Tl;Dr, I'm going to be doing VERY few, if any, Inktober prompts this year; I will be working on a Halloween drawing, along with the two different comms for people I have lined up and are WILDLY overdue, but I've been struggling just to keep myself operational IRL and it's become a real issue.
Long story version;
I seem to write a lot of these journals where I'm struggling with my mental state don't I?
I don't like it.
Even more, I dislike that I've been struggling to do something I had actually compressed down/out a lot of my other hobbies to devote more time and effort into it because I actually enjoy doing it. I'm of course talking about drawing, but lately, the lopsided battle to do ANYTHING that I find fun and relaxing has been a very real and a losing conflict at that.
Most of the time I don't even know where the non-work part of my day has even gone. Currently, I fight to get up and get going for work, I grind through the day, I get home exhausted and... 2/3rds the time I take a nap for an hour or so and regardless if I do or don't, I'm lethargic, directionless, and mentally adrift... If I get anything done at all, it might be to cook a meal or one minor thing around the house, then the evening vanishes is a puff of who knows (can't even blame 4:20 for it).
My art tablet might as well be on the moon for all the ambition I have to actually pick it up and draw...
Now, there is the whole "you should see a Dr." suggestion, and this face is currently sitting patiently (HAH!) in the waiting room of his GP's office... Yet a sense of pointlessness is overwhelming as I type these words because it seems like the more that's done to try and course correct my issue with motivation, enjoyment of hobbies, and focus; the worse it seems to get.
Back when I did my first bit of Inktober in 2018 and launched myself into drawing, I was spending hours a day most days at it and having a blast doing so, even at the expense of household chores and self care. I'd found something to really truly enjoy and I was very much enjoying it; as if it gave me a lease on my life as my interests in anything else had been slowly compressing down and fading.
Allow me to explain some;
10 or 12 years ago I had a list of many dozens of interests, activities, and hobbies but of course that was too much, but I cycled through them and was constantly puttering at things new and old.
6-odd years ago, that list had shortened to just a couple handfuls as it seemed my time and ambition to work on anything but fighting the entropy of my living conditions and those couple interests while spending time on the net basically ADHD and aimless browsing and learning.
This last year I'm pretty much down to two life long hobbies which I barely pay attention to anymore, a fairly new one I learned about 30 years ago and then ignored utterly until a few months ago before adopting it (Magic the Gathering) and of course my drawing... That's it. I don't even read books anymore, I barely game unless it's co-op just to try and hang on to the social aspect. I can hardly be arsed for anything single player anymore.
The only saving grace has been my friends; in an absolutely Sisyphean level of challenging, the people in my life will push me, often HARD, to do "thing" and if I can get rolling on "thing", I always enjoy the experience and doing "things". Even just cleaning the stupid dumpster fire of a wreck of the house or hanging with friends. I actually enjoy doing [insert task name here] --if-- I can engage enough with myself to do said task.
I'm worried about this collapse of my energy, interests, and lack of ability to even WANT to use any free time I have for anything beyond just random net surfing, watching erratic YouTube videos, and general research about a couple things I'm interested in buying...
That is NOT who I was... Why is it who I seem to be now?
Granted I've never been much of a go-getter, but I would actually do stuff whereas this level of shutdown of literally everything that which is ME has been absurdist.
I basically eat, work, and sleep these days, that's it.
While I'm -am- still working on the issue, I have to admit as well that the whole ordeal feels like it has gotten too difficult and big to even tackle anymore, combined with the increasing lack of motivation to even do anything about it kind of has me feeling hopeless...
Any guesses what the hell is wrong with me or how to help fix me? They'd probably be as good as my doctors at this point.
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4 months, 1 week ago
03 Oct 2024 07:25 CEST
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