Been very hard and I wish I could say things had gotten better but truth be told, I think they got worse in many ways.
The first 2 days I sought to talk with friends who turned their backs on me. This hurt because it felt like everyone was abandoning me. The third day I had fire co business to attend. I received 2 awards, a first in the depts 50+ years of operation, including the highest number of calls answered by a single member. The whole time I just stared blankly at the empty chair he was suppose to be in. I couldn't be happy and nearly broke down in front of the dept. Afterwords people started asking where he was, and they were shocked to hear we had broken up.
The fourth day was moms birthday, couldnt be sad that day either. The emotions inside of me were eating me up inside and Ill be honest I almost did something stupid as I drove to work. I sure the lack of sleep didnt help things either. When you sleep about 1 hour a day you tend to have stupider thoughts than usual. The one main reason why I didnt, I had promised to return Kimba (plush) to him.
When I got to work I reached out to someone who was at the time a meer acquaintance. Koda and his mate both started talking to me and even came to my jobsite to offer a shoulder to cry on. I must have cried for an hour at least, and for several days after.
The next day I returned Kimba to him. I tried my best to hold back the tears, however I failed and started to cry. He kicked his car in reverse and took off without a word being said.
The next night at work I dosed off for about 10 minutes or so. Ended up dreaming...
He was standing at the window of my car, pissed off. I opened the window and he said the following;
“I don’t need you, I definitely don’t want you, and I never loved you. You screwed up everything for me. Even at ANE I did my best to get away from you. I wish you had stayed home because I could have slept with any of the guys I met there. I would have had the ride of my life, and face it, THEY WOULD HAVE LOVED ME MORE THAN YOU EVER COULD HAVE!”
I snapped awake crying, and Ill be honest those words have been haunting me ever since.
Sleep was still difficult however I was starting to get my thoughts together. I hated the fact that I didnt have a chance to fight for the relationship and to top it off, hated the fact that I felt so neglected by those who asked for my help in the past. On thursday (one week after the break up) I began to get everything out on paper. The ending was painful as I began to say my good-byes...
"I began to recollect about the past, thinking about the times we did stuff together. Your first time camping and walking down the trail and my messing with the caterpillars. My being scared about what the guys at the station would think of me when I started telling them about you. Going out to the island so you could surprise me for my birthday. Wondering around Phily on black Friday. The first time I met your family, and was so nervous I researched and went out and got wine to make sure things went well. You telling Sam your first “Back in my day” story. Playing with Loopa, Marshal, and Denver at our visits. The ride out to ANE. The dinner at the hall… The best memory of all…
Our first kiss, and the smile you had after.
How I wish I had a picture or video of it. You seemed so happy and at peace with the world. That memory made me realize how much I really care about you. It made me realize that I would rather you be at your happiest, even if it means I can’t be the one that makes you that way. It’s the way I would like to always remember you by. Happy, and at Peace.
This is officially the last time I get to say this, but I have to get it out even if you never see it;
I love you more than I have ever loved anybody else. The time you spent with me will always be kept close to my heart, and the love and kindness you gave me will NEVER be forgotten. I have made my peace now, and while it still hurts, I am ready to return you back to the world so that you may share that love and kindness with another who deserves it. I love you hun, and thank you for everything you have done."
This killed me to accept, but it helped quite a bit. I was able to stop sobbing on the outside and beginning to fix myself. It was suggested to send him the last paragraph to allow me the ability to say good bye in person... Unfortunately I think it only served to force him further away from me.
The next week I saw him again, and began to talk to him. I let everything out, my confusion, depression, sadness, cried in front of him...
His response at first was 'Why, we broke up, I shouldnt be hurt because he didnt cheat on me' When I explained that it doesnt work that way, and told him how I had been for over a week, including taking a break from the fire co, he chose to get angry.
He said two things,
He was leaving AWOOF because he cant deal with how I was,
He wanted me to forget him, run, and to NEVER contact him again...
It snapped me out of everything. Clearly he doesnt care. Those words from my dream just kept echoing after that. "I don’t need you, I definitely don’t want you, and I never loved you. You screwed up everything for me."
I just made it worse. Any chance at fixing the relationship, gone. Any chance at friendship, gone as well.
Getting it out directly to him helped me though. I was able to begin moving forward despite finding I was blocked, conversations erased, pictures lost. It hurts, but, its what he wants I guess.
TLDR:
I still dont know what happened or what I did to cause this. The first week just felt like a building burning to the ground. The second felt like hot spots flaring up at random. Now, most of the feelings have been lost. The remnants of the burnt out heart boarded up to protect whatever can be salvaged until I can figure out what next...
The valentines picture was completed, though with changes to it to reflect where I am currently. When I get the ok to post it I will. It hits hard, but I am shocked that I have not shed a tear over it. I guess I am recovering, even if I haven't noticed. Hopefully I'll move on and find someone that loves me as much as I love them. I just don't know if I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him.... I fuckin hate my heart.
