47. Shrek the Third
This movie is boring.
It took me a few days after seeing it to summon enough energy to even write about it because, honestly, there’s not much to say. It’s not a good film.
I only saw this film once before and that was when my family and I went to watch it in the theater. We were excited, a tad, because Shrek 2 was such a phenomenal movie and one we’d watch over and over and over again. I do recall, despite being so young, thinking that it would be tough for this sequel to recapture the magic of the first two and it absolutely did not.
There’s no magic in it at all despite there literally being a character named Merlin the Wizard.
When I saw this film, I was massively disappointed. Nothing happened in it. Or rather, nothing interesting happened in it. The plot hinges on the death of Harold (John Cleese), the Frog King from the last film which should BE something considering how endeared by him I was in Shrek 2. However, the film plays up his death scene entirely as a joke and then sends him off with this really bad rendition of Live and Let Die done by a bunch of other singing frogs.
It sends the wrong message right out the gate. Well, granted, that’s not the first thing that happens. Red flags went off when I saw that, instead of doing the usual storybook opening they were going right into the film through the lens of Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) who is this film’s main villain.
That’s extremely underwhelming on its own because it’s basically just half of the villain team from the last film trying to do the same thing in this film except way less creative and with no real spark or hook to sell it. What Charming is trying to do has nothing to do with Shrek’s journey here. Not really.
Shrek (Mike Myers) goes off to find a new king to take the throne of Far Far Away because he can’t do it because he’s an ogre who loves taking baths in muddy swamps and eating bugs on spider webs like cotton candy. On his journey he immediately gets to the high school where Justin Timberlake is and then he takes him to be the new king.
Well, Justin is playing Arthur here (also from Sword in the Stone) but I call him that because I recall the marketing and casting of Justin Timberlake as this character feeling like the most cookie cutter way of getting a celebrity to come in and sell your movie ever. This was the thought that I had when I was young and I couldn’t shake it. I still can’t now because his design is so bland and uninteresting. He’s the most made fun of kid in the school to the point where the nerds are hanging him from basketball hoops. Why? I have no idea. He never does anything nerdy. He’s just a pretty boy in the Shrek universe that’s got a celebrity voicing him. Better make him king. Give that guy a million dollars while you’re at it.
Shrek’s dilemma in this film is basically about Fiona (Cameron Diaz) telling him that she’s pregnant and him being worried that he won’t be a good father. As such the film, to its credit, tries to illustrate how Shrek would make a good father by way of having him bond with Arthur.
It happens extremely fast though. They have one good scene with each other after Arthur crashes the ship because he changed his mind about wanting to be king the first instance he heard something bad might happen if he was (apparently he didn’t think about it at all before he left) and then they bond over the campfire. It’s the best scene in the film but even then it’s got a weird bit in it where Arthur says his father abandoned him at the high school he was picked up from.
It’s so weird because the high school already doesn’t feel like a high school. It looks and feels like a college campus and they all look college age. The only way he could have been abandoned AT a school is if maybe Justin here lived in a dorm and just never graduated either. But you can’t do that at a fucking high school. I know it's a joke but the joke doesn't make any sense.
Charming’s plan is unoriginal and stale. He just goes to the Poison Apple, gives a speech to all the villains, and then they immediately take over Far Far Away. Then Fiona escapes with the other princesses like Snow White, Aurora, Cinderella, Rapunzel, and her mom before confronting Charming and finding out that, gasp, Rapunzel has betrayed them! You don’t care because who the fuck is Rapunzel to you? Who gives a shit if her hair is fake? Whatever!
The one thing I DO like about Charming’s plan is that he orchestrates this whole mess just to put on a play of him killing Shrek. It’s a mirror of where he starts at the beginning of the film, doing a shitty play of him going to rescue the princess and confronting a cardboard cutout of Shrek. Of course, everyone loves Shrek by this point so he gets booed off the stage.
The same thing basically happens in the climax. He has the real Shrek captured but no one takes Charming seriously and Shrek is more charismatic and funny then he is so he keeps humiliating him until the heroes show up, kick his ass, and then a tower falls on him, possibly killing him. I don’t know if he’s supposed to be dead because right before the tower falls on him, Shrek tells him to find his own happily ever after because he isn’t giving up his. Pretty weird thing to say to a guy who’s about to die but okay.
Everything about what happens in the climax is so haphazard and lacking in tension because NO ONE gives a shit about Charming. Everyone hates and laughs at him. No one shows him any respect. Shrek mocks him despite him supposedly being at his mercy. The Fairy Godmother had leverage over Shrek in the last film and Charming somehow never does except during one scene where Arthur holds the idiot ball and is led to believe Shrek hates him or something. He leaves the room like a pouty child, not realizing that if Shrek hadn’t spoken to him like that Charming would have thought they were on the same side and killed him.
I don’t know why he had to be told that because duh. Dude had a sword to your throat and Shrek’s the one you’re mad at?
Not even the other villains care about Charming. A speech from him got them on his side but a single speech from Arthur made them change sides back. No one gives a shit in this film.
Also, Puss (Antonio Banderas) and Donkey (Eddie Murphy) are here. They’re Shrek’s travel companions and that’s all they really need to be. The film probably thought they should have more to do so right before the climax they make it a “plot point” that they end up switching bodies when poofed back home via Merlin’s magic.
It doesn’t go anywhere. It doesn’t say anything new or interesting about the characters. It’s pointless.
This whole film is pointless. I couldn’t summon an emotion for it aside from a chuckle here or there. It feels like three episodes of a pilot TV show for a Shrek series duct-taped together.
It thankfully doesn’t ruin anything about the Shrek franchise by existing but it doesn’t do anything to justify its existence either.
Harold dies. Arthur is king. The End. Buy Justin’s latest album.
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31 Mar 2025 04:41 CEST
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