Started a drawing of Anashai’El, and I found that I rather hate it. My artwork has never been particularly great, but that’s mainly because I started drawing quadrupeds first, and anthros years later. Now that I’ve done anthros almost exclusively for several years I find drawing a quadruped difficult at best.
But maybe that’s a good thing. Finally learning my true name, Lilith, has given me a connection to my true self I’ve never had before. I’m finally comfortable being who I am, much more casual in life now, and also a lot calmer and happier overall. I even handle trolls and assholes better than I have for so many years. I’m not perfect at any of these things by any means, but I am better at them. A lot better.
Lilith is a white-scaled Draconian woman with light blue eyes, blood red hair, and light pink horns and claws. I feel her form overlapping mine in a very different way than I did with any of the previous identities I used. Hers is more natural than the others.
While I know I was Anashai’El in a previous life, I have absolutely NO phantom feelings involving her body. I imagine that this is due to her means of death, something which destroyed her body in a spectacular, gruesome, and incredibly instantaneous way. This particular means of death, I suspect, was her way of letting go of her old life so she could embrace her new life as a Draconian woman.
And even now, having a male human form, I still feel the phantom body parts of Lilith, but more importantly I feel ownership of those same parts. Not as if Lilith were somehow my personal slave, but rather that my physical body is her physical body, and vice versa.
I do feel Anashai’El’s personality within me. Without her, I wouldn’t be who I am. She is foundational to my very being, the core of my essence. I’ll never not be her in some way or another.
But Anashai’El chose to become a Draconian. This is why I think it may be for the best that I’m unhappy with my attempt to draw her as a Seraph. The drawing makes her look scrunched, much shorter in length than she should be, her proportions being all wrong. This makes sense as her death pulverized her body.
As for the drawing, I’m going to keep what I’ve done but will set it aside, and will likely abandon it as a project. Anashai’El as a Draconian is fine, and is also easy for me to draw. And because it’s what she chose to become, I imagine that it’s the best way to honor her. Not her old self, but her new self.
I’m reminded of the Apostle Paul’s teachings about the “old man” and the “new man.” Every day he had to crucify his old man, put it to death, so that his new man might live and replace it. Anashai’El’s “old man” is her Seraphic form, the one she discarded so she could give a doomed people a chance to live.
Her “new man” is her Draconian form that came after. I can connect with that form because it’s the basis for what I am now. She discarded her old form, I feel as if I should do the same.
So, I won’t be finishing the Seraph picture. Future images involving Anashai’El will have the same anthro form she has in “Fingering My Foundation.”
