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NeiNing

Still alive - in some way

Not physically dead but not feeling much alive in other ways either. I feel empty 24/7, I have lost joy about everything what I used to love, do and enjoy. Meaning: No drawing, no listening music, no knitting, no taking care of my plants / flowers, not taking care of myself etc.

Every day is empty struggle if that makes sense? I get simply nothing done... I look around me and see so many things which I need to do but no... I simply can't. Hell, I still have all possible Christmas decorations all around the house since I have zero mental energy to remove them. Every day I tell myself: "Today I could do thing x." but I end up doing nothing.

It's so hard to get out of the bed too. I wake up at 4-5pm and easily can lay in bed for hours before getting myself out of it. But then I find myself sitting on the couch or on the floor, in front of my laptop, playing FF7 Ever Crisis 6h straight if not longer before I drag myself back to bed. I also can go to bed at 2-3am when I start to feel tired but I won't fall asleep before 7am which is exhausting. Note: I've been night owl ever since my teenage years so it's normal for me to stay awake nights and sleep days. Not to mention nights are dark and quiet - unlike days which are bright, noisy and too warm. I can't handle them.

Yes, I take melatonin when going to bed but all what it does is making my EYES tired but nothing else. I also take half of my relaxation pill which is also for my anxiety which I suffer from. If I won't take one half before going to bed, I know I will wake up with horrible anxiety which feels like all walls are falling on me at once.

I have throw all my dreams, hopes and wishes into a well - wishing I could jump in there too but no. No can do. Right now my life is just living day by day. No plans, no dreams, nothing. Just surviving from one day to another.

I go to talk with psychologist and special doctor later this month but I doubt talking to them will help my case since 1. I have been like this the last 2 years soon (this situation exploded in my hands when Verti, my beloved cat, died in September 2023) and 2. I was diagnosed with autism and ADHD last summer by this psychologist and special doctor. Both "diseases" cause anxiety and depression and anti-depression meds won't work on them since those pills are made for normal brains. My brains aren't normal. Only pill which, honestly, has been helping me survive these past 2 years has been Opamox, my anti-anxiety  relaxation pill.

Don't know where I would be without them.

So, what I'm also trying to say is... Don't expect arts from me. Don't expect stories from me. Don't expect me to be active. I honestly have no mental energy for any of that. It's not I don't have ideas and some kind of wish to be able to draw / write but I simply just can't... It would be too much forcing myself to do something what I clearly am not in shape to do. Heck, I don't / can't even cook to myself or brush my teeth! That bad my situation currently is.

Thank you all for your understanding. It means a lot.
Viewed: 26 times
Added: 1 month, 3 weeks ago
 
Neos8
1 month, 3 weeks ago
HUG
NeiNing
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Thank you *hug back*
Neos8
1 month, 3 weeks ago
No probs
thiah
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Big hugs.

If it makes you feel better, I have a friend who still has their fall/Thanksgiving decorations up. (Yes, I have permission to mention it.)
NeiNing
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Thank you.

To be honest that doesn't make me feel bad or good because I get it how difficult it can be to get decorations taken off. In my case it is that I don't want Christmas decorations to be up year around because then when Christmas comes, it doesn't feel like Christmas when you have stare the same decorations 24/7 :'D
StarRinger
1 month, 3 weeks ago
I hope you get the help you need soon. That sounds like some very serious executive dysfunction on top of everything else, and it's horrific to deal with.
NeiNing
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Thank you. The thing is, since I have autism which literally is brain damage since brain has not develop normally, there's really not much to be done. I just need to learn to live with it and keep eating my anti-anxiety pills. I mean I have been living with it / all this soon 39 years. Tho, before my diagnose I always assumed I'm normal and that every person is like this - the same as I am. Apparently I was horribly wrong :'D But my situation was never this bad while I still had Verti (my cat). His death literally turned my life upside down, it feels like his death "deleted" everything from my life. I feel like I'm constantly standing in this darkness which goes as far as eye can see in ALL directions at the same time. It makes me feel hollow too. I also might have anemia (which runs in the family) which isn't helping either...
StarRinger
1 month, 3 weeks ago
Hey, I know it's difficult, but autism is not necessarily damage. Your brain works in a specific way that often runs contrary to how most people expect. You're forced to function in a world that was not built for you, and that's not your fault. And there are many people who share your struggles, as much as it might seem like you're alone.

My youngest brother is autistic, but it affects him such that he's nearly non-verbal in communication and needs constant supervision. Not because he can't take care of himself- he's very self-sufficient, when he wants to be- but to make sure he doesn't do things he knows he's not supposed to but wants to do anyway. He's not unintelligent or oblivious, his mind is just different from what society expects of him. He's no less deserving of peace and happiness than anyone else.

I'm 36 myself, and I have multiple sclerosis. Over my life, my immune system has repeatedly attacked my neurons, meaning a good number of them don't work properly. (The 'sclerosis' refers to the scar tissue formed on my damaged neurons that show up on an MRI.) I had experienced minor symptoms my whole life- fatigue, pain, heat intolerance- but I was only diagnosed at 19 when what got damaged was my optic nerve. I went to an eye clinic, and when they couldn't find anything, they told me 99% of the time that means it's MS. Some months and a spinal tap later (worst pain of my life) I had a diagnosis!

In order to keep my condition from getting worse, I've tried three different medications that compromise my immune system in some way to keep it from damaging my neurons even more. The one I'm on right now is a monthly shot that makes a bunch of my white blood cells explode! So in addition to living with the symptoms of the damage already caused, I also have to make that trade-off, probably for the rest of my life.

All this is to say things aren't as bleak as they might seem. Joy can be fleeting, and grief takes time. I hope something changes soon to help you and ease your burdens, but in the meantime, I hope you know you are not alone in your struggles.
Galizia
1 month, 3 weeks ago
I know life is heavy right now. I know emotions are weighing on your chest. I know that sometimes everything seems impossible.
I know it's hard to be so overwhelmed. I know that at times you feel suffocated and lost for words, but even though things seem difficult right now, there is a universe of possibilities ahead. Life will bring you little things that will light up your day and show you how valuable you are, even in times when you can't see it. You are strong and admirable in the way you fight the darkness day after day, and even though it's difficult, I hope a small ray of light can shine through it.
You are brave and loved, all the people who love you ♡
riverhayashi
2 weeks ago
PMS and post-gym DOMS hit me like a truck and I couldn't get out of bed for 3 days :( I hope you feel better soon! More important that you take care of yourself <3
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