I still really feel a type of way. I really did all that wifey shit, really abandoned myself for 12 fucking years, just to be discarded when things got too hard and I started becoming my own thing. I can't help but rant a little bit because this man has been behaving like a little teenage boy, like a fuckboy, when I'm the one that's technically a teenage boy and should be a fuckboy but now I can't. I can't bring myself to try to date right now, even if people are interested because I'm still so fucking broken. You BROKE me. I'll probably never be the same and you stupid bitches are really falling for all the shit I used to fall for. If he treated me, the "love of his life" so badly, wtf makes you think he's going to do better with you? Even his fucking bare minimum was usually too hard to get out of him. He only likes you because you're pretty, and he's just trying to see how quickly he can get into your pants. Don't give him the satisfaction, cuz he even went crawling back to me for sexual favors, and I guess that's all I'm ever good for out of him. Doesn't matter that I'm normally the one doing cooking and cleaning, none of that matters. No rewards for me toiling away day in and day out, giving up college for you, giving up a real career for you, just to get your whole ass to kiss. Well you can kiss my whole ass now. I hope you get them pregnant and they take child support out on you. I hope that husband catches you in the act and kills you both. I hope you get some life long std for taking all my attention for fucking granted and having to sleep with the roaches. Those roaches can have you. I just wish I could fucking move on in peace and not have to see you anymore. I hate you with all my heart, and it's going to take much more than getting me a new phone to get my respect back, which probably isn't even fucking possible at this point.
I'm just so done with him and his bullshit. They both are kinda just...annoying to me. So you guys treat me badly, and then blame me when I confide in my best friend everything and we understand each other and have an actual emotional connection like I need anymore, but y'all get mad that I fuck him? Then die mad. He's the only one that deserves me, my ex doesn't. He's the only one that's fucking earned it, you guys haven't earned fucking shit but the back of my heel to your faces honestly. My life is ruined because of you two. My body is ruined by that first puberty, my mind is completely destroyed, and my heart has been in fucking shambles for years now, always tossed away so carelessly. Just paying bills is not enough. You have to actually be a team player, you have to actually lift a finger to help. But you'll help others. You'll help them so fast but leave behind all the destruction you caused. And it's such a bad path of destruction, no one's going to want to have to clean up your mess. And so far they haven't wanted to. So thanks for leaving me all fucked up and practically penniless. Thanks for abandoning me for married people. Thanks for fucking my head all up and heart up even worse, now I don't want anything to do with relationships and for who knows how long. You just got me fucked up being such a play boy now, when that's what I was supposed to be. Now I'm just lonesome, handsome, and heartbroken. No one's going to want to rescue this prince. You made damn sure of that. I'll never be able to trust men again after everything I've been through, and I almost want to tell them there is no point in trying. I'm a lost cause, I'm very heavily damaged goods. I'm not what anyone wants or needs...and while it is sad, it is still very freeing. I'm able to just be me and exist now, without having to worry about appeasing anyone, and I'm not so ready to give that up like you are. Onto the next serious relationships for you, and I'm just here, enjoying my own company for once.
At least this Valentine's, I'll be with my bestest fuckbuddy friend. I really miss him, it's been months. Just imagine, if you just treated me how I asked and needed, given me proper praise and rewards of love, just to think you'd still have me. But you lost me. You lost me to someone who's a much more decent man that most. It's honestly pretty sad that my skinny little bestie has more heart in his little body than you do in all of yours. It's just sad that someone that never got to live with me actually became my home, while you were there wrecking every sense of a home I could actually have at home. Home is where you can be vulnerable and sad and coddled, the problems and loneliness actually fixed...he doesn't make me feel lonely, so he wins. I just needed to rant for a while because I just wish I could turn my heart off completely and not care, because he doesn't anymore and that's for sure. I hate how much of a fool I was to waste so much time on loving someone else, when all my love needed to go directly to myself.
