Not physically dead but not feeling much alive in other ways either. I feel empty 24/7, I have lost joy about everything what I used to love, do and enjoy. Meaning: No drawing, no listening music, no knitting, no taking care of my plants / flowers, not taking care of myself etc.
Every day is empty struggle if that makes sense? I get simply nothing done... I look around me and see so many things which I need to do but no... I simply can't. Hell, I still have all possible Christmas decorations all around the house since I have zero mental energy to remove them. Every day I tell myself: "Today I could do thing x." but I end up doing nothing.
It's so hard to get out of the bed too. I wake up at 4-5pm and easily can lay in bed for hours before getting myself out of it. But then I find myself sitting on the couch or on the floor, in front of my laptop, playing FF7 Ever Crisis 6h straight if not longer before I drag myself back to bed. I also can go to bed at 2-3am when I start to feel tired but I won't fall asleep before 7am which is exhausting. Note: I've been night owl ever since my teenage years so it's normal for me to stay awake nights and sleep days. Not to mention nights are dark and quiet - unlike days which are bright, noisy and too warm. I can't handle them.
Yes, I take melatonin when going to bed but all what it does is making my EYES tired but nothing else. I also take half of my relaxation pill which is also for my anxiety which I suffer from. If I won't take one half before going to bed, I know I will wake up with horrible anxiety which feels like all walls are falling on me at once.
I have throw all my dreams, hopes and wishes into a well - wishing I could jump in there too but no. No can do. Right now my life is just living day by day. No plans, no dreams, nothing. Just surviving from one day to another.
I go to talk with psychologist and special doctor later this month but I doubt talking to them will help my case since 1. I have been like this the last 2 years soon (this situation exploded in my hands when Verti, my beloved cat, died in September 2023) and 2. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD last summer by this psychologist and special doctor. Both "diseases" cause anxiety and depression and anti-depression meds won't work on them since those pills are made for normal brains. My brains aren't normal. Only pill which, honestly, has been helping me survive these past 2 years has been Opamox, my anti-anxiety relaxation pill.
Don't know where I would be without them.
So, what I'm also trying to say is... Don't expect arts from me. Don't expect stories from me. Don't expect me to be active. I honestly have no mental energy for any of that. It's not I don't have ideas and some kind of wish to be able to draw / write but I simply just can't... It would be too much forcing myself to do something what I clearly am not in shape to do. Heck, I don't / can't even cook to myself or brush my teeth! That bad my situation currently is.
Thank you all for your understanding. It means a lot.
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1 month, 3 weeks ago
19 Apr 2025 04:31 CEST
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