it all away.
I'm always tired. And not sleepy, but as the story's name implies, fatigued. Sleep does nothing for me. I go to bed tired. I wake up tired. I go through the day tired. I go to bed again tired, and the cycle continues. I don't ever feel rested. Just slightly less tired for a short time.
Oh, and the random karen encounter in the super market. That actually happened to me. I have no idea what the fuck that was about. Some people are just too angry all the time. I can't understand it. But I have problems feeling anything these days. I don't feel sad. If feel pathetic. I should be better than this, better than how I am, how I act, how I work... but apparently I'm not.
I think that's about all of the self-inflicted truama-dumping I should do for now. This journal has gone on long enough, and I don't expect most will even read it. But I had to put this all down. Thank you to anyone who did waste their time reading me whining about myself.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm not stopping my writing. I'm not going to do anything dramatic to myself. I just had to put these words somewhere.
I felt I needed to finally get them out there, instead of bottling things up until they explode and I cause a scene again. And I keep saying I've been dealing with my own things. I felt the need to actually explain what some of those things are.
I felt I needed to finally get them out there, instead of bottling things up until they explode and
There's a lot in here I can relate to, and some I can't. And there's so much in here that I can't do my normal thing of giving my personal experience and advice for a problem, and honestly, these days, I don't want to. Too many people these days, just want attention and not actual actual change, and I don't want to be a part of that. And i'm not saying that about you, i'm just doing a little of my own venting.
First I'll say, i understand what you mean by feeling like a problem and always having to walk on eggshells. I've had similar issues IRL, but the furry fandom hasn't made it much better. So far, the only benefit is being able to talk about some of these extreme topics without judgment... most of the time. I think i've come to my own realization that 90% it has nothing to do with me. People are just dealing with their own battles, and sometimes you just become their target. And there's nothing you can do about it, but take the hit and move on.
Second, the frustration of relying on your parents because you can't work a normal job, is something I understand all too well. I can't say I have any advice for you there, but I feel your pain.
Well, i'm sorry I don't have more to say. I can only hope things get better for you, but that's your battle to fight And all I can do is cheer you on, so good luck. And if you want to reach out to me and talk about it, you can, but that up to you.
There's a lot in here I can relate to, and some I can't. And there's so much in here that I can't do
I appreciate that. I do. I just keep seeing where I am, and where I could be, and where I'm not... and it hurts. And constantly existing straddled between extremes in so many ways has never helped. I walk in a dozen different worlds, but never fully a part of them, and it's so easy to cross the lines and not recognize it until someone's gotten upset.
And I'm fine with helping others to vent too... which is probably part of my problem... I know a big part of the issue for me is somewhat selfish... or a lot selfish. I give and I give, but I get little back. I like giving, and I don't expect much back, but I do want it sometimes. I'm careful around others, and it always feels like people don't care about me, or don't appreciate how careful I'm being for their sake. They don't need to, of course, but I'd like it if they did. I try not to act out, but put up with others doing it. When I finally say something, I'm punished for it.
And I do get that appreciation and kindness. I do have friends I can talk to about a lot of things. But when it is the vast majority give the other response, the negative one, it can be hard to see the good ones and appreciate them through the fog. Like I said, I know it's selfish of me, but when so many people are being selfish, I feel like I should deserve to be a little selfish once in a while, too, y'know? I just want someone to say that I'm right. Or to get recognition for what I do, or have done. Maybe a little too much, but everyone wants some appreciation from time to time.
The other problem is whenever I do get it, I suddenly don't feel like I deserve it anymore. All goes back to the... problems of getting close. I want it, but I can't accept it. I feel like I deserve something, but don't deserve to feel like that. That I'm just being egotistical and selfish and greedy. It even took me a long time to decide if I should post any of this in the first place, because who am I to ask for anyone to read this nonsense? And I still feel like I should delete all of it, logging off of everything, and retreating into a video game for days.
