Hi there, folks. I know I am getting very delayed when it comes to requests.
The truth is, I am in a bit of a busy period, and it will probably continue until I finish the thesis in summer 2026. I am going to enroll in yet another master degree next course, simultaneously to the redaction of the thesis, because next year will be the last one). I am also taking an english exam on 9th May, and, while I did my best to try to compaginate, the truth is I fell a bit behind, and I need to put up a little extra effort on that, as I don't want to fail :P
Afterwards, I will be going back to Madrid for another research stay, so I probably won't be available for another several weeks. So, soon, I will probably have very little to no time for anything else other than work, so I will try to keep up the requests, but I won't really know when I'll find time to pull them out, this is, the day limit will be removed for now. It doesn't mean I lost my motivation, but life won't solve on its own, so here I am in this sticky situation.
Although, in my personal forum, I think, the less free time I have, the better it is for me at the end of the day.
(A bit of personal thoughts ahead, you can stop reading here if you don't feel like it)
I know I am not as present here as I was before. Given I can't really keep company with you as well as I did before, I want to share the likely root of my emotional problems these last months, and, luckily, help you avoid ending up in the boat of depression, as I did, and still am for a long ride.
I really don't want to sound sobby or in search of compassion, but I prefer to make myself clear, so it is easier for me to describe what I am feeling and what would I have done to avoid it if I could travel 10 years back in time.I do this in hopes you can take my piece of advice, so you can redirect your life before it is too late. It is the most I can do.
I know some of you have a very hard time talking to people and starting new relationships. I've been pretty much the typical shy, silent guy since my childhood, and, from the sheer loneliness I felt at that stage, from the lack of friends to the abscence of anyone in my family remotely near to my age range, I focused my life into academia. It was the only aspect of my life where I could be valued.
This led to my 12 y/o self to enclose in his room, spending almost all of his time studying and aimlessly surfing the net in the scarce breaks... After all, why would I bother to do anything else if what empowered me was right at my desk? I bet most of you can relate with me with that 'clausure monk' lifestyle, let it be because of videogames, art, music, school... Because, at that point, you think, "I will have plenty of time afterwards, isn't it?" and/or "Well, there are plenty of guys who also do the same as I do, so it won't be that bad..."
Well... Time passes, and, if you are lucky, you might have some 'supossedly memorable' feats, and you will feel like you have everything you could ask for. I mean, for myself, I could say: get a really high score in my entrance exam, becoming a physicist, have a mild success on InkBunny, and so on...
It may seem like a lot, and you will probably want to pursue something similar in your life. Dedicate to your own business without a care in the world. But, you are DEAD wrong.
Time passes for everyone and, once you decide to seek a bit more of your life, your age of 16-20 has turned something like 25-30, and, the truth is, life changes A LOT in that period for an average guy. I used to have some acquaintances in the village I live, and, upon returning from university, the guys I could somewhat relate to, changed from being typical console-centered teens to have their own friends, girlfriends, and jobs. Pretty much everyone at my stage in life has achieved that.
I will turn 28 in a few months, and, it's been now when I have realized I have, in fact, nothing. The days I wake up at 5AM to go to the city in the rural bus, other people go chatting with friends or their partner, and I go alone. When I walk to uni to see the professor, I notice people laughing and having fun with others. And I walk alone. On Friday nights and weekends, people go clubbing or meeting up or playing with their loved ones/friends... And I just work, and work and work on my research until I fall asleep from exhaustion at 3 AM, because, anyone my age is WAY out of my league when it comes to the social skills and street knowledge they search in someone my age, so I can only do what I'm independent and good at. I have tried to stick endless times in the village and in the city to people and groups for years, but to no avail. So no, it is not a matter of 'trying to be attractive/appealing to people'. I've tried that for a long time.
My advice is: DON'T WAIT to be older to do this, and force yourself to do so while in your teen years or early twenties at most. It's likely most of you, my followers, are in that age range, and lemme tell you, it is WAY easier to achieve what I already can't at this stage. I know it might sound yucky, like, why should I do that if I am better off alone in my room?
Well, basically because, as it happens with 99% of people, you will wake up one day, and you'll realize that, while the people around you made a life for themselves, you just got to some measly achievements nobody around you truly cares about, and, probably, a gold-pass, eternal V-card you'll very proudly? carry with you for the rest of your life. Even being the best, nicest person you can be to others will get you nowhere at all anymore, believe me. And while everone says 'be patient, your time will come', the truth is, for that to happen, you must had to put up the effort while you could. It is, sadly, sometimes way too late to revert it, like I have spent trying these last two years, in fake hopes it will change something.
So, yes, I regret spending my time studying for longer than I should, since university in particular, trying to pretend to be more than I am, by sacrificing everything I could now have in my life for more and more study hours. If I could go back to when I had 18, I would have focused WAY more into relationships, not between some people online I'll never meet (Don't misunderstand me, I love you guys), but between the people that surround my life. People I can talk to, hug, and party with, even if I have way less in common to them.
Because, again, people regard me as some sort of genius (Which is way, way far from reality), and cheers me for being close to have a PhD, but my PhD won't take care of me when I'm ill, my PhD won't listen to me when I feel down, my PhD won't make me earn friends, and my PhD will never be someone I will be able to love. It's been just a few years since I'm into this, and I'm already fed up. It might not be a PhD in your case, but it will probably be true for you too. Change 'PhD' in all this paragraph with 'skill at __ game', 'drawing/writing/AI skills' or whatever, and you'll find it maybe rhymes with your life more than you would like to.
The only path for me to walk now is to dedicate my life to science in loneliness, and, luckily, mentor people like you, reader, so you can open your eyes in time, and make something pretty out of it before the shiny neon-pink lights of youth start to dim and die down. It must be a pretty time to be alive, and I'd hate seeing you waste it the same idiotic way I did.
Because in the end, it is way better to grow old regretting some decisions that you might have made in the past rather than doing so wondering what could have been. At least, in the first case, you have the sensation to have actually lived a life.
If you got all the way to the end, thank you for reading everything. Realization in time is the first step in the path of a successful recovery, and I'll be glad if I helped you in that. I hope you the best.
- Coercer1730
