Some of you responded to my previous, now deleted journal asking if I was alright. The truth of the matter is no, I wasn't.
This month has been an absolute bit of hell for me. Along with the days being shorter, which has always gotten me feeling more glum over the years, various things have made it really difficult for me to be my usual, cheery self as of late. First was the election. Those that know me well know my viewpoints on issues, and I was not thrilled with how the country voted, however I was prepared for such an outcome. I'll simply leave it at that. Next is the current wait I'm experiencing on the decision in my disability case from SSA. My lawyer, based on his experience with how prior proceedings have went, is confident that I've won my case, and now just have to wait on the official letter. The frustrating part is that it takes between one to three months to arrive, and it's already been over one month. Thirdly, now that I have had my diagnoses from this past May, I'm understanding why certain activities have always made me nervous/on edge, and how I was "stimming" to keep myself grounded. And yet when some of these activities I actually enjoy and have done with friends, I run the risk of my anxiety triggering before I do this activity, and it gets so bad that I have to cancel or back out of things, which upsets friends, AND fuels my loneliness. THEN I had to worry about my father as he had a procedure to place a couple stents in his heart (it went smoothly, as he was in and out the same day. He goes back in December to have a different procedure to sort of cut through a calcium buildup, but should go just as quickly), so worry about his safety made things even worse.
Finally, this past weekend happened. I really upset a longtime friend and hurt them deeply. And to be honest, it broke me pretty hard. The previous three days I've been crying multiple times, and I felt empty and hollow. Ideations were VERY close to becoming attempts, you don't even know. I've since calmed down and have gotten more clarity.
I apologize for anyone that was concerned about me. I know I make these journals rather often, and I wish I could say that they will stop. Sad truth of the matter is that my brain is riddled with all the elements that make it the perfect storm for crap like this, and the next depression journal isn't a matter of if, only when.
For those that are still watching me through all of this, I really do appreciate you. I can never truly convey how much it means to me that people will genuinely try to help me through a crisis, even when I feel like I don't deserve it and try to send you away to spare any pain I may inflict, or have my plight infect and corrupt you as well.
In any case, I'm still here. Don't know when the next bout will hit, or how hard it will hit, but I'll definitely do my best to keep swinging.
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2 months, 3 weeks ago
27 Nov 2024 13:15 CET
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