I'm rambling, but this is the kind of thing that goes through my head everyday. Every time I want to say something, I have to question myself, and then question if I should even be questioning in the first place. I don't think there is a solution, not a quick one for sure. Like I said, this is all me just venting things out there to the ether. Putting my jumbled mess of thoughts to some kind of word form.
I appreciate that. I do. I just keep seeing where I am, and where I could be, and where I'm not... a
I understand. I feel like I should be better, and I know I can be better, but no matter how hard I work, it doesn't feel like anything changes. I try and help others in the hopes that maybe things can change for them, but it doesn't. It just feels like we're all going in circles, and nothing is getting better, and we just keep ending up at the same horrible place over and over again. I guess the only positive thing I can say is that you're definitely not the only person who feels this way. I want things to be better, and i'm going to keep trying, and I hope you did too, but it doesn't feel like it's getting better
I understand. I feel like I should be better, and I know I can be better, but no matter how hard I w
There's plenty of people in the fandom in their 30's, 40's, and some in their 50's and even 60's. This fandom isn't just for people who are young and many stay in it as they've come to love it and don't want to part with it.
As for the remainder of the post....I'll followup on it in a reply to this.
There's plenty of people in the fandom in their 30's, 40's, and some in their 50's and even 60's. T
I find a lot of people succumb to a life of less joy as they grow up as they don't feel like they're free to be happy. That's not as extreme a problem as it used to be, but still - you shouldn't worry about not being "normal". What's normal is very much changing these days.
You can do certain exercises to help reduce the stress on your knees, so there's definitely hope there.
Aging sucks, sure. Happens to everyone. But you can do stuff to make it suck less! Exercising with proper form helps a lot with energy and reducing pain.
Sorry to hear about the sexual encounter you had a decade ago. That....sounds like something a psychologist would be best suited for providing guidance on, but I realize that costs money. So maybe helping in other areas may boost your spririts some.
Finally - I don't know the living environment you're currently in but if it isn't clean, you can feel depressed if your immune system is constantly fighting off pathogens in the air.
I find a lot of people succumb to a life of less joy as they grow up as they don't feel like they're
Okay. I know you're just trying to help here, and I do very, very much appreciate all of that, and the attempt as a whole. Genuinely, thank you for it. So all that said, please don't take what I'm about to say as too negative. I probably shouldn't get defensive here, but this is all me trying to help myself by putting thoughts into words, so do forgive me for... well, being defensive... in no particular order.
I'm aware. Of all of that. As stated, I was a massage therapist for 12 years. That's part of the medical profession, specifically geared to helping and healing the body when it's vulnerable, especially from stress. I know all about how stress influences the body on a technical level, better than most. I also have a black belt in Taekwondo (which I know I didn't mention). I stretch every day. Proper stretches, not something from some yoga tiktok. That doesn't help the fact that I've worn down the connective tissue around my joints from repetitive motion and general aging. Oh, and Glucosamine supplements do not work, they're mostly a placebo. Unfortunately at this point, the only 'fix' is surgery, and... that's money.
I'm aware there are other older people within the fandom. I'm friends with a few of them. The point I was making is that we are few and far between. The fandom is made up in the majority by younger people. It's fine, I first got into furries when I was a teenager. The point is that even though there are some older furries, most aren't, and I can feel very out of place as a result. Even unwelcome at times.
I never worry about being 'normal' since there is no such thing. But not fitting in within literally any group has been a problem my whole life. It is a source of pride that I'm unique, but it leads me to being very alone, too. Being unique does not always mean being useful or welcome. It just means you stand out, whether you want to or not.
And... yeah, I do eventually need to get another therapist some day. But as you correctly said, that costs money I really don't have. But I have gone to them in the past, and I know what some of the techniques are, and what they'd say. I've... not necessarily come to terms with what happened, certainly not moved on from it, but... accepted that it happened. And what it's done to me mentally. Which is... a new positive only from the last few years.
