I don't know. I guess this is where I feel comfortable talking about this?
Hi, Frank here. We've - Well... I've been feeling - suicidal? Think passive suicidal ideation, having thought "I wanna die" or "I wanna kill myself" with no actual plan to do anything in particular or - just no thoughts of actually doing it. So while I'm not about to do anything harmful, having those thoughts in my head repeatedly, all day, - Yeah, it makes it hard to do anything. And most important, interacting with people, because it ends up being the most recurring reason for those thoughts.
Uncertainty about how people feel about me has always been a source of anxiety, but it's made worst with having those thoughts of worthlessness, aimlessness and of course the suicidal thoughts. Because we feel like we can't share those thoughts, it would harm our relation with those people.
So makes everything worse, because we stress about talking to friends, or even watching our friends. Any interactions. Online and irl... Even with our boyfriend I hold my tongue...
We don't wanna worry people about us, put the burden of this on them. Or also, and - a bigger reason, this feels like harming ourselves. If we talked to someone about this and the response is - ... not there?
I'll be honest, I don't know what kind of response we're even looking for... But for years, a lot of smaller issues and concerns have been met with - either nothing or - not knowing what to do, maybe frustration, ... But most cynical, distance?
You don't really come out of a situation where you learn that everyone around you knew you were feeling horrible but no one wanted to talk to you about it without some trust issues, which we already had...
And for as much as we thought about it, the issue really is just trust. We don't trust people with our feelings. We're scared of their reactions. It's been ingrained in us forever ago and - it never really went away... And all this ambiguity, those friendships that started with such close contact and regular exchanges - then - suddenly - nothing. Or rather, there is this distance, and for some, overtime, this otherness. Having a close friend for years, now feeling like they can barely bother to argue with you when they tell you they have issues with plural people - how am I supposed to make anything out of so few words??
And the thing is, I'm seeing myself - isolate myself - because I don't wanna be hurt like that. Left hanging for words from someone I thought close. Or finding out we really weren't that close? We just imagine the worst when things are left unsaid, and we just have to remind ourselves that it's not that bad, and most often it isn't. But every time it's an exercise in patience. And so - since I hate feeling this way so much - I don't try...
There is a friend we've been meaning to get back to for a while now. She's perfectly alright, really. If anything, she did something that we'll never forget. Long story short, she stopped a game we were playing with her community on vrchat because it was making us deeply anxious and paranoid. At first, it felt extremely embarrassing, having had to stop a game everyone was having fun with - just for me? But later she told us that - she wanted everyone to be having fun, and that included us.
I think this says it all, we see ourselves so low that we never ever really saw ourselves as a relevant part of any group, that we'd always be secondary to anyone else anywhere we go. Even during new year, fuckheads couldn't stop playing a word game with a dyslexic person (us), even after I told them or hear me out when I get frustrated... It's maddening, and our boyfriend was there... God forbid the neighbors hear me being too loud, meanwhile I just wanna die here. And so, I lay on the ground, contains myself. It went alright after that. But - ok, we played a video game and I know how to play that. So long as I fall in line, it's fine. I already know that...
So of course, hearing that I matter, that we really are a part of the group, meant so much to us. Especially in a situation where we'd usually get left behind for the sack of everyone else. And yet... Even with her. At some point, there was a situation where our bf thought we were too close to her, thinking I was cheating, but this wasn't on anyone's mind. Still didn't like that I was close to her enough to be open about things with her I wasn't with him. She made us realized we were plural, he - well, it didn't seem like he was happy for us at the time. And overall, she had this feeling that she was ruining our lives...
So - maybe that's why she's talking to us less now? She's also a really busy person now. We met her at a time when she was in between jobs. Technically, everything is explained as to why we'd be talked less now - or not at all unless something came up.
And looking back - even after that, she really cares about us a lot. She's really the only one suggesting us to go to therapy for all this shit we're going through. ... We're really just scared... Scared that somehow this isn't true anymore... Theoretically, she should be there if I told her I wasn't feeling well. ... But do I really wanna find out?
I don't have trust... I need to fake it to have it... Even with the people I should know I can trust... Because it's the same kind of people who've left me down before, how should I unlearn that?
... I should also mention. I really do not blame the people who aren't talking to me regularly. You have to know that this was true even before I was online, before I was even here. Everyone is going through something, people get busy. Of course, I'm glad I get to talk to them, and in writing this, I wouldn't want to let them think I have any issues with them. I just lack trust in everyone...
And it makes me isolate myself more, making what I have to say heavier every time, making it harder to open up to anyone about this as it just gets deeper and longer to talk about...
Again, somehow - of all places, this is where I feel like I can even begin to talk about this. Maybe because - I know that some of my friends are here, but I'm also not talking to anyone directly. But also that I'm not writing to no one. FA, I don't read journals there, so - Twitter and Bluesky, don't have the space, and anywhere else I wouldn't be reaching anyone...
Thank you if you've read all that. I - even now, really don't know what to expect. I just need this out somehow, some way.
