I am not really used to inform status/journals except in sites like Bluesky or my Telegram channel, and even so, I rarely inform about myself or feelings personally. But knowing that we're near to finish a year a star another one, this could be a chance to actually use this feature.
This gonna be kinda lengthty and personal, just to speak stuff regarding my art process, projects, sites and opinions.
Dawn of a new year!
As said, normally around November I start to evaluate all the stuff I made the current year and say to myself "Dear- you could've done better"
Probably I am being too harsh on myself or infact I could've done better—
This is about my art and the time I take doing it. For some reason, I felt less motivated to do it, not that I am getting bored of making art. But because I cannot see more progress in me. I don't think that's the reallity, more like a mental state.
Even though I spend a considerable time Studying, Following up-close Artists that I admire, Trying to optimise myself and those stuff, I always encounter myself being stucked in the same pattern, both mentally and physically, which probably contributes to my more-often Art Blocks.
It sucks actually. On top of that the never-ending tireness that I carry for some reason. No energy to respond messages from friends until I rmeember I had to do it, the ever-increasing doubt, and all of that. Which to my self I said "Wait, why do I have to feel like this? - Can't I just be like some other artists that pump quality art on the regular?" which to myself I responded "Yes. I can! - But it will require a lot of work and will power"
So I had to look back, literally to my bedroom and habits, and its time to make some REAL changes to the way I see my Passion, My habits, My Worries and Myself.
I am not really sure how would I do it, but overtime I always find a solution, if any.
Probably this would manifest in me being less responsive to social interactions in the short run, as I try to work on myself, but I trust it'll have better and long-lasting results. I am even setting up a Notebook with realistic goals in mind to evaluate myself.
This said, I am considering putting myself first, Trying to Relax without loosing focus. Not assiting to social interactions if I don't feel like it, or doing some real focus on whats important.
(Aside from me keeping me healthy, working out, and even excersice my mind with knowledge.)
A Noisy Mind...
Would you believe me if I'd tell you I think I'm going crazy?
I hope not, but that's what I am starting to believe.
The vast majority of my unrest is mental, for not saying everything (I wash way too often my hands lol) - I was diagnosed with Pure OCD sometime ago during the pandemic which was relieving because I knew I had it, but then painful because I drown myself in a glass of water.
This shit not only gaslight me into think I am a bad person, or I will never succeed on anything, or bad (often Catastrophical) stuff will happen to my equipment, familiy & friends or me. (I think this is to some degree normal in everyone)
Most of the ones never actually happen, and the ones that DO happen, are manageble. but that doesn't take away the feeling that I am unable to take action if something like that magnitude happens.
That not only drains my energy kidnapping my brain into a never-ending feedback loop until I sleep "resetting" the thought until appears again or something else takes its place. Normally putting me in my bed doomscrooling through YTShorts, TikTok or Thinking way ahead into the future trying to solve what hasn't happened.
Combined by the newly added and probably present ADHD that I might have develop, as I have problem focusing on a single task as my brain gets filled with "Static noise" on top of the old Low Selfsteem and Depression... No wonder why I am suferring constants ArtBlocks and Low Energy Levels.
Why do I say this?
Because this has starting (two months ago precisely) to hinder my art process.
This time, because my psicosis makes me believe that my PC will blow-up (Actually its PSU - Because Coilwhine and some other funny quiet noises) and I spend a lot of brain thinking on the background what would happen.
Even thought my actual PSU is a Quality one (Corsair RM750x) and the one I had previously, a Real bad one (EVGA 500W) never did something bad even thought having it for three years! and the funny part is, I have Backup plans, but that doesn't make me feel more secure.
I know that in the end, everything is bound to fail, sooner or later, and It's stupid getting fixed in something like that. but I cannot exit that loop. And this is just one of the many obsessive thoughs I've had.
In the past I manage to still do stuff despite the worrying.
But there's hope. I started to read Stoic Philosophy and Holy shit, how ancient people have had that knowledge still relevant to this day.
It has helped me to some degree and even meditation. That doesn't replace the need I have for actual mental treatment, but It helps a lot while I try to get it.
In the meantime, sorry that I am this slow on stuff even if they aren't art. I just have a lot of bloatware in my head.
New Phases
Following the "Dawn of New Year" section... I am considering and allocating more energy into old proyects that have sitted on Hiatus for two years!
Comics for some great friends that I've cooking for a long time Continuing "Trotamundos" Comic Series, I am very keen to Rewrite from the Prologue. Considering opening a Subscription Page (Probably SubscribeStar for fetishy stuff) and Patreon (For my SFW Side) Opening an Account on Itaku to serve like an Art Archive for my SFW, NSFW and Fetishy sides. I am still deciding the name for it lol. Starting to Animate and Using my YT Channel to do so
I have forgot what does feel like drawing to myself for having fun, so I will make an effort to bring you guys more variated content and stuff- Like Sketches, Concepts, stories and stuff like that, If my noisy mind diminishes its noise-
But with that, will come the fact that I'll be abandoning Twitter. For very Obvious Reasons Ill be getting off that Nasty place for Bluesky. I don't care if probably is a "Bad choice" or stuff like that. Twitter has filled up with Slop and Porn Bots, or Very questionable Politics both from users and the company itself. So no thanks. Before ending november, all my Accounts (HojaAstrale, HojaPolar, HojaAustral) will be locked indefinetly.
Opinions
This bit is actually regarding FA ABDL Stuff that I didn't comment on when it happened.
Actually I don't know... All of it was kinda noisy, why then "updating" something that didn't had a problem in first place. A good part of ABDL Friends were upset about it and not only them... Artist too.
I know I don't just ABDL Stuff, ABDL is just one part of many on this account (Althought a very solicited part from my art)
In the end, apparently FA Staff just decided not to do anything about that rule, probably because they were wrong all along... But during the noise, I questioned if I could keep uploading Diaper Stuff on FA. Specially the ABDL part of my Comic Series... I still don't know.
I know ABDL Art hasnt had a break from controversy (From the Patreon Ban to this) and I know its very swampy too as there are bad actors, as in everything. But then again, if has existed in FA without causing trouble, why then modify? then understandable why did upset a lot of people.
This doesn't actually matter anymore because it got backpedaled, but still something I thought about when It happened lol
With ALL of that said, and if you reached to here, I thank you so much for reading this Jackalope's Messy mind x3
Also thanks to all the friends that have cheered me up with care and comfort even thought I don't know how to thank them! X3 I truly appreciate the support of you guys... <3!