I know ALL of this stuff, and more... and I'm still where I am. I honestly wish I wasn't as smart or knowledgeable as I am. At least then I could claim ignorance for some of my problems, instead of just... failing to live up to my own expectations. And this isn't me going "Oh no, there's no help, woe is me" blah blah blah. No. I'm just sounding things out to... I dunno, see them physically, instead of just in my head.
Okay. I know you're just trying to help here, and I do very, very much appreciate all of that, and t
No offense taken. And I was thinking more building up your front quads around your knees so they take some of the load off various movements - not just stretching. I have no prior knowledge in what massage therapists are trained in - I am more familiar with weight lifting and physical therapy.
And Taekwondo? Ouch that is definitely not knee friendly. But I'm sure you already know that.
As for the age of people in the fandom....
This has happened to *every* fandom that is Internet-centric. The Internet used to be a much less populated place than it is now. That is reflected in the amount of people you see in age brackets now. This isn't specific to furry - you see the same thing in anime and gaming and tech-centric communities.
You've clearly had different experiences than I have - while I see plenty of younger people in the fandom I've also had no problem finding older ones as well. Likely a function of the specific furry interest groups I'm in that has a pretty good spread of various ages. But I'm more tech- and techy-art focused for the groups I'm in.
But...ultimately me talking of my experiences isn't going to change yours if you're sticking with the communities you're already familiar with. And I get the impression I know what you're pining for culture wise - I'm sad we're no longer in those times too. I've found I personally just speak my mind with only a handful of people - everyone else I speak with on only a few topics I know we share in common. Can't be my whole self with everyone anymore, but I can be different parts of myself with different groups of people.
No offense taken. And I was thinking more building up your front quads around your knees so they ta
Your experiences are just as valid as anyone else's. And you are partially right about not being able to speak one's mind as freely, but I also understand why such times change. It's just such a strange day to live in. People will tout that you should be true to yourself, while at the same time saying that being a certain kind of person or way is wrong, but ill define and constantly change what those wrongs actually are. But the world of man has always existed in ever-shifting double standards, since long before any of us were around, and will continue to be this way long after.
Taekwondo actually isn't so bad on the knees. It's the ankles that I had an issue with. Broke my ankle over-practicing a spinning kick when I was a teen. Not a complete fracture, and I didn't know it until days later, after having been forced to run the mile at school the day after a belt test that likely saw the break happen. But that black belt and training are, even to this day, over 25 years later, one of my biggest sources of pride. My first major accomplishment that had meaning. I don't practice anymore, but I do still use the stretches and exercises to get my body warmed up for a day. The deep breathing form is a personal favorite. And the experiences are ones I draw upon when writing fighting stories, which is a part of why I love doing them so much.
Your experiences are just as valid as anyone else's. And you are partially right about not being abl
I also had to grow up fast from grand parents and then parents dying, leaving me to care for one for 7 years. It literally stalled my life where all I was doing was work, care, sleep, care, work, care, sleep, repeat. It also prevented me from doing what I wanted to do growing up.. as I got accepted to the job I wanted...
Somehow I found myself here at my age, as I'm just behind you, and I understand that thought all too well. Can be very weird at times interacting with other people here at times.
Don't have any super great advice, I'm literally awake between jobs reading this. Just that I love your work and still plan to get more from you. I'm going through burnout currently and just... don't know what to do to even relax. Being an adult sucks...lol
We have.. a fair amount in common. I also had to grow up fast from grand parents and then parents d
Yeah. Being a child sucks, you want to be an adult. Being an adult sucks, you want to be a child again. Being a teenager sucks because you're grown up enough to have responsibilities, but not grown up enough to have any control. Being old sucks because your body is failing you while your mind is still there but no one listens to your experiences and you're out of touch with the new stuff.
Life just sucks.
Yeah. Being a child sucks, you want to be an adult. Being an adult sucks, you want to be a child aga
Yeah. Like I said in a few responses, this is me trying to just put this all out there somewhere so it's not bottled in. And sharing it with the people to let them get an idea what I mean when I say 'I'm dealing with some personal issues.'
Yeah. Like I said in a few responses, this is me trying to just put this all out there somewhere so
I have met a couple of us that are around the same age, but we are an increasing minority. Which, again, is normal. Most people our age have those silly lives and careers and families to worry about.
I have met a couple of us that are around the same age, but we are an increasing minority. Which, ag
First, before I ask this question, I just wanna apologize because I don't really have much to say.... I'm kinda bad when it comes to topics like this because, while I have different experiences, I... I don't know, I'm autistic I don't really know what to say, one time my friend was talking about killing themselves and I kinda freaked out, so that shows I don't really know how to handle topics like this.
Even though I kinda moved passed my gore phase, I still really liked your writing style, so I have to ask, why do you keep commissions closed alot?
Sorry for asking if this is not the best place to ask....
First, before I ask this question, I just wanna apologize because I don't really have much to say..
I understand. And it's why I constantly say that as dark as I may go or write or vent, I am not so far that suicide is an option on the table. I would not put the people I consider friends through that kind of grief. As selfish as I'd sometimes like to be, that is a kind of selfishness that I refuse to inflict on people close to me.
And the answer is related to this topic, so this is a fine place for the question. I still have yet to finished stories that I owe to some people. I feel it is unfair to them to take new commissions before I finish those. I know my writing is somewhat prolific, but it's my work. I find a hard enough time to get the motivation for my own work. Finding the motivation for a story for others is often even harder. And that's not fair to any new commissioners, either. I don't want to take someone's money, only to end up not writing their story for months and giving excuse after excuse.
I understand. And it's why I constantly say that as dark as I may go or write or vent, I am not so f
I yeah i understand then I one time commissioned someone and it took like two years for them to finish, so I understand why you would be hesitant to take commissions if you think it would take forever.
And yeah thanks for hearing me out, I kinda felt like I didn't deserve to ask you any questions or even comment on here because, to be completely honest, I haven't read anything from you in a while as my gore and stuff phase has passed (though maybe I'll get back into it? Who knows)
I yeah i understand then I one time commissioned someone and it took like two years for them to fini
It is fine. YOU are fine. This is the perfect place to ask such questions, with me talking about myself. Or you can DM if you are unsure.
And I understand wanting to move away from certain... extremes. I've fluctuated in my desires as time goes on. But I find myself returning to guro and extreme often. But at the same time, I am fully aware that not everything is for everyone. I love coffee, I know people that hate it. Many people love chocolate, I can't stand it. Everyone is entitled to their own tastes, even if they shift over time. I've been debating for some time making a separate account for my non-gore/extreme stories, for people like you that would wish to read my works but not sift through the blood and guts to find the few without. XP Author lite, as it were.
It is fine. YOU are fine. This is the perfect place to ask such questions, with me talking about my
Thanks lol! Final thing I should clarify, i do still have some extreme stuff I'm into (specifically of the cub variety) so it's not like like I've moved away from extreme stuff entirely lol, not to say I wouldn't like an xp author lite!
Thanks lol! Final thing I should clarify, i do still have some extreme stuff I'm into (specifically
Cub isn't really extreme around these parts, haha. But I get what you mean. I'll keep thinking about it. I think I've just about built up enough of a list of stories to put into a gallery so it wouldn't look bare for how infrequently I write non-snuff stuff. I'm coming up on 5 years around here. Might be a good time to do the account split.
Cub isn't really extreme around these parts, haha. But I get what you mean. I'll keep thinking about
One final thing, have you thought about getting disability? I know it's hard to apply for and stuff but I'm on it and I'm better off than you I would think,
One final thing, have you thought about getting disability? I know it's hard to apply for and stuff
I have tried in the past, but I don't seem to qualify. It has been some time, so I could try again, but since my issues are not... as debilitating as they tend to look for, it's unlikely. They don't usually give disability for simple arthritis. I can still function, I'm just not as functional as I'd like.
I have tried in the past, but I don't seem to qualify. It has been some time, so I could try again,
